S1 Ep02: Lucifer, Stay. Good Devil.

15 May 2021 / 5 August 2021 by Victoria

(Opening sequence)

(Street preacher on some LA street is surrounded by the crowd)

Preacher: Save your soul! It’s up to you! I ask you to repent! Repent your sins before it is too late! It is the end of times! The Devil walks among us!

(Lucifer comes nearer)

Lucifer: Padre, you have no idea how right you are. (chuckles) But there’s no need to be angry about it. Enjoy the ride.

Preacher: Bless you. Have you seen the face of the Devil?

Lucifer: Oh, every morning in the mirror, pal.

Preacher: Exactly! He’s in all of us! In our every moment of weakness. Look at this world! The sin, the lust! It is the Devil’s touch.

Lucifer: N-N-No, don’t give me credit for all that. You, humans, do plenty all on your own. (microphone feedback squeals)

Preacher: (sighs) What’s your problem, pal?

Lucifer: Excuse me?

Preacher: Yeah, uh, why don’t you move your shtick along. Okay, I’m not sharing my tips with you, if that’s what you’re angling for.

Lucifer: Oh. Right. Is this a performance? Are you like the Chewbacca and the Spider-Man down the street? I have to say, you’re very good.

Preacher: Yeah, so why don’t you go bother them. You’re bad for my business. Repent! The Devil…

Lucifer: Isn’t finished with you yet. You see, what I hate more than anything is a liar, a charlatan, someone who doesn’t believe in what they say.

Preacher: So what are you gonna do about it?

Lucifer: Why, make you a believer, of course.

(Lucifer shows Preacher his devil face)

Preacher: (screams) S-S… uh, stay away! He’s the Devil! You don’t understand! This isn’t a performance! He’s the Devil! He’s the Devil! (crowd clamoring)

Lucifer: It’s true. It is true. (applause) (chuckles) Yes, thanks, everyone. I’m, uh, here till, well, the end of time, actually. (laughs)

(Lucifer sits on the sofa across from Dr. Linda)

Dr. Linda: So you’re the Devil.

Lucifer: Yes. Yes. Well, Satan, Beelzebub, Old Scratch. Actually, I like that one in particular. But, uh, those were the old me. These days, you just have plain old Lucifer.

Dr. Linda: And you’ve left Hell behind to take a vacation in Los Angeles.

Lucifer: Well, where else would I go? You don’t seem too bothered by my being the Prince of Darkness.

Dr. Linda: I’m willing to work within your metaphor.

Lucifer: Right.

Dr. Linda: Sometimes it’s easier to make intimate issues about something bigger than yourself.

Lucifer: Well, there are few things bigger than myself.

Dr. Linda: I’m well aware. (Lucifer chuckles)

Dr. Linda: (sighs) Ah. Last we spoke, you were bothered about feelings of humanity.

Lucifer: I was, yes, but I have good news for you on that front. I’m healed.

Dr. Linda: Is that so?

Lucifer: Yes. Yes, back to my normal, devilish self. No pesky empathy to be found. I’d kick a puppy if one waltzed by. I’m joking. Puppies don’t waltz.

Dr. Linda: You like to hide insecurity in humor, don’t you?

Lucifer: (laughs) I don’t have insecurities.

Dr. Linda: Mm. Everyone does.

Lucifer: (sighs) Very well. I’ll play your game. What do you think I’m insecure about?

Dr. Linda: That you are changing, but that you don’t know what’s causing the change. Or who. We’ll pick this up next time.

Lucifer: What? Oh, very well. A deal’s a deal. Though, why do I feel like you’re getting more out of our bargain than I am?

(Dr. Linda jumps on Lucifer. gasps)

(Lucifer making the rounds. Chloe is at a table trying not to be noticed. Maze puts a drink on the table before Chloe.)

Chloe: Oh, I didn’t order a drink.

Maze: Courtesy of the owner.

Chloe: This is from Lucifer?

Maze: He asked me to make you something you’d like. Did I get it wrong?

Chloe: You and Lucifer seem really close.

Maze: I followed him through the gates of Hell.

Chloe: I’ll take that as a “yes.” (laughs)

(Lucifer sits at the piano playing a gentle melody. Chloe walks over to him.)

Lucifer: (sighs) Hello, Detective. How has your undercover surveillance of my activities gone so far?

Chloe: I’ve looked into you. Your name really is Lucifer Morningstar. And as far as I can tell, you didn’t exist five years ago.

Lucifer: On the earthly plane, no.

Chloe: People don’t appear out of thin air. Who were you? How did you survive getting shot six times by Jimmy Barnes?

Lucifer: Is that your normal reaction to someone saving your life? Investigating them?

Chloe: When I see something I can’t explain, yeah, I look for answers.

Lucifer: Well, I’ve given you the answer, Detective. It’s not my fault you won’t accept it. Do you know what I think?

Chloe: I stopped trying to guess.

Lucifer: I think you like me.

Chloe: What part of the look on my face gives you that impression?

Lucifer: No, no, no, it’s not about the face. It’s about the eyes, what’s behind them. I think you see something that you truly desire, and you… you don’t know what to do with yourself, do you?

Chloe: Really? Uh-huh. (Chloe chuckles and sits next to Lucifer and leans towards him, moving her hands around his body.) (laughs) Hmm. (laughs)

Lucifer: That’s more like it. (sighs) Detective, I never knew you cared. (chuckles) Mm. Ooh. (laughing) (sighs) (both sigh)

Chloe: No bulletproof vest.

Lucifer: What?

Chloe: (standing up now) I just couldn’t imagine how you’d get it under that suit, but I had to check. What is it? What is it? What is it? I’m gonna figure out your secret, Lucifer.

Lucifer: Not a secret if I’m telling you the answer! It’s… Why don’t I affect you, Detective? What makes you different?

Chloe: I guess we both have our mysteries.

Lucifer: Ah. Well, I’ll show you mine if you show me yours. (phone ringing)

Lucifer: Oh, God, not that again.

Chloe: Decker. Are you sure? Yes. Yes, um, please send me the address. I… I owe you one. (sighs) Oh, finally.

Lucifer: Now that affected you. What was it? (Chloe leaves) Detective? Detective?!

(indistinct police radio chatter, camera clicking, police moving paparazzo away from crashed car)

Officer: Come on. Active scene.

(Chloe walks up to Dan who is taking notes)

Dan: (To Chloe) The victim was being followed by a paparazzo. Tried to lose his tail. Instead, lost control of his car. Died on impact.

Chloe: The paparazzo following him was…?

Dan: Was Nick Hofmeister, yeah.

Chloe: Who’s the victim?

Dan: Robbie Russell Jr.

Chloe: The son of the movie star? He wasn’t in the business, was he?

Dan: Didn’t stop everyone from wanting pictures of him. They’re vultures.

Chloe: You get a statement from Nick?

Dan: You can’t be involved in an active case until you’re off medical leave. Listen, I get why you wanted to be here, I do. But you have to bring him? (Motions towards where Lucifer is entering the crime tape.)

Chloe: You’ve got to be kidding me. (To Lucifer) What are you doing here?

Lucifer: Oh! How’s your ex? He’s not the reason you rushed over here, is he?

Chloe: Answer the question.

Lucifer: I’m trying to solve my mystery, Detective. If I don’t affect you, I’m curious as to what does. Oh, and I think I’ve just found my answer. Who’s that?

Chloe: He’s a paparazzo.

Lucifer: Oh. Had a little run-in with him during your Hot Tub High School days, did you? Huh? Is that it?

Chloe: Yeah, you could say that. He’s a cockroach. But he’ll figure a way out of this. He always does.

Lucifer: You want to talk to him, don’t you? Well, go on, then. What’s stopping you? The rules? Huh? Detective Douche? If you desire something, just take it.

Chloe: Lucifer, what are you doing?

Lucifer: Hello. (Lucifer opens the back door of the police car that Nick is in, grabs Nick, and pulls him out of the car. grunts, groans)

Chloe: You finally did it, Nick. You finally wanted a photo so bad that you killed someone. You’re not gonna get away with this. I’m gonna make sure of it.

Nick: You’re right.

Chloe: Say that again?

Nick: You’re right. I went too far. I’ll confess.

Lucifer: Okay. Maybe he’s less cockroach, more dung beetle? Police work always this easy?

Chloe: No. That’s the problem.

Lucifer: Right. Well, do you mind if I give it a whirl? (Lucifer looks into Nick’s eyes) Tell me, dung beetle, what is it you desire?

Nick: I… would like to confess.

Lucifer: Yes, yes, yes, but why?

Nick: Because I deserve it. I’ve just done… (laughs) …so many terrible things, you know? I see it as my chance to-to…

Chloe: Chance to what?

Nick: No. I… I… If I tell you, he’s just gonna… No. Just…

Chloe: He? Who?

Nick: Would you please make him stop?

Chloe: Who? He who? Him.

Nick: Tell him.

Chloe: What are you hiding?

Dan: (Interrupting) What are you doing?

Chloe: (Still trying to talk to Nick) Hey. You said, “he.” Who?

Dan: Neither one of you are supposed to be here. (To Lucifer) Especially you.

Lucifer: (laughs)

Dan: (Grabs Nick and puts him back in a police car) Come on.

Lucifer: All right. Temper, temper. Right. Well, that’s done. (car engine starts) (sighs)

Chloe: No. If Nick’s covering for someone, that means the real murderer is still out there.

Lucifer: Yes, plenty of murderers are out there, Detective. You heard the man. He deserves the punishment. At least he’s getting it. But that’s not enough for you, is it? You hate that dung beetle. Are you really gonna try and prove his innocence?

Chloe: I’m gonna find out who really killed this kid.

Lucifer: (gasps) So that’s a yes. Wow, aren’t you full of surprises? Well, where do we begin?

(indistinct police radio chatter, camera clicking, body bag on stretcher being taken to ambulance)

Dan: You think Nick Hofmeister is innocent? You?

Chloe: He confessed, Dan. Nick wouldn’t confess to a parking ticket, let alone a murder. It just sounded like he was covering for someone.

Dan: So wait. First, he confessed, then he told you he didn’t do it?

Chloe: Well, he didn’t want to. You know, Lucifer, um… … made him.

Dan: Do I even want to know what that means?

Chloe: Look, he was about to tell us more before you came and took him away, Dan.

Dan: You know what, his car is at the scene. He confessed.

Chloe: I know.

Dan: Is this the fight that you want to pick?

Chloe: Just promise me you’ll look into it.

Dan: I’ll do my job. Go home.

Chloe: Okay.

Dan: And take your weird club-owner sidekick with you before I arrest him.

Chloe: For what?

Dan: Let’s start with smoking pot at a crime scene.

(Chloe walks over to where Lucifer is leaning against a car smoking)

Lucifer: Uh, sorry, do you want a hit?

Chloe: N-No. (Chloe takes joint, throws it on the ground, and steps on it.)

Lucifer: It’s “puff, puff, pass,” not “puff, puff, stomp angrily.”

Chloe: You brought pot to a crime scene?

Lucifer: I most certainly did not. I found it here.

Chloe: You found it? You found it here at a crime scene?

Lucifer: Yes, in the dung beetle’s car.

Chloe: You smoked evidence?

Lucifer: Well, it would’ve gone to waste otherwise. That’s really good stuff you just ground under your heel.

Chloe: Wow. Any sign he’d recently lit up?

Lucifer: Well, there was a… a roach from another joint, freshly smoked.

Chloe: Nick’s pupils weren’t dilated. He didn’t seem high. Maybe he wasn’t alone. Where’s the roach?

Lucifer: Well, I added it to my joint.

Chloe: (sighs)

Lucifer: Well, it’s the best part.

Lucifer: So our only evidence is currently in your lungs?

Lucifer: Uh, you really wanted to say “up in smoke” then, didn’t you?

Chloe: No. No, I most definitely did not.

Lucifer: Right, so what should we do now? I mean, we could head back to Lux. I’m sure there’s some stragglers we could get into trouble with, huh?

Chloe: I’m good, thanks.

Lucifer: More for me, then.

(Lucifer gets out of bed where there is a sleeping man and woman, goes into the main room, and takes an apple out of a bowl sitting on a grand piano.)

Lucifer: (Speaking to apple) Hello, old friend. (Lucifer tosses apple in the air, time slows, Lucifer sighs) Bloody hell.

Amenadiel: Brother, I’m disappointed in you.

Lucifer: What? It’s called a devil’s threesome for a reason.

Amenadiel: You were once the brightest of all of God’s angels, Lucifer. And now, look at you.

Lucifer: Look, if you’ve come to lecture me, can you just save it for later? I’m annoyingly sober right now, and it takes ages to pour a drink when you’re around.

Amenadiel: Actually, I’m here with an offer.

Lucifer: Really?

Amenadiel: Go back to Hell, Lucifer, and I will speak to Father.

Lucifer: You’re scared, aren’t you? That if I don’t go back to Hell, you’re gonna have to take over.

Amenadiel: Oh, that would never happen.

Lucifer: Oh, no, no, I mean, it’s not like God sent his favorite son to reign over Hell before, is it? Oh, wait, sorry. Forgot. So you can take your ultimatum and shove it up your feathered hole.

Amenadiel: You can’t see it yet, can you?

Lucifer: What’s that?

Amenadiel: You saved a human life, Luci. And not for any selfish reasons. No, you did it simply because you cared about that detective.

Lucifer: (scoffs, laughs)

Amenadiel: Your time here on Earth is affecting you, dear brother. You’re changing.

Lucifer: My life is change. “The same thing over and over,” that’s your boring motto.

Amenadiel: True, but usually you’re the one controlling the change. This time, you’re not. Now, does that scare you? Because it should.

Lucifer: You know, I am tired of your dire warnings, all right? So just go rattle your saber in someone else’s face.

Amenadiel: You think about my offer. When you’ve made a decision, you know how to find me.

(Amenadiel leaves, time starts up again, apple drops on the piano and bounces to the floor. Lucifer sighs.)

(Chloe is watching videos about Robbie Russle Jr. on a tablet)

Man: Hey, Robbie, where you been?

Robbie: If you’re gonna follow me, maybe I can do something good with this. This… is the Web site for the Red Cross. Give blood, volunteer. Don’t be like the asshat filming this.

Chloe: Good job, kid. Better than I did.

Trixie: Mommy?

Chloe: Yeah, baby?

Trixie: Are you looking at a no-no site?

Chloe: No. Why would you think that?

Trixie: Because you put it away so fast, and you look really, really guilty.

Chloe: No, baby, I’m just doing police work.

Trixie: I thought you weren’t supposed to be working.

Chloe: And I thought you were supposed to be getting ready to hang out with your dad. (doorbell rings) Who is early, apparently.

(Chloe open door to see Lucifer standing there)

Lucifer: Do you really live here? I thought I must have gotten the wrong address. How do you afford this place? Do you take bribes?

Chloe: I don’t. And what are you doing here?

Trixie: Lucifer!

Lucifer: Ah, hello again, small human. (chuckles nervously) Uh, this-this is yours, yes?

Trixie: Yeah, that’s Molly McDowell. She’s a ballerina by day, but a ninja chemist by night.

Lucifer: When a simple yes would’ve sufficed. Right, on you go, then. Go on, fetch away. (whistles) Well, go on, then. Uh, is this too advanced for her?

Trixie: You’re funny.

Chloe: Trixie, babe, come on. Get ready. You need to leave now.

Lucifer: I had no idea that Hot Tub High School paid so well.

Chloe: It didn’t. And can you shh on the Hot Tub? (whispers) She doesn’t know.

Lucifer: What, that her mom was a giant star? Why not? Not ’cause of the old…? (imitates fanfare)

Chloe: Yeah. And can you never do that again?

Lucifer: Right, sorry. So how do you afford this place?

Chloe: I don’t; it’s my mother’s. I moved in after Dan and I separated, okay?

Lucifer: Penelope Decker? Hold on a minute. Your mother’s Penelope Decker? Queen of ’80s cheeseball sci-fi?

Chloe: Yeah.

Lucifer: (gasps) You have to introduce me.

Chloe: Mm, I don’t. And I probably won’t.

Lucifer: So you’re part of a family dynasty like me. No wonder we get on so well. How did you rebel?

Chloe: What do you mean?

Lucifer: Well, you’re mad at the dung beetle. You must have done something salacious in your youth. What was it? Did you kiss a girl and like it?

Chloe: I don’t want to talk about it. Oh, so there is something. Two girls?

Chloe: Okay. An Eiffel Tower?

Chloe: What’s an Eiffel Tower?

Lucifer: It’s marvelous. It’s when two chaps high-five at the top, then the young lady…

Chloe: Okay, there is an eight-year-old in the room who doesn’t need to hear about an Eiffel Tower.

Lucifer: What…? What about the case?

Chloe: If I were secretly working on it, having you around drawing attention wouldn’t be good, would it?

Lucifer: Well, maybe not, but be much more fun, wouldn’t it, Detective, if we carried on working together? Detective? Detective?

Officer: Mm-hmm. I understand. Mm-hmm.

Lucifer: Hello, there. I’d very much like to see Nick Hofmeister.

Officer: I’m afraid I can’t… Oh. Hello.

Lucifer: Hello to you. (chuckles) (chuckles)

(Nick sits at the table. The door opens and Lucifer walks in.)

Lucifer: Afternoon, dung beetle. We need to talk. (chuckles) I, um, I’m not gonna tell you anything, man.

Lucifer: No, no, no, I don’t want to know about the case, so you can keep your dirty little secrets. No, I’d like to know about Chloe Decker. And you’re gonna tell me everything. I have an effect on people. It’s a way of pulling out their deepest desires, revealing the truth within. It works on everyone. Everyone except for Chloe Decker. And I suspect it’s somehow related to my recent bouts of humanity. What does this have to do with me? Well, you know everything about her, don’t you? All her sordid secrets. I’m hoping they’ll help me understand why she’s so frustratingly immune to my charms.

Nick: Chloe doesn’t have any sordid secrets. (chuckles)

Lucifer: I’ve seen the hatred in her eyes when she looks at you. Come on. You must have something.

Nick: Do you know what happened when she was 19?

Lucifer: She starred in Hot Tub High School and revealed her rather spectacular assets to the world.

Nick: Right. And two weeks later, her father died. Oh. Yeah, so I knew, of course, everyone in the world was gonna try to get a… shot of them leaving the funeral. And I really… (chuckles) I really wanted to be first.

Lucifer: Oh, dung beetle, tell me you didn’t.

Nick: Yeah, I crashed the funeral. And… she… oh, she flipped out. But I got my photo. Right when she punched the lens. I mean, right then… it cracked the lens right in half. I made so much money off that photo.

Lucifer: I’m sure.

Nick: Yeah, but at what cost to my soul, right? (chuckles) And that’ll be for someone else to decide.

Lucifer: (chuckles) Yeah. Well, that someone else is sitting opposite you, and it’s not looking good.

Nick: I crossed a line. And I knew it. And after that, I just did everything I could to keep others from making the same mistakes I did. That’s why I…

Lucifer: Why what?

Nick: No, it’s…

Lucifer: You want to tell me.

Nick: It’s nothing.

Lucifer: Who are you protecting from following in your footsteps?

Nick: I can’t. It’s… I just… I can’t.

Lucifer: You want to tell me, don’t you?

Nick: I really can’t.

Lucifer: You want to tell me. Who are you protecting? Who are you protecting?

Nick: How are you doing this, man?

Lucifer: Look at me. Who are you protecting?

Nick: Please, just…

Lucifer: Look at me. Look at me.

Nick: I won’t. I won’t. I can’t.

Lucifer: Look at me!

Nick: (screams and looks away) Leave me alone! (door slams closed and Lucifer is no longer there)

Robbie’s Dad: I already spoke to the police about Robbie. I don’t know what else there is to say.

Chloe: I’m just following up. I want to make sure there aren’t any suspects we overlooked.

Robbie’s Dad: But I was told Nick Hofmeister confessed.

Chloe: He did. Mr. Russell, I, um… I don’t think Nick killed your son.

Robbie’s Dad: What? Are you… Is this a joke?

Chloe: I’m sorry.

Robbie’s Dad: Y-You just don’t know what Robbie went through because of my work. Now he’s dead because of me.

Chloe: No. You know, my mom is Penelope Decker. So I was followed by paparazzi all my life, just like Robbie. But, you know, that wasn’t my mom’s fault. And you got to know, it’s not your fault either. The only person you can blame is whoever ran your son off the road. I want to make sure we get the right guy. And I’m telling you, I don’t think Nick is him.

Robbie’s Dad: There was one other paparazzo.

Chloe: Did you get a name or a description?

Robbie’s Dad: No, I didn’t. Because Robbie only noticed him once. That’s why I never mentioned him before.

Chloe: Thank you. (phone ringing) Excuse me. (sighs) Decker. He did what?

(Lucifer is turning his Pentecostal coin in the air as Maze looks on)

Maze: What is wrong with you?

Lucifer: (sighs) Nothing is wrong with me. I was hoping for sexy, salacious details, and instead, I got taken on a trip down depression lane.

Maze: You feel bad for invading her privacy? You’re the Lord of Hell. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Amenadiel is right. You are changing.

Lucifer: I don’t mind the odd smart-assed remark, Maze. They can be quite amusing. But don’t you dare disrespect me.

Maze: Or what? You’ll cry really hard on my shoulder?

Lucifer: You will not speak to me this way! (whispers)

Maze: There he is.

Chloe: How did you get into Nick’s holding cell?

Maze: And there he goes.

Chloe: Oh, sorry. Am I interrupting some creepy foreplay you two have? How did you get into Nick’s holding cell?

Lucifer: Why, by asking very nicely, of course. Something you should try sometime.

Chloe: This case has nothing to do with you. Why won’t you leave it alone?

Lucifer: Why won’t you?

Chloe: Did you learn something, at least?

Lucifer: Yes. I did, actually. Our dung beetle is protecting someone who’s following in his footsteps. Protégé, perhaps.

Chloe: I found out someone else was following Robbie, and someone’s been uploading photos online today from Nick’s company. Last one was posted an hour ago from a party that’s still happening. Our killer could be there.

Lucifer: Right.

Chloe: Are you coming or what?

Lucifer: Oh, sorry, I thought this was the part where you leave me behind and say something like, “Lucifer, stay. Good devil.”

Chloe: I’d rather keep my eye on you. (Turns to leave)

(Lucifer smiles and follows here out)

(A large group of paparazzi clamoring, cameras clicking)

Lucifer: So how do you plan on catching our murderous protégé anyway?

Chloe: Well, I was thinking, what if he never left the scene of the crime?

Lucifer: What, and instead blended in with the other paparazzi taking photos? That’s quite clever.

Chloe: Yeah, so if we recognize anyone from the crash, it could be our guy.

Lucifer: Right. Are you okay?

Chloe: I’m fine. Why? Oh, Nick told you what happened, didn’t he?

Lucifer: He did. Got to hear all about your wicked right hook.

Chloe: Oh, yeah.

Lucifer: He also told me it was a low point for him. Which I believe, actually. Yeah, I think our dung beetle, of all things, desires redemption for what he did to you.

Chloe: Yeah, well, he’s not going about it the right way, that’s for sure.

Lucifer: Yes, well, we all know what the road to Hell is paved with, don’t we? (Sees Josh in the crowd) Hello, hello, hello. There’s a familiar face.

Chloe: Yeah, from the crime scene this morning. I remember him.

Lucifer: And he’s spectacularly creepy as well, so that’s a bonus.

Josh: (Yelling) Hey, everybody, it’s Chloe Decker! Penelope Decker’s daughter!

(paparazzi clamoring)

Paparazzo: Chloe, look over here!

Chloe: Guys… Back off.

Paparazzo1: Chloe Decker! Hey, show me your boobs! Hey, show us your boobs, Chloe!

Paparazzo2: Back off, you mouth-breathing scaven…!

(Chloe is mobbed, turns, and raises her fist to punch, then stops herself)

Lucifer: Well, go on then, punch him! Come on, let’s punch them all!

Chloe: It’s not me anymore.

Lucifer: Well, it’s still very much me. You, Friar Tuck, tell me, is this depravity really all you want out of life? Hmm?

Paparazzo2: I want to win a Pulitzer for photography.

Lucifer: Pulitzer? Really? Do you hear that, chaps?

Paparazzo1: Yeah, they don’t give out Pulitzers for nip slips.

(paparazzi clamoring, cameras clicking) (tires screeching)

Chloe: (sighs) He’s gone.

Chloe: (Chloe sighs) (whispers): Oh, boy. It’s not that bad, is it?

Dan: Trixie’s classmates all have the Internet. One of them’s gonna figure out that her mom is the top story on their favorite gossip site.

Chloe: She’s finally gonna find out about Hot Tub High School. Great.

Dan: If it’s any consolation, you look really good in it.

Chloe: Thanks. Why do I feel like you’re cheering me up for even worse news?

Dan: Nick’s sticking to his story. It’s an open-and-shut case, but I can’t help it if a rogue detective won’t leave well enough alone.

Chloe: Oh, you ran the plate number I gave you.

Dan: Yes, ma’am, I did. It was registered to Nick… one of his company cars.

Chloe: Like the one that ran Robbie off the road?

Dan: Exactly. Did a little more digging. Guy’s name is Josh Bryant. He freelances for Nick.

Chloe: Thanks. Why are you doing this?

Dan: Because I think you’re onto something. So go figure it out while I buy you some time. And… be careful. All right?

(camera clicking)

Lucifer: Oh, sorry. Did I ruin your creepy little moment?

Josh: I am so happy to see you. I felt so bad about what happened. I’m a huge fan. Hot Tub High School was my favorite growing up.

Lucifer: Yes, we’re really not interested in your formative spank bank years, all right?

Josh: I’m so sorry about what happened. I would’ve done something, but I’m not good with violence. (chuckles)

Chloe: Mm. Well, lucky for us, we found you anyhow.

Josh: You were looking for me? Why?

Lucifer: Because she wants justice for Robbie Russell Jr. What is it you want, Josh? Hmm?

Josh: To be first. To always be first.

Lucifer: Really? What, did Nick teach you that? To be first?

Josh: Yeah. I learned a lot working for him. He’s my idol. He’s the best pap out there.

Chloe: So you took photos of your idol being arrested for murder?

Josh: I didn’t know what else to do. Other than what Nick would’ve done. Which is to be first, no matter what.

Lucifer: Of course.

Josh: Just a second. (camera clicks)

Chloe: You like smoking pot, Josh? It’s for my nerves. I have a prescription. (camera clicking)

Lucifer: Oh! Hello. (camera clicking) Good timing on that photo.

Josh: Just lucky I guess. (engine starts)

Lucifer: Far be it for me to call someone’s morality into question, but… I believe that photo was planned.

Chloe: Yeah. Makes me wonder what else was.

(Chloe looking at the tablet at the bar with Lucifer. Maze looks on.)

Chloe: Look at this. Celebrity shouting matches, fistfights. Josh had the first photo on every one. It escalates. Overdose. Suicide. Or so it appeared.

Lucifer: Well, I suppose the best way to be first is to know it’ll happen beforehand.

Chloe: So he follows Robbie, intent on running him off the road, but doesn’t count on his own car running off as well. This is cold, premeditated murder.

Lucifer: Mm.

Chloe: Nick’s a slimeball. I just… I don’t think he’d go this far. Which means Josh maybe convinced him to take the fall. The question is: why?

Lucifer: Well, who cares? We know Josh is guilty. Let’s punish him. Ah, I could add an ironic twist, like I used to when I ran Hell.

Chloe: Yeah, no, it doesn’t work that way, because I need evidence.

Lucifer: Well, you have plenty.

Chloe: Circumstantial. I need concrete proof.

Lucifer: (sighs)

Chloe: I’m gonna talk to Nick…

Lucifer: Boring, boring, boring, boring!

Chloe: You don’t decide who gets punished and how.

Lucifer: That’s exactly what I do.

Chloe: No, no, you don’t. This is how it works, Lucifer.

(Chloe leave the bar and walks out)

Lucifer: (sighs) Whatever speech you have brewing, Maze, I don’t want to hear it.

Maze: I think I’ve said everything I need to.

Lucifer: You’re right. And I agree. Let’s go deliver some punishment. (chuckles)

(Chloe is showing Nick the tablet of Josh’s photographs)

Chloe: We believe Josh may be a very disturbed individual.

Nick: (sighs) God. He caused all these?

Chloe: Yeah. All of them.

Nick: I can’t believe it. I…

Chloe: Tell me what really happened, Nick.

Nick: (sighs) I took Josh in when he was 16. He was a runaway. He was a little broken. In him, I saw a little bit of who I used to be. At least, I thought I did. So I took him under my wing. He was a natural. Taught him about all the lines a pap can’t cross. You know, ’cause I just… I just wanted him to stop making the same mistakes I did.

Chloe: Mm.

Nick: And then, two days ago, he calls me up, says he’s been in a really bad accident, and said that he totally understood everything I was saying now. But it was too late. You know, someone was dead.

Chloe: So you took the fall, hoping that Josh would get a chance at a new life.

Nick: Yeah. Nick Hofmeister finally tries to do something good with his life, and he gets played. You must really be enjoying this.

Chloe: I’m really not. Believe it or not, I forgive you. This isn’t about you, this isn’t about me. This is about Robbie Russell. You know, he was a kid who didn’t ask to be famous. He just wanted to live a normal life. Nick, if you don’t testify, Josh will do this again. He’ll do it again.

(phone ringing)

Chloe: Excuse me. Oh. Just a second.

(Leaves room and goes into the hallway)

Chloe: Hey, Dan, this better be important. I think Nick’s about to talk. (sighs) No, I’m not following Josh. Why? What do you mean he’s missing?

(Chloe goes back into the holding cell but Nick is gone, so she goes to see the desk officer)

Chloe: Desk Sergeant?

Officer: Yes, Detective?

Chloe: Where did Nick Hofmeister go? Did somebody get him?

Officer: Why, yes. It was that tall, handsome British fella. Oh, no. I did it, too, didn’t I? (sighs)

Lucifer: Oh, I respect what you do, dung beetle. Much as celebrities hate you, you know, they need you, keep you in the limelight. You’re a… a necessarily evil. Something I understand all too well. But the-the trouble is that you tried to change.

Nick: Yeah?

Lucifer: And you failed spectacularly at it. Because, well, sometimes we are what we are, and we should embrace that.

Nick: What are we doing back here exactly? And do you need me to…?

Lucifer: Maze! Did you bring me my gift?

Josh: (grunting) (muffled panting) I’ll kill you, you crazy bitch.

Lucifer: Just be polite to the lady. She isn’t your enemy tonight.

Nick: What is this?

Lucifer: Right, well, both of you have committed terrible acts worthy of punishment. However, you will not receive said punishment when you die. It’s my fault, really. Sorry. So I’m here to fix that. Right now. Oh. Amateurs. All right, very well, in terms you’ll understand. You both get a gun. Let’s see who shoots who first.

(Maze lays a gun on the ground in front of both Nick and Josh)

Josh: What’s to stop us from shooting you?

Lucifer: Well, despite the waste of bullets, let’s see. (Looking at Josh and gesturing towards Nick) He’s about to rat you out to the police. (Looking at Nick) And he tricked you into taking the fall for a murder he committed. (chuckles) Discuss.

Nick: You really did it, didn’t you? You killed people.

Josh: (Picks up a gun and points it at Nick) You lost your touch, Nick. All this talk about lines we can’t cross. Nowadays, the only way to be first is to realize that there is no line. And you were almost begging to take the fall. That one dramatic gesture. As if that would erase the fact that you’ve been a piece of crap for the last 30 years.

Nick: You can’t do this. I treated you like a son.

(Josh points, pulls the trigger, gun clicks, nothing happens)

Lucifer: (laughs) Oh, Maze, you fiend. Even I didn’t see that one coming.

Nick: You really would’ve killed me.

(Josh drops his gun and dives towards the gun in front of Nick. Nick gets to it first and points it at Josh)

Chloe: Nick… (car approaching) I made a mistake, okay? I realize that now. (car door opens) And I’m sorry.

Chloe: (Chloe gets out of car with her gun drawn and pointed at Nick) Stop! Don’t shoot him!

Lucifer: Detective, you’re interrupting my punishment.

Chloe: You, don’t talk. You’re lucky I figured out your insane, ironic punishment before anyone got killed. Nick, you tried to do some good, to help someone. Don’t throw it all away.

Lucifer: Nick, embrace who you really are. Stop fighting it. Come on.

Chloe: Don’t listen to him, Nick. You tried to change. Yeah. And look what happened. Yeah. You screwed up, but you know what? It’s okay.

Chloe: You tried to change. That’s what’s important.

Maze: Humans.

Lucifer: Fascinating, aren’t they? Do you know, perhaps they’re onto something.

Chloe: Nick… don’t.

(Lucifer puts his hands together, closes his eyes in prayer. Nick pulls the trigger just as Amenadiel shows up and slows time)

Amenadiel: I was surprised to hear from you, Lucifer.

Lucifer: Well, not as surprised as I was. But I wanted to tell you you were right. (Kicks Josh between his legs)

Amenadiel: Hmm. Is that a joke?

Lucifer: (chuckles) No, I wish it were. But, no, you were right, and I was wrong.

(Lucifer reaches up and takes the bullet that is moving in slow motion towards Josh)

Amenadiel: So you’ll return to Hell?

Lucifer: What? No! That is absurd. No, you’re right that I’ve changed in my time here, and that I have absolutely no control over it. And you know what? That feels positively thrilling.

Amenadiel: You asked me here to tell me that?

Lucifer: No, no, no, I thought I’d use you to remedy a situation that I’ve mishandled, and annoy you in the process. Kill two birds with one prayer sort of thing, hmm?

Amenadiel: Luci… you should’ve taken the offer.

Lucifer: Oh. (wings flapping. Maze and Lucifer watch Amenadiel fly away. Time starts up again) (Josh groans and grabs his crotch) (Nick gasps) (Lucifer is now standing behind Chloe)

Lucifer: (Whispers into Chloe’s ear from behind her) You’re looking for someone?

Chloe: (gasps) But… you were just over there. That’s… that’s impossible.

(A little while later, police are on the scene, indistinct police radio chatter. Chloe walks Josh to the back of the police car then walks over to Lucifer) (siren whoops)

Lucifer: (smiling) Yes?

Chloe: I saw Nick pull the trigger. I heard the gunshot, but Josh wasn’t shot. Did you put blanks in the guns? Like… Was this some staged thing to get a confession out of Josh?

Lucifer: That’s probably more plausible to you than my angelic brother slowing time while I pluck a bullet out of thin air, isn’t it?

Chloe: Even with all that, you were standing right in front of me. I blink, and you’re here.

Lucifer: Is there a question there, Detective?

Chloe: You… (sighs) You know exactly what I’m asking you.

Lucifer: And you know exactly what I’ll answer. You know, um… it’s quite fun, this police malarkey, isn’t it?

(Chloe and Trixie are on the couch. Chloe is showing Trixie a DVD copy of her movie, Hot Tub High School)

Trixie: Are we going to watch a movie, Mommy?

Chloe: No, babe, I just wanted to talk to you about something. So, before I was a cop, I was an actress. And I was in a movie. And… it was this movie. In the movie, I do some very silly things. Things that, uh, maybe some of your friends might tease you about. But it is what it is, and-and that’s not me anymore, okay?

Trixie: (whispers): I know.

Chloe: Hmm?

Trixie: I’ve seen this before, Mommy.

Chloe: You have? Where?

Trixie: I have the Internet.

Chloe: Oh, right.

Trixie: This isn’t even in HD.

Chloe: Mm. Hmm. Well, what’d you think?

Trixie: I thought it’s hilarious!

Chloe: You did?

Trixie: My favorite part is when you ate too much cake, and then you puked in that cute guy’s hair. (laughs)

Chloe: That part is really funny.

Trixie: Then you stop, and we think it’s all over.

Chloe: Yeah.

Trixie: But then… Blah! Blah!

Chloe: Oh. (laughs and puts a hand to where she was shot in the shoulder)

Trixie: Sorry, Mommy. Didn’t mean to hurt you.

Chloe: You didn’t hurt me, baby. I’m fine. It’s gonna get better soon.

Trixie: I hope the guy who hurt you got in lots of trouble.

Chloe: You know, I should go see him.

(Lucifer and Dr. Linda are on pull-out sofa wrapped in sheets)

Dr. Linda: So, the Devil did a good deed today.

Lucifer: (laughs): Oh. Hmm. There’s no need to call it that. (chuckles) I enjoyed every minute of it. (laughs)

Dr. Linda: You know what I mean.

Lucifer: Mm. You know, I’m so very used to being in control of everything. Not knowing what’s gonna come next is…

Dr. Linda: Can be scary.

Lucifer: No. No, I’m finding it quite exhilarating, actually.

Dr. Linda: Hmm. (chuckles)

Lucifer: I think you were right, by the way.

Dr. Linda: About what?

Lucifer: That it may be a “who” that’s changing me. But now that begs the question: what do I do with her?

Man: I have to warn you, he’s heavily medicated. I doubt he’ll be able to string two words together right now, much less have a conversation.

Chloe: Thanks.

(Jimmy is sitting on the bed, back to the glass wall and door)

Chloe: Hey, Jimmy. So this is where you ended up, huh? I was so wrapped up in recovery, I forgot to come visit. You know, from when you shot me. (sighs) I have to ask you something, Jimmy, about that day. What happened to you, Jimmy? What happened with Lucifer?

Jimmy: Lucifer?

Chloe: What happened when you shot at me?

Jimmy: Is he here?! Tell me he’s not here!

Chloe: No. No, Jimmy, he’s not here. He’s not here, Jimmy.

Jimmy: I know he’s here. I can’t get away. I can’t get away from him!

Chloe: Jimmy, you’re safe here. (Jimmy crying) You’re safe.

Jimmy: No, I’m not safe! None of us are!

Chloe: He’s just a man, Jimmy.

Jimmy: You don’t get it, do you? (Jimmy starts banging his head against the glass over and over, his head bleeding) He’s the Devil! He’s the Devil! He’s the Devil! He’s the Devil! He’s the Devil!