S1 Ep09: A Priest Walks Into A Bar

31 July 2021 / 5 August 2021 by Victoria

(A delivery boy with a stack of pizzas is riding the elevator up to the penthouse when the doors open revealing a lively party with loud music and people in different stages of undress. The delivery boy looks overwhelmed by activity.)

(“Eez-Eh” by Kasabian playing) (sighs) (elevator bell dings) (indistinct chatter, clamoring)

Lucifer: (See delivery boy standing in the elevator.) Yeah, fantastic! You’re here.

Lucifer: Ah, starving! Can’t think why! (laughs and takes pizza boxes, hands them to someone else.) Okay. Thank you. Uh, this should, uh, well, this should just about cover it. (laughs and hands him a large folded stack of bills.) Have a nice evening.

(Elevator doors begin to close then on second thought Lucifer stops them from closing.)

Lucifer: Oh, curious. In your line of work, how many times has it happened to you? (Boy looks confused.) You know, like in those wonderful Internet videos? Your deliveries ending in s*x.

Delivery guy: Uh… never.

Lucifer: Well, that changes tonight. Come! Come on! Come, come! Come.

Delivery guy: I’m still on the clock.

Lucifer: Oh, you’ll always be on the clock. But how often will you be here? Hey? Oh, Brittanies! Brittanies, Yeah! Pizza delivery guy. Pizza delivery guy, Brittanies.

Brittanies: Hi!

Lucifer: Well, go on. What are you waiting for? Have fun.

(Brittanies take the delivery guy to the Jacuzzi as he takes off his clothes.)

Brittanies: Come on! Lucifer! Come join us.

Lucifer: Be right there, darlings.

Brittany: All right.

(Lucifer suddenly looks sad.)

(Lucifer is uncustomarily laying on the couch.)

Lucifer: But I didn’t join them. Three Brittanies in the Jacuzzi. Three. Why didn’t I join them?

Dr. Linda: Why do you think you didn’t join them?

Lucifer: I don’t know, Doctor. (sits up) That’s what I pay you to figure out, isn’t it?

Dr. Linda: Have you ever considered that all of this excessive partying may be your attempt to fill a void?

Lucifer: (jokingly) “Attempt”? I filled five voids last night.

Dr. Linda: That’s not what I mean. A void in your emotional life. You sound… lonely.

Lucifer: “Lonely”? Have… have you been listening to a word I’ve said? I am never alone. I’m constantly surrounded by people. You know? I party whenever I desire. My bed never cold.

Dr. Linda: Lucifer, being alone and being lonely are two entirely different things.

Lucifer: Are they?

Dr. Linda: Yes! You may be surrounded by others, but do you truly consider any of those people your friend?

Lucifer: My friend?

Dr. Linda: A peer you respect. Someone you like to spend time with. Someone with whom you share a meaningful connection.

Lucifer: Well, you and I connect quite well.

Dr. Linda: I’m talking personal. What about Maze?

Lucifer: No. She and I are on the outs, I’m afraid. Long story filled with betrayal. You actually make a cameo in it.

Dr. Linda: How about Detective Decker? Do you consider her your friend?

Lucifer: (sighs) Well, quite honestly, I… I’m not sure what we are.

(Bar looks empty.)

Maze: (Running up to Lucifer.) Lucifer? Listen, can we tal…?

Lucifer: I don’t have time for traitors.

Maze: I get you don’t want to talk to me. But someone else is here to see you for a favor.

Lucifer: Not in the mood, Maze.

Maze: Trust me. You don’t want to miss this one.

(Lucifer is now intrigued and we see there is someone sitting in a boot with his back to us. Lucifer goes and speaks with him.)

Lucifer: You wanted to speak with me?

Father Frank: Lucifer Morningstar. (As he stands and turns we see he is wearing a priest’s collar.) Father Frank Lawrence.

Lucifer: (laughs) A priest walks into a bar. I’ve heard this one before. Never seen it, though. At least not here. Padre, how did you of all people find me?

Father Frank: Don’t let the collar fool you. I have friends from all walks of life. People who tell me you’re the man to see when you run out of options.

Lucifer: (Lucifer has taken an instant dislike for the priest.) Ooh, what kind of nasty trouble have you gotten yourself into then? Pinched too much from the collection basket?

Father Frank: I’m here about a neighborhood youth center.

Lucifer: Sounds dreadful.

Father Frank: It is… When you realize it’s being used as a front for an illegal drug operation. The center’s director, Lenny Arietta, is recruiting kids from my church to move his product.

Lucifer: Ah, so this is about young boys, of course it is.

Father Frank: One in particular. A kid named Connor. He’s had it rough. Lost both his parents at six. Bounced from home to home, some juvie. But deep down, a good kid.

Lucifer: So, diddling this one, are you?

Father Frank: (chuckles) How about I not dignify that with an answer, and instead ask my favor?

Lucifer: I was wondering when you’d get to it.

Father Frank: I want you to talk to Arietta before Connor gets involved.

Lucifer: And why not go to the police? Got something to hide, do you?

Father Frank: They were useless. Couldn’t find anything on Arietta.

Lucifer: Why not ask your boss then, hey? The Almighty Himself.

Father Frank: I already have.

Lucifer: Oh, no luck?

Father Frank: On the contrary, I believe he led me to you.

Lucifer: I highly doubt that. So that’s it, is it? Stop a drug ring to help some kid get out of trouble. What’s in it for you? (Comes in closer and does his mojo on the priest.) What is it you really want? That dirty dark desire I can see you struggling to hold in.

Father Frank: What I really want…

Lucifer: Yeah?

Father Frank: .. is to put my fist through Arietta’s face.

Lucifer: Ha! And there it is. Wrath. Ooh, not so high and mighty now, are you?

Father Frank: We all have demons inside.

Lucifer: My demon tends the bar. So come on, what else are you hiding? Hypocrites like you always have something.

Father Frank: You don’t know anything about me.

Lucifer: Oh, I know plenty. You and I are natural sworn enemies.

Father Frank: So, you gonna help me or not?

Lucifer: My answer to you, Father, is a big fat no. Handle it yourself.

(Lucifer and Chloe are walking quickly through the halls.)

Chloe: You’re lucky I don’t have any active cases, or else I’d send this to Narcotics.

Lucifer: “Narcotics”? No, no, no, no. I don’t give a damn about the drug dealer. We’re here to investigate the priest.

Chloe: Priest? I thought we were here to talk to the youth director.

Lucifer: We are. To get dirt on the priest. He must be hiding something. And what better to way to stick it to dear old Dad than prove that those who speak on His behalf aren’t as virtuous as they pretend to be.

Chloe: You thought it’d be a good idea to rope me into your imaginary family feud?

Lucifer: Great. Look, am I mistaken or do you catch bad guys? Now, this priest is up to something. Something nefarious… I can feel it.

Chloe: Last I checked, your feelings don’t count as probable cause.

(They arrive at the closed door of the Director, Mr. Arietta.)

Lucifer: Well, isn’t the fact that he came to me probable cause enough? Or I could just interrogate this youth director by myself.

Chloe: No, just let me do the talking. (knocks on door) Mr. Arietta?

Lucifer: Hmm. Well, if I were trapped in here with these vile children, I’d lock my door as well.

(Chloe peeks through the door glass to see signs of a fight and then someone laying on the floor behind the desk. Chloe takes a step back and with one blow from her leg, kicks the door in.)

Lucifer: (Impressed) Detective!

(Chloe checks the body for a pulse.)

Chloe: He’s dead.

Lucifer: Wow. Told you the priest was up to something. (chuckles)

(indistinct chatter)

Chloe: M.E. puts the time of Arietta’s death between 11:30 and 12:00 this morning. ‘Cause was multiple hits with a baseball bat. There are some abrasions on his face. So it looks like he struggled before he died. And I found this. (She is holding an electronic device with an evidence glove wrapped around it.)

Lucifer: Ooh, what’s that?

Lucifer: It’s a voice modulator. Hey, can you not do that?

Lucifer: (speaks through modulator his voice distorted) Detective, I am your father.

Chloe: It’s not a toy, Lucifer. It could be evidence.

Lucifer: Well, I’m impressed. Looks like the priest handled it himself after all.

Chloe: We don’t know the priest did this.

Lucifer: Well, maybe you don’t.

Officer: (Calls to Chloe from the hallway and has another man with him) Detective Decker?

Chloe: (to the officer in the hall) Hold on. (hands modulator to the officer next to her.) Oh, can you take that? Yeah. Thank you. (Goes out into the hall and addresses the other man.) Hey, you’re the head counselor, right?

Doyle: (He speaks sheepishly.) Uh, yeah. Um, Eric Doyle.

Chloe: Any idea who might’ve done this?

Doyle: No. I mean, everyone liked Lenny. He was a good boss.

Lucifer: So, he had no enemies whatsoever, no? Especially any who wear clerical collars?

Doyle: So you know about the priest.

Lucifer: Oh, yes.

Doyle: Yeah, that guy’s always coming around here and getting into arguments with Lenny.

Lucifer: Hmm.

Doyle: But he’s a priest.

Chloe: Right. Mr. Doyle, where were you between 11:30 and 12:00 this morning?

Doyle: Uh… here. In counseling sessions with, uh, Nikki and Connor.

Lucifer: Connor? Well, that’s the altar boy from the priest’s photo.

(Lucifer and Chloe are speaking with Connor and Nikki.)

Connor: So, is it, is it true Mr. Arietta’s dead?

Nikki: Well, duh, dumb-ass.

Chloe: It is. Yeah. Did you know him well?

Connor: A little, I guess. He, he, I mean, he ran the place.

Chloe: Do you know if Mr. Arietta was involved in any drug activity?

Nikki: (laughing) Drugs? I mean, I wish he was. That would’ve made him more interesting.

Lucifer: (chuckles) Okay. Enough about the dead guy. Tell me everything you know about Padre Pederast.

Connor: Who?

Lucifer: Father Frank. Did you see him do this? Do you think he’s capable?

Connor: Father Frank kill Mr. Arietta? Yes. No. No way.

Nikki: What do you mean “no way”? The guy’s a creeper and totally obsessed with you.

Connor: He’s just over-protective. Ever since my parents died, he feels like he’s got to watch out for me or something. But he’s a good guy. He’s just a little… just a little annoying.

Lucifer: See? Hmm? Annoying.

Chloe: Mm-hmm. When was the last time you saw him?

Connor: Uh, he… Here this morning.

Nikki: Yeah, preacher seemed pretty pissed.

Connor: Oh. Uh, wait, you don’t really think that, like, Father Frank did this, right?

Lucifer: 100%.

Chloe: Thank you. You’ve been very helpful.

(Lucifer and Chloe walk away.)

Lucifer: Right. See? Told you.

Chloe: No, I hate to admit it, but you might be on to something.

Lucifer: Sorry, what was that?

Chloe: You might be on to something.

(Chloe is sitting at her desk working on her computer with Lucifer looking over her shoulder.)

Lucifer: That’s him. Frank Lawrence. The most evil of people have the most normal names, I’ve experienced. Beware anyone named Keith.

Chloe: Well, his criminal record’s pretty extensive. Assault and battery, disorderly conduct, drug charges.

Lucifer: See? Not very priest-like.

Chloe: But nothing in the past ten years. Ah, restraining order filed by Lenny Arietta last week.

Lucifer: Ah, well, it’s funny how Padre Punchy failed to mention a restraining order. Please tell me now we have enough to bring this priest down.

Chloe: We have enough to bring him in. You ready to go to church?

Lucifer: Bringing down a priest is the only reason I ever would.

Chloe: In. Bring him in.

Lucifer: Yes, bring him in so we can bring him down. (chuckles)

(Chloe sees Dan across the Office for the first time since their kiss.)

Chloe: Hey, um, you go ahead. I’ll… I’ll meet you downstairs. (elevator bell dings) Just something I got to do first.

(Lucifer walks towards the elevator as Malcolm walks out and past Lucifer. They briefly acknowledge each other in passing. But Lucifer stops and looks back at Malcolm walking away as if he senses something from him. Could Lucifer sense that Malcolm has been to Hell and back?)

Chloe: (To Dan) Hey, so I’m in the middle of something, but I haven’t seen you all week. Are we gonna talk about what happened?

Dan: What?

Chloe: Our kiss, Dan. It’s kind of a big deal.

Dan: Right, I’m sorry, Chloe. I’ve had a lot on my mind.

Chloe: Yeah. You okay?

Dan: Yeah, I’m fine. But we should talk. About everything. Just not here.

Chloe: Okay, do you want to do dinner at my place, get takeout?

Dan: Yeah. Zhang Chow’s?

Chloe: (chuckles) Zhang Chow… I was just gonna say that. (chuckles) Yeah, all right.

Dan: Sounds good.

Chloe: Talk to you later.

Dan: Yeah.

(Chloe leaves to go meet up with Lucifer. As Dan also goes to leave he is confronted by Malcolm.)

Malcolm: (To Dan) Oh, how’s it going, buddy?

Dan: Malcolm, what are you doing here?

Malcolm: Oh, you didn’t hear the good news? Back on duty. (Takes a sniff of the donut he is holding and reacts like he just smelled something heavenly.)

Dan: So soon after, um…?

Malcolm: What, my partner’s suicide? (exhales) Yeah, can’t let that keep me down, am I right? But don’t worry. I already got a new partner. Yeah, convinced the higher-ups to give me my first choice. You. (Takes a bit of the donut) Oh, my God. Seriously, Dan, you got to try this.

Dan: What’s your game, Malcolm? Partners? Are you kidding me?

Malcolm: Oh, well, what better way to keep an eye on you, am I right? I saw you talking to Decker. You want to tell her, don’t you?

Dan: What, that I’m the one who shot you? Why would I do that?

Malcolm: Your conscience. I know you, Danny Boy. You forget, this ain’t the first time we’ve been partners.

Dan: I looked the other way a few times. That didn’t make us partners.

Malcolm: Sure, it did. Yeah, and it ate away at you until you finally had enough at Palmetto.

Dan: I didn’t have a choice.

Malcolm: No, I-I understand. No, I get it, I get it. No, you were just protecting that wife of yours. She saw me, I went for my gun. Boom. No, you took me out before I could take her out. No, no hard feelings. I understand. But… the minute you want to come clean, you and I… we both go to jail.

Dan: Hmm?

Malcolm: I mean, you… you really want to throw away your marriage? Watch little Trixie grow up from behind bars? Think this through, Dan. With you gone, uh, who’s gonna protect Chloe?

Dan: What do you want from me, Malcolm?

Malcolm: Nothing much. You’re gonna go into evidence and borrow something for me. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

music (“Voodoo Hack” by Strange Daddy playing)
Ghost town on a dirt track
I got a yellow moon and a voodoo hack…

(Lucifer bursts through doors in front of Chloe.)

Lucifer: (menacingly) Knock, knock. (chuckles)

Chloe: (Walking past Lucifer towards the front of the church.) Stay here while I look for Father Frank, and don’t get into any trouble.

Lucifer: It’s a church! What am I gonna do, pray too hard? (Lucifer sees an attractive woman going into the confessional. And says excitedly to himself…) Hello.

Woman: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It’s been three hours since my last confession.

Lucifer: (He is now sitting on the side where the priest usually sits.) Three hours? Speedy sinner, I like it.

Woman: No, I just need more guidance. I’m still having lustful thoughts about another man.

Lucifer: Splendid. Who’s the lucky fellow?

Woman: Um, my husband’s limo driver. What should I do, Father?

Lucifer: Well, my dear, uh, you should embrace your desires.

Woman: Really? Uh, when I was here earlier, Father Frank told me I should be faithful to my husband.

Lucifer: Well, I don’t know why you’re listening to that fool. I mean, let’s be honest, if you wanted to be faithful, then you wouldn’t be fantasizing about your limo driver, now, would you, eh?

Woman: You’re right.

Lucifer: No, no, no, no, no, don’t feel bad. You have those desires for a reason. You should act on them. I mean, you can always come back here, confess, and all will be forgiven. Isn’t that how this system of yours works? When you put it that way…
(The door on Lucifer’s side of the Confessional flies open and he sees Chloe standing there, annoyed.)

Chloe: Lucifer, what do you think you’re doing?

Lucifer: (sputters and says to the woman) For your penance, ten Bloody Marys and a good shag.

(Malcolm is looking around cautiously.)

Malcolm: I know you’re there. What, are you watching over me? Like my own guardian angel. (Chuckles as he sees Amenadiel walking unhappily towards him.) Yeah. Grumpy guardian angel.

Amenadiel: Forgotten about our deal, Malcolm? Because I brought you back from the dead for a single purpose.

Malcolm: Yeah, about that, I’ve… been meaning to ask. Why me?

Amenadiel: Why you?

Malcolm: Yeah. I mean, uh, I must be something special for you to go to all that trouble.

Amenadiel: Come on, don’t flatter yourself. You’re simply in a unique position to do what I need done.

Malcolm: ‘Cause I’m a cop. That, yeah.

Amenadiel: Yeah, and because I know you’ll do anything to avoid going back to Hell. Now, stop bothering me with these questions and just get to the task I’ve given you.

Malcolm: Don’t you worry your shiny little head. I’m already on it, all right? Everything’s going according to plan.

Amenadiel: (Leans in towards Malcolm.) Don’t keep me waiting. (chuckles) Patience is not one of my virtues. (Walks past Malcolm further into the parking structure.)

Malcolm: I promise you, I… (Woosh of wings, the air moves.) I got this. (Looks around and sees he is now alone.)

(Lucifer and Chloe walk up to Father Frank who is standing near the altar at the front of the church.)

Father Frank: (He has a bandage wrapped around his right hand.) Mr. Morningstar surprised to see you again.

Lucifer: Oh, I wouldn’t miss this for the world.

Chloe: Father Frank, when was the last time you saw Lenny Arietta?

Father Frank: This morning.

Chloe: Despite the restraining order.

Father Frank: I answer to a higher authority.

Lucifer: Not today you don’t.

Chloe: What happened when you saw him?

Father Frank: We exchanged words. Things got a little heated.

Chloe: What were you fighting about?

Lucifer: That altar boy of his, of course.

Chloe: Why were you fighting over Connor?

Father Frank: Because I’m worried that Arietta’s gonna pull Connor into his drug ring.

Lucifer: So, what, you give him a right hook?

Father Frank: Sadly, I did. And then what? And then I left.

Lucifer: Ooh, no, no, no, I think you skipped a part, didn’t you? You know, the part where you beat him to death with a baseball bat?

Father Frank: He’s dead? (Makes the sign of the cross.) Oh, Heavenly Father.

Lucifer: Oh, come on. How gullible do you think we are?

Father Frank: I had troubles with the man, but he didn’t deserve to die. And I certainly didn’t kill him.

Chloe: Can you account for your whereabouts between 11:30 and 12:00 this morning?

Father Frank: Uh, I was here. Taking confessions. Mrs. Madison had a lot to say, took up the whole hour.

Lucifer: By chance, does Mrs. Madison have a limo driver?

Father Frank: She does.

Lucifer: (Speaking low to Chloe.) Damn. Just spoke to his alibi.

Chloe: What?

Lucifer: The MILF in confession.

Chloe: Oh, great. Yeah, as much as I’m sure that followed protocol, I’m still gonna have to question her myself. Father, I’m gonna need you to come into the station for a statement.

(Chloe and Lucifer follow Father Frank outside and down the stairs.)

Lucifer: Well, maybe the padre has a twin brother who also takes confession; that way he could still be guilty.

Chloe: Lucifer, seriously, will you just…

(Tires screeching, a black SUV drives by.)

Chloe: (yelling) Get down!

(They all hit the ground as gunshots ring out. The SUV accelerates and heads away down the street. Chloe stands up and looks intently trying to see the license plate number.)

Lucifer: (Standing now next to Chloe.) And you wonder why I don’t go to church.

Chloe: (To police officer) I caught a partial from the shooter’s plate. Can you run this for me?

Officer: You got it.

Chloe: (To Officer) Thank you. (To Lucifer) So I spoke to Father Frank’s alibi. Checks out. He was in confession with Mrs. Madison from 11:00 to 12:00. He’s not our guy.

Lucifer: (sighs) Well, maybe she’s lying. I mean, you know the sort of people that go to church. Sinners. (chuckles)

Chloe: Lab results from the voice modulator came back empty. No prints, no DNA.

Lucifer: What, so you think this shooting and the youth director’s death are connected?

Chloe: We know they have at least one thing in common. (To Father Frank) Father, you will be relieved to know that no one was injured.

Father Frank: Oh, thank God.

Lucifer: Please don’t.

Chloe: You care to tell us what that was about?

Father Frank: The shooting? I don’t know.

Lucifer: (scoffs)

Chloe: This wasn’t a random attack. They were shooting at you. But you don’t seem surprised. What aren’t you telling us?

(Takes out his cell phone and play a voice mail with a modulated voice for them to hear)

Recorded Voice: Keep your nose out of our business or else.

Chloe: The voice modulator from Arietta’s office. You should have gone to the police with this.

Father Frank: I assumed it was Arietta, and I’m not afraid of him. But if it’s The Spider…

Chloe: Spider? I’ve heard whispers of another dealer trying to take over Arietta’s business. People call him “The Spider.” Scary, violent reputation.

Chloe: Do you know who this Spider is?

Father Frank: (shakes his head) I don’t.

Chloe: You’re holding something back, Father. I can tell.

Lucifer: Hmm? I have a confession to make.

Lucifer: Finally! Well, the truth will set you free… isn’t that what your beloved book says?

Father Frank: I lied when I said Connor was in danger of becoming involved. He already is. Dealing for Arietta.

Lucifer: What, that’s it? Oh, please don’t tell me that’s what you’ve been holding back all this time.

Chloe: Wait. If Connor’s already in deep, why go to all this trouble to protect him?

Father Frank: He’s had it rough. Thinks he can only rely on himself. He’s a good kid, Detective. There’s still hope for him.

Chloe: Father, you were today’s target. We need to worry about your safety first. Do you have a place to stay? We can offer police protection.

Father Frank: I’m fine right here. This… is my sanctuary.

Lucifer: Well, your sanctuary just got shot to high heaven, Padre. But if you’re looking to lay low, I believe I know just the place.

(Women dressed as nuns descend the staircase. At the bottom, they take off their robes to reveal red bikinis and bras and begin to dance seductively while still wearing the black veils. Lucifer and Father Frank are sitting in a booth in front of the dancers.)

Lucifer: (to Father Frank) Thought this might make you feel more at home, you know.

Father Frank: Sure you did.

Lucifer: (Sees Chloe arrive and sit down next to Lucifer.) Hey. (exhales)

Chloe: So, partial plates from the shooter’s SUV came back with a couple matches. But this is interesting, one of them was recently reported stolen outside the youth center.

Lucifer: Oh, you think someone inside’s responsible.

Chloe: I think it’s too much of a coincidence not to be, but I ordered traffic cam footage, so hopefully it’ll show us who was driving.

Lucifer: Hopefully.

Chloe: (now watching the dancers) Couldn’t resist, huh?

Lucifer: Well, the man deserves some fun.

Chloe: Or you still want to prove he’s a hypocrite.

Lucifer: Well, what can I say? Temptation’s in my nature.

Chloe: (looking at Father Frank) Hmm. And how’s that working out for you?

music Do ya thang, girl

Lucifer: (Looks to see Father Frank smiling and nodding his head to the music.) Padre, does this not bother you?

Father Frank: What can I say? I love this song.

(Lucifer looks taken back but impressed.)

music Do ya thang, girl

(A little while later, Chloe, Lucifer, and Father Frank sit down at the bar for drinks.)

Lucifer: (chuckles)

Chloe: You sure you’re gonna be okay in here, Father?

Father Frank: This? Oh, absolutely. I grew up in places like this.

Lucifer: Oh, I find that hard to believe.

Father Frank: No one’s born a priest. Before the cloth, I was just Frank Lawrence, touring musician.

Lucifer: Really?

Lucifer: Let me guess… cowbell.

Father Frank: Close. Piano. Good old rock and roll. Opened for Dylan, Bowie, the Stones…

Lucifer: The Rolling Stones?

Father Frank: Yep. It was a crazy time, let me tell you. I was a lot like you, really.

Lucifer: That’s literally impossible.

Father Frank: Thought the fun would never stop. (chuckles) Then, uh… (Father Frank suddenly looks ill-at-ease.)

Chloe: Father, you don’t have to…

Lucifer: No, no, no, no. Go on.

Father Frank: Car accident. Ten years ago. I was traveling with Connor and his family. Uh, Connor’s dad was a drummer, we used to play together. Another car swerved into our lane and, uh… Connor lost both his parents that night. My daughter was with us, too. She didn’t make it, either. Thought I’d seen some dark days. Nothing compared to losing my little girl. My heart just… cracked right open.

Lucifer: Well, you must have been awfully angry at your beloved God.

Father Frank: I was so… untethered. Lost. Turning to Him is what saved me.

Lucifer: So… hold on. God stole your spawn and then you decided to worship Him?

Father Frank: I can’t really explain it, but somehow it made me feel that she was safe. (laughs) That’s when I discovered my faith. The church gave me purpose. It was there that I crossed paths with Connor again. Me, a parent without a child; him, a child without a parent. We might not always understand it, but God has a plan.

Lucifer: Yes. I know. But why does everybody always think it’s a good plan?

(phone ringing)

Chloe: (clears throat) Please excuse me, Father. (She walks away to talk the call.)

Lucifer: So can we just go back to this absurd notion that you and I are in any way similar?

Father Frank: You’re right. We’re not.

Lucifer: Thank you.

Father Frank: I’m probably a much better piano player than you are.

(Lucifer is pouring a drink at the bar as Father Frank plays “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door” on the piano with a little jazz twist to it.)

Lucifer: (Chuckles. Sets his drink on top of the piano and sits down on the bench next to Father Frank.) D-Do you know anything that doesn’t make me want to, you know, impale myself? Like, uh… Something more upbeat. Something a bit, um… I mean, like, uh…

(bangs out “Mess Around” on the higher register keys)

Father Frank: Oh. I think I know what you mean. (Takes the bass line.) Something like that?

Lucifer: Yeah. Okay. (They start riffing together.) Father has got soul.

Father Frank: You ain’t seen nothing yet.

Lucifer: Oh. Yeah. You like to take the top?

Father Frank: Why not? Excuse me.

(both continue playing, laugh, as Father Frank slides over to take the high part. Lucifer stands up and quickly runs around the bench to take the low part without missing a beat.)

Lucifer: Yah! Hoo!

(Both of them notice Chloe has entered and is leaning against the bar watching them and smiling. They suddenly stop playing)

Lucifer: Oh. Hi. (clears throat)

Chloe: Hi.

Father Frank: (chuckles) Yeah, well, I suppose that wasn’t completely terrible.

Lucifer: Not completely. (laughs)

Chloe: Um, sorry to interrupt, but Father Frank’s story about The Spider checks out, and I got a lead.

Lucifer: O… So… kay. Right, well… (Lucifer gets up to leave and then says to Father Frank…) Well, you stay here. You need the practice. (laughs)

Chloe: I talked to Narcotics and one of their CI’s said The Spider’s rumored to hang out here.

Lucifer: Well, I don’t know why you had to bring me along.

Chloe: What, are you anxious to get back to your new friend?

Lucifer: (scoffs) Please. The Devil friends with a priest? That’s absurd.

Chloe: It’s absurdly adorable. You know, it’s okay to admit you like the guy.

Lucifer: He’s everything that I stand against, Detective.

Chloe: Yeah, well, sometimes we get along best with the people we’re most different from.

Lucifer: What?

(Chloe notices something down the hallway.)

Chloe: Hey. Look.

(They see Nikki from the Youth Center standing against a wall.)

Lucifer: Oh. Little Miss Sunshine from the youth center.

Chloe: Yeah, Nikki. What’s that she’s doing? Drug deal. And a smooth one. Maybe she’s The Spider.

Lucifer: Ooh, black widow, then. Lovely.

Chloe: Wait. She’s giving it to someone else.

Lucifer: To Connor.

(Chloe and Lucifer move towards Connor and Nikki. Connor sees them, pulls out a gun, and fires into the air.) (gunshot)

Chloe: Get down!

(gunshots) (screaming) (people panicking trying to get away and blocking Lucifer and Chloe from moving forward.)

Lucifer: Come on! Important police work, get on!

(They get through the crowd and make it out into the alley that Connor and Nikki ran into only to find it empty.)

Chloe: (sighs) Gone. Great.

Lucifer: And why was the black widow giving her cash to the altar boy?

Chloe: You never want to carry drugs and money on you at the same time. Makes you a target. (Her phone ring. She looks at it then shows it to Lucifer.) Or because Connor’s The Spider. Traffic cam footage.

Lucifer: Ah, from the church shooting. So the boy the priest was trying to protect is the one who tried to kill him? Well, isn’t that an ironic kick in the cassock?

(Father Frank stands looking at Chloe’s tablet of traffic footage.)

Father Frank: This doesn’t prove Connor’s The Spider. (Hands tablet back to her.)

Chloe: It’s pretty damning, Father. And it’s enough for the APB that just went out.

Father Frank: Ah.

Chloe: Connor’s been declared armed and dangerous.

Father Frank: Armed and dangerous? The boy needs to be helped, convinced to turn himself in.

Chloe: Father, he shot at you. He fired into a room full of kids.

Father Frank: Yes, but he shot up, didn’t he?

Chloe: We’ll do everything we can to bring him in peacefully.

(Lucifer comes over to them holding three shots of whisky. Offers one to Fathe Frank who shakes his head ‘no’.)

Father Frank: If you’ll excuse me, I… need some air.

(Father Frank moves towards the balcony.)

Chloe: Uh… I have some digging to do. (Walks towards the elevator.) Will you watch over him until I get back?

Lucifer: What? You want me to babysit the priest?

Chloe: I babysit you all the time.

Lucifer: (sighs) (exhales) (Puts two glasses on the counter, takes a sip from the third, then walks out to Father Frank on the balcony.)

Lucifer: (sighs) Need a light?

Father Frank: (chuckles dryly) No, thanks. Quit years ago. Still enjoy the ritual, though. Always keep one on me.

Lucifer: Please tell me you didn’t come out here to talk to Him.

Father Frank: God? This is as good a spot as any.

Lucifer: (laughs) Right. Does He, uh… does He ever talk back?

Father Frank: I don’t need to hear Him to… hear Him. If you know what I mean.

Lucifer: Well, yes, He never talks to me, either. Listen, um… sorry about the altar boy. Surely you know you’re not to blame. I mean, some people are just… beyond saving.

Father Frank: That’s where you’re wrong. There’s still hope for him.

Lucifer: He shot up your church, he’s most likely running a drug ring behind your back, and, oh, yes, killed a man.

Father Frank: I don’t believe that.

Lucifer: Look, what if it’s true?

Father Frank: Then he needs me even more.

Lucifer: How can you still have faith in this boy?

Father Frank: God has faith in him. In all of us. Even in our darkest moments.

Lucifer: Oh, you really believe that.

Father Frank: I do. Why don’t you?

Lucifer: Because He didn’t have faith in me.

Father Frank: I felt that way once, too. But now I know, deep in my heart, God has a plan for me.

Lucifer: Oh, His plan for me was quite clear.

Father Frank: How do you know it’s finished?

Lucifer: (chuckles)

(Father Frank’s phone rings.)

Father Frank: Mm. (huffs)

Lucifer: What?

Father Frank: One of my parishioners, uh, a lot of them are still upset about the shooting. Excuse me.

Lucifer: Yeah.

(Dan gets in the passengers’ seat and shuts the door.)

Dan: There. I got what you wanted from the evidence. Are we done?

Malcolm: Not by a long shot. Partner. (laughs)

(Chloe arrives and finds Lucifer there.)

Chloe: Hey. Did you leave Father Frank upstairs?

Lucifer: No, he took a call. I presumed he came down here.

Chloe: Why would he do that?

(Both looking concerned, they make their way over to where Maze is tending bar.)

Lucifer: Maze, the priest, have you seen him?

Maze: So you’re talking to me now?

Lucifer: Have you seen him?!

Maze: He was down here on his phone. Heard him talking to someone named Connor. He left to go meet him.

Chloe: He left? Where to?

(Maze just shoots her a look to say she has no idea where he went.)

Chloe: Maybe he’s trying to convince Connor to turn himself in.

Lucifer: No. He’s probably trying to hide the little miscreant. Put his faith in God, not the police.

Chloe: Why do you care about a priest?

Lucifer: I don’t.

Chloe: Where would he hide him?

Lucifer: Somewhere he considers safe, I assume. Sanctuary.

(Chloe and Lucifer arrive by the front door and quietly sneak into the room. Chloe has her gun drawn. They can see Father Frank and Connor in front of the room with Connor pointing a gun at Father Frank.)

Father Frank: (To Connor) You don’t want to do this. I know you. This isn’t you.

Connor: Sorry, I don’t have a choice, okay? I have to do this.

Father Frank: I get it. You don’t think you can rely on anyone else to survive… but you’re not alone. I’m here for you, whenever you need me.

Connor: I don’t need you! Okay? I don’t need anybody! (whispering)

Lucifer: (To Chloe) Go on, then, shoot the altar boy.

Chloe: Shh.

Lucifer: In the leg or something, obviously.

Doyle: Just do it, Connor. Pull the damn trigger already.

Chloe: (whispering) That’s Eric Doyle.

Lucifer: The counselor.

Chloe: That’s our Spider.

Doyle: You know, Nikki… I trust. But you? I think you’re too attached to this preacher. You’re gonna have to show me that you’re not.

Chloe: (To Lucifer) No shot from here.

Father Frank: I know you, Connor. That drive-by, you intentionally missed me, didn’t you?

Connor: Stop talking. Please.

Doyle: Make him stop talking. It’s really easy.

Father Frank: You couldn’t do it then, and you don’t want to do it now. God’s giving you a second chance right here.

Doyle: E-Enough with the sermon, preacher! Connor, just shoot this son of a bitch already.

Father Frank: Just follow your heart, son. I have faith in you.

Connor: (trembling breaths) I can’t do it, Doyle. I’m sorry. (he drops the gun)

Doyle: I’m sorry, too, kid. I can’t allow weakness, not when I’ve just taken control. (Doyle raises his gun and aims at Connor.)

Father Frank: (Father Frank steps in front of Connor) No!

(Doyle shoots and hits Father Frank instead of Connor. Father Frank falls to the ground. Chloe stands up and shoots Doyle who also drops to the ground.)

Lucifer: Father! (Lucifer runs to help Father Frank.)

(Father Frank and Doyle groaning)

Chloe: Hands up. Get down on the ground.

Lucifer: No, no, no, you idiot! (gasps) The bloody hell were you thinking? (Lucifer takes off his jacket and holds it to Father Franks’ wound, and cradles him in his arms.)

Chloe: (on the phone) This is Unit 831 at St. Morgan’s Church. We need two ambos, code 4.

Lucifer: Don’t go anywhere, you moron!

Father Frank: It’s okay. I’m not afraid of dying.

Lucifer: Well, you should be. It’s really boring where you’re headed.

Father Frank: I hope so. I’ve had enough excitement for one life.

Lucifer: Stop talking like that. You’ve got more to do here. You’ve got more people to annoy.

Chloe: (To Lucifer) Pressure on the wound.

Lucifer: I am! Just come on, Frank, stay with me, stay with me. (groans)

Father Frank: Oh, uh… at first… I didn’t understand why God put you in my path. But then it hit me. (chuckles) Maybe… He put me in yours.

Lucifer: I… highly doubt it. (groans) He gave up on me a long time ago. (panting)

Father Frank: You’re wrong, Lucifer. Remember… your father… has-has a plan.

Lucifer: My father?

Father Frank: Yeah.

Lucifer: You know? (thunder rumbling in distance) Frank? Frank! (whispers) Frank. (trembling breaths and Father Frank passes away.)

Lucifer: (Quiet growl. Concern turns to anger. Looks over to where Doyle is laying on the floor.) Time to pull the legs off The Spider. (Seething breaths. Lucifer with determination takes Doyle by the throat, lifts him up at arm’s length over him, and pushes Doyle up against the wall.)

Chloe: Lucifer… Lucifer, stop!

(Doyle choking)

Lucifer: Why did you do this?

Doyle: I don’t know, man.

Lucifer: (screaming) Why?!

Doyle: He was bringing too much heat!

Lucifer: (screaming) Why?! Why…?! (choking)

Chloe: (quietly, calmly she speaks to Lucifer) Lucifer, stop. Father Frank wouldn’t want this. (quiet choking) Stop.

Lucifer: (Realizes he has to stop, yells out in frustration, and lets Doyle drop to the floor.)

(Doyle panting) (Connor sobbing) (trembling breath) (Connor crying quietly, sniffling, goes over and kneels next to Father Frank’s body.)

(A little while later the police and ambulances have arrived.)
(indistinct radio chatter) (siren blares in distance)

(Lucifer stands smoking. Chloe comes up beside him and they both watch as Father Franks in a body bag is wheeled to an ambulance.)

Chloe: (sighs) Connor gave us everything. The drug front. How Doyle took on “The Spider” name and killed Arietta to take over the business. With Connor’s cooperation, he won’t do much juvie, if any at all. Maybe Father Frank was right. Maybe there’s hope for him yet. (exhales) You okay?

Lucifer: I’m fine. Good night, Detective.

(Lucifer is not okay. He just walks away across the street leaving Chloe standing there.)

(Lucifer walks out to have a cigarette. Sighs quietly. Lighter clicks open. He flicks lighter and continues flicking lighter but it doesn’t light. Lucifer angrily yells and throws the lighter off the balcony.)

Lucifer: (Looking up to the sky.) You… you cruel, manipulative b*st*rd! Was this all part of Your plan? It’s all just a game to You, isn’t it? Eh? Well, I know punishment, and he did not deserve that. He followed Your stupid rules and it still wasn’t good enough! So what does it take to please You? Break Your rules and you fall! Follow them and you still lose?! Doesn’t matter whether you’re a sinner! Doesn’t matter whether you’re a saint! Nobody can win, so what’s the point? What’s the bloody point? ♪

(Dan and Chloe sit on the sofa in the dark in front of a fire with open Chinese food boxes around them.)

Chloe: Dan, I know I wanted to talk, but, um… my mind, it’s just…

Dan: Somewhere else?

Chloe: Yeah.

Dan: Yeah, mine, too. (exhales)

Chloe: Can we do this another time?

Dan: Yeah. (laughs softly) No problem.

(Lucifer sits playing Father Frank’s version of “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door” on his piano. He is lost in the music and doesn’t notice Chloe come out of the elevator until she sits down beside him on the piano bench.)

Chloe: Hi.

Lucifer: Bit late for a new case, isn’t it?

Chloe: (laughs softly) I’m not here for a case. I’m here for you.

Lucifer: (seductively says…) Oh. Really?

Chloe: Yeah. Thought you could use a friend.

Lucifer: (exhales softly) (clears throat) Do you play?

Chloe: Mm. No. No, I don’t.

Lucifer: Come on, you must know something.

Chloe: No. Uh… (groans) (sighs) All right, well… let me see. I had three years of lessons… Mm. and this is all I remember. (plays the beginning to “Heart and Soul”)

Lucifer: (laughs) Surely, you must be joking.

Chloe: (Stops playing, smiles, and shakes her head ‘no.’ Then resumes playing “Heart and Soul.”)

Lucifer: All right. (Lucifer playing accompaniment.)

(Neon sign buzzing. Malcolm sits at the counter with a number of menu items spread out before him. He is happily eating and enjoying what he eats.)

Malcolm: Mm. (exhales) Ah… Mmm.

Amenadiel: Enjoying the life I gave you?

Malcolm: (exhales, chuckles) Hey… did food taste this good before I died? ‘Cause I don’t remember it being this friggin’ delicious.

Amenadiel: I don’t care what you’re doing with your new life, Malcolm… except for what I’ve asked of you. What’s taking so long?

Malcolm: Come on, come on, chill out, Amenadude. Here, have some waffles. (sniffs)

Amenadiel: (Serious and intently he leans in towards Malcolm.) Do you want to go back? Do you… want… to go back? Because I can make that happen. Yeah. You’re remembering it now, aren’t you? I bet your 30 seconds in Hell felt like 30 years. Imagine what eternity would feel like.

Malcolm: I’m sorry. Okay? Sorry. Look… I got it. (Shows Amenadiel a gun from his belt.) An untraceable gun. It won’t come back to me. I’m ready now. So… (clears throat softly) tell me… who do you want me to kill?

Amenadiel: His name… is Lucifer Morningstar.