S1 Ep01: Pilot

15 May 2021 / 5 August 2021 by Victoria

(Lucifer is driving his classic Camero fast through the streets of LA at night with the music blaring. A police officer pulls him over.)

Officer: (Walking up to the car.) Hey, cut the music.

Lucifer: (chuckling) I’m sorry.

(music volume decreases)

Officer: You know why I pulled you over?

Lucifer: Well, obviously, you felt the need to exercise your limited powers and punish me for ignoring the speed limit. It’s okay. I understand. I-I like to punish people, too. Or at least I used to.

Officer: License and registration.

Lucifer: (sighs) Coming right up.

Officer: Are you trying to bribe me, sir?

Lucifer: Yes, of course. Is that not enough? Take more. It’s only money.

Officer: It’s against the law, sir.

Lucifer: (chuckles) You people are funny about your laws, aren’t you? You break the law sometimes, don’t you?

Officer: Sometimes… I put my siren on and drive really fast for no reason at all, just ’cause I can.

Lucifer: Right? And why wouldn’t you? It’s fun. It feels good to get away with something, doesn’t it?

Officer: Yeah.

Lucifer: Uh, it’s okay, Officer. People like to tell me things, those deep, dark, naughty little desires that are on their mind. It’s a gift. Must be something about this face. You’re tempted to keep that, aren’t you? (Officer nodds) Well, what are you waiting for, permission? Go on, take it, buy yourself something pretty. You deserve it. But if you don’t mind, I really must be on my way.

Officer: Oh, yeah, of course. Hey, have a nice evening.

Lucifer: You, too, Officer. You, too.

(music volume increases)

Valet: Hey, boss.

( Lucifer tosses his keys to the valet and walks inside. “Fame” by David Bowie playing)

Maze: Where have you been?

Lucifer: Oh, holed up in a château, copulating with a young woman named Faith. It’s ironic, isn’t it?

Maze: Thank you, Patrick. You can go.

Lucifer: (chuckles) You little devil.

Maze: What? I dropped something.

Lucifer: Well, I’m sure you did.

Maze: Now, Lucifer, I am a big fan of sex.

Lucifer: Obviously.

Maze: But I didn’t leave Hell to be a bartender. Shouldn’t you be spending your valuable time doing something more significant? (scoffs) You’re the lord of Hell, for crying out loud.

Lucifer: I am retired, Maze. I’ve got nothing but time. Thank you.

(Time appears to slow. Music plays in slow motion.)

Maze: I think you have a visitor.

(Amenadiel walks into the bar.)

Lucifer: (sighs) Amenadiel, how’s it hanging, big guy? Huh?

Amenadiel: Your return to the Underworld has been requested.

Lucifer: Oh, right, okay. Let me just, uh, check my calendar. Yeah, here it is. Uh, the seventh of never through to the 15t of ain’t-gonna-happen. How does that work for you guys? Look, remind Dad that I quit Hell because I was sick and tired of playing a part in his play.

Amenadiel: I’m gonna warn you against disrespecting our father, Lucifer.

Lucifer: Yeah, well, our father’s been disrespecting me since the beginning of time, so pot-kettle, don’t you think?

Amenadiel: You are a mockery of everything divine.

Lucifer: Thank you. Thank you, but lately I’ve been doing a fair amount of thinking. Now, do you think I’m the Devil because I’m inherently evil, just because dear old Dad decided I was?

Amenadiel: What exactly do you think happens when the Devil leaves Hell? (scoffs) All of those demons, all of those tormented and tortured souls, where do you think they go?

Lucifer: Don’t know, don’t care. Not my problem, brother. So consider the position officially open. And you, my feathered friend, can go to Hell. (chuckles)

(Amenadiel quickly puts the edge of his wing against Lucifer’s throat.)

Lucifer: Yeah, try it. You think Father’s upset now.

Amenadiel: (chuckles) You know, he will not be merciful for much longer.

(Lucifer is levitating his Pentacostal coin in mid-air. Limo drives up and a blond woman speaks to him from the car window.)

Delilah: Hey, you. Remember me?

(Members of crowd shout her name.)

Lucifer: You’re famous, aren’t you? Delilah, isn’t it? Can I have your autograph?

Delilah: If I can have a drink.

(Lucifer and Delilah sitting close together.)

Lucifer: So are you gonna tell me why you really came back?

Delilah: There’s something I need to know.

Lucifer: And what’s that?

Delilah: Did I… sell my soul to the Devil?

Lucifer: (chuckles) Well, that would imply the Devil’s actually interested in your soul. Look, all I did was introduce you to a few key people who owed me favors, that’s all.

Delilah: I mean, with all the good came a hell of a lot of bad.

Lucifer: Oh, right, so the Devil made you do it, did he? The alcohol and the drugs, the topless selfies. The choices are on you, my dear. I mean, Jimmy Barnes? I can’t believe you almost married that sweaty little imp.

Delilah: He produced my album. You introduced me to him.

Lucifer: I suggested you work with him, not sleep with him.

Delilah: Well, I got confused.

Lucifer: And then you left him at the altar.

Delilah: Yeah, that was rude of me.

Lucifer: No, actually, I quite enjoyed that bit. (both chuckle)

Delilah: You know, he trapped me in the bathroom at the Grammys, said he wanted to get back together. Then I hear he’s marrying a supermodel… this weekend. And I’m jealous. Oh, God, I’m a mess.

Lucifer: God has nothing to do with your mess. Look… You didn’t sell your soul, Delilah. You do owe me a favor.

Delilah: I’m scared.

Lucifer: You should be. Because what I’m about to ask you is gonna be quite difficult for you. Pull yourself together. That’s it, that’s all I’m asking. ‘Cause you’re wasting your talent, your life.

(Lucifer and Delilah, arm-in-arm, walk towards her limo.)

Delilah: Hmm?

Lucifer: You’re human, darling. (chuckles)

Delilah: I’m gonna do as you asked. I’m gonna get it together. Promise, Lucifer.

Lucifer: Look, it’s not about me. What happens now, that’s up to you. Okay?

Delilah: Yeah.

Lucifer: Come here, you.

(Lucifer gives Delilah a hug just as an SUV drives up. There’s a gun pointed out the window. Bullets are fired. Lucifer and Delilah fall to the ground. The SUV makes a U-turn and is side-swiped by a bus. Lucifer gasps sits up, sees Delilah is dead. Gets up and walks over to the totaled SUV. He grabs the shooter.)

Lucifer: Oh, no, no, no, not yet. What did you do?

Shooter: I’m sorry.

Lucifer: “Sorry.” Why did you end her life?

Shooter: Why else? Money.

Lucifer: Money? Oh, it’s times like this I wish I was still in Hell. All the fun activities I’d have planned for you.

Shooter: Hey, man, I just pulled the trigger.

(Police and emergency teams are on the scene. Indistinct chatter. Siren whooping. Camera beeping, clicking)

Dan: Want to hear what I’ve got so far?

Chloe: Lieutenant said this is my case.

Dan: Yeah, Chloe, it is your case, but try not to take too much time. It’s an easy one. That’s our bad guy. Eddie Deacon he’s a low-level drug dealer. I found these in his pocket, and I found this in Delilah’s purse, so obviously drug-related. he probably owed him a bunch of cash or something. She’s not exactly selling out stadiums these days.

Chloe: How do you know he’s low-level?

Dan: Look at his car.

Chloe: Did you look at his watch? That thing ain’t cheap.

Dan: It’s probably fake. Look… there’s gonna be a lot of attention on this one, Chloe. I wouldn’t pick at it too hard. Not after Palmetto Street.

Chloe: I asked for this case because of Palmetto Street, Dan. So, anyway, any witnesses?

(Lucifer sits at the piano. Chloe stands alongside.)

Lucifer: Lucifer Morningstar.

Chloe: Lucifer Morningstar Is that, uh, a stage name or something?

Lucifer: God-given, I’m afraid. You know, you look familiar. Have we met before?

Chloe: Yeah, five minutes ago. And I’m asking the questions. Talk to me about your relationship with the victim.

Lucifer: Well, she used to work here a few years back. I would occasionally accompany her while she sang. Then she became a big star and someone decided to end her life.

Chloe: Do you know the shooter?

Lucifer: No, but we did have an interesting little chat just before he kicked off. I asked him why he did it.

Chloe: Huh, like to play cop, do you?

Lucifer: No, I just like to play in general, Detective. What about you?

Chloe: So, you had a conversation with a dead guy?

Lucifer: Oh, no, he wasn’t quite dead. His soul hadn’t crossed the threshold.

Chloe: I see. Did he tell you why he did it?

Lucifer: Why, money, of course. You humans, you love your money, don’t you?

Chloe: Yes. Yes, we do. And, uh, what planet are you from… London?

Lucifer: (laughs) Yes, he also said, “I just pulled the trigger.” Now, don’t you think that’s interesting?

Chloe: Delilah was shot to death by a drug dealer. And looks like Delilah herself kept the guy pretty busy. You know, it’s sad, it’s ugly, but it’s not rocket science. Something probably went south between them. She gets riddled with bullets, and a nice little act of God takes him out.

Lucifer: You know, it doesn’t work like that, Detective. It’s quite a neatly wrapped little present for the LAPD, don’t you think?

Chloe: Why don’t you tell me something? How does she end up dying in a hailstorm of bullets, and you get away without a scratch? I think that’s interesting. Don’t you?

Lucifer: The benefits of immortality.

Chloe: “Immortality.” Mm, of course, uh, you spell that with one or two M’s? I always forget.

Lucifer: What will your corrupt little organization do about this?

Chloe: Excuse me?

Lucifer: Will you find the person responsible? Will they be punished? Will this be a priority for you? Because it is for me.

Chloe: You got some balls on you, pal.

Lucifer: Oh, thank you very much, but they’re really quite average.

Chloe: I bet.

Lucifer: Now, are you sure that we haven’t met? I could swear I’ve seen you naked. Have we had sex?

Chloe: We’re done here.

Lucifer: Uh, Detective, wait! Someone out there needs to be punished. We’re not done.

Chloe: Yeah. Yeah, we are.

(Bride and groom standing in front of the minister. Lucifer walks up aisle.)

Minister: If there is anyone here that would oppose this holy union, speak now or forever hold your peace.

Lucifer: Excuse me. Yeah, I have a problem. Has-has anyone else noticed how incredibly, jaw-droppingly, loin-stirringly beautiful this young woman is and how short, sweaty, and altogether fugly this homunculus is? I mean, what is this… a wedding or a kidnapping? Do you know what I mean?

(To minister.) Yeah, good luck with that, Padre. Ooh, why you’re at it, say hey for me.

(To Jimmy.) (chuckles) It’s been a while. Jimmy Barnes! Remember me?

Jimmy: Hey, man, this is a private event. How did you get in here?

Lucifer: Yeah, and quite a lavish one for a record producer on the outs. You do remember me, don’t you?

Jimmy: Yeah, yeah, I remember you. Now, what do you want? I’m a little busy.

Lucifer: Well, I can’t believe that you’re getting married the day after your ex-fiancée and once brightest star was murdered in cold blood.

Jimmy: Yeah, that’s very sad. But you know what, she ruined my wedding once. I’m not about to let that happen again.

Lucifer: It’s hard to be rejected, isn’t it, Jimmy? Twice. (chuckles)

Jimmy: What?

Lucifer: Well, you tried to get her back recently. I mean, I’d kill someone if they denied me once. Not that that’s possible.
So, come on, what do you say, Jimbo, huh? Did you want her dead?

Jimmy: Look, stop looking at me that way, you freak. I am not playing that mind game with you. No, of course not! I was furious and I was humiliated when she dumped me, but I think, I-I think I’ve rebounded pretty well.

Lucifer: Yes, clearly. Respect.

Jimmy: Should go play your mind games with 2Vile.

Lucifer: The rapper?

Jimmy: Come on. Delilah dumped me for that lunatic. They were always fighting. He slapped her around a bunch. He surrounds himself with gun-toting morons 24-7. He is the real deal.

Lucifer: Right. (To bride.) Sorry, how rude. Allow me to introduce myself. Lucifer Morningstar.

Bride: I really don’t want to have sex with him tonight.

Lucifer: Oh, my…

Bride: I’m sorry, I… I can’t believe I just said that.

Lucifer: Oh, no, no, no. Let’s be honest here. I mean, you’re not marrying this human stain ’cause you’re actually in love with him, right?

Bride: God no.

Lucifer: No. Right. Well, I should get going. Ooh! Best of luck with you crazy kids, all right?

Butler: Good afternoon, sir.

Lucifer: Yes, I’m here to see the man sadly known as 2Vile… is he in?

Butler: I’m sorry, sir. He’s unavailable. He’s in mourning, I’m afraid.

Lucifer: Right. I have narcotics for him.

Butler: Right this way, sir.

(Lucifer enters 2Vile’s living room where he is entertaining guests.)

Man: Here you go, baby.

Lucifer: Can someone please turn down this god-awful music! Hello, disc jockey! Thank you.

2Vile: Who’s this clown?

Butler: He has narcotics for you, sir.

Lucifer: My name is Lucifer Morningstar.

2Vile: “Lucifer Morningstar”? Now, that’s a good hip-hop name.

Lucifer: Well, that offends me.

2Vile: What, you don’t like hip-hop?

Lucifer: No, I most certainly do not.

2Vile: Well, that offends me. You have a problem with black people?

Lucifer: No, not in the slightest. I just hate your music. And when I say “your music,” I mean your music. Not the music made by other black people. Without the blues, there’d be no devil’s music whatsoever. There are, of course, many giants in the field. Just not you… am I being clear?

2Vile: Yeah, you’re being clear all right.

Lucifer: Good.

2Vile: If you’re looking to get yourself killed.

Lucifer: Yes, well, don’t waste your munitions… I’m immortal. Tell me about Delilah.

2Vile: You ain’t seen the news? Bitch is dead.

(Lucifer grabs 2Vile, pushes him through a plate glass wall onto the outside balcony, and holds 2Vile over the side by his gold necklaces. One of his gang shoots his gun.)

2Vile: Don’t shoot, you idiot! – I didn’t kill her.

Lucifer: Why should I believe you?

2Vile: Because I loved the girl.

Lucifer: People sometimes kill people with whom they’re in love. The heart’s mysterious. So I’m told.

2Vile: Ain’t like that. Girl made me crazy!

Lucifer: Women can do that. Doesn’t mean you should beat them up, does it?

2Vile: We worked that out a long time ago. I hit her once ’cause I found out she was cheating on me. All right.

Lucifer: (Pulls 2Vile back up.) With whom?

2Vile: I don’t know. I don’t know. She wouldn’t tell me, all right? Said it was a big secret, some-some, uh, rich married guy.

Lucifer: Well, does she have a friend that she might’ve confided in?

2Vile: She didn’t trust no one, man. Uh, uh, her therapist. Her therapist is probably the only one who knows. She-she’s some, uh, uh, Dr. Linda in-in Beverly Hills. Saw her, like, five times a week on the DL. Used a fake name, everything.

Lucifer: Oh, did she now? Well, thank you for your time.

(Chloe enters the room with her gun drawn.)

Chloe: LAPD! Guns down. On the floor, down! You two against the wall.

Lucifer: Detective, welcome to the party.

Chloe: (To butler) Grab the bucket, collect the guns.
Now!

Lucifer: You sly dog, you did listen to me.

Chloe: I ran the dead guy’s cell phone. 2Vile was the last person he called.

2Vile: Come on, man.

Chloe: What I find highly interesting is how you made the connection on your own.

Lucifer: Well, I’ve been busy, my dear.

Chloe: (To 2Vile) Talk to me about Delilah.

Lucifer: We’ve been over that one, Detective.

Chloe: And why you called the shooter two days before she was murdered.

2Vile: Fine. Yeah, I called Eddie ’cause he hooks me up sometimes. He met Delilah through me. Whatever. Don’t make me a killer, do it?

Chloe: No, but it does make you a suspect.

2Vile: What, so everyone on Eddie’s phone’s a suspect? Are you joking? You gonna drag half of Hollywood downtown. Be like the Oscars or something.

Man: Wait, aren’t you that chick from that film?

Lucifer: Hmm, what’s this? What film?

Man: You used to be an actress or something, right? Yeah. That teen movie… I forget what it’s called.

Lucifer: Of course. Hot Tub High School. That’s where I know you from.

Chloe: Let’s just stick to my questions, shall we? So…

Lucifer: The one with the famous nude scene, coming out of the hot tub! It was, like, a complete Fast Times rip-off. She was, like, the new Phoebe Cates!

Chloe: Thanks, I appreciate that.

Lucifer: That was quite a nude scene.

Chloe: I have far too many bullets in this thing for you to still be talking. (To 2Vile) You, we need to have a conversation right now.

Lucifer: That’s a waste of time, Detective. I’ve just threatened his life… he’s not our guy. He would’ve said, trust me.

Chloe: You did what?

2Vile: Yeah, isn’t that illegal?

Chloe: Uh, little bit, yeah. (To 2Vile) You stay put. (To Lucifer) You, you’re coming with me.

Lucifer: What? Ooh. With pleasure. At least, perhaps now, you’ll listen to me. Although, I’m not quite sure why I’m being arrested.

Chloe: (Putting handcuffs on Lucifer) Because you’re interfering with a police investigation. You’ve broken I can’t even count how many laws. And you pissed me off. (Walks Lucifer out of room.)

Lucifer: Right, I can get out of these, you know?

Chloe: Funny.

(Lucifer shows open handcuffs he’s taken off.)

Chloe: How’d you do that?

Lucifer: Come on, we’re wasting time. We should be out there solving a homicide and punishing those responsible.

Chloe: “We”? You’re insane. I’m taking you in. Get in the car.

Lucifer: No, that’s boring. Not to mention pointless. Come on, I’ll help you. It’ll be fun.

Chloe: How could you possibly help me?

Lucifer: I have a certain skill set. I can be very persuasive with people and tend to see things that others cannot.

Chloe: So, you’re psychic or something?

Lucifer: No, I can’t read people’s minds. I’m not a Jedi. People just like to tell me things.

Chloe: Hmm, just-just tell you things? Just confess their sins, just like that?

Lucifer: No, not their sins. I have no power over people’s sins. I actually get a bad rap for that. I have the ability to draw out people’s forbidden desires. The more simple the human, the easier it is. The more complex, the more challenging and exciting, really. But no, the actual sins, the sins are on you people.

Chloe: “You people”? I got it. I got it! The name? The whole Lucifer thing? And desire’s, like, your superpower.

Lucifer: Mm, it’s more like a gift from God really. Okay, look. (Looking intently into Chloe’s eyes.) Tell me, Detective, what do you desire more than anything else in this life?

Chloe: This is it? This is your big trick? (She pauses a moment) I guess, when I was a little girl, I… always wanted to be a cop like my daddy, so that… that one day I could help people and… and be taken seriously…

…when I say to shut up and get in the damn car. (Chloe smiles. Lucifer looks shocked.)

Lucifer: You’re not, like, a Jedi or something, are you?

Chloe: Get in the car.

Lucifer: No, no, no, no, no. Look. I know something you don’t know.

Chloe: Really? What’s that?

Lucifer: Won’t say unless you take me with you on this. Please, come on. I got to 2Vile, didn’t I?

Chloe: Why do you care about this so much? About Delilah?

Lucifer: Look, I just… I just do. Look, if I hadn’t meddled with her career, maybe she wouldn’t have died. Okay.

Lucifer: Okay, fine… but if this little clue thing of yours doesn’t pan out, these are going back on, and they’re gonna stay on.

Lucifer: Is that a promise?

(Lucifer is in the back seat. Chloe is talking on the phone.)

Chloe: Yeah, therapist in Beverly Hills with the first name Linda. See if Delilah was a client.

Lucifer: Ah-ah, actually, she had a pseudonym, which I also happen to know. I’m quite good at this, aren’t I? – Uh, Penny Lane.

Chloe: (To Lucifer) Okay. (Back on phone) Delilah may have gone by Penny Lane. Thanks.

(Glances at Lucifer) Don’t look so smug. Nothing’s panned out yet.

Lucifer: No, no, no, it’s not that. It’s just that I knew that I recognized you.

Chloe: Right. Right, you’ve seen my boobies. It’s exciting. What, are you 12?

Lucifer: So is the, uh… is the movie why you’ve got such a chip on your shoulder?

Chloe: Uh, it’s low on the list – of things I have to live down, I guess.

Lucifer: Right. Attractive female cop struggling to be taken seriously in a man’s man’s world… that it?

Chloe: Yeah, something like that.

Lucifer: Well, they’re threatened. You’re clearly smart and have notable instincts. Ignore them. Trust yourself.

Chloe: (Phone rings) Detective Decker. All right, text it to me. Thanks.

Lucifer: What’s that?

Chloe: What you were saying stands up. There’s a Penny Lane who sees a Dr. Linda Martin in Beverly Hills.

Lucifer: Excellent. I’ll clear my schedule. (Phone rings again) Ooh, someone’s popular.

Chloe: Please stop talking. (On phone) Hello. What? You’re kidding me. Is she okay? Oh, of course, he’s not there. Thanks. We got to make a pit stop.

Lucifer: What? No, absolutely not.

Chloe: My kid got into a fight. I got to pick her up.

Lucifer: What, can’t she get herself home?

Chloe: She’s seven.

Lucifer: Look, I’m not here to help you run errands. I’m here to help you solve a homicide.

Chloe: Really? All right. (Makes a hard right turn sending Lucifer to the other side of the car.)

Chloe: (To Lucifer) Wait here.

Lucifer: With pleasure. Despise children.

(Chloe enters school. Lucifer steps out of the car to smoke. Sees attractive woman going into school and follows here. He can’t find her inside and sits down on a bench in the hallway next to a young girl and goes to light a cigarette.)

Trixie: I don’t think you’re allowed to smoke in here.

Lucifer: Oh, dear, what will become of me?

Trixie: My mother is a police officer. She could arrest you.

Lucifer: Oh, I think I might know your mother.

Trixie: What’s your name?

Lucifer: Lucifer.

Trixie: Like the Devil?

Lucifer: Exactly.

Trixie: My name’s Beatrice, but everybody calls me Trixie.

Lucifer: That’s a hooker’s name.

Trixie: What’s a hooker?

Lucifer: Ask your mother. So… why are you in trouble?

Trixie: See that girl over there? She was bullying me. She created a fake Snapchat account and used it to make fun of me. So… I kicked her in the no-no-touch-touch square.

(Lucifer looks confused. Trixie points to his crotch.)

Lucifer: Oh. Oh, I see. Well played. Well played, indeed.

(Lucifer walks over and crouches down next to the mean girl.)

Lucifer: Hello, mean girl. Did you know there’s a special section of Hell reserved for bullies? So have fun.

(Lucifer’s eyes turn red. Mean girl screams and looks away. Chloe comes out of the office.)

Chloe: What did you do?

Lucifer: Oh… I just think someone’s feeling a little guilty.

(Chloe, Trixie, and Lucifer are leaving school as Dan walks up.)

Trixie: Hi, Daddy.

Dan: Hi, munchkin.

Chloe: Wow, shocker, you’re late.

Dan: Come on, give me a break. I’m putting a case to bed.

Chloe: Right, like I’m not working a case, too. Oh, yeah, the one you tried to steal from me.

Dan: You mean the open and shut one. You did open and shut it, right?

Chloe: I’m being diligent, Dan. It’s a high-profile case.

Dan: Exactly, which is why you need to be smart about it.

Lucifer: She is smart. You’re the dimwit. Perhaps you should refrain from arguing in front of the child. It’s unbecoming.

Dan: I don’t know whether to laugh or to shoot you.

Lucifer: Surprise me.

Trixie: Isn’t he funny, Daddy?

Chloe: (To Dan) Hey, can you, uh, drop Trix at my mom’s? We got to go. Thank you. (To Trixie) Trixella, give Mommy a kiss. I love you so much. Good job standing up to the mean girl.

Trixie: Thanks, Mommy. What’s a hooker? Daddy will tell you. Bye, Lucifer. It was nice meeting you.

Chloe: Hmm. Think she likes you.

Lucifer: Of course she does… what’s not to like?

Lucifer: Was your offspring planned or a mistake?

Chloe: Planned, sort of.

Lucifer: Really? ‘Cause I’ve never understood the human desire to procreate.

Chloe: That’s probably a good thing.

Lucifer: I mean, children are hideous little creatures, terrible, taxing burdens.

Chloe: Mmm. Mmm.

Lucifer: Oh, um, yours is fine. I mean, you know, nothing to crow about, but nothing to be too embarrassed about, either, so that’s quite good, isn’t it?

Chloe: Are you at all aware of how dickish you sound?

Lucifer: No. Speaking of dicks… why was that ex-husband of yours pressuring you to close the case?

Chloe: No reason.

Lucifer: Strange.

Chloe: Yes, you are.

Lucifer: Did my father send you?

(Dr. Linda opens her door.)

Dr. Linda: Okay, Detectives, I’ll see you now.

Chloe: Thank you.

Lucifer: Oh. “Detectives.”

Chloe: Dr. Martin, I’d like to ask you a few questions about Delilah.

(Dr. Linda is staring intently at Lucifer)

Lucifer: You’re thinking about it, aren’t you?

Dr. Linda: What?

Lucifer: Yes, I wouldn’t recommend it. I’m like walking heroin. Very habit-forming. It never ends well.

Chloe: I’m sorry, do… do you two know each other?

Lucifer: No, no, but I know that look.

Dr. Linda: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Lucifer: (To Chloe) That is interesting ’cause… you don’t look at me that way.

Chloe: What way?

Lucifer: With carnal fascination.

Chloe: That’s ’cause it doesn’t exist.

Lucifer: No, you see, that’s just it… with most women, it does. I tend to appeal to the dark, mischievous hearts in all of you, but you, Detective, you seem oddly immune to my charms.

Chloe: Referring to them as “charms,” I think, is a bit of a stretch. Truth be told, I find you repulsive. Like, on a chemical level.

Lucifer: That’s fascinating. Now, tell me, Linda…

Dr. Linda: You say it’s fascinating, and yet I can see that it disturbs you, doesn’t it? Deeply. (Lucifer is taken back by this comment.)

Chloe: Dr. Martin, we know that, um, Delilah was having a clandestine affair with a wealthy married man, so if you just tell us his name, we will be on our way.

Dr. Linda: I’m sorry, I can’t do that.

Lucifer: Oh, she’s one of the complex ones. Linda, darling, why don’t you tell me? Hmm?

Dr. Linda: Well, I can’t. I want to, but I can’t. Oh, you’re the devil.

Lucifer: Correct. Now, come on, Dr. Martin. I know you want to.

Dr. Linda: Oh, man, and it’s really, really juicy, too.

Lucifer: Ooh, I bet it is.

Dr. Linda: No, I can’t.

Chloe: (To Lucifer) What did you do to her? Did you roofie her?

Lucifer: Oh, no, it’s not her fault. She’s just reacting to me. Just watch and learn, okay? Right, the answer is yes, we can take a trip to pound town if we must, but first, you’re gonna have to tell us, Linda, okay? Um…

Dr. Linda: Okay… it’s Grey Cooper.

Chloe: Grey Cooper? Seriously? That is juicy.

Lucifer: Grey Cooper, the actor? The one who’s married to Amanda what’s-her-chops?

Dr. Linda: Yeah, yeah.

Lucifer: Oh, no, he’s horrible. So square-jawed, so handsome, so vanilla. Oh, I’m really quite disappointed in Delilah. That’s truly terrible taste in the opposite sex.

Chloe: (Getting up to leave.) Thank you very much, Dr.
Martin. We’ll be in touch. All right, (To Lucifer) we got to go.

Lucifer: Yes, of course, but I… I made a deal, so I’m gonna have to hold up my end of the bargain. You wouldn’t mind waiting outside?

Chloe: Are you seriously talking about having sex with her right now?

Lucifer: Well, it won’t take long.

Dr. Linda: I do yoga. Hot… yoga. I’m freakishly flexible.
Want to see? (Stretches out her leg.) Wow! I really tried to keep that one in.

Lucifer: Well, you tried… that’s what matters. Uh, look, I’m really sorry, but I’m gonna have to take a rain check. I will be back, okay?

Dr. Linda: I certainly hope so.

Lucifer: My word is my bond.

(Lucifer pushes through crowd an onto the set during a car crash.)

Lucifer: Excuse me! Excuse me. Ah, excuse me. Thank you.

Man: Hey, hey, sir. Who the is this guy? What the hell are you doing?

Chloe: Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry, he’s with me.

Lucifer: That’s not Grey Cooper.

Director: No, of course not.

Lucifer: What the hell is this? We need to speak with Mr.
Cooper.

Grey Cooper: God, Delilah, yeah, heard about that this morning. I can’t believe it. We did a movie together last year. Got pretty close.

Lucifer: Lovers?

Grey Cooper: Friends.

Lucifer: Friends who were lovers?

Chloe: Settle down. I’ll handle the questions. Mr. Cooper, when did you last have contact with Delilah?

Lucifer: Well, actually, I just have one more question before you proceed with the boring ones. (Looking intently into Grey Coooper’s eyes)Tell me, Mr. Cooper, what do you want more than anything in this world? What’s your deepest, darkest desire? You close your eyes, what do you see?

Grey Cooper: I’m the president of the United States of America.

Lucifer: Ha! Well, who’s the Devil now, eh?

Chloe: Those are some pretty big aspirations there, – Mr.
Cooper.

Grey Cooper: Well, after the acting – and stuff.

Chloe: No need to be embarrassed. Hell, if Arnold can do it, right?

Lucifer: Now, you wouldn’t want any nasty secrets screwing that up for you, though, would you?

Grey Cooper: Is there a point to this?

Chloe: Mr. Cooper, were you having an affair with Delilah?

Amanda: Honey! Have you been getting my texts? I thought they were breaking you for lunch like a half hour ago.
What’s going on?

Grey Cooper: These people are detectives.

Amanda: Real ones?

Chloe: We have some questions about Delilah.

Amanda: Oh. Oh. Yes, it’s so sad. Yeah. Very sad.

Chloe: (To Grey Cooper) Your watch, where’d you get that?

Grey Cooper: Oh, it’s a prop.

Amanda: No, that’s the one Delilah gave you, isn’t it? For Time Will Tell?

Grey Cooper: Right. That’s the movie that we did. It was a wrap gift.

Chloe: Yeah. She buy a $10,000 watch – for the whole crew?

Grey Cooper: Uh, no. Just me, as far as I know. ‘Cause we were, you know, costars and everything.

Lucifer: You know, you’re gonna have to get much better at lying if you want to be president.

Grey Cooper: I know, right?

Lucifer: So you were sleeping with her, then, yeah?

Grey Cooper: (chucking) Oh, yeah. (stunned) Crap. I just said that in front of people.

Amanda: Whatever. It’s not like I didn’t know. God, you are a terrible liar. And actor, by the way.

Grey Cooper: You knew?

Amanda: Of course. Why else do you think I’ve been sleeping with Bobby?

Grey Cooper: Are you serious?

Amanda: Oh, yeah. And it is good. Mmm. I climb that man like a tree. Right, Bobby?

Grey Cooper: My bodyguard? What a cliché.

Amanda: Oh, I’m a cliché? Well, you’re a dick.

Grey Cooper: Oh, boy.

(Grey Cooper and Bobby start to scuffle)

Director: Hey, guys… Come on! Hey, guys.

Chloe: Arrest them. Seriously? (To Lucifer) One of them’s got to be guilty.

(Lucifer hands a drink to Chloe)

Chloe: Thanks. So, Grey and Amanda have zero connection to the shooter. But the shooter had the same watch as Grey. That can’t be a coincidence. Maybe Delilah gave him one, too, like kind of a go-to gift. I…

Lucifer: Well, that would imply she was actually sleeping with that maggot.

Chloe: Really? Jimmy, 2Vile, Grey Cooper. That’s three other maggots she’s sleeping with. I don’t think there’s a lot of discretion going on with her.

Lucifer: Yeah. I suppose you got a point.

Chloe: God, what am I doing here?

Lucifer: Wrong deity, but, yes, that is the eternal question.

Chloe: No. I mean here, in a bar, – with you.

Lucifer: Well, I don’t know. You tell me, Detective. I mean, despite your proclaimed revulsion, you can’t deny that there’s a connection between us. Tell me, what do you actually want?

Chloe: You mean what do I desire more than anything else – in this life?

Lucifer: Yes.

Chloe: Mm-hmm.

Lucifer: No tricks. Not that they work on you, you freak. Seriously. I’m curious.

Chloe: I don’t know. What-what I told you’s true. I-I really do want to help people. My father was a cop. He was a great cop. My mother was an actress. Really cheesy one. I tried the acting thing. I took off my top. Wasn’t really contributing to the betterment of society.

Lucifer: I disagree. I love that movie.

Chloe: So I quit. Decided to become a cop like my dad and, uh, dealt with the whole Hot Tub High School thing, until, um, I became a detective and found a whole new way – to ostracize myself.

Lucifer: Ah, the… reason your ex-maggot was pressuring you to close this?

Chloe: Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. There was a case, a shooting on Palmetto Street where a cop was shot, and I saw it differently than pretty much everyone in my department, including my ex. And I stuck my neck out, and it backfired. And, uh, now… no one wants to work with me.

Lucifer: Well, I’m available.

Maze: (To Lucifer after seeing news about Delilah’s album sales) Too bad your little protégé isn’t around to collect the check.

Newscaster: The soundtrack album for the movie Time Will Tell has reached number 15 on the Billboard charts and is still climbing. Song and record sales…

Chloe: Oh, wow.

Lucifer: What?

Chloe: Delilah didn’t give that watch to the drug dealer.

Jimmy: (To artist who just was singing) Stop, stop, stop!

Singer: What is it?

Jimmy: You got a gerbil in your throat? What’s going on?

(Lucifer and Chloe come into studio behind Jimmy)

Lucifer: Hello, Jimmy.

Jimmy: Really?

Lucifer: How’s the album sales doing?

Jimmy: What album?

Chloe: Soundtrack to Time Will Tell, which you produced. Whitney Houston hit the top ten for album sales after her death. Michael Jackson hit the stratosphere. Not sure you’ll achieve such heights having Delilah killed, but that sure is a boatload of royalty checks headed your way.

Lucifer: Guess you really needed the cash, huh? Which is why you had to pay the shooter with your watch. The watch Delilah gave you. Now, that’s just sick. But then you are, so… Hey, Jimmy?

Jimmy: I made her, and she ruined me. She humiliated me. She owes me.

Lucifer: You’re not God, Jimmy. You didn’t make her. But you did destroy her. So I’m gonna punish you.

Jimmy: (Pulls out a gun and holds it to singers head) You back off, you freak. I mean it. I am not going to jail for that bitch. No chance.

Chloe: Listen to him, Lucifer.

Jimmy: Back off.

Lucifer: I told you, it’s fine. I’m immortal. Why did you do that?

Chloe: He was gonna kill you.

(Jimmy points gun at Lucifer and Chloe shoots Jimmy)

Lucifer: No, no, no, no, no, no. (To Chloe) You just… you just let him off too easy. He needs to pay! He needs to suffer! He needs to feel the pain, – not escape it!

Chloe: Don’t worry. I’m sure where he’s going, the pain’s coming.

Lucifer: No. No, it’s not, actually. And you know why? Because I’m here and he’s…

(Shot rings out, Chloe is hit in shoulder. Second bullet breaks sound booth glass. Lucifer runs to Chloes side.)

Lucifer: Chloe.

Chloe: I don’t want to die.

Lucifer: I won’t let you. Your father will just have to wait for you.

(Three more shots are fired that hit Lucifer in his back)

Lucifer: (To Chloe) Just… give me one second.

Jimmy: No, please! No, no, please! Please. Please don’t kill me.

Lucifer: Oh, Jimmy. You’re gonna wish that’s all I did to you.

(Lucifer holds Jimmy towards a mirror. In reflection is seen the Devil’s red face.)

(Chloe is waking up in bed. Lucifer is sitting next to the bed.)

Lucifer: Well, look who’s back.

Chloe: How long have I been out?

Lucifer: Three years.

Chloe: What? (Lucifer smiles) You’re such an ass.

Lucifer: Thank you.

Chloe: Oh, God. He was firing at you. Why aren’t you…
more dead?

Lucifer: You’re having a very hard time with the immortal thing, aren’t you?

Chloe: What happened with Jimmy?

Lucifer: Jimmy? Jimmy got what he deserved.

Chloe: Hmm? Well, I’m pretty sure I’d be dead if you hadn’t helped me, so… thank you.

Lucifer: Sorry, what was that? That last bit. I didn’t quite get that.

Chloe: Thank you.

Lucifer: You’re welcome. And, besides, you know, you’re far too interesting to let die.

Chloe: You saved my life because I’m interesting?

Lucifer: Wildly irritating as well, but yes.

Chloe: So what now?

Lucifer: Well, I mean, I’ve obviously proven myself to be an invaluable crime-fighting tool. You’re a pariah in the department. I think this could be the start of a beautiful friendship. Don’t you?

Chloe: Who the hell are you?

Lucifer: I told you, I’m…

(Trixie runs into the room and goes to hug Lucifer)

Trixie: Lucifer!

Lucifer: Uh, yes. Hello, child. Um, just… Why don’t you save some of this unpleasantness for your mother, yeah? (Picks up Trixie and puts her in bed next to Chloe.)

Chloe: Ooh.

Lucifer: Sorry.

Chloe: Oh. God.

Trixie: Are you hurt?

Chloe: I’m okay.

Lucifer: Right. Well, I’d stay for the family reunion, but it’s giving me terrible IBS. So, look forward to seeing you soon, Chloe.

Chloe: I don’t.

Lucifer: Bye, now. Glad you’re not dead.

(Lucifer parks his car and throws keys to valet and suddenly time slows.)

Lucifer: (To himself) Bloody hell. (Walking across street to where Amenadiel stands in traffic) What do you want from me?

Amenadiel: I’ve been watching you, Lucifer.

Lucifer: You perv.

Amenadiel: And I’m not sure I like what I see. You’re showing restraint, mercy.

Lucifer: You scared I’m turning my back on the dark side, bro?

Amenadiel: Lucifer, there is a balance here that we must maintain. I strongly suggest you do what I told you to do and go back to Hell.

Lucifer: Don’t threaten me, Amenadiel. I mean, you don’t want to start a war.

Amenadiel: I would love a war. Oh, Luci. My hatred for you grows stronger with every visit.

Lucifer: Well, I wouldn’t have it any other way, pal. I look forward to eating your heart one day. Peace.

(Amenadiel opens his wings.)

Lucifer: (Sound a wings) Ugh.

Lucifer: I sense your disapproval, Maze. What is it?

Maze: I just can’t understand why you would save a human life.

Lucifer: Well, there’s… something different about her that I don’t quite understand, and it vexes me.

Maze: Maybe it’s not her that’s different.

Lucifer: Is this where I’m supposed to ask, “Whatever do you mean?”

Maze: I’m worried the humans are rubbing off on you. Stop caring. You’re the Devil.

Lucifer: Yes, I am.

(Lucifer gets up from bar and heads out.)

Dr. Linda: (Opening door she sees Lucifer) Okay.

Lucifer: Right. Uh… Here’s the deal. We can have as much naked cuddle time as you desire, but… you’re gonna have to listen to me, too. There’s a few things that I’d like to discuss with you. You know, just a… an existential dilemma or two. Deal?

Dr. Linda: Yes.

Lucifer: Lovely.

(Lucifer enters her office. Door closes. In-session light comes on.)