S1 Ep05: Sweet Kicks

25 July 2021 / 5 August 2021 by Victoria

(Lucifer and Maze sit in the front row watching models walk the runway)

Lucifer: I very much approve of Benny’s avant-garde approach to clothing. The models don’t appear to be wearing any.

Maze: The Benny Choi brand isn’t about clothes. It’s the shoes. These guys kill for limited-edition kicks. Six G’s a pair.

Lucifer: Oh, even the Mistress of Excess is impressed. Go, Benny.

(Model with saber stops and moves it across Lucifer)

Lucifer: Oh, hello. Mmm, dangerous. Lucifer likes.

Maze: You were shot and you bled. No sharp objects until we find out why.

Lucifer: Oh, quite the opposite. The danger of getting hurt’s positively thrilling. Fun with mortality. Bring it. (Lucifer gets up and follows model behind the stage) Excuse me.

Maze: (to herself) Since when does the Devil care about mortality?

Lucifer: (walks past Benny towards backstage) Great show, Benny.

Emcee: Ladies and gentlemen, Benny Choi! (audience applauds) (whooping)

(Backstage behind clothes racks Lucifer and model make out)

Lucifer: Now, come on, gorgeous, you tell me your most dangerous desire.

Model: Cheeseburger.

Lucifer: Cheeseburger? Really?

(Out front Benny is on the runway taking a bow. gunshot)

Man: Benny, get down! (gunshot)

Model: What was that? (people screaming)

Lucifer: (pushes back clothes and sees people running) It’s a bit early for last call. Never mind. (Goes back to kissing model)

Maze: (quickly pushing hung clothes to the side) You need to leave. Now.

Lucifer: What’s the rush? It’s just getting exciting.

Maze: Humans are playing with their guns, and now they’re running for cover. No reason to find out if your bones will break too.

Lucifer: Well, what about my broken… heart?

Maze: Move! (leads Lucifer through the crowd)

(gunshot) (gunshot)

Man: Get down! Get down!

(clamoring, shrieking)

Man: Move, move! Y’all got to move!

Man 2: Come on! Let’s go!

(Maze and Lucifer stop in front of a dead woman laying on the ground)

Lucifer: People really do kill for Benny’s shoes.

Maze: We need to get out of here now.

Lucifer: Why? I just found my danger.

(distant sirens wailing)

(Chloe and Dan speak to dead woman’s mother)

Mrs. Cortez: (tearfully) She snuck out of the house. I thought she was asleep.

Chloe: Mrs. Cortez, I’ll find who caused your daughter’s death. I promise you. (sighs) (officer walks Mrs. Cortez to a chair)

Dan: You okay?

Chloe: Her only child was trampled to death, after some thug fired into a crowd. I’ve been better.

Dan: Gang Unit’s piggybacking Homicide till we can figure out who wanted Benny Choi dead.

Chloe: Is he talking?

Dan: Clammed up as soon as we got to the crime scene. (sighing)

Chloe: Okay.

Dan: It could get bloody. You should probably stay as safe as possible on this one.

Chloe: Oh, yeah? Stick to the nice girly murders?

Dan: It just seems that every time I turn around, you’re in another shootout with your buddy Lucifer by your side.

Chloe: Not an issue. He was just, I don’t know, uh, some mystery that I wanted solved.

Dan: I could think of a few other choice names.

Chloe: Yeah, how about complete wack job? Don’t worry, Lucifer Morningstar is completely out of my life.

Dan: Right. (Dan points to behind Chloe. She turns to see Lucifer flirting with a female officer)

(handcuffs click) (officer laughing)

Officer: Get this one tighter.

Lucifer: Tighter? Yeah. Really, Officer?

Chloe: (to herself) And he’s sitting on my desk.

Lucifer: (to officer) Get out of that one.

Chloe: (to Lucifer) Please tell me I’m hallucinating.

Lucifer: Well, I am dreamy, but try to contain yourself.

Chloe: What are you doing here?

Lucifer: I’m not actually here to see you. I’ve come to talk to your boss. About a shooting.

Chloe: Okay, I thought you had my back on this. If the department finds out what really happened, I could lose my badge.

Lucifer: What, you mean the fact that (raises his voice so everyone can hear) you shot me on purpose?

(scoffs) (Chloe laughs nervously)

Chloe: (whispering to Lucifer) I told you I was sorry about that. And I feel badly, I do. But it was a graze. I doubt it even left a scar.

Lucifer: (gasps) Didn’t it?

(Lieutenant Olivia stands in her doorway)

Olivia: Mr. Morningstar? I can see you now.

Lucifer: Splendid! Splendid. We’ve so much to discuss. (fake limping) Ooh.

(door closes, Lucifer sits across the desk from Olivia)

Olivia: So what can I do for you?

Lucifer: Well, Lieutenant, as you know, I was witness to that grizzly death at Benny’s. I mean, only a matter of time before those gentlemen start pointing fingers and the whole… the whole thing explodes.

Olivia: And?

Lucifer: I want in.

Olivia: In?

Lucifer: On the action. I got a taste of danger, and I want more. This case is the perfect method for me to explore my mortality in an exciting and dangerous way. And… help find out who’s responsible for that poor girl’s death, of course.

Olivia: I realize you’ve been very helpful to Detective Decker on her last couple of cases, but… exploring mortality is not really what I do here.

Lucifer: No?

Olivia: Uh-uh.

Lucifer: It’s funny, ’cause you’re an ambitious one, aren’t you? I can tell. Brimming with desire.

Olivia: (leaning forward) If I’m gonna be the first female chief of police, I need a big close.

Lucifer: Of course you do. Of course, you do. And how do you plan on achieving this grand goal?

Olivia: I will never be appointed without the support of the minority communities.

Lucifer: Right, yes. Well, I tell you what. If you allow me to assist on this case, and… possibly others, I’ll deliver you all the support you need, eh? Just consider it a favor. From a friend.

(Olivia and Lucifer leave her office and approach Chloe)

Lucifer: After you.

Olivia: Thank you so much.

Chloe: Olivia, I can explain.

Olivia: Oh, you better explain why you have been keeping such a valuable resource all to yourself.

Chloe: Excuse me?

Olivia: We have someone who can make Benny Choi talk.

Lucifer: Someone with charm, likability…

Olivia: And has real ties to the community.

Chloe: (under her breath) Here it comes.

Olivia: Lucifer Morningstar has volunteered to act as liaison in the Paola Cortez case. You’re welcome, Decker.

(Olivia walks away. Lucifer is back flirting with the female officer and holding her gun)

Lucifer: Steady on. (imitates gunshot)

Chloe: That wack job’s gonna totally get me killed.

(Lucifer and Chloe walking out of squad room)

Chloe: What could you have possibly said to con your way onto another case?

Lucifer: Well, I simply offered the lieutenant a favor. She gets what she wants, and I get what I want… a nice juicy gang war.

Chloe: You mean you offered to help prevent a gang war, right?

Lucifer: Tomato, tom-ah-to. But, see, that’s why we make such great partners. The “he said, she said” of it all. The yin-yang, the fireworks.

Chloe: Partners? More like a glorified ride-along.

Lucifer: Just think, you and me, close proximity at all times.

Chloe: Yeah, in L.A., we call that “stalking.”

Lucifer: It’s wonderful, isn’t it? Uh, when do I get my own gun?

Chloe: I wouldn’t trust you with my kid’s lightsaber.

Lucifer: And when do I get…

Chloe: I’ll never let you drive. If I’m gonna be forced to work with you again, I call the shots.

Lucifer: You most certainly do. Right in the leg. (chuckles)

Chloe: I only shot you because you told me to. In a moment of weakness, I somehow fell for your hocus-pocus and believed that you actually might be the Devil.

Lucifer: I am the Devil. Historically invincible, until now, and that’s what makes this case so exciting… real danger. It’s the perfect opportunity to see what other mortal qualities I have.

(They enter the elevator)

Chloe: (sighs) Okay, I get it… you want to feel new things.

Lucifer: Exactly.

Chloe: How’s that? (slaps him)

Lucifer: Bloody hell! That hurt! Do it again.

(elevator bell dings, Lucifer chuckles, doors close)

Lucifer: So where to, eh? Stakeout, ambush? You know, I’m quite skilled at restraints.

Chloe: No, I’m taking you home.

Lucifer: Ooh, how did you know?

Chloe: That I’d last about ten minutes with you? I don’t know, call it a gut feeling.

Lucifer: Well, it’s a successful one. We’ll be right on time.

Chloe: Time? For what?

Benny: Lucifer, my man!

Lucifer: Benny! Nice to see you.

Chloe: So you’re friends with Benny Choi and his blinged-out pet pig. Of course, you are.

Lucifer: Mm-hmm.

Benny: His name is Pig Diddy. This is my assistant Hector.

Lucifer: (noticing Hector’s heart-shaped tattoo) Ooh. Someone love his mommy?

Hector: Ex-Marine, bitch.

Lucifer: Right. (To Chloe) Yes, Benny and I go back to the start of his very impressive career.

Chloe: Huh, let me guess, you did him a favor.

Benny: Lucifer helped me get my first show. He was a real inspiration. I try to reflect that in my art.

Chloe: Any idea who took a shot at you?

Benny: Nope.

Chloe: No recent threats, nothing?

Benny: Look, I’m no snitch. Even if I did know, I can’t talk. I’m an artist. I process tragedy through my work.

Chloe: Would you prefer to process tragedy back at the precinct? ‘Cause I have a holding cell that could really use an artist’s touch.

Lucifer: Yes, Benny, that favor you owe me, I’m calling in my IOU. (looking at Benny intently) Answer the detective’s questions.

Benny: Hector clashed with some punks in Latin Kings colors that night.

Hector: We were at capacity, they wanted in. They were making threats, they were upset.

Chloe: And you didn’t mention this at the crime scene because…?

Benny: My fans aren’t just buying shoes. They’re buying Benny Choi. Artist, activist, man of the people. You know, I wore colors back in the day. Asian Boyz. I was low level. You know, a punk. Got out before the cops even knew my name.

Chloe: Ah, protecting your rep. Wouldn’t want to risk that seven-figure endorsement deal, would we?

Benny: I didn’t talk because if a Latin King hears an ex-Asian Boy done dry-snitched him to the cops? Those thugs will retaliate on principal. I was trying to prevent more death.

Lucifer: Well, aren’t we the little saint?

Chloe: Latin Kings versus Asian Boyz. That really narrows it down. (to Hector) Did you get names?

(Benny motions for Hector to answer the question)

Hector: Diego, Dani, I don’t know. A couple, I think. Joined at the hip.

Lucifer: Mm-hmm.

Chloe: Diego and Dani. Right. (hands Benny her card) You need to call me if you remember anything else.

Benny: (looks at Lucifer who looks back seriously) Uh, yeah, I’ll call. But be careful. Them Latin Kings about to raise hell.

Lucifer: My “speciality.” (chuckles)

(Pig Ditty snorts)

(Chloe and Lucifer walk to her car)

Chloe: Did it ever occur to you to tell me that you’re tight with Benny? That you gave one of your favors to a former gang felon?

Lucifer: Well, I’ve been giving favors for thousands of years. Would you like a peek at my ledger?

Chloe: No, I’d like you to follow basic protocol.

Lucifer: And I’d love to continue the debate on our opposing views of police work, so how about we hit the cop bar, and get dangerous with some bottom shelf, huh?

Chloe: A girl’s dead and you want to go on a pub crawl.

Lucifer: Oh, liquid courage. I hear the Paddock Lounge is every new detective’s rite of passage.

Chloe: Forget it. We need to wait for an I.D. on those kids. 150,000 active gang members in L.A., it could take awhile.

Lucifer: Oh, you’re right. No time for a quick drink, then.

Chloe: We’re on duty.

Lucifer: You are the oldest young person I’ve ever met! And coming from an immortal, that’s saying something.

Chloe: Look, I’m not gonna drink at a bar where everyone hates me.

Lucifer: Did you ever consider they hate you for that very reason?

Chloe: Yeah, they hate me for several reasons.

Lucifer: Well, don’t let those Philistines inhibit your right to toast our first break in the case… come on! It’s the least you could do. (sighs) Besides, you know, I… need something to dull the pain. (rubs his leg coyly)

Chloe: Ugh! If I say yes, will you shut up about the leg?

Lucifer: No promises.

Man: Here comes that bitch Decker.

Man 2: Who’s the hell’s that guy? Want me to lose this guy?

(rock music playing in the background) (Lucifer and Chloe sit at bar)

Lucifer: (to man already sitting at the bar next to him) It’s Italian wool. Touch it. I know you want to. Go on. Yeah. (after a moment) That’ll do. (clears throat, turns to Chloe on his other side) Well, somebody’s not being crowned homecoming queen, are they?

Chloe: Yeah. Order. Please.

Lucifer: Right. (raises voice to bartender) Uh, two shots of your finest swill, please, love.

Bartender: You got it.

Chloe: (to bartender) I’ll have a water. (to Lucifer) So, about this whole favor thing. What… what is it? What are you, some kind of loan shark? Con man? Godfather with a twist?

Lucifer: But surely you’ve heard the expression…

Chloe: “Deal with the Devil”?

Lucifer: Mm!

Chloe: Come on, give me a break.

Lucifer: No, people come to me to ask for favors, and more often than not, I’m happy to oblige.

Chloe: What do you get?

Lucifer: Well, sometimes, I have something in mind, but, usually, like with Benny, it’s simply to be repaid at a later date. A devilish IOU, if you will.

Chloe: Who would take a deal like that?

Lucifer: They all do.

(Paolucci reaches between Chloe and Lucifer to grab a glass of beer from the bar)

Paolucci: (whispers) Palmetto Bitch. (walks away)

Lucifer: Ooh! Juicy! Do tell.

Chloe: (sighs heavily) That’s Anthony Paolucci. He’s partners with the guy who took a bullet in the Palmetto case… Malcolm Graham.

Lucifer: Ah, yes, the infamous Palmetto.

Chloe: Malcolm got shot meeting with some gangsters, and… Paolucci thinks he took the bullet like a hero; I think he was on the take.

Lucifer: Aha! So you’re a snitch. A nog. No wonder nobody likes you.

Chloe: Yeah, you’d think I was guilty of a crime.

Lucifer: Yeah, you know what they say, “Snitches end up in ditches.”

Chloe: Oh, thanks, man. I feel so much better.

Lucifer: Hm!

Chloe: No, I don’t know, I just… was following my gut, I guess.

Lucifer: Caught in the crosshairs of another man’s crime.

Chloe: I don’t need your sympathy, but thank you.

Lucifer: Fair enough. Still, no excuse for that man’s rudeness. (stands up)

Chloe: No, no, no, no… I can handle Paolucci. I don’t need you to stand up for me.

Lucifer: Understood.

(walks over to Paolucci standing with other men)

Lucifer: Excuse me.

Paolucci: Hello. What do you want?

Lucifer: Well, firstly, let me state that I’m in no way standing up for my associate, Detective Decker. But on behalf of myself, and only myself, I think you’re a complete sack of ass. (Lucifer punches Paolucci in the face, Paolucci grunts, men murmuring)

Chloe: (grabs Lucifer by the arm) Are you crazy? Let’s get out of here.

(Maze standing at counter)

Barista: And your name?

Maze: Mazikeen.

Barista: How do you spell that?

Maze: Surprise me.

Amenadiel: Interesting choice of venue. What, are you trying to throw me off-balance? Because I’m much more comfortable among humans than you might think.

Maze: So I see. This is my favorite place in the city.

Amenadiel: Really?

Maze: Look at them on their laptops, writing the next great screenplay, torturing themselves with dreams they know, deep down, they will never achieve. Reminds me of home.

Amenadiel: Get to the point.

Maze: I want to go back.

Amenadiel: Then give me something, Maze. Give me something that I can use against Lucifer, and I’ll make sure you’re both back where you belong.

Maze: That’s the problem. He doesn’t confide in me anymore. But… there is someone he does talk to… a doctor. And I bet she would love that ridiculous suit.

Amenadiel: And here I thought you were the loyal soldier.

Maze: I want what’s best for Lucifer. Same thing you want.

Amenadiel: Then tell me about this doctor… (barista put Maze’s beverage on the table, Amenadiel sees the name on the cup and turns it so Maze can see) “Mike.”

(distant siren wailing, Dr. Linda locks her door as she is leaving for the night) (wings whoosh, flap in distance)

Linda: Hello? Is anybody there? I know Krav Maga! (wings whoosh, flap) (palm fronds rustling) (gasps as she sees Amenadiel standing in front of elevator) (sighs anxiously)

Amenadiel: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.

Linda: How did you get in here?

Amenadiel: I have a key. Yeah, let me start over. Uh, I actually just moved into the office next door. I’m Dr. Canaan.

Linda: (laughing) Oh, okay. Hi. Uh, I’m Linda. Uh, Dr. Martin. (chuckles, they smile at each other)

(dance music playing, Maze stands beside piano at which Lucifer is sitting)

Lucifer: It’s fantastic, actually. The thrill of fighting humans has taken on a whole new spin, now that I might get hurt. Although, sadly, the only thing broken was that incontinent troll’s nose.

Maze: Your behavior is foolish.

Lucifer: Oh, come on! You used to love danger. Since when did Hell’s favorite torturer become my mother?

Maze: You’re changing. Becoming vulnerable. Maybe even… (whispers) mortal.

Lucifer: Mm!

Maze: If I’m not going to look out for you, who will? Hmm? Your pet cop?

Lucifer: That’s what partners are for.

Maze: She is not your partner.

Lucifer: Have you two been talking? (chuckles) You know, I actually don’t think it’s my mortality that you’re worried about. You’re just jealous that I’m exploring it with Detective Decker.

Maze: (sets bottle down) Jealous of a mortal woman?

Lucifer: Mm-hmm.

Maze: (scoffing laugh) I don’t think so. But if you insist on continuing this exploration, maybe next time, I won’t be around to save your ass.

Lucifer: Mm! Well, that is a shame. ‘Cause you and my backside used to get on very well. My front side, as well, actually.

Maze: Things change, Lucifer.

Lucifer: Yes, but you don’t, Maze. You exist to protect me. To know where I am and who I’m with at all times, whether you want to, or not.

(Maze scowls and walks away)

(Dan walks in and up to Lucifer)

Lucifer: Pretty sure your name’s not on the list.

Dan: It should be. Considering I’ve just spent the last couple of hours convincing Anthony Paolucci not to press charges.

Lucifer: (wry laugh) Well, what if I want to press charges?

Dan: For what?

Lucifer: Stupidity. A drunk, on-duty cop… surely that’s a no-no. But don’t worry, I’m feeling charitable. I’ll let it slide this time. (sultry purr) (Dan steps in close to Lucifer’s face) Is it my thanks you want or a kiss?

Dan: I don’t want your thanks. Because I don’t do favors for guys like you. I did this for Chloe.

Lucifer: Oh, stop raining on the poor woman’s parade. It’s about time she got some spark in her life.

Dan: Spark? How about real danger? Do you have any idea how easy a gang vendetta can spiral out of control?

Lucifer: Well, I’m trying my best to find out.

Dan: Yeah. That’s exactly why I’m here. Chloe is the mother of my child, you imbecile. You want to work this case? Take care of her.

Lucifer: (salutes mockingly) Sir, yes, sir.

(man rapping in Spanish) (Chloe parks car in front of a run-down house)

Chloe: Okay, Latin Kings turf. You need to have my back on this.

Lucifer: You can count on me, Detective.

Chloe: All right, Dani and Diego Ramirez. Married straight out of juvie; real hotheads.

Lucifer: Ooh! Do we get to kick in the door? As your self-sacrificing partner, I volunteer to go first.

Chloe: No, there’ll be no kicking in of anything, unless we have a warrant, or people are in immediate danger. You better start taking this case seriously. If this escalates to a gang war…

Lucifer: Yes, yes, it could spiral out of control… blood could run in the streets, fire could rain down. You sound just like your ex.

Chloe: What do you mean… you spoke to Dan?

Lucifer: Mm! He dropped by Lux. Kept rambling on about keeping you safe. Quite condescending, if you ask me.

Chloe: What is it with the men in my life?

Lucifer: I’m a man in your life? (Lucifer chuckles)

(Chloe gets out of the car, walks towards the house, alarm chirps twice)

Lucifer: (rattling door handle) Uh, Detective, you seem to have left on the central locking!

Chloe: Act like a child, get treated like a child.

Lucifer: Wha…? Isn’t it illegal to leave your child locked in a car?

(dogs barking in distance) (rock music playing inside)

Chloe: (pounds on the front door) Diego and Dani Ramirez, LAPD. Need to ask you a few questions. (rock continues playing) LAPD! Open up!

Dani (to Diego) Come on, baby. Let me make you feel better.

(Dani screams from inside. Chloe kicks down the door, draws her gun, and heads cautiously towards the bedroom where she finds Diego and Dani in bed and Lucifer sitting in a chair in the corner.)

Dani: Who the hell are you?!

Diego: What are you doing here?! What are you doing in my house, man?!

Chloe: How the hell did you get out of the car?

Lucifer: Child’s play, and good thing I did. There was immediate danger. He was about to leave this woman completely unsatisfied.

Diego: (tries to get off the bed, is pulled back by Dani) What the…?!

Chloe: (pointing gun at them) Hey! Hey! Down.

Dani: He’s your partner?

Chloe: Yeah, don’t get me started.

Dani: Cops harass us no matter what we do! And now they’re breaking into our house?! I should sue that pervert!

Chloe: You have my blessing. But first, let’s talk Benny Choi. (puts the gun away)

Lucifer: Yes, did you attempt to use him as target practice the other night?

Dani: That wasn’t us! No.

Chloe: Okay, well, witnesses said they heard you making threats at the door.

Diego: No, we-we just wanted in. We wanted a pair of Benny’s sweet kicks.

Lucifer: Enough to pay for them with Paola Cortez’s blood?

Dani: Paola was Diego’s cousin, okay? It’s wack what happened to her. Why do you think he’s so upset?

Diego: I promised I’d get her in the show. There wasn’t enough room for three, so… we gave her our spot. She wanted to be a designer.

Lucifer: Sorry, is that, is that flop sweat, or is that a tear? (Diego starts to cry) That’s… Oh… Oh, bloody hell. This is our bad guy? No wonder he can’t get it up.

Chloe: Look, uh… if you didn’t take a shot at Benny, then help us get justice for Paola. Tell us what you know, all right? (Dani nods at Diego to tell them)

Diego: If anyone had beef with Benny Choi, it’s Yellow Viper.

Lucifer: “Yellow Viper”? (laughs) Sounds like a venereal disease.

Dani: He got out of jail a few nights before Benny’s show. He was a big-deal graffiti artist, ran with Benny back in the day, then took the fall on some B&E. He got five and change, while Benny got rich and famous.

Lucifer: Well, it does sound like this Viper fellow has every reason to punish Benny.

Chloe: We need to present a unified front. Speculate later, not in front of them.

Lucifer: Got it. So, Viper’s beef killed your cousin then, eh? What? That wasn’t speculation. That was a statement of potential fact.

Diego: And if we ever run into him, he won’t have to worry about no cops.

Lucifer: So you’re just gonna sit around and wait for revenge? That’s rather lazy.

Chloe: Okay, this is the opposite of helping.

Lucifer: What? I was promised a gang war. Instead, I get a cry baby. This is boring.

Chloe: All right, though. Right now, we need to warn Benny that his buddy Viper’s back in town. (to Dani and Diego) My apologies for him.

Lucifer: Thanks ever so. (Chloe’s phone chiming) Ooh, let me guess. Anemic sext from Sir Douche?

Chloe: No, from Benny. Someone else is dead.

Lucifer: Ooh, less boring!

Lucifer: Benny?

Chloe: (looking around at the expensive loft) Some street artist.

Lucifer: (pointing to a pool of blood on the floor) Oh, dear. Crazy guess… That’s not paint. (leans down, touches blood with finger and put it in his mouth, smacks lips) Mm. Definitely blood, though. But curiously, not human.

(groans) (crying nearby) Benny?

Benny: Poor Diddy.

Chloe: This is the murder?

Benny: I’m sorry. I didn’t know who else to call. Ain’t no 911 for pets.

Lucifer: Bacon for dinner, I guess. And my deepest condolences, Benny.

Chloe: What happened?

Benny: Hector and I went to an opening. Came back to find… it’s Pig Diddy.

Lucifer: Were you aware that your old friend Yellow Viper was released from prison last week?

Benny: No, I had no idea he was out.

Chloe: No phone calls? No contact?

Benny: I sent him letters when he was inside San Quentin. Money for lawyers, too. But he sent the letters back all torn up. Didn’t take a dime. I always felt bad for how things turned out. How I got lucky. Viper went down. He was my best friend…

Lucifer: Well, with friends like that, I’d hide the knives.

Benny: Yeah, Viper must’ve snuck into my show. He fired those shots. Killing Pig Diddy was a message.

(Hector brings in a tray of lit candles and starts to place them around Pig Diddy)

Chloe: All right, we’ll get a squad car to watch your house tonight. Viper comes by, you’ll be safe.

Benny: Aw, y’all don’t know him like I do. He’s fierce. He won’t stop till it’s my blood on the floor.

Chloe: Thanks, Benny.

(Chloe and Lucifer turn and walk out)

Lucifer: You know, they really don’t make bad guys like they used to.

Chloe: We need to get word to Viper’s parole officer. Track him down before he can get to Benny.

Lucifer: Finally, some real action. I’m more than ready to face the danger of the notorious Yellow Viper.

Chloe: Yeah.

(Dr. Linda is putting away Lucifer’s file folder, looks up, and caught off-guard to see Ammenadiel standing there)

Linda: Oh! (laughs) Hello there, neighbor. Is everything okay?

Amenadiel: I was just wondering if you would care to grab a drink?

Dr. Linda: Oh?

Amenadiel: Yes. I actually need someone to confide in.

Dr. Linda: “Confide in”?

Amenadiel: About a patient; a troubling one.

Dr. Linda: Oh, oh. So, a-a doctor, a doctor-to-doctor thing.

Amenadiel: Exactly. And, hey, listen, if you have any patients you need to talk about…

Linda: You have no idea.

Amenadiel: Good, so it’s settled then. You share with me, I share with you. A fluid exchange.

Linda: Maybe one drink.

(Chloe and Lucifer walking through hallways)

Lucifer: I mean, seriously, a community center? This is where we’ll find the deadly Yellow Viper?

Chloe: According to his parole officer.

Lucifer: Oh, after five years behind bars, a brothel would be my go-to.

Chloe: You know, I’ve been thinking about that favor that you gave Benny. Did it also involve getting him off on the felony B&E charge that put Viper in prison instead?

Lucifer: Well, I may have pulled a few strings… why?

Chloe: Well, if Viper hadn’t have gone to prison, he wouldn’t have targeted Benny and shot up his show, which means Paola Cortez would still be alive.

Lucifer: Wait, you’re not seriously blaming me for that girl’s death?

Chloe: Just stating fact. Cause and effect; intended or not.

Lucifer: No, no. I-I can’t be held responsible for what happens after I give someone a favor. I mean, if there’s one thing the Devil knows, it’s that people need to take responsibility for their own bad behavior.

Chloe: Yes, people do need to take responsibility for their own bad behavior.

Lucifer: I just said that. Are you hearing impaired?

(Yellow Viper is spray painting on the wall surrounded by a group of youth)

Viper Remember… tagging means nothing if it doesn’t come from right here.

(Chloe and Lucifer stand back watching Viper and the teens)

Lucifer: Hmm. Yellow Viper, I presume. He’s teaching art to youngsters. I mean, this bad guy thing’s gonna be all the joke now. What next… cuddles and ice cream?

(Yellow Viper continues, low and indistinct, sees Chloe and Lucifer watching and walks over to them)

Viper Private class.

Chloe: I’m Detective Decker. This is… Never mind. I need to ask you a few questions about the shooting at Benny’s fashion show.

Viper You got a warrant? If not… beat it. I’m not talking to cops.

Lucifer: Ooh, do you have something to hide, Mr. Viper? Or do you go by Yellow?

Viper Oh, you think I’m gonna let you bust my balls in front of these kids? Arrest me or step off.

(Chloe raises hands to say there won’t be any trouble, Viper walks back to teens)

Lucifer: (to Chloe) Ooh, charming.

Teen: (to Viper) Is everything okay?

Chloe: Well, he’s right. He doesn’t have to talk to us.

Lucifer: He really seems to care about those kids. It’s odd for a criminal. Or anyone, really.

Chloe: You know, if you spent as much time appealing to suspects as you do annoying me, (cars approaching) things might go… go a lot faster.

(tires screeching) (hip-hop music throbbing from the sound system) (man rapping in Spanish) (Latin Kings members get out of cars. Dani and Deigo leading the way)

Dani: Our lucky day. Viper and the perv.

Lucifer: Bravo, crybaby. This is a bold move, isn’t it?

(Viper places himself between teens and gang members)

Chloe: Come on, turn around. If you walk away now, no one has to get arrested. No one has to get hurt…

Diego: Yeah, they do. Viper killed my cousin. I’m here to get justice!

Lucifer: As you should.

Chloe: (to Lucifer) Are you insane? Shut up.

Lucifer: What?

Chloe: (To Diego) Please, I promise we’re dealing with this.

Dani: You and your perv partner want to get caught in the crossfire, cop, be my guest. (gang members pull their guns, pint, guns cocking)

Gang Member: Smoke this piece!

Chloe: (quietly to Lucifer) Enough danger for you yet?

Lucifer: (looks around at Viper, teens, gang members, and realizes there is true danger here) Right.

(chatter from gang members)

Lucifer: (to Chloe) Hey, now if you’d just give that gun I’d asked for…

Chloe: Stop talking.

Lucifer: Okay.

Chloe: Diego? Diego, put down your weapon. Don’t listen to her (Dani). This isn’t what you want.

Dani: Taking down Viper is exactly what he wants. We’re doing it for Paola! Step off! (Lucifer steps towards them) (Dani yelling) I said step off!

Lucifer: You know, as the Master of Punishment, I completely understand your desire to make Viper pay for the tragic death of your cousin…

Chloe: Lucifer, you do remember that bullets hurt, right?

Lucifer: (looks at Chloe as if to say he’s got this) And furthermore, you do seem to have this danger thing down pat, don’t you? (Behind his back he points to indicate to Viper he should leave) I mean the Devil could learn a thing or two.

Dani: The Devil? The hell you talking about?

(Chloe sees what Lucifer is trying to do, turns her head towards Viper, and looks at him as if to say ‘leave’)

Lucifer: So, answer me this… So, you engage in turf wars, yet nobody actually owns any turf? (standing close to Dani and Diego keeping their attention on himself)

Diego: Get back, freak! All right, let’s finish this.

Lucifer: And-and those trousers. I mean, you wear them so low that, well, your ass is exposed to other naughty men, and we all know what kind of danger that can bring, don’t we? I mean, you can park your bike in there.

Dani: You making fun of his pants, yo?

Lucifer: Well, are we talking pants or trousers? Because it’s very confusing.

Dani: Where’d he go?

Lucifer: Oh, dear.

Diego: Don’t matter. I’ll kill you first. (switches clicking)

Man: Hey, what’s happening? (men clamoring) (grunting) Where’s Viper?

(parking lot lights go out. Chloe grabs Lucifer and throws him to the ground behind a car for safety.)

Chloe: You had your hero moment… stay down, or you’re gonna get shot!

Lucifer: Indeed!

Chloe: What’s that? What happened? (men grunting) What the hell is happening? (sharp crack, a man yells)

Lucifer: Maze is happening.

Chloe: Your bartender’s a ninja? Of course, she is.

Lucifer: Yeah.

Man: What’s that? (man shouts, grunts)

Lucifer: (narrating action) Shattered tibia. Ooh, ouch… orbital fracture. (man grunting) It was first perfected in the hellfires of Tyre. (cracking) Oh, the humerus crush! (laughs) (men groaning)

Lucifer: Love that Maze! (Diego yelling) (gun clatters away) (groans) (Maze and men moaning, grunting) (Chloe punches Dani in the face. Lucifer applauding) Oh, bravo, Detective. (chuckles)

Maze: (walks past Lucifer and Chloe) Ass saved. You’re welcome. His ass, not yours. (gangsters groaning)

(Police and Dan have arrived)

Officer: (clicking) Let’s go.

Dan: Care to tell me what happened?

Chloe: (sighs) You wouldn’t believe me if I did.

Dan: They found a gun in Viper’s bag.

Chloe: It’s a .38. Same caliber fired at Benny’s show.

Dan: Um… What? You should know something.

Chloe: Okay.

Dan: I talked to Lucifer about you the other day.

Chloe: Yeah, I heard.

Dan: I mean, not that it got me anywhere. If anyone can handle themselves around that wack job, it’s you. And, hey, it looks like, uh… you got the bad guy. (Dan walks away)

Chloe: (To herself as she watches Viper be arrested.) Yeah. Looks like.

(Lucifer walks up to Chloe who is leaning against her car)

Lucifer: What, no “thank you”? (Chloe does not respond.) I don’t know why you’re upset. I helped save kids. And we arrested our shooter. One might say I did you a favor.

Chloe: Hmm. Yeah, I think I just figured it out, why you do these favors.

Lucifer: Oh, really?

Chloe: Mm-hmm. It’s about power. It makes you feel superior. In control. You’re addicted to creating chaos and seeing where the chips fall, to hell with the consequences. It’s like you have some kind of god complex.

Lucifer: (Angrily) I most certainly do not.

Lucifer: You do a favor for one person, someone else suffers. When you gave Benny that favor, you damned Viper to prison. Twice. Whether he’s guilty or not.

(Yellow Viper, in the back seat, sighs deeply. Lucifer is watching Chloe who is deep in thought.)

Chloe: (To Lucifer) What? Stop staring.

Lucifer: You’re having another one of those “gut feelings,” aren’t you? Like you had on the Palmetto case.

Chloe: This has nothing to do with Palmetto.

Lucifer: Au contraire. I think it has everything to do with it.

Chloe: See? Addicted to creating chaos, talking out of your ass…

Lucifer: Like I said, you were trusting your instincts on that case, just like you’re trusting them now. I mean, why would a seasoned parolee bring a gun to a children’s art class? For all we know, Mr. Viper is innocent.

Viper: I am innocent, man!

Lucifer: See?

Chloe: What do you know? Our suspect has ears.

Lucifer: Let’s see if he has a conscience, as well, shall we? (Turns toward Viper in the backseat) Mr. Viper. Mr. Viper… Hello. (Viper looks at Lucifer) You’ve already wasted so much of your life. What do you desire to do with the rest of your time on Earth?

Viper: All I want to do is my art. I swear I didn’t shoot up Benny’s show. If I hated him so much, why would I bother to go after him and miss?

Lucifer: Oh. Yes, he’s got a point, actually. I mean, to pop off in a crowd like that and not hit anyone, he’d have to be the worst shot in the world.

Chloe: Or the best. (tires screeching as she turns the car around)

Lucifer: Steady on, Detective.

Benny: (to Lucifer) It’s my Pig Diddy piece. Collector in Dubai offered me 150 G’s for it. I want you to have it. As thanks for saving my life. Again. (exhales)

Lucifer: Yes, my favor really did pay off for you, didn’t it, Benny? You’re a huge star. (laughs) But if there’s one thing the Devil abhors, it’s a fake.

Benny: What are you talking about? I’m all about authenticity.

Lucifer: Sure. Except for the lying. You failed to inform me that in getting you off the B&E charge, suspicion would immediately fall on your best friend.

Benny: I had no control over that.

(Viper and Chloe enter from the rear of the studio)

Viper: Didn’t you?

Benny: Oh… Hey, it’s good to see you, man. I missed you, bro.

Viper: That why you never came to visit me in prison?

Benny: I wish I could’ve done more.

Lucifer: Framing him for shooting up your fashion show surely didn’t help.

Chloe: Viper was always the real talent. When you heard he was getting released, you tried to take down the competition before he could take down you. (Benny scoffs) Planned a simple frame job. Parole violation that would send Viper back to prison.

Lucifer: But when Paola Cortez died, you had to improvise, didn’t you?

Viper: You knew pointing the fingers at Latin Kings would eventually get back to me.

Benny: How the hell could I have staged that frame job? How could I have pointed a gun at myself?

Chloe: Because you didn’t pull the trigger.

Lucifer: So many bullets fired into that crowd. How did no one get hit? That takes precision.

Chloe: I saw your Marine tattoo when I met you, Hector. A heart in crosshairs. Sniper unit. Best marksmen in the world. Did you know firing a gun into a crowd is a felony? You’re responsible for Paola’s murder.

Lucifer: Unless, of course, you were just doing someone a favor.

Benny: No, man. Hey…

Hector: Benny made me do it! I’ll testify, man. He told me he’d make me a partner. But then he made me plant the gun on Viper. And kill Pig Diddy. I loved that pig, man.

Lucifer: Oh… Well, the good news is that whilst all dogs go to Heaven, you’d be surprised how many pigs are waiting for you in Hell.

Chloe: Okay, let’s go.

Benny: You were never good as me, man. You were never good as me, man! (pushes Viper in the chest) Never!

Viper: What?

Lucifer: (Lucifer steps in, grabs Benny, and throws him through the back of the Pig Diddy painting) I don’t think so, Sonny G.

Benny: Not my… (groans)

Lucifer: Mm. I’m no expert on L.A. street art, but it’s funny… this piece seems a lot more authentic to me now. I think I’ll keep it. (Lucifer leans in and shows Benny his Devil face. Benny screams) (scream fades)

Female reporter: We’re here live at the location of the impromptu shrine for Paola Cortez, the young art school student killed at the fashion show for artist/designer Benny Choi, who has been arrested for the killing.

Olivia: (clears throat) Can we start, please? Excuse me.

Man: Yes, ma’am. Thank you. (sighing)

Olivia: (making a statement to TV camera) The mother… of Paola Cortez can rest a little easier tonight, knowing that her daughter’s killer is behind bars. The arrest of Benny Choi and several of the Latin Kings membership is a reminder that my LAPD means justice for all.

Lucifer: You know, I’d love to make that woman cry for real.

Chloe: She’s gonna be chief of police because of you.

Lucifer: Mm.

Chloe: (sighs) I don’t know how you do it.

Lucifer: I simply made good on a favor.

Chloe: Aren’t you the little saint?

Lucifer: Oh, no, no. This time, I called in my IOU. Olivia got what she wanted, and I got what I wanted.

Chloe: Oh, don’t say it. Come on, don’t say it.

Lucifer: I am now an official civilian consultant for the LAPD.

Chloe: Oh.

Lucifer: Not that there’s anything civil about the Devil. What fun would that be?

Chloe: Okay, then. You win. We’re partners.

Lucifer: What, you’re not going to protest?

Chloe: Actually, no. I may have no idea what your angle is, but… at least now I can keep my eye on you. Keep your enemies close, right?

Lucifer: Close? So does this mean you’re gonna take me home and consummate our new arrangement, then, Detective? (laughs)

(Chloe stops for a moment then looks coy and enticed)

Lucifer: Oh. I’ll take that as a yes.

(Chloe gets in her car’s driver’s seat and starts the engine. Lucifer walks around to the passenger-side door. Just as he reaches for the handle she locks the door on him.)

Lucifer: Seriously? What, you’re just gonna leave me here? In this part of town?

Chloe: You said you wanted danger. (She drives away.)

Lucifer: What…? Detective! Detective! I don’t even have a phone! Ah, well. That’s just marvelous, isn’t it? (sighs)

Lucifer: Humanity tested, homicide solved, gangbanger attire dissected… Although, that one I still have questions about. Anyway, cheers. To you, Maze, for saving my mortalized ass.

Maze: Cheers.

Lucifer: Yes, you may have a point about the dangers of becoming mortal. There are consequences. I need to be careful.

Maze: Yes, you do.

Lucifer: Yes, after all, I almost got our pet detective killed. (both laugh)

Lucifer: Oh, Mazie… I know that you’ll always protect me. No matter how mortal I become, the Devil can depend on that.

Maze: Yes, you can. Whatever the danger, I’ll be there to stop it. (chuckles) Whether you see it coming or not.

Lucifer: That’s my Maze.

(Chloe is falling asleep in a chair. Maze has snuck in the room and creeps up near Chloe. In a reflection, we can see Maze’s demon face. Chloe startles awake.)

Chloe: (nervously) Hello?