S1 Ep03: The Would-Be Prince of Darkness

18 May 2021 / 5 August 2021 by Victoria

(Lucifer from behind speaking into a worried-looking woman’s ear)

Lucifer: Go on. Go ahead, jump. You know you want to.

Woman: Hmm?

Lucifer: Trust me, it’s a warm welcome.

Woman: Won’t it hurt?

Lucifer: Oh, there’s only one way to find out.

(cheering, shouting from house party crowd below as woman cannonballs into pool)

Lucifer: Lovely.

Ali: You’re the man of the hour. Everyone’s here to see you. What’s the worst that can happen? Come on, have one drink with me.

Ty: I can’t, I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be a buzzkill, I’m just… I’m not in the mood to party, all right?

Lucifer: How can you decline this ravishing siren’s invitation to imbibe? (chuckles)

Ali: Well, if L.A.’s taught me anything, constant rejections do build character.

Lucifer: (To Ali) Sincerely doubt “constant rejection” is something you ever deal with. (chuckles) You could learn a thing or two from this guy. Oh. (chuckles) (Ali walks away)

Lucifer: (To Ty) Witty, charming and wise. Have you lost your mind?

Ty: Do I know you?

Lucifer: Lucifer. Morningstar.

Ty: Right, you’re the club owner guy who grants people favors. Yeah, I don’t need anything from you.

Lucifer: Oh, I beg to differ, Ty. I have been looking for you all night. And you are in desperate need of my help. Star quarterback, number-one draft pick, and yet, for some inexplicable reason, a virgin.

Ty: Look, man, I got all the haters I need online, all right?

Lucifer: No, no, no, no, no, I’m not criticizing. I’m fascinated. I mean, do you know how rare you are? A celebrity virgin in Los Angeles, and surrounded by temptation. I mean, you, Ty, are like a four-leaf clover and a unicorn made a baby. Without, uh, having s*x, of course. (wry chuckle)

Ty: Aw, thanks, I appreciate it. My agent wanted me to throw this party.

Lucifer: Oh.

Ty: Yeah, he wants me to loosen up.

Lucifer: He’s right. I’ve met your type before, so desperate to control their lives, they forget to enjoy it. So answer me this. If you were to ever, you know, let go, what is it you’d really want to do?

Ty: I, uh…

Lucifer: Yeah.

Ty: I… I want to skip my morning workout sometimes.

Lucifer: Boring.

Ty: Just chill on the couch and watch Master Chef.

Lucifer: This is the fantasy life of a postmenopausal housewife. Come on, Ty, there must be something deeper.

Ty: I, um… Yeah.

Ty: I want to get laid so damn bad.

Lucifer: (laughing) And there it is.

Ty: You got no idea how hard it is holding out for marriage, man.

Lucifer: Uncomfortably hard, I’m sure. (both chuckle)

Ty: Look, I was going to with my girl, but, uh, we broke up.

Lucifer: Oh…

Ty: I thought she was gonna be the mother of my children.

Lucifer: Well, she (motioning towards Ali) wants to be the mother of your children. Come on, Ty, it’s the fourth quarter, but you can still win this game. I mean, look at her, death and taxes are less of a sure thing.

Ty: No, I can’t.

Lucifer: But you desire her. Why fight it?

Ty: Because my mother taught me that…

Lucifer: Oh, no, don’t-don’t bring her into this that’s disgusting. Uh… it’s about you. What do you want?

Ty: Her.

Lucifer: Well, then “carpe diem,” my friend.

(Ty walks towards Ali)

Lucifer: Ah, hello again, my little cannonball. Sorry, I didn’t introduce myself earlier. Lucifer. Morningstar.

Cannonball Woman: Seriously?

Lucifer: Yes, yes. I’m the Devil, hope you’ll hold it against me.

Cannonball Woman: Lucifer Morningstar, the guy who owns Lux?

Lucifer: That’s me. (laughing)

Cannonball Woman: No, it’s not. I’ve seen him before. His beats are sick.

Lucifer: I very much beg your pardon. Beats?

Cannonball Woman: Yeah. He performed at a rap battle last week in the Valley.

Lucifer: Every single part of that sentence horrifies me.

Cannonball Woman: It is so gross that you’re pretending to be someone you’re not. (scoffs) Even your accent is fake. (weak coughing)

Lucifer: Me! (scoffs)

(Lucifer laying in bed with three partially dressed women. Ty comes in)

Ty: Lucifer. Wake up. Something really bad happened.

Lucifer: Well, I hope you enjoyed every minute of it.

Ty: No, no, no, you don’t understand. Look, I’m freaking out, okay? Can you just help me, please? I need that favor.

Lucifer: Right.

(gulls screeching)

Trixie: Mommy, did Daddy forget to pick me up?

Chloe: No, monkey, I’m sure he’s just stuck in traffic.

Trixie: Are you doing homework?

Chloe: Um, sort of.

Trixie: What’s the assignment?

Chloe: Uh, well, I saw Lucifer do some things I can’t explain.

Trixie: (excitedly) Is Lucifer a magician?

Chloe: That’s sort of what I’m trying to figure out.

Trixie: When Daddy gets here, maybe he can help.

Chloe: Mm.

Trixie: Sometimes Daddy helps me with my homework.

Chloe: I’m not sure if Daddy has the answers to these questions.

Trixie: Why don’t you just ask Lucifer?

Chloe: Because if he’s a magician, then he won’t reveal his secrets. So I have to find out on my own how Lucifer does… (cell phone rings, buzzes) these things that I can’t… explain. Oh, that can’t be him. (phone beeps on)

Chloe: Decker. Lucifer, how did you even get this number?

(Lucifer is walking Chloe through the house)

Lucifer: Excuse the mess, but it’s so good of you to come, Detective Decker.

Chloe: Thanks for being super-cryptic in a really unhelpful way.

Lucifer: (chuckles)

Chloe: What’s the emergency?

Lucifer: Well, it’s-it’s better to show than tell, really. I…

(They reach the pool where Chloe sees a half-clothed Ali floating face-down in the pool)

Coroner: Petechial grows hemorrhaging in the eyes. Contusions on the neck.

Chloe: Signs of strangulation.

Coroner: And one of the victim’s fake nails was ripped off.

Chloe: Signs of a struggle. We got a murder on our hands. Thanks. (leaves to go inside, shoots Lucifer a look)

Chloe: (To Ty) So what happened?

Ty: Um, well, I woke up early, ’cause my head hurt. I, uh… I had a hangover. I… I’ve never drank before, so…

Lucifer: That’s on me. Sorry.

Ty: Yeah, so I came down to get some water, and that’s-that’s when I saw her in the pool.

Chloe: Did you know her?

Ty: Not before last night. I talked to her for a little bit. Her name was, uh… Ali, maybe? I don’t know. I mean, I’m having a hard time remembering. You think she accidentally slipped, fell in the pool, and drowned?

Chloe: No, I think she was murdered.

Ty: Oh, my God, that’s… that’s terrible.

Chloe: So why didn’t you call the police right away?

Ty: Well, I told Lucifer. He said… he said that he would call the police.

Lucifer: And I did. Detective Decker’s a homicide detective. She’s been very helpful in the other murders that I’ve encountered.

Chloe: I am not your personal police concierge.

Lucifer: You are gonna find out who did this, aren’t you?

Chloe: (inhales) Of course I am, because that’s my job.

Lucifer: Right.

Chloe: Not because you want me to.

Lucifer: (scoffs) Right.

Chloe: First things last. Do you have any idea who had contact with her last night?

Ty: Um, no, uh, no, but they asked me to get the… the guest list. (quietly) Oh, geez.

Chloe: 250 guests. You know what that means.

Lucifer: Great party.

Chloe: 250 suspects.

Lucifer: (To CSI tech using UV light )Oh. Uh, I’d be careful with that thing in the guest bedroom. There’s a good chance you’ll go blind. Unspeakable acts. Yes, we got a little carried away. (chuckles)

Chloe: Stop interfering.

Lucifer: I’m helping. You forget that my expertise is finding the right people to punish, Detective. It’s what I do. Or, uh, did, at least.

Chloe: You want to do something? Then help account for everyone who was at the party.

Lucifer: Oh.

Chloe: Coroner puts the time of death between 1:00 and 3:00 a.m. Actually, is there someone who can vouch for your whereabouts at the time?

Lucifer: Several someones, in fact.

Chloe: Yes.

Lucifer: Get them to tell you every little detail just to make sure that I’m not lying.

Chloe: I’ll have someone else handle that.

Lucifer: So… a bonafide killer on the loose that needs to be punished. Time to punch in.

Chloe: (points to screen) There she is. Do you know anyone here?

Ty: No. Sorry. I mean, people just show up to these things.

Chloe: Did anyone look suspicious?

Lucifer: (scoffs) Where do we start, Detective? I mean, look at those big strong hands. Perfect for squeezing the life out of someone. Oh, ginger lad. Soulless bastards. Give even me the creeps. I…

Chloe: (Takes Lucifer by the arm and walks him out) You need to sit with the witnesses.

Lucifer: Haven’t I proven myself extremely useful at detectiving?

Chloe: Actually, no, I don’t need your help color-commentating. I need facts and hard evidence. So unless you can help me with either, stay. (Closes glass door with Lucifer outside)

Lucifer: But I don’t want to be stuck out here with these miscreants.

Chloe: These are your people.

Lucifer: (bangs on glass) Detective! (huffs) (woman retches in bushes) This won’t do at all

Dan: Hey. I heard all hands on deck. I came as quick as I could.

Chloe: Yeah, and on time.

Dan: Look, Chloe, I’m sorry about earlier, okay? I got held up at an arrest in Hollywood. I couldn’t get away.

Chloe: I get it, Dan. Save the apologies for Trixie. This is work, and right now, we have a victim with no fingerprints on file.

Dan: These all the unclaimed items from the party?

Chloe: Yeah, I checked everything. Unfortunately, no I.D. that matches our victim.

Dan: So, what are you thinking?

Chloe: Well, I’m thinking our victim wore a cute red dress. There’s no way she’d have that pink clutch. She was out to have fun, so that nixes anything big and bulky, like a tote. I don’t know. I’m looking for something small, a little sexy… classy. (picks up a shiny metallic clutch) Something like this.

Dan: Wait a minute, I-I thought you said all this stuff was searched already for I.D.

Chloe: I’m not looking for an I.D. I’m looking for a car. (pushes the button on car fob, car alarm chirps)

(Dan and Chloe looking at computer file on Ali)

Chloe: Ali Thornton, 23, from Boise, Idaho. Her info matches the registration we found in the glove box.

Chloe: Hmm. She was a long way from home. What were you doing here, Ali?

Dan: I’ll see what I can find on her.

Officer: Detectives, found something in the master bedroom.

CSI Officer: (picks up the fake nail from bed with tweezers) Found this here in the bed. And it matches the missing fingernail of the victim.

Dan: Isn’t this Ty’s bedroom?

Chloe: Yeah, looks like they did a lot more than talk.

(sounds of a woman moaning passionately nearby) (Lucifer moans with pleasure, as woman’s moans continue)

Chloe: (walks into the hall where Lucifer is looking at a phone owned by Ali) What the hell are you doing?

Lucifer: Well, since you banished me outside with the lepers, I decided to make myself useful.

Chloe: You call watching porn on your phone useful?

Lucifer: This isn’t my phone, Detective. I think it’s our recently departed’s.

Chloe: (looks at the video of Ty kissing Ali) Where did you get this?

Lucifer: Just heard a ringy-ding and followed the noise. Now, is delete the little rubbish bin?

Chloe: No. You can’t delete anything on this phone.

Lucifer: But it shows Ty and Ali having s*x. It’s very distracting.

Chloe: (quietly) Wait.

Lucifer: Ooh, you’ve reached the money shot?

Ty (on video): Are you taping this?

(Chloe looks at Ty speaking to an officer on another side of the room)

Ty: I don’t know. Over there, we had a drink. And I didn’t know the girl that well.

(Chloe walks towards Ty)

Lucifer: Where are you going? Detective!

Chloe: Hey! What’s going on?

Lucifer: Detective, you’re making a mistake.

Chloe: Stay out of this, Lucifer. Cuff him.

Ty: Wait, what?

Chloe: Ty Huntley, you’re under arrest for the murder of Ali Thornton.

Ty: This is ridiculous. Lucifer, this is all your fault. I wish I’d never met you.

Lucifer: (sighs) Trust me, Detective. I have been doing this a long time. I know evil. You’ve arrested the wrong man. The person responsible is still out there.

Chloe: How are you so sure?

Lucifer: What desire would Ty have to kill a girl giving him a wonderful time?

Chloe: Ty had a squeaky-clean image. He sleeps with a girl. Then he finds out she’s taping him. She’s gonna ruin everything. He gets angry and loses control.

Lucifer: You saw the video. The only thing that that video proves is that Ty had sex. He was horny, not murderous.

Chloe: Then why would he lie about it?

Lucifer: Blame the tequila.

Chloe: He had motive and opportunity.

Lucifer: Look, I just want to make sure that you’re punishing the right person.

Chloe: I will. That’s what I do.

Lucifer: Lovely, we want the same thing. And there’s something else on the phone that you should look into…

Chloe: No more porn. I’m good.

Lucifer: No, it’s not that. We should look into it…

Chloe: “We,” as in the LAPD, will look into it. You can go now.

(Lucifer leaves Ty’s house as Chloe starts looking at Ali’s phone)

(Lucifer sighs deeply as he comes downstairs towards the bar. Maze is on the phone.)

Lucifer: Line up some shots, Maze.

(Maze holds up a finger to quiet Lucifer as she continues on a phone call)

Lucifer: (grunts) Oh, hell, I may just take a bottle.

Maze: Thank you. That was the LAPD.

Lucifer: Ah, was Detective Decker calling to apologize? Unless it involves lingerie, I don’t accept.

Maze: Financial Investigations Unit.

Lucifer: Hmm?

Maze: Apparently, you destroyed the honeymoon suite at the Budget Hut in Tarzana last night.

Lucifer: I’d rather return to the fires of Hell than spend a night in Tarzana.

Maze: And then, someone with your name and credit card skipped out on a $2,000 tab… at Zany Wings. (laughs)

Lucifer: Do I look like I’d eat a Zany Wing? Someone is clearly masquerading as me! Rap battles and hot wings? You need to find this cheap knockoff and make him suffer… do you understand?

Maze: Why? You said it yourself… humans are fascinating, right?

Lucifer: (scoffs)

Maze: I can’t wait to see what this one does next. (gets up from bar and leaves) Zany Wings. (laughs)

(Lucifer angrily paces)

Lucifer: It’s not right! I mean, Budget Huts and Zany Wings?! I mean, this malfeasant reprobate is diluting the Lucifer brand! Finally, I get my father’s beef with graven images.

Dr. Linda: Sounds like this guy’s really gotten under your skin.

Lucifer: Typical in a town full of charlatans. Eh, this is a place built on lies where nothing is authentic or genuine. You don’t even have to be famous to get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame? You can just buy one!

Dr. Linda: Are we still talking about the impostor?

Lucifer: Yes. I’m gonna tear him limb from limb.

Dr. Linda: Uh… is it possible you might be overreacting a bit?

Lucifer: No! How would you feel if some off-the-rack impostor was dragging your name through the trenches of Encino?

Dr. Linda: Well, someone stole my identity a few years back. And after a few long calls to the IRS and the bank, everything was fine. No big deal.

Lucifer: “No big deal.” (laughs) That’s because you’re you. I’m me! And this is a-a travesty!

Dr. Linda: But your reaction, your anger toward this minor inconvenience, feels a little… disproportionate to the crime.

Lucifer: (scoffs) Wha…

Dr. Linda: There might be some displacement.

Lucifer: I’ll show you displacement when I displace his bollocks, and throw them on the floor and stamp on them one at a time!

Dr. Linda: Uh, um… Why don’t you tell me again about this case you were working on?

Lucifer: Well… nothing more to say. A girl was killed and Detective Decker is going after the wrong person.

Dr. Linda: And that doesn’t bother you?

Lucifer: Well, why should it? Well, because from everything you’ve told me, it sounds like Ty probably had nothing to do with this murder. That he got himself into… or someone helped him into… a bad situation. And that bothers you.

Lucifer: Yes.

Dr. Linda: Why?

Lucifer: (having a revelation) Because I punish the guilty. And Ty’s not guilty.

Chloe: (showing badge to front desk clerk) Detective Chloe Decker, LAPD. I’m here to see Ty Huntley’s agent, Joe Hanson.

Desk Clerk: I’m sorry, without an appointment…

(laughter nearby on stairway landing)

Lucifer: Let me get this right… your clients do all the work, yet you chaps make all the money? Really? And they call me the Devil! (laughter) If I ever return to Hell, you kids will be my first call. Especially you. Oh, one last thing before I go. Which of you is into killing attractive redheads? (coughs)

Chloe: Lucifer?

Lucifer: Detective!

Chloe: A word?

Lucifer: Oh? (walks down stairway with Chloe)

Chloe: What the hell do you think you’re doing?

Lucifer: Finding, then punishing Ali Thornton’s actual killer.

Chloe: How did you know to come to this agency?

Lucifer: I tried to tell you, Detective. On the dead girl’s phone. She called here…

Chloe: Here and traded calls with Ty’s agency a few hours before she was killed. I know, I checked her phone records.

Lucifer: And you’re welcome.

Chloe: I also able found out that the call was transferred to Ty’s agent, Joe Hanson.

Lucifer: Right, so why did the dead girl even know Ty’s agent? I mean, she was Ty’s one-night stand. It hardly makes sense.

Chloe: Well, that’s what I’m here to find out. And that’s why you can go now.

Lucifer: (laughing)

Chloe: What’s so funny?

Lucifer: Well, the fact that you think I’m gonna go. It’s hilarious actually.

Chloe: Lucifer, I don’t need your help.

Lucifer: Look, I’m not trying to solve this for you. I’m ensuring that the right person is held responsible. Look, come on, I’ve been helpful before, haven’t I, Detective?

Chloe: You step out of line one time…

Lucifer: You can give me a right-good spanking, I promise. Come on, let’s go.

(Joe sitting behind his desk)

Joe: Ty wouldn’t do something like this. He’s such a good kid.

Chloe: I’m actually more curious about you, Mr. Hanson.

Joe: Me? (chuckles) Why? I didn’t even go to the party. I had to work.

Chloe: You spoke to the victim a few hours before she was killed.

Joe: Maybe it’s best if I don’t say anything without my attorney.

Lucifer: Joey! Joe, Joe. There’s no need for that. (doing his mojo) Why don’t you tell me what you really want, hmm? What desires drive a man such as yourself?

Joe: I want to be the greatest agent of all time.

Lucifer: Really?

Joe: And to do that, I need to protect my clients.

Lucifer: Come on.

Joe: And, uh…

Chloe: If you want to protect Ty, tell us what you know.

Joe: (chuckles) Let’s make a deal. I’ll tell you everything. You look into something.

Chloe: Here’s a deal. Tell us everything, and I don’t cuff you in front of your co-workers and take you in. I know how this goes. Ali’s a young actress looking for a break. An agent promises to help her out, in exchange, she’s treated them like a party favor to your star clients.

Joe: Okay, okay. I did call Ali. I hired her to have sex with Ty.

Lucifer: Wow, seems I wasn’t the only one who wanted the young virgin to loosen up.

Joe: No, I loved the virgin angle. It’s a clean hook, got him a lot of attention. But Ty was a mess. I needed him to get over his ex. (lays a large file folder full of paper on the desk)

Chloe: Why?

Lucifer: Geez. Popular boy, this Ty… isn’t he? So what, did this anger his ex or something?

Joe: No, it’s from his ex, Debra MaCall. She left this behind one of the many times she came here trying to find him. She used to call all the time trying to get a hold of him.

Chloe: So, he dated a crazy fan?

Joe: He didn’t know it at the beginning. So when I figured it out, he had already fallen for her.

Lucifer: Oh, suppose I can understand why. (chuckles)

Joe: See, after a while, Debra got possessive, controlling… she thought she was managing him. So I told Ty he needed to break up with her. He refused. I made Ty file a restraining order after she broke a girl’s nose just for buying him a mojito.

Lucifer: Quite a hair-trigger on this Debra, by the sounds of it.

Chloe: Hmm.

Joe: If Debra found out that Ty was with that poor girl…

(Chloe and Lucifer sit in her car)

Chloe: Hmm. Finally, some rain. Maybe someone up there is looking out for us.

Lucifer: I can assure you, He’s in no way meteorologically inclined. Apart from the whole Noah thing, and that was a one-off.

Chloe: Anyhow, her roommate confirmed that she took the 4:00 p.m. class, so… Ty’s ex should be out any second now.

Lucifer: I told you you had the wrong man. Wrong gender as well, apparently. Finally, we’re getting warmer.

Chloe: Why are you so hell-bent on proving Ty’s not the killer?

Lucifer: Like I’ve been saying, I want to punish the real killer.

Chloe: But why? Is it ’cause you pushed him towards Ali at the party?

Lucifer: Well, I don’t see what that has to do with anything. And I think you’re starting to agree with me. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be here, would you?

Debra: (leaving exercise studio with another woman) Bye! Bye!

Chloe: There she is.

Debra: (women conversing indistinctly in distance) That was great. I’ll call you at lunch. I’m over here.

Chloe: Debra MaCall? I’m Detective Decker, LAPD. We need to ask you a few questions about Ty Huntley.

Debra: I’ve got nothing to say.

Chloe: It’s either here or down at the station.

Debra: Leave me alone!

Chloe: Debra… (car explodes in flames, car alarm blaring, horn honking)

Lucifer: See? Warmer.

Officer: Found this on the undercarriage.

Chloe: Remote detonator. Whoever set off this bomb was nearby. Scour the security cameras in the area. Get facial I.D.’s on anyone in a hundred-block radius.

(Debra sitting in the back of an ambulance, Lucifer talking to her)

Lucifer: You couldn’t live with yourself for committing murder, so you set your car to explode, didn’t you?

Debra: Eh?

Lucifer: Wanted to go out in a blaze of glory.

Debra: Of course not! Murder? What are you talking about?

Lucifer: Oh, come on…

Chloe: The bomb was triggered remotely. Whoever set it off did it before you got to the car. There’s a clear line of sight. I don’t think the plan was to kill you. I think they wanted to scare you. So… you know of any reason why someone would want to do that?

Debra: No.

Lucifer: Yes, why did you run, Debra? Awfully guilty-looking.

Debra: I thought you were going to bust me for violating my restraining order. I went to Ty’s party last night. I-I just… I just looked. From outside, through the window. I couldn’t help it, I miss him.

Lucifer: Yes, breaking up’s so hard, isn’t it? You’re like two pathetic peas in a pod.

Debra: Okay, we are made for each other. As good as he is at football, that’s how good I am at being his girlfriend.

Chloe: You mean ex-girlfriend.

Debra: We never stay broken up. It’s just a phase. And no one looks out for him the way that I do. And then I saw him kissing that girl and I…

Lucifer: Squeezed the life out of her?

Debra: No!

Chloe: Where were you between 1:00 and 3:00 a.m. this morning?

Debra: The only place that always makes me feel better. (sobbing)

(Dan and Chloe looking at video of Debra inside ice cream shop)

Dan: How long does this go on?

Chloe: Three hours.

Dan: (wry laugh) That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever seen.

Chloe: Yep. All-night froyo shop puts Debra there well past the time of the victim’s death. Her alibi checks out.

Dan: So Debra didn’t strangle Ali.

Chloe: Well, whoever planted the bomb went to great lengths to make us think Debra did it.

Dan: Why?

Chloe: I don’t know.

Dan: We might actually know who rigged the car. Ronnie Hillman.

Chloe: The big Hollywood fixer? Yeah. A security cam caught her walking nearby, right after the explosion.

Chloe: This can’t be a coincidence. Someone must’ve hired her for this.

Dan: I’ve been trying to build a case on her for years, and every time we’ve approached her, she’s lawyered up immediately. Ronnie is a pro.

Chloe: So how do we approach her?

Dan: She’s picky about talking to strangers. Definitely no cops.

Chloe: What about someone she’d never expect us to work with?

(Chloe is helping Dan with a wire)

Lucifer: Do I get a code word? You know, for when you take her down. If so, might I suggest “monkey bottoms”? ‘Cause trust me, I can work that into any sentence quite naturally.

Dan: You sure this is a good idea?

Chloe: Lucifer reached out to her and she agreed to meet him, so it’s our best shot. (to Lucifer) And you won’t need a code word, and you won’t be miked, because she’ll be looking for that. This is a simple handoff. All we need you to do is vouch for Dan as someone that needs her services.

Lucifer: Vouch for Detective Douche? Oh, gosh, this is gonna be harder than I thought.

Dan: Once I engage with her, I will hire her to fix a problem of mine.

Lucifer: Right. Well, if it’s that stick up your ass, I’m afraid there’s no one strong enough to pull that out.

Dan: She goes there to fix my problem, our people will be waiting to arrest her.

Lucifer: Ah.

Chloe: And then we’ll have leverage to find out what she knows about Ali’s murder. She has information we need, so let’s just stick to the plan.

Lucifer: Assuming, of course, Ronnie hasn’t run off because our sting suddenly turned into a Michael Bublé concert.

Dan: Lucifer, this isn’t a game.

Lucifer: Oh.

Dan: Now, are you up for this or not?

Lucifer: Am I up for encouraging someone to commit a nefarious act? Mm, let me think. (to Chloe) Put me in, Coach.

(Lucifer walks through the bar past Dan who’s sitting at a table)

Lucifer: Try to look even more like a douche.

Dan: (speaking into wire) She’s here.

Chloe: Okay, great. Here we go.

(music playing over speakers)

Lucifer: Ronnie Hillman, problem-solver extraordinaire. (Ronnie leans in and starts putting her hands over Lucifer’s body)Oh… (laughs) Mm, you checking for a wire or are you just pleased to see me? (laughs)

Ronnie: Little bit of both.

Lucifer: Mmm! (chuckles)

Ronnie: Hello, Mr. Morningstar. Rest assured… I can help you with your problem.

Lucifer: Well, actually, I don’t need your help. I… Wait, what do you think my problem is?

Ronnie: Impostor running around ruining your name. Your professional reputation has taken a bit of a dive. As has your sexual one, I’m afraid. All those unsatisfied ladies… Word gets around. That is the reason you reached out to me, isn’t it?

Lucifer: (looking towards Dan then reconsidering) Yes. Yes, it very much is. I do have a problem that could use your help.

Ronnie: I am all yours.

Lucifer: Oh! Well, I like you, monkey bottoms. (chuckles) Here’s what I need you to do…

Chloe: (whispering): Lucifer, what are you doing?
(music playing over speakers) Hey, Dan, what’s going on?

Dan: I don’t know. They’re still talking. And now she’s leaving. (Ronnie leaves LUX)

(Chloe leaves penthouse as Dan gets up from his table to confront Lucifer)

Lucifer: (at the bar getting a drink from the bartender) Lovely.

Dan: What the hell did you do?

Lucifer: I hired the fixer to fix a problem like you wanted. You let her go. What happened to the plan?

Lucifer: I made a better one.

Chloe: How?

Lucifer: Just sit tight and we’ll all get what we want.

(Man wearing a black hood is tied to a chair)

Lucifer: Finally! (whimpers) The would-be Prince of Darkness.

Ronnie: Payment due upon delivery.

Lucifer: (wry laugh) I’d like to examine the goods first.

Ronnie: Your dime.

Lucifer: Right. Let’s see the face of my impostor.

Maze: (Maze laughs) The resemblance is uncanny.

Lucifer: It most certainly is not.

Maze: (giggling)

Lucifer: How could anyone think that you were me?

Justin: (false British accent): You know who you’re messing with? I’m Lucifer freaking Morningstar!

Lucifer: Oh… Are you now? Well… you’ve certainly been a busy bee, haven’t you, “Lucifer”? Eh? Apparently, you’ve started a modeling agency, pitched a Web series. And I hear you’ve also been very active with the women.

Justin: Ladies love me. What can I say?

Lucifer: It’s what they’ve been saying that’s the trouble. It seems you’re a bit of a two-pump chump. Also, a crier afterwards.

Justin: That happened one time.

Lucifer: Right. Well, we can’t have you running around cheapening the Lucifer brand, now, can we? What do you say, Maze? Impalement?

Maze: Hmm… Why rush? I say the rack.

Justin: Oh. Oh! Ooh.

Maze: That way, we can really enjoy it.

Lucifer: Better. Yes, much better. Every joint of every limb dislocated before it’s torn off.

Justin: No, no, no, no, no… look, look, look, I just… I just… I just wanted to get chicks and-and free drinks.

Lucifer: Um, really.

Justin: (dropping accent) My name is Justin. I’m from Sherman Oaks.

(Maze and Lucifer laughing)

Lucifer: Oh, Justin… the things I’m gonna do to you.

Justin: Oh, no, no, no, I-I’m sorry! I only came here one time and I just told some girls that I owned the place, and… and that opened some doors for me and so I just started rolling with it.

Lucifer: How dare you abscond my name!

Justin: Please, don’t hurt me. Please.

Lucifer: I’m not gonna hurt you, Justin, I’m going to destroy you.

Maze: Oh, this is so hot. It’s like you’re punishing yourself.

Lucifer: (Taken back by what Maze said) Seems I could be just, um, overreacting a bit. (To Justin) Go. Go on! And never sully my name again. (Justin runs out of LUX)

Maze: Let’s at least take a finger.

Lucifer: We’ve done enough, Maze.

Ronnie: (walks up to Lucifer) Pleasure doing business with you, Lucifer.

Lucifer: (hands Ronnie a stack of cash) Yes, it was, wasn’t it? Which is why I’m going to have to apologize for my friends.

Ronnie: What friends?

Chloe: (Chloe, Dan, and officers enter LUX) Ronnie Hillman, you’re under arrest for kidnapping and assault. (puts handcuffs on Ronnie)

Ronnie: Would you mind calling my lawyer? (handcuffs tightening) Her number’s in my back pocket.

Chloe: Yeah, sure thing. I’ll tell her about the kidnapping, the airtight evidence we have, the attempted murder on Debra MaCall, and then when we connect you to Ali Thornton’s murder, maybe you’ll get a nice injection of drugs, and you can go to sleep forever.

Ronnie: Hang on… I had nothing to do with Ali’s murder. Debra MaCall, Ty Huntley’s ex, she’s the murderer. I cared about Ali.

Chloe: Mm-hmm, here’s what I think. I think you tried to scare Debra into confessing to Ali’s murder, but Debra didn’t do it. She’s got an ironclad alibi.

Ronnie: This is my fault.

Chloe: Why?

Ronnie: I promised Ali I would protect her. All she ever wanted was to be an actress. She was gonna leave her mark. But you know how that goes. Endless rejection, she ran out of money. This was her first gig with me. She didn’t even know if she could do it. But I told her… I told her it was just like acting. Besides, who doesn’t want to sleep with Ty Huntley?

Chloe: I thought Ty’s agent hired Ali to sleep with him.

Ronnie: He hired me for a number three special: blackmail. Slip him a roofie, get naked, whip out a selfie stick, and voilá.

Lucifer: Why would he have any desire to blackmail his own star client, a client he’s all about protecting?

Chloe: Ty’s agent told you that Debra killed Ali.

Ronnie: He did, yeah.

(Chloe and Lucifer move to other side of LUX to talk privately)

Lucifer: You think Joe’s the killer, that he took things into his own hands, quite literally.

Chloe: We don’t have any proof.

Lucifer: Right, well, how do you propose that we get him?

Chloe: Joe pointed the finger right at Debra, painted her as crazy.

Lucifer: It’s not that hard a picture to paint, in her case.

Chloe: Why was he so certain she’d make a good suspect?

Lucifer: Maybe he found out she went to Ty’s party.

Chloe: Maybe he knew she went to Ty’s party.

(agents and Ty sit at the table as Joe makes a presentation to them)

Joe: You are looking at the future of football. The American Dream. Honest, resilient, heroic. The police tried to pin the death of that poor girl on you. But we kept it out of the press. We got you out of jail. We will always protect you… and make you a bigger star than ever. This is Ty Huntley… rebranded. (laughs)

Lucifer: Rebranded, eh? Does it come with a new scent? Free toy inside?

Joe: What do you want? Ty is free on bail.

Chloe: (takes Ty’s arm and starts walking him out of room) We have to talk to Ty down at the station again, maybe walk him past a few reporters.

Ty: Whoa, hold on, uh, Joe, what is this?

Joe: Oh, come on! This is ridiculous. Ty wouldn’t hurt anybody! What about Debra? I told you to look into her. She’s the crazy one.

Lucifer: Yes, well, I thought it was her all along. I mean, the woman certainly redefines “intensity.”

Chloe: But Debra was home with a friend the night of the murder.

Joe: What?! She’s lying. There’s no evidence placing her at the party. No one saw her. (to Ty) So are you ready to face the cameras?

Lucifer: His sponsors will love the free publicity. Tell me, what’s ten percent of nothing?

Joe: I saw Debra there. I went by the party. But a work call came up, and I never made it inside. I didn’t say anything before because I told my wife I was working late. When I was driving away, I saw Debra outside Ty’s window.

Chloe: So you admit you were there that night.

Joe: Yeah, and so was Debra.

Lucifer: That’s the proof you need, right?

Chloe: That’s the proof we need. We have a sworn statement from Ronnie Hillman saying that you hired the victim to make a sex tape with Ty to blackmail him. I just needed to place you at the scene.

Lucifer: Yeah, see, that’s why I don’t lie. It’s so hard to keep track of who knows what.

Joe: It’s not true. (to Ty) I only want what’s best for you, Ty.

Ty: You know, I still don’t understand. Why is it my own agent would want to blackmail me?

Chloe: Because he thought eventually you were gonna leave him.

Ty: What, because I took one meeting with another agency? Joe… I only did that to make Debra happy.

Lucifer: But even though you’d broken up, he knew you’d get back together, so he decided to strike first, get some leverage.

Joe: If he left me, I would be ruined. I mean, do you understand? He is my Brady, my Manning.

Lucifer: But Ali wasn’t cut out for this sort of thing, was she? She didn’t want to give you the video.

Joe: Stupid bitch. She said she realized Ty was a good guy. She didn’t want to go through with it.

Lucifer: Her name was Ali Thornton, and you killed her. For what? Greed? Ego?

Joe: I didn’t want to hurt her. I just wanted her phone. And… (Joe sighs) But I squeezed too hard. I’m done. Forget this. I’m out of here.

(Joe walks past Lucifer to leave the room. Lucifer reaches out, and with one arm, pushed Joe through the plate glass wall, shattering it)

Lucifer: (gasps) Did I squeeze too hard?

Chloe: How did you… ? What did… ? (rushes over in front of Lucifer and puts her hand on his chest) Lucifer, what are you doing?

Lucifer: Finally focusing my anger where it belongs.

Chloe: Lucifer… (chuckles)

Lucifer: Yes, of course. Your turn, Detective.

(Police sirens wailing, radio chatter, officers escort Joe out of building in handcuffs in front of Lucifer, Chloe, and Ty, and put him in back of police car)

Ty: I still can’t believe Joe did this. I wasn’t ever gonna leave him, you know that? Definitely gonna leave him now. But you know what, you, uh… you stayed good to your word, Lucifer. Thank you.

Lucifer: Yes, well, now you owe me one.

Debra: Ty! Ty! Ty! Oh, my baby. (Jumping into Ty’s arms)

Ty: Oh, my God, I’m so glad to see you.

Debra: Oh. You are?

Ty: Yes, you are crazy, baby. But you’re my crazy, you hear me?

Debra: Yeah?

Lucifer: Warms the cockles, doesn’t it? So, Detective, looks like you’ve solved another case because of me.

Chloe: I solved this case despite you.

Lucifer: What? What about the cell phone I found? That was key evidence.

Chloe: Evidence you almost destroyed.

Lucifer: I got you the leverage you needed to crack Ronnie.

Chloe: You co-opted a sting operation for your own gain.

Lucifer: And I solved another crime. Identity theft. (chuckles) Come on, admit it… we solved this one together. Or are you too egotistical to acknowledge my help?

Chloe: Okay, yeah, you didn’t completely destroy the case. So you can stop blaming yourself, great.

Lucifer: Whatever do you mean?

Chloe: The whole reason you tried to prove Ty’s innocence? Was to catch the true culprit. Yeah, sure.

(Dr. Linda wrapped in a sheet on the pullout sofa. Lucifer sitting on bed finishing getting dressed.)

Lucifer: So I decided not to punish myself.

Dr. Linda: Yourself?

Lucifer: Well, my fake self. The person I’d kidnapped. I decided not to beat him up. (sighs) You were right, I was, um…

Dr. Linda: (sighs loudly with satisfaction)

Lucifer: What’s the word?

Dr. Linda: Displacing?

Lucifer: Displacing my anger and frustration on Luci-phony, because the right person wasn’t being punished for Ali’s death.

Dr. Linda: And who was the right person?

Lucifer: Well, the sleazy agent, of course.

Dr. Linda: Ah, yeah. Of all the cities in the world, Lucifer, why did you decide to come to Los Angeles?

Lucifer: Well, the same reason as everyone else. Uh, the weather, porn stars, Mexican food… mm!

Dr. Linda: Mmm. You know, you say… you say people are phony here, but I think people come here to reinvent themselves. And I think that’s why you’re here. To reinvent yourself.

Lucifer: Why would I mess with perfection?

Dr. Linda: You like working with the detective, don’t you?

Chloe: I told you, I’m good at punishing people… nay, I’m the best at punishing bad people. I didn’t enjoy it when my father forced me to, but now that it’s on my own terms, it’s downright delightful.

Dr. Linda: Yeah, well, I think you don’t just enjoy punishing the bad guys. I think you’re starting to like seeking justice for the good ones. Like Ali.

Lucifer: (Lucifer scoffs) It’s another reason to hate L.A… all this self-indulgent therapy. You should be ashamed.

Dr. Linda: You’re doing it again.

Lucifer: What?

Dr. Linda: Displacing.

Lucifer: No, I’m not. (starts to close the door behind him as he leaves the room)

Dr. Linda: And that’s denial.

Lucifer: (stops and opens the door a bit) That’s a river in Africa. (Lucifer closes the door behind him and leaves)

Dr. Linda: (chuckles)

(Chloe sits in dark reviewing footage of Lucifer pushing Joe through glass wall)