S1 Ep11: St. Lucifer

6 August 2021 / 6 August 2021 by Victoria

(Chloe wakes up naked in Lucifer’s bed.)

Chloe: Oh, no. No. No. (sighs) Oh, God. Oh, God, what have I done?

Lucifer: (Lucifer clears throat) Don’t worry, my father’s the forgiving sort. Well, except when it comes to me. Triple espresso or hair of the dog?

Chloe: (groaning) No.

Lucifer: Oh, right. Well… Both.

Chloe: Please tell me, we didn’t…

Lucifer: (scoffs) Did we ever. And I’m pretty sure we made Rosemary’s baby. Oh, Detective, it was extraordinary. The heat, the gymnastics. (chuckles) I mean, you had moves that made even the Devil blush.

Chloe: Oh, no, this is bad.

Lucifer: (chuckles)

Chloe: Whatever happened last night, don’t tell me, I’d rather not know.

Lucifer: What, that we didn’t do the nasty?

Chloe: We didn’t?

Lucifer: Nope, (smacks his lips) I turned you down cold.

Chloe: You, the guy who’s been trying to get me into the sack since day one had a chance to sleep with me, (stammering) and you did…? Why-why am I naked?

Lucifer: What, you mean you don’t remember the part where you passed out, woke up again, shouted at me, “It’s too hot in this five-story hellhole,” I believe it was, then tore your clothes off and proceeded to hog the bed?

Chloe: I do that. Sometimes. When I’m upset. And you’d be upset, too, if your ex dumped you by text.

Lucifer: No, I’d be relieved if Dan dumped me. Even still, it’s very out of character to see you so unhinged. And out of character for me, too. The whole “not wanting to have s*x with you” thing. I mean, here’s the strange part. This gave me quite a rush. Can’t explain it. I’ve been thinking about it all night.

Chloe: Okay, last night was a fluke. For both of us. Never happened, leave it at that.

Lucifer: Right. You snore, by the way. Like an Albanian field wench! (elevator bell dings)

(Bar is empty. Maze is leaning against a booth looking at the paperwork. Lucifer bounces down the stairs and to the bar to pour himself a drink.)

Maze: Did you finally seal the deal with your little detective?

Lucifer: If we were on speaking terms, perhaps I’d fill you in.

Maze: Where are you going?

Lucifer: (scoffs) Why do you ask? You still reporting back to my brother?

Maze: Lucifer…

Lucifer: No, do me a favor, Maze. How about you let me lead my life, and I’ll let you lead yours, deal?

Maze: You can’t be mad at me forever.

Lucifer: (chuckles) Oh, but I can. It’s one of the luxuries of being the Devil.

(Lucifer approaches Chloe holding a pair of ladies’ panties.)

Lucifer: Detective, I believe you left these after our sleep-over last night. What’s the hole at the back for?

Chloe: (Embarrassed because of other officers within earshot.) Not mine. Those are not mine.

Lucifer: (chuckles) More of a commando girl. Fair enough. (Looks at the body on the floor) Dearie me. Someone woke up on the wrong side of a .38. (sighs)

Chloe: Yeah, single gunshot wound to the chest. No wallet. Tan marks where a ring and a watch were lifted.

Lucifer: A staircase robbery. Is that a thing now?

Chloe: This is the Dunlear Foundation. They help the homeless and the underprivileged.

Lucifer: So, who’s the dashing corpse?

Chloe: Tim Dunlear himself, head of the foundation, former NBA star, notorious playboy. He was into drugs, gambling, women.

Lucifer: My typical Wednesday.

Chloe: But then he left pro ball and he turned his life around. He dedicated himself to philanthropy. He was beloved.

Lucifer: Right, bad boy turned good. It’s interesting.

(Young man is being escorted down the stairs by an officer.)

Chloe: Are you Emmett Toussaint? You found the body? I’m Detective Decker. Can you tell us what happened?

Emmett: I volunteer for the foundation’s outreach program. Came here to meet him, and he was just lying here.

Chloe: How did you know Mr. Dunlear?

Emmett: He sponsored me to come to L.A. after the earthquake in Haiti. Tim was my mentor.

Lucifer: Handsome and saintly.

Chloe: Did you see anyone else at the scene or notice anything strange?

Emmett: There was a guy outside. He ran when he saw me. I gave the cops a description. Think he was homeless.

Lucifer: Did Mr. Dunlear ever speak of a certain philanthropic high after one of his selfless acts? You know, for example, say when he chose not to sleep with a drunken woman?

Emmett: What?

Lucifer: Did I say something wrong?

Chloe: (To Lucifer n a scolding tone) We are questioning a minor.

Chloe: I’m sorry about your mentor. We’ll call you if we have any more questions.

(Young man and office leave.)

Lucifer: What? I just feel quite connected to our victim.

Chloe: You are nothing like Tim Dunlear.

Lucifer: Bad boy with a heart of gold? I am everything like Tim. May as well be solving my own murder.

Chloe: Only you could turn a tragic death into an excuse to talk about you.

Lucifer: (scoffs) Well, who else would I talk about?

(Dan is sitting on the floor with his back against a pole as Malcolm secures him with plastic handcuff ties. Dan grunts)

Malcolm: Got these on sale. (handcuffs clicking) Extra strong, UV resistant, and still 30% off.

Dan: Do you really think you’re gonna get away with this?

Malcolm: Probably not. I’ll bet the SWAT team’s about to bust down the door any minute. Not like there’s much else going on in a city of four million people.

Dan: As much as I hate Lucifer, I’m not gonna let you kill him.

Malcolm: Oh, I’m not gonna do anything. No. Oh. But you know who would want him dead? Someone who’s jealous. Someone who hates the fact that he’s clearly got a thing for his ex-wife. Ooh. Someone whose fingerprints I put all over the murder weapon. Sound like anyone you know, Dan? (laughing as he heads up the stairs) Ooh. Don’t go anywhere. (door closes)

(Mrs. Dunlear stands behind a desk.)

Mrs. Dunlear: My husband was so generous. If they had just asked for help, he would have given them anything. What kind of person would do something like this?

Lucifer: Well, how much time do you have?

Kyle: Tim would be devastated to know we’ve got to cancel the fund-raising gala.

Mrs. Dunlear: You’re right, Kyle.

Lucifer: Well, we wouldn’t want to devastate our fallen hero. The show must go on.

Chloe: This is an active crime scene. We can’t have an event here.

Mrs. Dunlear: No, that wouldn’t be right.

Lucifer: Well, I just happen to own the preeminent party venue in Los Angeles. You can hold your benefit at my club.

Mrs. Dunlear: I don’t know.

Lucifer: No, no, your husband was a kindred spirit, and I pledge to carry on his good work and personally find… and punish… his killer.

Mrs. Dunlear: Tim always said, “Tragedy brings sorrow but also true good.” Aw. Thank you.

Lucifer: You are so welcome.

(Mrs. Dunlear and Kyle leave the room together.)

Chloe: If this was a robbery, our perp’s gonna want to cash in before the cops get wind of this, so I’ll call the local pawn shops… (Lucifer has been watching them leave then turns toward Chloe grinning happily.) What is with you today?

Lucifer: It was rather benevolent of me, offering up Lux, don’t you think?

Chloe: Well, one good deed doesn’t make you a saint.

Lucifer: Well, last I counted, it was two good deeds. But, uh, I’m not feeling the same rush as before. Perhaps I’m gonna have to up my game.

Chloe: Whatever you say, St. Lucifer.

Lucifer: Oh, “St. Lucifer.” (chuckles and looks upwards) Suits me, don’t you think?

THEME SONG

(Lucifer is happily pacing the floor)

Lucifer: It’s funny, I’ve always looked at do-gooders with pity. Little did I know their dirty secret.

Dr. Linda: And what’s that?

Lucifer: Feels good to do good.

Dr. Linda: Yes. Good deeds do bring an amount of personal satisfaction to those who engage in them.

Lucifer: No, but I mean it’s like a literal rush, a high. Have you ever mixed cocaine and Molly with Pop Rocks? It’s nothing like that. I’m just curious.

Dr. Linda: So you’re feeling good about not sleeping with Detective Decker.

Lucifer: Well, yes, and offering Lux to the Dunlear Foundation, not to mention vowing to find Tim’s killer. (Lucifer sits down on the sofa)

Dr. Linda: You’ve identified quite strongly with this man.

Lucifer: Yes. Yes, a man of honor, principle.

Dr. Linda: Hmm. You like the way being good makes you feel.

Lucifer: Mm.

Dr. Linda: But true good needs to come from a place of selflessness, authenticity.

Lucifer: Well, of course. I authentically want people to applaud the real me. The Devil gets a terrible rap.

Dr. Linda: So you care about image, how you look to others.

Lucifer: And you’re welcome. (chuckles)

Dr. Linda: Okay, my point is, it’s wonderful that you’re evolving.

Lucifer: Right.

Dr. Linda: But goodness isn’t a toy.

Lucifer: Well, the way I’m going to play with it, it is.

Dr. Linda: (sighs)

Lucifer: (chuckles)

(A homeless-looking man talks with Chloe and Lucifer)

Louie: I’m in between gigs. I’m no thief, I’m an actor, Louie DelGado. I had an arc on Party of Five, look me up.

Lucifer: I love L.A. Even the homeless have an IMDB page.

Chloe: You care to explain why you were caught pawning Tim Dunlear’s championship ring?

Lucifer: Listen, more importantly, why did you take it to a pawnshop? The Dark Web has much better margins.

Louie: I swear I didn’t do nothing.

Chloe: Witnesses put you at the scene. You’re telling me this wasn’t a robbery gone wrong?

Louie: He was already dead, been like that for a bit. Rigor mortis had set in. I also did a guest spot on CSI.

Lucifer: Ah.

Louie: Tim was my buddy, one of the few people who treated me like a human being.

Lucifer: Would your buddy have approved of you stealing valuables from his cold dead corpse?

Louie: Tim didn’t care about stuff. Would have wanted me to have that ring. Give you the shirt off his back.

Chloe: What about his wallet?

Louie: Uh, I was gonna return that.

Chloe: Some kind of key card.

Louie: I have an alibi. I was at a shelter on 7th.

Chloe: Uh-huh. (To Lucifer) Keep an eye on Louie. I’m gonna see if his story checks out.

Lucifer: (Watches Chloe walk to the front of the shop then turns and smiles at Louie) I also know what it’s like to be without a home. My father kicked me out. (Lucifer takes off his jacket) It’s very traumatic. But, much like Tim Dunlear, (begins unbuttoning his shirt) I’d like to do whatever it takes to help you, so, here, the shirt off my back. (Lucifer takes off his shirt)

Louie: Yeah.

Lucifer: (He holds up the label inside his shirt collar for Louie to see) And, uh, as you can see, the Devil does indeed wear Prada.

Louie: Wow, thanks, brother.

Lucifer: Yes, disastrous with those trousers, though. Oh, what the hell? (Unbuttons pants) As gratitude for telling us everything you know. (Takes off his pants)

Chloe: (She gets off the phone, turns to see Lucifer, and says to herself) And he’s naked.

Lucifer: Another act of selfless benevolence. It’s quite liberating, actually.

(Chloe rolls eyes)

Lucifer: (to Louie) Oh, don’t forget. Dry-clean only.

Chloe: (to a police officer) His story checks out. We need to get a full written statement. And get our guy some lunch, okay?

Louie: (to officer) No-no gluten or-or dairy, okay?

Lucifer: (to Chloe) Another good deed but still no rush like before. Am I doing this wrong?

Chloe: In so many ways.

Lucifer: Oh?

Chloe: You’re not getting in my car like that. (she walks away)

Lucifer: Meet you at mine?

(Lucifer, now fully dressed and adjusting his cuffs, walks down a hallway with Chloe.)

Lucifer: So, who do we suspect of this grisly murder? Maybe Mr. Dunlear wasn’t as saintly as he appeared. Who knows who or what he was involved with? He wasn’t always such a good man. It’s hard to shake your true nature.

Lucifer: Well, not really. Look at me.

Chloe: Oh, no, I saw plenty. Thank you.

Lucifer: Cheeky.

(They have arrived inside Mrs. Dunlear’s office)

Mrs. Dunlear: Oh, Lucifer, Detective. I wasn’t expecting you.

Chloe: Yes, we have a few more questions for you.

Lucifer: Yes, how are you holding up?

Mrs. Dunlear: Doing my best. One moment at a time.

Chloe: Mrs. Dunlear, can you think of any personal reason why someone would want to kill your husband?

Mrs. Dunlear: I thought this was a robbery.

Lucifer: No, turns out your husband was dead before our homeless thespian pilfered his valuables.

Chloe: Did Tim have any enemies? Anyone that would want to hurt him?

Mrs. Dunlear: No, absolutely not. Everybody loved Tim.

Mr. Fleming: (knocks and enters the room) Will Fleming… counsel for the foundation and the Dunlears.

Chloe: This won’t take long, Mr. Fleming.

Mr. Fleming: Well, you’re absolutely correct, because my client is done here.

Lucifer: Wha…? Oh. Actually, I’m just here to talk to Vanessa about the gala… is that, uh, is that all right? Are you up to that?

Mrs. Dunlear: Yes, of course.

Lucifer: Lovely. (Lucifer gives Chloe a looks as if to say he has her back. He goes over to the desk to speak with Mrs. Dunlear.) So I know it’s not a good time, Vanessa. But I want to discuss…

(On the other side of the room Chloe speaks with Mr. Fleming)

Mr. Fleming: My client is grieving. You have any questions, you talk to me.

Chloe: All right, can you establish Vanessa’s whereabouts at the time of Tim’s death?

Mr. Fleming: Are you accusing my client of murder?

Chloe: No, but one-quarter of murders are committed by family members.

Mr. Fleming: Yes, and half by acquaintances.

Chloe: Which gets to my next question. Where were you the night of Tim’s death?

Mr. Fleming: Listen, you can look at me all you want. But Tim came into contact with a lot of people around this place. Desperate people.

Chloe: Why do I get the feeling you have someone specific in mind?

(Chloe is questioning Emmett)

Chloe: Did you ever fight with Tim?

Emmett: Last night.

Chloe: You didn’t tell me that earlier.

Emmett: I was ashamed. Tim told me I might not be receiving the scholarship money he promised. I got angry. Said some things. I was going to go apologize, but… when I got there…

Chloe: I’m gonna need to test you for gunshot residue. And get a full written statement.

Emmett: Whatever you need.

Chloe: (she motions Emmett to sit down at the table) First, I want you to tell me more about Tim and his relationship with Vanessa… what was it like?

Emmett: Great… when the cameras were on.

Chloe: And when they were off?

(Lucifer and Chloe meet up and begin walking towards a meeting room.)

Lucifer: Ah, Detective, you made it. A little underdressed, but okay. What happened with the orphan child?

Chloe: We’re holding him, waiting on ballistics. But he had a lot to say about the Dunlears’ perfect marriage. Apparently, Tim hadn’t slept at home in months.

Lucifer: Well, it’s probably all those good deeds. So time-consuming.

Chloe: Or… I was right. And Tim was back to his old ways. You know, that key card we found in his wallet was from a hotel, so maybe he was cheating on Vanessa, she found out, then decided to…

Lucifer: Punish the cheating bstrd by pumping him full of lead.

Chloe: Well, that’s option “A.” Option “B” is the lawyer isn’t telling us everything he knows. Option “C” is an emotionally distraught mistress did him in.

Lucifer: Ah, that old chestnut… if I can’t have him, no one can.

Chloe: What did you get from Vanessa? Is that why we’re here?

Lucifer: Yes, yes. She asked me to have lunch with the golden donors of the foundation on her behalf. It’s the least I could do.

Chloe: Oh, the very least.

Lucifer: What better way to get intel on a murder than a gaggle of high-society frenemies?

Chloe: Oh. Ah!

(Lucifer grandly opens up double doors to reveal a room of round linen-covered tables surrounded by society women.)

(Lucifer sits at a table leaning in close to a woman seated beside him. She has her hand on his arm.)

Gayle: Tim Dunlear was a true humanitarian.

Lucifer: Oh, there’s so few of us around.

Gayle: And I have no one to help me process my grief. Can you believe my therapist had the nerve to go on maternity leave?

Lucifer: Oh, well, I’m here for you, Gayle. You can tell me anything. Oh.

Lucifer: Oh, ooh… (Gayle puts Lucifer’s hand in her lap)

Gayle: You are a good man.

Lucifer: Yeah, not quite the rush I was looking for, but, uh, when in Rome.

(Chloe is sitting next to Lucifer and speaking with other women and raises her glass to make a toast.)

Chloe: To Tim Dunlear.

Woman: We all loved him.

Chloe: Mm-hmm, some more than others.

Woman: So you heard about Donna Gray?

Chloe: Oh, yeah.

Woman: So sad. Throwing yourself at a married man like that.

Chloe: (trying to get more information Chloe improvises) Mm, and when they started sleeping together, poor Vanessa.

Woman: Tim turned Donna down cold. Not that it’s any of your business. (Woman stands up and huffs off)

(Lucifer and Chloe lean in to talk to each other)

Chloe: Oh. Tight-lipped and angry.

Lucifer: Yes, well, with all that Botox, I’m surprised she can chew at all.

Chloe: This is taking too long… maybe we should do your hypnotism, eye-voodoo thing to get them talking.

Lucifer: Yes. You would expect that sort of behavior from me, wouldn’t you?

Chloe: Yeah, you making a spectacle to help out a case. Yeah, it’s what you do.

Lucifer: Don’t worry, Detective. There’ll be a spectacle. These women are lonely and unappreciated. If I give them what they want, they’ll give us what we want.

(Lucifer pulls out a cordless microphone and stands up)

Lucifer: Hello, ladies. Thank you all so much for coming today. (Chloe looks embarrassed) Uh, you’ve all given so generously over the years to the Dunlear Foundation. In honor of our fallen hero, I now give you a gift in return. (women oohing) (chuckles) Me. (Lucifer points at a female pianist to begin playing. Women clamoring.)

Chloe: (to herself) And he’s breaking into song.

(Lucifer grandly moves around the room singing theatrically)

Lucifer: (to a woman) Gosh, you’re lovely, aren’t you?

(Chloe is noticing Mrs. Dunlear’s assistant, Kyle, sitting quietly off to the side and looking sad.)

Woman: Don’t hold back! (Lucifer continues singing)

Kyle: (Suddenly stands up and screams) Stop it! Stop! What is wrong with you?! Why-why are you enjoying yourselves?! Tim is dead! Shame on you. And shame on all of you.

(scattered murmurs)

Lucifer: (to Chloe) And I give you option “D.”

Chloe: Let’s go.

Woman: (to Lucifer) I love you.

Lucifer: Thank you.

(Lucifer and Chloe chase after Kyle)

Kyle: It’s true. (crying) I loved him.

Lucifer: Kyle, Tim Dunlear was a hero to all of us.

Kyle: No, no. You don’t understand. Tim and I were in love.

Chloe: Oh.

Lucifer: Oh. Right, so Tim was cheating on his wife with a man. I did not see that coming. The Devil usually has impeccable gaydar.

Kyle: Tim was, uh, in denial about his sexuality for years. And then, um… we met.

Chloe: Hmm, that explains why he was never at home and all the secrecy. Did you two ever meet at a hotel?

Kyle: No. No, that-that would’ve been too public. Uh, we only ever met at my apartment.

Chloe: Huh. What about Vanessa? Did she know?

Kyle: They, um, you know, they-they had an arrangement. Tim wanted it kept secret. And Vanessa agreed. She needed the Tim Dunlear brand.

Lucifer: Monogamy fails again.

Chloe: So, if Tim didn’t want out of the closet, were you aware of anyone that would want to blackmail him? Or threaten to go to the press?

Kyle: No. Um… But Tim texted me this photo for safekeeping. I… I have no idea what it means. Hmm. It’s actually the last I ever heard from him before… (sighs)

Lucifer: (putting a hand on Kyle’s shoulder) Do you want another song? (Chloe motions Lucifer to stop)

(Dan is still tied to the pole and Malcolm is leaning against a far table eating from a styrofoam fast food tray)

Malcolm: If there’s one thing I know about kimchi fried rice, it’s that heat really kicks things up a notch.

Dan: You almost died. You came back, and this is what you do with your second chance?

Malcolm: You know what happens when you die?

Dan: I can’t say I do.

Malcolm: Well, if you’ve lived a life like I did, you go to Hell.

Dan: Oh, yeah. In my case, it was for a couple of seconds. Down there, though, it was years… and years. And there’s a door just for you. And inside, Hell uses what you love against you. For me, I love life. Everything about it. Got a hunger for it. So… they starved me. No food. No other people. No nothing. No TV.

(Malcolm has been walking closer to Dan and is now standing in front of him)

Dan: (chuckles) Malcolm?

Malcolm: Hmm?

Dan: You need help.

(Dan kicks high and knocks the food container out of Malcolm’s hands)

Malcolm: (laughs) You always were a scrappy one. Ah. Yeah. I do need help. Never to go back. So I made a deal. And all I got to do is put a bullet in Lucifer. I pull the trigger. (points his fingers like a gun at Dan’s head and clicks tongue) You take the fall.

(Malcolm winks then proceeds to pick the food off the floor and put it back in the container. While he is distracted, Dan uses his foot to cover up the plastic knife that has fallen near him on the floor.)

Malcolm: Huh? Huh? Huh? Five-second rule. (Malcolm chuckles and takes his food upstairs. Dan leans down to get the knife.)

(Chloe sits at her dining room table watching a video, made by Tim Dunlear about his foundation, on her laptop.)

Tim: Teaching, building, creating. I’m Tim Dunlear. Together we can educate Haiti today for their better tomorrow.

(knocking on the front door. Chloe gets up and answers the door)

Chloe: Mr. Fleming? What are you doing here?

Mr. Fleming: I understand you’ve been asking some pretty invasive questions at a luncheon.

Chloe: I have reason to believe that your client knows more than she’s letting on about her husband’s death.

Mr. Fleming: Vanessa Dunlear’s entire world has fallen apart. I mean, what kind of a person targets a-a grieving woman?

Chloe: A very rich grieving woman who stands to inherit her husband’s estate.

Mr. Fleming: Every cent that Tim had goes back into that foundation.

Chloe: Which you would know because now that Tim’s gone, you took control. That’s an interesting turn of events.

Mr. Fleming: You are messing with the wrong people, Detective. Good people. Back off.

(Chloe looks angry and determined.)

(Lucifer and Chloe stand in an empty LUX. There are posters of children on the walls.)

Lucifer: (Lucifer exhales) You’d never know that Lux was a den of iniquity, would you? Well, as long as you don’t look too closely at the floors.

Chloe: Will Fleming wants to scare me off? Bring it on. Question is, whether he’s protecting himself or Vanessa.

Lucifer: Or maybe they’re just good people.

Chloe: Because you’re suddenly the authority? Give me a break.

Lucifer: Detective, even if Vanessa is guilty, this is a woman who’s denied herself carbs since the ’90s and stayed married to a gay man. If she doesn’t want to talk, she won’t. And as for their attorney, well, he certainly doesn’t strike me as the confessional type.

Chloe: Okay. Maybe I can’t get them to talk, but you can. Come on. I’ve seen you do it dozens of times.

Lucifer: No. Not here. Not tonight.

Chloe: Am I missing something? I feel like you’re protecting our main suspects.

Lucifer: No, I’m just thinking about the children.

Chloe: You want to push pause on a murder investigation so you can have a party?

Lucifer: Detective, I made a promise. The ladies, the-the foundation, the proud nation of Haiti… they’re all depending on me tonight. Now, Tim Dunlear may be dead, but his legacy lives on, and right now he needs to go change into his tux. It’s about the greater good, Detective.

Chloe: The greater good would be parking your ego and helping catch the bad guy. The old Lucifer would have known that. Wh… I miss him, by the way. At least he had my back. (exhales and leaves)

Lucifer: Detective!

(Mellow jazz playing. Amenadiel sits alone at a table with a meal and a glass of red wine. He inhales the aroma of the wine in the glass. Maze suddenly arrives and sits across from him.)

Maze: Oh… Glad someone’s having a good night.

Amenadiel: What are you doing here?

Maze: You’ve ruined my life. The least I could do is ruin your night.

(Maze sits down across from him and crosses her legs up on the table and leans back in her chair.)

Waiter: (Hands Maze a menu) Enjoy your evening.

Amenadiel: How’d you even find me, Maze?

Maze: Followed the sweet stench of failure.

Amenadiel: (laughs) Look, don’t blame me for your problems, all right? It’s not my fault that you betrayed your boss.

Maze: My problems are your problems. Which would be the only thing that you and I have in common.

Amenadiel: And so you came here because… because you have nowhere else to go?

Maze: Yes, I do. I have lots of places to go. Lots of places.

Amenadiel: And because you have no one else to talk to, either.

Maze: (chuckles) Says the angel sitting here eating a medium-rare steak by himself. (She takes his wine glass and drinks from it) What? It’s not like you were going to drink it. You’re so boring.

Amenadiel: I’m actually not boring. I’m pretty exciting.

Maze: My definition of “excitement” is fun. Danger. s*x. Spontaneity. You are none of those things.

Amenadiel: Yes, I am.

Maze: Give me one example.

Amenadiel: You know that story about Lucifer and the goat?

Maze: Yeah?

(Amenadiel just smiles)

Maze: No. That was you?

Amenadiel: That was me. A whisper here, a divine appearance there… Word got around.

Maze: He hates the goat thing.

Amenadiel: I know! (laughing)

Maze: He could never figure out where it came from.

Amenadiel: You know, I’ve waited a thousand years to tell someone that. (chuckles)

(Waiter has returned to pour more wine.)

Maze: (She smiles seductively at Amenadiel and says to the waiter..) Leave the bottle.

(Kyle sits at the dining room table in front of her laptop with Chloe looking over his shoulder)

Chloe: Thanks for this, Kyle. I know it’s your job on the line.

Kyle: Whatever it takes. I want to find who did this.

Chloe: Thank you. So this here, this last text from Tim… looks like it was from Port-au-Prince.

Kyle: Tim didn’t tell me he was going there. It wasn’t on his calendar.

Chloe: Could he have traveled under the radar?

Kyle: Sometimes he booked his own travel. He-he had some buddies who own private jets. Sometimes they would travel as a group.

Chloe: So if Tim stayed in a hotel there, maybe that’s why he had the key card. Third-world technology. Maybe that’s why we couldn’t read the magnetic strip.

Kyle: We do charity work in Port-au-Prince. We raised money to buy land to build a school.

Chloe: Maybe that’s what the text of the barren field was.

Kyle: That photo was from a few days ago. The school would be almost finished by now.

Chloe: (coming to a realization) Unless it was never built. Unless the money the foundation raised went somewhere else. Or to someone else. (She looks at a photo on the computer and focuses on the lawyer, Will Fleming.)

(Chloe enters his office in an evening gown with her hair done. Mr. Fleming sees her standing there.)

Mr. Fleming: (snorts) Really? That’s your move? You were planning to seduce me? That is… truly desperate.

Chloe: I’m not here to seduce you, Will. But I do know what you desire.

Mr. Fleming: What is it you think I desire, Detective?

Chloe: To do good. To help people. I did some research into you, Will, and apparently, you don’t charge for your services here at the foundation.

Mr. Fleming: I make a nice living, thanks to my corporate work.

Chloe: Yeah, you protect your clients like a bulldog, but underneath it all, you’re a big softie, aren’t you?

Mr. Fleming: I don’t need to take money away from those kids.

Chloe: No. But Vanessa does.

Mr. Fleming: What the hell does that mean?

Chloe: I looked into a school that was supposed to be built with the foundation’s money in Port-au-Prince. (sighs) It doesn’t exist.

Mr. Fleming: What?

Chloe: I think the money went elsewhere. After all, Vanessa had a hell of an expensive lifestyle to keep up after her husband left the NBA.

Mr. Fleming: That is ridiculous. Besides, non-profit financials are a matter of public record.

Chloe: They are. But they’re so complicated, it would be pretty easy to hide a few outgoing wire transfers. Here. (She hold out some papers for him to take) I think Tim Dunlear looked into these financials and figured it out. So he flew to Pout Au Prince to see for himself, and when he realized where the money went, he confronted Vanessa and she killed him.

Mr. Fleming: That is pure speculation.

Chloe: It is. So help me get proof. If Vanessa transferred money to herself, it’ll show up in her personal financial records, which you have access to.

Mr. Fleming: You want me to violate my client’s trust based on a hunch?

Chloe: You took this job to make a difference. This foundation can still do good the way Tim wanted it to. If you help me.

(Dan is sitting on the floor against a pole, his hands tied behind him. He is using the plastic knife and has cut partially through the plastic handcuffs. Suddenly the knife snaps in two and the sharp part flies into the corner of the room where he can not get to it. Grunting, Dan stains at the ties until they finally break. He gasps. Dan runs up the stairs to find the door locked. He rams his shoulder against the door four times until he is finally able to break through the door.)

(Lucifer is standing in the middle of the room adjusting his cufflinks with his back to the elevator when the elevator bell dings)

Lucifer: Detective. Is that you? Hope you’ve come to your senses. (He turns to find Malcolm pointing a gun at him.)

Malcolm: Well, that depends on who you ask, Mr. Morningstar. (gun hammer clicks) I’m here to murder you.

Lucifer: Well… that is a buzzkill. I’m sorry. Strange, disheveled gunman, have we met?

Malcolm: Briefly. Detective Malcolm Graham.

Lucifer: Ah, yes, of course! The infamous Malcolm. (chuckles) Tough times? You here to steal my watch? Well, there’s no need. You’ve caught me in a charitable mood. You could also use a decent suit. The closet’s that way.

Malcolm: Thanks. I’m still going to kill you.

Lucifer: Ah… I should also mention that if you pull that trigger, it’s a one-way ticket to eternal damnation.

Malcolm: Hell? Oh, I’m not going to Hell. Now or ever again.

Lucifer: No?

Malcolm: See, I made a deal with an angel. And I’ve got orders to take you out. Your ass for mine.

Lucifer: (laughs) Sorry, it’s… My holier-than-thou brother has hired someone to kill me? Well, this really is Opposite Day, isn’t it? You know what, Malcolm? It’s nighttime now. It’s funny how things seem so much clearer in the dark.

(Lucifer approaches Malcolm and flashes his Devil’s Face)

Malcolm: (not phased) Is that all you got?

Lucifer: Interesting. Most people wet themselves when they see my nastier side.

Malcolm: Huh. Well, most people haven’t been to Hell and back. Rumor says you’re not immortal anymore. That if I pull this trigger, it’s bye-bye, Devil.

Lucifer: Of course. Right. And what do you get in return, Malcolm?

Malcolm: Your brother doesn’t kill me. I stay out of Hell, live out my life. I love life. (chuckling) (both chuckling)

Lucifer: You’ve been duped, Malcolm.

Malcolm: Huh?

Lucifer: Angels can’t take a mortal life. It’s Dad’s rules. Sorry. (laughs) And even if you do kill me… what happens when you do die? Because you will… eventually. You’ll still go back to Hell, Malcolm. There’s nothing that my brother can do to prevent that.

(Lucifer pulls out his Pentecostal coin and holds it floating above his outstretched hand.)

Malcolm: What’s that? This? This is my Pentecostal coin. It’s a subway token for the damned if you will. I was going to use it to get back to Hell eventually. I suppose you could use it to get out of Hell, too. Could come in handy for someone like you, don’t you think, Malcolm? It’s all yours if you don’t shoot me. One-time offer.

(Slowly Malcolm moves forward, reaches out, and wraps his hand around the floating coin. He gasps, exhales, and walks back to the elevator. As the doors, open Malcolm smiles and shows Lucifer the coin as the doors then close. Lucifer looks very serious and crestfallen.)

(There is a parked car with heavily steamed-up windows. Suddenly, a female hand braces itself against the backseat side window. Moments later a male hand does the same. Moving around and looking into the rear window of the car then suddenly wings unfold inside the car and move in a rhythmic motion.)

(Lucifer is sitting nursing a drink and deep in thought. The elevator opens and Mrs. Dunlear steps into the room.)

Mrs. Dunlear: There you are. Can’t very well start our party without our guest of honor.

Lucifer: Mrs. Dunlear.

Mrs. Dunlear: Are you okay?

Lucifer: Yes, yes, I just needed a little pick-me-up. It’s been an exhausting day. Facing one’s mortality will do that. (He moves to the bar and pours two drinks.)

Mrs. Dunlear: I think we’ll all deserve a vacation after tonight, a chance to mourn Tim properly. I fly out tomorrow.

Lucifer: One of those Swiss med spas that masquerades as a resort? (chuckles)

Mrs. Dunlear: No. No, I own a small ranch outside of Buenos Aires.

Lucifer: Lovely. I knew some folks who moved to Buenos Aires back in the day. (hands her one of the glasses)

Mrs. Dunlear: Oh. Good people?

Lucifer: Nazis. No extradition treaty in Argentina. Just a nasty bunch of miscreants hiding in plain sight. Gosh, they got away with murder. (suddenly he has a realization) You did kill your husband, didn’t you?

Mrs. Dunlear: No, that’s absurd.

Lucifer: I have to admit, I’m not entirely sure why, but Detective Decker will figure it out. She always does.

Mrs. Dunlear: I loved him. And Tim loved me.

Lucifer: Well, no, technically, he loved your assistant, Kyle.

Mrs. Dunlear: (sighs) Yes, but I… I would never… Tim was a good man. He was selfless…

Lucifer: Yes. Yes, he was. Everybody loved Tim, and he asked for nothing in return, not even his own happiness. Well, as the old saying goes, you can’t keep a good man down, not even in death. (he turns his back and puts his drink down on the bar) So how about we go downstairs, see this night through, and then… (he turns back around to see Mrs. Dunlear has taken a gun out of her purse and is pointing it at him) Oh, bloody hell. (gun fires three times)

(The fund-raiser has begun. People in evening wear are milling around in small groups. Dan, disheveled and dirty, burst into the room looking for Lucifer.)

Dan: (yelling) Lucifer! Where’s Lucifer? Lucifer Morningstar, where is he? Out of the way.

Man: Hey!

(Elevator bell dings. Dan gets out and sees Lucifer laying on the floor and looking dead. Dan goes over to him and exhales in regret. Suddenly Lucifer gasps and sits up making Dan fall back in shock.)

Dan: You’re alive.

Lucifer: Yes. Yes, it would appear that way, wouldn’t it? What are you doing here?

Dan: I came to stop Malcolm; he’s planning to shoot you.

Lucifer: Malcolm? No, no, this wasn’t him. He’s taken care of. (standing up and fixing his clothes)

Dan: He is? How?

Lucifer: Well, I made him an offer that he couldn’t… You know the line. You look terrible, by the way. Rough day at the office?

Dan: Uh, yeah. Yeah, you could say that.

Lucifer: Well, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a charity to attend and a killer to punish. (Elevator bell dings, Lucifer gets in and turns back to look at Dan.) How do I look?

Dan: Pretty good, actually.

Lucifer: Yes, I thought as much. Oh, have a drink. Two, if you like. Who says the Devil can’t be charitable? (elevator doors close.)

(Mrs. Dunlear stands at the podium addressing the crowd.)

Mrs. Dunlear: Thank you all so much for your generosity. I would also like to thank our host, Mr. Morningstar. He was going to say a few words, but unfortunately, he’s been…

(Lucifer comes up behind her and speaks into the microphone and she moves aside.)

Lucifer: Right on time. How are we all this evening, eh? Such a well-preserved crowd. Love your work, Dr. Broffman. Tucking marvelous. (chuckles) Right, we’re all here to honor Tim Dunlear’s legacy and what better way to do that than to reveal his killer? (crowd gasping) Wouldn’t you agree, Mrs. Dunlear? (Lucifer looks at Mrs. Dunlear and does his mojo) Time to show your friends your true colors. Tell them all your nasty desires.

(From the audience we now see Chloe and Mr. Fleming have arrived.)

Chloe: No need. We already have everything, how she embezzled money from the foundation, and when Tim found out about it, you killed him. (crowd gasping)

Lucifer: Ah, see? Told you she’d figure it out. (scoffs)

Mrs. Dunlear: You have no proof.

Mr. Fleming: Actually, we do.

Chloe: We have proof of the embezzlement, and that’s enough for probable cause.

Lucifer: Vanessa… (Lucifer looks into her eyes and his mojo takes effect)

Mrs. Dunlear: I earned that money. I supported him when he left pro ball. I let him sleep with my assistant. Oh. That money should go to me, not those kids. Tim was going to ruin everything. I had to.

Lucifer: Now, doesn’t that feel better? Huh? (chuckles)

Chloe: (who is now on stage next to Mrs. Dunlear) Vanessa Dunlear, you’re under arrest for the murder of Tim Dunlear. (whispering to Lucifer) Thank you.

Lucifer: You’re welcome. (Chloe leaves with Mrs. Dunlear)There it is again, that rush.

(The fund-raiser is over. Lucifer sits at the bar drinking as a disheveled Maze walks up to the bar and pours herself a drink.)

Lucifer: Looks like someone had a good night.

Maze: We’re talking again?

Lucifer: (chuckles) Well… life’s too short to hold grudges.

Lucifer: Doesn’t mean all is forgiven, mind. I mean, you’d have to do something pretty extraordinary to wipe this slate clean.

Maze: I had s*x with your brother.

Lucifer: And that puts you in my good graces how exactly?

Maze: Well, I was his inside woman, and now I’m yours.

Lucifer: Yes, well, I suppose that could come in handy, especially since he just tried to kill me.

Maze: What?! Wait, you were shot?

Lucifer: Mm-hmm.

Maze: And you didn’t bleed?

Lucifer: He hired a gunman. I mean, I talked the chap out of it, but then this demented socialite… I mean, it’s a long story, but I survived, which is more than can be said for my Armani.

Maze: But I don’t understand. How could you still be alive?

Lucifer: Well, that is the question, isn’t it, Maze? Why is it that sometimes I’m immortal… (chuckles as he swipes a knife blade along his palm to show it didn’t cut him) and other times I’m all too human.

Lucifer: (he has a thought) Now that… Oh, that’s interesting.

Maze: What?

Lucifer: I need to go and test a theory. (He gets up with the knife and begins to walk out, then stops, turns, and points the knife at Maze.) Oh, and, um… tread carefully, Maze.

(Knocking on door rapidly. Chloe answers the door to see Lucifer standing there.)

Lucifer: May I come in?

Chloe: Who? St. Lucifer or the Devil?

Lucifer: (chuckles) Yes, rest assured, St. Lucifer’s retired. (Chloe opens the door wider and motions him to come in. Lucifer enters the room.)

Chloe: Really? ‘Cause I just got a text from Kyle saying that someone gave money to Emmett Toussaint’s scholarship fund, enough for a full ride. An anonymous donor.

Lucifer: Well, good for Emmett. Glad it worked out.

Chloe: Mm-hmm.

Lucifer: Listen, Detective, I…

Chloe: I want… Oh. Sorry.

Lucifer: No, you.

Chloe: Um, I’ve been thinking a lot about the other night, why I showed up drunk to your place, why you wouldn’t sleep with me, and I think us, our thing, maybe it goes beyond just work. Or s*x.

Lucifer: What s*x? Congratulations, the first woman to give the Devil blue balls.

Chloe: Anyhow, I, uh,

(We now see that Lucifer is holding the knife behind his back and twisting it in his fingers.)

Chloe: I just… I can let my guard down with you. I don’t do that with anyone else. You make me vulnerable. And… maybe that’s okay.

Lucifer: Detective…

(Lucifer swipes the blade against his palm and looks at it. He puts his hands behind his back again and we see his palm is bloody.)

Lucifer: if it’s any consolation to your pride… it appears you make me vulnerable, too.