S2 Ep01: Everything’s Coming Up Lucifer

11 August 2021 / 16 August 2021 by Victoria

Man: Everybody, get the hell on the ground!

(alarm ringing)

Man: Fill the bag with everything on display. Hurry up!

(Lucifer and Amenadiel appear behind the gunman. They have knocked two of the robbers unconscious. grunting.)

Lucifer: This is such a cliché. I mean, for one, those are all conflict diamonds. Terrible karma, but more importantly, is this really how you want to spend your time on Earth?

Man: I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t step back, I will kill you.

Lucifer: (chuckles. Steps closer and does his mojo.) But that’s not what you really desire, is it?

Man: (mesmerized) No, it isn’t.

Lucifer: So, what do you want?

Man: Freedom.

Lucifer: Oh… just as I suspected. You were tired of being a prisoner, weren’t you?

Man: Yeah, that’s right. I-I-I couldn’t take it anymore.

Lucifer: So you wanted to break your shackles, be reborn.

Man: I did.

Lucifer: So you escaped Hell, looking for an empty body, and found this poor sod, who’d just died of a heart attack, and now here you are, wreaking havoc on Earth. The jig is up. We found you, Mum.

Man: Wait, what?

Lucifer: You just said you wanted to escape your shackles.

Man: Yeah. When the paramedics brought me back, I realized I needed to be free.

Lucifer: Yes, from Hell.

Man: No, man, from debt. I owe a ton of money. And this was gonna get me out from underneath it. You know what, I’m sick of this. The two of you are…

Amenadiel: (Slows time. sighs) It’s not Mom.

Lucifer: Oh, you think?

Amenadiel: Well, we had to check. She doesn’t have a body.

Lucifer: She must have entered a human form of someone who’s recently died. Which means anyone who kicked the bucket whilst you were sleeping on the job.

Amenadiel: Luci, do you realize he’s the last one on our list?

Lucifer: Well, you must have missed one.

Amenadiel: Or maybe she’s not in Los Angeles.

Lucifer: (laughing) No, she’s here. I kept her prisoner for thousands of years. She’s coming for me. I know it. We just need to get to her first.

Amenadiel: (sighs turns to leave) Are you coming?!

Lucifer: In a moment. There’s so much punishment, so little time. (chuckles)

Man: …dead.

(We now see that Lucifer has stripped the man down to his manties and put a tiara on his head. The man stands still with his hand outstretched but he no longer holds a gun. When he tries to walk he falls because his shoelaces are tied together.)

Man: (gasps, shouts) What’s going on? (groans)

Lucifer: (pacing the floor) My mum’s gonna kill me. And before you say it, that’s not a metaphor. She’s literally going to kill me. She’s not the forgiving type.

Dr. Linda: You’ve never mentioned your mother before. Why is that?

Lucifer: Well, you wouldn’t understand, would you? I’d like to.

Lucifer: Oh, all right. (sits on the couch) Very well. In human terms, once upon a time, a boy met a girl, and they fell in love. They had s*x. The only trouble was, they were celestial beings, so that moment created the universe.

Dr. Linda: Mm, the Big Bang?

Lucifer: Never knew how appropriate the name was until now, did you? Anyway, they became Mum and Dad. They had a whole litter of kids, including yours truly. And they built a house. They called it Heaven. They were happy. Dad was… well, Dad, and Mum… Well, Mum was rather lovely in the beginning. (sighs) But things change, don’t they? Dad started going into the garage and tinkering with a little project he called humanity. Mum grew cold… distant. (inhales deeply) And pretty soon, they were both neglecting their family.

Dr. Linda: And then one of his children started to act out?
Lucifer: Indeed. Yeah… so Dad got pissed off and tossed me out of the house.

Dr. Linda: And what did your mother do?

Lucifer: (bitterly) Nothing. She just stood there and let it happen. Anyway, a couple of thousand years later, Dad kicked her out, too. Cast her into Hell and put her in a cell. So, I did the same for her as she did for me. Zilch.

Lucifer: Is it good to be back on a studio set, Detective?

Chloe: Not really. (Lucifer chuckles)

Lucifer: It’s bringing back memories of your acting days? If you’re feeling nostalgic, sure I can find some horny teenagers and a hot tub. ‘Cause the movie you were in was…

Chloe: Yeah, I got it.

Lucifer: Is everything all right, Detective? You seem distracted. Usually I get at least a glimmer of a smile from my remarks, the occasional eye roll. I think I got a snort once.

Chloe: Two days ago, you were shot point-blank.

Lucifer: Ah, well, no need to thank me for my heroism. Well, maybe just a little. No one’s stopping you. (chuckles)

Chloe: There was blood all over you. You should be dead.

Lucifer: Well, par for the course for our adventures, Detective. What’s new?

Chloe: I have a sample of your blood and I’m gonna take it and test it.

Lucifer: Oh.

Chloe: And I’m gonna find out exactly what you are once and for all.

Lucifer: Yeah. Oh. The Devil himself?

Chloe: No, I’m guessing Larry Morningstar, the son of a plumber in Connecticut.

Lucifer: Right, well, wrap that up, would you? ‘Cause I could use your help on my end. I’m on a bit of a manhunt. Well, womanhunt, and I need to find her before… I’m too late.

(Chloe and Lucifer arrive at the crime scene. Lucifer is surprised and worried to see the victim with rods sticking out of her skull resembling devil horns.)

Chloe: (sighs) So, our victim’s name is Gillian Taylor. She was a stand-in for the lead actress on Leave It to Leslie.

Lucifer: Stand-in?

Chloe: Yeah, stand-ins are used to light a scene as the actors prep. Usually want to be actors themselves.

Lucifer: And now she’s dead because of me.

Chloe: What do you mean, because of you?

Lucifer: Well, remind you of anyone?

Ella: That’s weird.

Chloe: What’s weird, Ella?

Ella: Well… you’d think cause of death would be the giant chunks of metal sticking out of her head, but no, she was strangled. Look. You can see the contusions on her neck.

Chloe: So, the horns were added postmortem?

Ella: Yeah, soft tissue at the point of impact is yellow-pink. That means that there was no blood pressure when our killer went all stabby-stab. And… she was killed somewhere else. This body was moved here.

Chloe: So, the killer is sending a message.

Lucifer: Ah, good, so you agree with me.

Chloe: I didn’t say the message was to you.

Lucifer: Well, who else would it be for? (sighs)

(Chloe looks across street and sees Dan standing there.)

Chloe: What the hell?

Lucifer: Oh, joy of joys, I thought Detective Douche was in jail.

Chloe: He’s suspended. Or at least he was. Give us a minute. (walks over to Dan) Hi.

Dan: Hey.

Chloe: What are you doing here?

Dan: I’ve been reinstated.

Chloe: What?

Dan: After Malcolm and everything that happened at Palmetto, they wanted to sweep everything under the rug. And the only thing I confessed to was improperly checking out evidence.

Chloe: A gun that killed someone.

Dan: I didn’t ask for this.

Chloe: You didn’t turn it down, either.

Dan: Would you rather I go to jail? You think Trixie would prefer that?

Chloe: No, it’s just… it’s a lot to take in.

Dan: (scoffs) I’ve been demoted. I’ve been reassigned to assist on cases, so… for now, how can I help?

Chloe: Uh, interview crew members. See if they know anything, any enemies she had. I mean, you know.

Dan: Thanks, Chloe.

Chloe: Yeah.

(Back at the crime scene, Lucifer gets to know the new CSI tech, Ella.)

Lucifer: You’re a newbie, aren’t you?

Ella: Oh, hey, yeah. (She gives Lucifer a big hug with which he is clearly uncomfortable.) Ella Lopez. I just transferred in a couple days ago. You must be Detective Decker’s civilian consultant.

Lucifer: Lucifer Morningstar.

Ella: (not phased by the name) Cool.

Lucifer: I was expecting a different reaction considering your choice of bling. (Referring to the cross she wears around her neck.)

Ella: Oh. Dude, I had a friend named Adolf. Okay, Adolf. I didn’t hold it against him. (chuckles) And besides, I think the Devil gets a bad rap.

Lucifer: Oh. You do, do you?

Ella: Sure. I mean, what did he really do that was so bad? What, rebel against his dad? Ask some naked lady if she wanted an apple?

Lucifer: Be still my heart. Do go on.

Ella: I suppose he does run Hell. That’s not so great, you know, with the torture and eternal damnation.

Lucifer: I’m retired. And besides, I didn’t create Hell. I just worked there.

Ella: And now you’re talking in the first person. Wait. Are you…

Lucifer: The Devil?

Ella: …a method actor?

Lucifer: What?

Ella: (groans)

(Actress and her boyfriend arrive and stand before reports. Lucifer, Chloe and Ella watch from a distance. Reporters clamoring.)

Chloe: Not exactly an Emmy-worthy performance from our child actor.

Lucifer: And her dick nozzle boyfriend.

Chloe: Weird, for a girl who normally doesn’t wear mascara, she’s certainly wearing a lot. I wonder why. Trixie loves her show.

Ella: (excitedly) Oh, my God, me, too. (she walks away.)

Lucifer: (looking back at the actress Amy he says to Chloe) Sweet candy coating on the outside, delicious evil on the inside?

Chloe: Or she just likes the attention. Either way, she’s got a wall of reps surrounding her. I’ve got a call in to interview her. But for now let’s focus on Gillian.

(The building manager walks Lucifer and Chloe into Gillian’s apartment.)

Roberta: Yeah. Gillian rented from me for four years. Such a sweet, strong girl. You know, I… I don’t have a daughter, but, uh… You know, she got so close on so many auditions. I… I really thought that she was gonna break in.

(They all enter the apartment and Lucifer and Chloe begin looking around.)

Roberta: This is my fault.

Chloe: Why do you say that?

Roberta: Well, I work as a set nurse. I pulled a few strings. I got her that job. If she hadn’t met Amy…

Chloe: Do you think Amy did this?

Roberta: No, sweet, darling, innocent Amy?

Lucifer: Oh, I’m sensing sarcasm and general loathing.

Roberta: Oh, that girl’s a bad influence. She has so much cocaine up her nose, it would snow if you shook her.

Lucifer: (chuckles) Yes, I’ve tried that.

Roberta: The show kept it out of the news. They even hid her O.D. a couple of days ago. Hospital was barely able to start her heart again.

Lucifer: Well, hold on. You’re saying Amy died, then came back to life, and then an innocent girl was found dead with devil horns shoved into her skull?

Roberta: I… guess that’s one way to put it. Yes.

(Chloe has found a large bundle of money in a bag stashed in the sofa.)

Chloe: Maybe Gillian wasn’t as innocent as she seemed.

(Chloe and Lucifer and now leaving apartment and walk across the yard surrounded by dozens of plastic flamingos.)

Lucifer: Well, maybe she needed the cash to fund her flamingo army.

Chloe: We need to check on Gillian’s financials. See if she made any large cash deposits and, if so, when. I don’t know. Maybe we can find a pattern.

Lucifer: Well, it doesn’t matter, because I know who the killer is.

Chloe: Really? Who?

Lucifer: My mum.

Chloe: Your mom?

Lucifer: It’s a long story, but I think my mum’s soul is currently inside Amy. She’s the perfect choice of host body, really. Young, beautiful, worshiped and adored by millions.

Chloe: You’re making less sense than you normally do.

Lucifer: That’s because you still don’t believe me! Just test my blood, Detective. Then we can have a real conversation.

(Amenadiel is nursing a drink at the bar. Lucifer bounces down the stairs.)

Lucifer: Oh. Look at you, all broody. Suits you. Well, don’t worry. Maze always turns up eventually. She’s like a bad penny… in tight leather pants.

Amenadiel: (chuckles) (sighs)

Lucifer: Unless, of course, you scared her away for good.

Amenadiel: (laughs) I scared her away?

Lucifer: Well, everything was fine until you went all lovey-dovey on her.

Amenadiel: Really? Because I seem to remember her telling both of us where to shove it.

Lucifer: (scoffs)

Amenadiel: Luci, you don’t think she helped Mom escape, do you?

Lucifer: (sarcastically) Well, that doesn’t sound like the kind of evil, duplicitous thing a demon would do, now, does it? But, no, I don’t because I found Mum.

Amenadiel: You did? Where?

Lucifer: On a case. And on top of that, I think the detective’s gonna finally believe me about who I am soon, so cheers! Everything’s coming up Lucifer.

Amenadiel: What did you do?

Lucifer: I didn’t do anything. She’s going to test my blood.

Amenadiel: She’s what?!

Lucifer: Mm. Exciting, isn’t it?

Amenadiel: Humans can’t have proof of divinity!

Lucifer: Just the detective. I don’t see the harm.

Amenadiel: Sure. I mean, what could possibly go wrong if angel blood enters the police department’s forensic database?

Lucifer: I’m sorry. Am I supposed to answer that?

Amenadiel: You just deal with Mom. I’ll deal with this mess.

Lucifer: At least I got you to stop brooding. And you’re welcome.

(Chloe runs into Dan as she is going towards building and he is coming out.)

Dan: Hey, Chloe.

Chloe: Hey.

Dan: I interviewed the crew. For the most part, Amy and Gillian got along great.

Chloe: For the most part?

Dan: Yeah, they got into a big fight a couple of days ago as they were setting up a shot. (Dan shows Chloe a video on his laptop) Unfortunately, they weren’t rolling audio.

Chloe: Well, I get the gist of it. Gillian had a bunch of money hidden away at her place. And then this blowup.

Dan: What do you think?

Chloe: Amy had a secret drug problem? Then Gillian found out about it and was blackmailing her?

Dan: If so, that’s a pretty strong motive.

Chloe: It is, yeah. Thanks, Dan. (She walks back to her car leaving Dan awkwardly standing there.)

(Amy is at mirrored vanity, snorting cocaine. She sniffs and sighs. She is shocked to hear a man speak behind her. She turns to see Lucifer relaxing on her sofa.)

Lucifer: Well, now I know where I got my taste for the good life.

Amy: What are you doing in here?

Lucifer: Amy Dodd, eh? Role model for teen girls, awkward erection for their fathers. (Amy slowly stands up) A wolf in a sheep’s tiny skirt. It’s very appropriate, Mum.

Amy: Who are you, and what are you doing in here?

Lucifer: Yeah. Let’s stop playing games, shall we? (Lucifer stands up and steps towards Amy and she steps towards him.) I know you’re not who you pretend to be. I know who you really are.

(Amy grabs Lucifer’s shirt and pushes down on the sofa, climbs on top of him.)

Lucifer: All right. Attacking me would be a waste of… What are you doing? You can’t do this!

Amy: I’m tired of everyone thinking I’m so innocent. But I’m not, and I’ll prove it. (Amy rips open her blouse.)

Lucifer: Please don’t! Oh, God, don’t!

(Amy struggles with Lucifer trying to kiss him. Lucifer is horrified thinking this is his mother.)

Lucifer: Good Lord, that’s… Ugh. (Amy kisses him, he pulls back) Mmm. Wait. You’re not who I thought you were, are you?I hope.

Amy: Oh, I’m exactly who you think I am.

(Amy is still struggling to unbutton Lucifer’s shirt)

Lucifer: Well, then this truly is the most evil thing that’s ever happened to me. Just-just stop doing the buttons and just… just please…

(There is knocking on trailer door.)

Chloe: Ms. Dodd? (Chloe walks into the trailer and sees Lucifer and Amy) Ah. What the hell is going on?

Lucifer: Right. For once, this is not what it looks like.

(Moments later, Amy is quietly sitting on sofa talking with Chloe as Lucifer is looking around room.)

Amy: I’m in so much trouble.

Chloe: We don’t care about your drug use, Amy.

Amy: You don’t?

Chloe: What we care about is that you Gillian had an argument right before she died. Why?

Amy: Does it matter?

Chloe: We found a lot of cash at Gillian’s house, so if she was blackmailing you…

Amy: (in a child-like voice) She wasn’t blackmailing me. She was my sober companion.

Lucifer: Well, clearly not very good at it. (chuckles)

Amy: The production company thought it was a good idea to hire my stand-in to also keep an eye on me. They thought it would help keep it a secret.

Chloe: What was the fight about?

Amy: I was getting tired of her treating me like a child. I’m an adult! I can make my own decisions.

Lucifer: (holding up one of her Teddy bears) Clearly.

(Chloe moves to the sofa and sits down.)

Amy: I’d gotten a new supply in. She was trying to take it away from me. (Amy gets up and gets a small bag of white powder from a draw and hands it to Chloe.)

Lucifer: Oh.

Amy: Just take-take it all away.

(Chloe shows the front of the small bag with a sticker on it to Lucifer.)

Lucifer: A devil emoji? That’s it. I’m speaking to a copyright lawyer today.

Chloe: So Gillian cut off your supply. That must have pissed off your dealer. Who is he?

Amy: I-I never met him. All I have is a number. I’d text him, he’d messenger me the drugs.

Chloe: Okay, good. I’m gonna need that number.

Amy: Okay.

(Lucifer is leaning against his Corvette. Chloe is talking on her phone and walking to where he waits.)

Chloe: (on phone) Thank you. (to Lucifer) Okay, so the production company confirms that they paid Gillian under the table to be Amy’s sober companion. That explains the cash. I mean, I’m not saying Amy’s innocent, but I don’t see a motive anymore.

Lucifer: Well, what about our emoji-loving drug dealer?

Chloe: Could be a show of strength. Making sure no one screws with him in the future. I put a warrant in to locate his cell phone, and, uh… (reacting to Lucifer’s reaction) What? Do you still think this is about you?

Lucifer: Of course I do, but it’s worse than I thought. My mum is clearly playing the long game. Taunting me with my own distorted image again and again.

Chloe: No, really. Do you really think the drug dealer is your mother?

Lucifer: Well, she’s clever enough to pull it all off. What? You thought I took after my dad? Oh. You don’t have to believe anything I say, Detective. Test my blood. (Annoyed he gets into his car) Oh, dearie me, why are you hesitating? Scared to find out the truth? (He starts the engine)

Chloe: I’m not scared about anything other than finding out what STDs you have.

Lucifer: Very funny. (tires screeching he drives away) (indistinct radio transmission)

(Amenadiel walks down stairs towards the detective squad room. He slows time and walks by an officer whose keys and floating mid-air. Amenadiel finds Chloe’s desk and starts looking for Lucifer’s blood sample. Suddenly time speeds back up. The officer’s keys fall to the ground and as he picks them up he sees Amenadiel at Chloe’s desk. Amenadiel is perplexed.)

Officer: Hey. Hey! How did…? What the hell are you doing in here?

Amenadiel: I’m sorry. I, uh… I must have gotten lost. (Amenadiel leaves walking by the officer) Good night.

(Lucifer sits on sofa outlining the current situations with which he’s dealing.)

Dr. Linda: You don’t think you deserve any of the blame for what happened with your mother?

Lucifer: No. That’s between her and Dad.

Dr. Linda: Then whose fault is it?

Lucifer: Well, I suppose none of this would have happened if Amenadiel had been watching over Hell like he was supposed to.

Dr. Linda: I thought that was your job.

Lucifer: Well, it was, but when I abdicated, it became his. Sort of like a game of hot potato. And then there’s Maze.

Dr. Linda: And what about her?

Lucifer: Well, she’s still missing. See, I’m-I’m worried she might be involved in all this. Might explain why Mum was able to hit the ground running with my torment. And I wouldn’t be in this mess if it wasn’t for the detective, and she doesn’t even know it!

Dr. Linda: And why is that?

Lucifer: Well, when I asked Father for the favor, I… (chuckles softly) Look, it doesn’t matter. Even if I told her, she wouldn’t believe me anyway.

Dr. Linda: Sounds like there’s a lot of blame to go around.
Lucifer: Yes.

Dr. Linda: Is there anyone you might be leaving out?

Lucifer: (sighs) Anyone I’m leaving out. Um… (clock ticking) Oh, you’re right. Yes. If you’d fixed my existential problem earlier, none of this would have happened. Well, good on you for taking responsibility, Doctor. It’s very noble. Ah.(laughs)

Dr. Linda: (takes a long pause) I worry you’re not gaining anything from our sessions.

Lucifer: What do you mean?

Dr. Linda: Lately, you’re using our sessions as an excuse to misinterpret what I say for your own gain.

Lucifer: (laughs) What?

Dr. Linda: I don’t think I’m actually helping you.

Lucifer: Are you breaking up with me?

Dr. Linda: I’m asking the question. Are our sessions actually helping, or just making things worse?

(LUX looks empty. Chloe walks down the stairs and calls out for Lucifer.)

Chloe: Lucifer? You said you wanted to talk.

(Amenadiel comes out from the side of the bar)

Amenadiel: Hello, Chloe.

Chloe: What’s going on?

Amenadiel: I was really hoping I wouldn’t have to do this, but… recent developments have left me with no other choice.

Chloe: No other choice than to what?

Amenadiel: You need to know the truth, Chloe. About Lucifer.

Chloe: All right. I’m listening.

Amenadiel: Oh, I’m not gonna tell you. I’m gonna show you.

(Amenadiel pulls out a gun. Chloe puts her hand to her holster.)

Chloe: What are you doing? (Amenadiel points the gun to his stomach) Amenadiel. Amenadiel, no! (Amenadiel fires gun, Chloe gasps) Okay, you’re gonna be fine. I’m gonna call an ambulance. You’re gon…

(As she examines the blood soaked shirt she realizes he is not reacting in pain. She sighs.)

Chloe: You c… (panting) You’re… you’re okay. (panting) How?

Amenadiel: Okay, this is going to be hard for you to hear, which is why I needed you to see what Lucifer is.

Chloe: No. I don’t believe it.

Amenadiel: Good. Because it’s all a lie. (He raises his shirt) Bulletproof vest and blood packs.

Chloe: Are you insane? You could have killed yourself!

Amenadiel: I was perfectly safe, Chloe. This, by the way, is what Lucifer wore when you guys confronted Malcolm.

Chloe: How would you know that?

Amenadiel: Because I put it on him. He knew what he was walking into. Listen, everything that he does is part of a performance.

Chloe: All right. Then what about the weird mojo thing he does?

Amenadiel: Neural linguistic programming? The power of suggestion? Look, he studied it at a very young age. And I hate to admit this, but he’s actually really good at it.

Chloe: What about the fact that you two are brothers?

Amenadiel: Come on. You’ve never heard of adoption?

Chloe: Why? Why would he do all this?

Amenadiel: Listen, what you have to understand is that my brother and I had a very difficult childhood. And to deal with it, he created this persona for himself… Lucifer Morningstar, the Devil, incorrigible and invincible.

Chloe: So he’s a liar?

Amenadiel: Chloe, he means well, but in the end, the only person he ever truly lies to is himself.

(phone ringing)

Chloe: Decker. You tracked our dealer’s phone? Great. I’m on my way. (she hangs up phone)

Amenadiel: Any other questions?

Chloe: Yeah. Why tell me all this now?

Amenadiel: Because you needed to know.

(A man stands at a podium talking to a partially filled room of people sitting in folding chairs.)

Man: When I woke up a week later, they’d written in a… a wisecracking neighbor. You know, he-he got all the best lines.

Lucifer: Your heart goes out to him, doesn’t it? (sighs)

Chloe: A dealer trying to find a buyer at an AA meeting, people at their most vulnerable… that’s really low.

Lucifer: Yeah. It’s also not something my mum would even care about.

Chloe: Because… and I can’t believe I’m saying this… The killer isn’t your mother.

Lucifer: (sighs) Unfortunately, I think you’re right. Dear me, this has all been a wild goose chase. (He begins to stand up.)

Chloe: Hey. There’s still a killer out there, Lucifer. And we tracked his phone to this room. We’ve got to figure out who the dealer is.

Man: It was the lowest point in my life. (Man leaves podium)

Group Leader: Thanks, David.

Others: Thanks, David.

Group Leader: All right, does anybody else want to speak?

Lucifer: Yes, I’d like to say something. (Lucifer walks behind the podium and begins seriously) Thank you. Hello. My name is Lucifer Morningstar and I… (becomes loud and demonstrative)love drugs. (people gasping)

Lucifer: Love them! Mmm! Yummy, yummy, yummy. Can’t get enough. And… I’ve got lots of money… (pulls out a large money roll from his pocket and fans the bills, sniffs) mmm, that I love spending on drugs. Not even picky. I’ll do any of them. Mix them together sometimes. (chuckles) You ever done a he-she? No? A neon nod? A donk? Ah. Yeah, he knows what I’m talking about. That man has definitely donked. Haven’t you?

Group Leader: Uh, the theme of the day is your lowest point.

Lucifer: Right, my lowest point. Well, geographically, that would be Hell, of course. Hard to get much lower than that. (chuckles. He then looks around the room and the people listening to him and then gets serious) And… Well, then I suppose it was when my mother abandoned me. Turnabout was fair play, so I… abandoned her in turn. Didn’t even give her a chance to defend herself. I mean, what could she possibly say that would justify what she did? What would she say?

Lucifer: Well, that was a disaster.

Chloe: Actually, I thought that was really impressive.

Lucifer: You did? It didn’t draw anyone out.

Chloe: Yep. That’s not what I was impressed with.

Drug Dealer: Hey, guys. Looking to score? Because I’ve got some really good stuff, if you’ve got cash.

Chloe: Are we playing show and tell? I got something to show you. (she moves her coat and shows him her badge)

Drug Dealer: (scared) I actually found this on the ground… this isn’t even mine. I just… (grunts) No, it-it really isn’t. I… (Lucifer pats the man down and finds a handful of more drugs on him) Oh, okay. Where-where did those come from?

Lucifer: Right. Now I’ve flushed out your dealer, do you mind if I…? (he motions he’d like to leave)

Chloe: Knock yourself out. (Lucifer leaves)

Drug Dealer: Those really are not mine.

Chloe: Oh, of course they aren’t.

(Moments later Chloe is showing the drug dealer a picture on her phone of the dead girl with the rods sticking out of her head)

Drug Dealer: You don’t really think I could do that to someone?

Chloe: I think you were pissed off that someone blocked your meal ticket, and I think you were trying to send a message, yeah.

Drug Dealer: Yeah, but I couldn’t do that. That… Oh, God. Is that her skull? (retches) Can you take that away, please? Not until you tell me what you know about… (retches into nearby garbage can, coughs) Oh, God. (exhales) That poor girl.

Chloe: All right, if it wasn’t you, then who would want to make it look like it was?

Drug Dealer: She had a dealer before me, you know, I… I doubt… I doubt he was happy I stole his best buyer.

Chloe: Who was he?

(Music is loud and many people are partying.)

(Lucifer stands at top of stairs overlooking the crowd below. A hooded man with a small knife walks up behind him. Just as the man is about to stab Lucifer, Maze appears, briefly fights teh man who then rolls down the stairs, grunting.)

Lucifer: (casually) Oh, there you are, Maze. I’ve missed you.

(Maze takes knife and drives its point into a wooden railing then turns and looks at Lucifer.)

(Lucifer stands behind his bar drinking. Maze pours herself a drink.)

Lucifer: So, where the hell have you been, Maze?

Maze: Away.

Lucifer: Wonderfully vague, but you’ll have to be a tad more specific, I’m afraid. I needed you.

Maze: Oh. So I’m supposed to just come running whenever you need me?

Lucifer: Yes. That’s exactly what you’re supposed to do.

Maze: And why is that?

Lucifer: Because since fire and brimstone, that’s just how it is between us. Through thick and thin. So, come on. Where were you?

Maze: Shouldn’t you be more concerned with the guy I just saved you from?

Lucifer: Oh, please. I’m only vulnerable when the detective is around. (low, muffled grunting nearby)

Chloe: So, who is he?

Lucifer: Amy Dodd’s dick nozzle boyfriend. She’s the actress from Leave It…

Maze: (singing the theme song to Amy’s show) Leave it to Leslie. What? It makes me laugh.

Lucifer: Well, he must have seen me going into Amy’s trailer when I thought she was Mum. (to the boy bound, duct tape over mouth, and hanging from a rope wrapped around his midsection) Jealous, were you? Wanted to prove yourself to be a big boy by waving a knife in my face?

Maze: Wait, your mom escaped Hell?

Lucifer: Yes. Funny timing, isn’t it? She slipped out whilst Amenadiel was injured. And you, uh… Well, where were you, Maze?

Maze: (amused) Wait, you think I’m helping her? Have you forgotten who actually tortured her in Hell?

Lucifer: Well, desperation makes for strange bedfellows. ugh… I’ve just pictured you in bed with my mom. Oh, I can’t un-see that now.

Maze: So, Mama Morningstar’s on the loose. I never could break that woman. She wouldn’t submit. Seems like I have another chance. (low grunting from boy) You sure he doesn’t know anything?

Boy: (grunts. Maze pulls off duct tape to let him speak) What is wrong with you people?!

Lucifer: Yes, I’m sure. Give me that. (Lucifer retrieves the duct tape from Maze and puts it over the boy’s mouth again. We hear muffled talking under tape.)

Maze: I think he would disagree. (muffled talking)

Lucifer: Fine. (Maze removes tape again.)

Boy: I know things… about the murder.

Lucifer: We found the drug dealer with the adorable devil drawings. Case closed.

Boy: You think Irwin killed her? No, he’d never do that.

Lucifer: Maybe, maybe not. Don’t care.

Boy: You guys are with the cops, though, right?

Lucifer: More of a day job thingy… Got much more pressing issues at the moment. (reapplies the tape to the boy’s mouth) Right, seriously… if you weren’t helping my mom, then where were you?

Maze: (groans) Ah… I was with a friend.

Lucifer: Friend? Demons don’t have friends.

Maze: Someone who’s been helping me do some… …soul-searching.

Lucifer: What, like hunting them down and killing them?

Maze: (scoffs) I wish. That would be a lot easier. No. Now that we are stuck here, I need to figure out… where I fit in. And she’s been helping me do that. (chuckling)

Maze: Thanks. I knew you wouldn’t understand. I barely do. (muffled talking) (continues muffled talking)

Lucifer: (Annoyed Lucifer removes the tape from the boy’s mouth again) What?

Boy: Amy had another drug dealer.

Lucifer: Go on.

Boy: She used to score big from some other guy before she got clean. But then Gillian cut him off completely, and the guy, he was super pissed.

Lucifer: Right, and where can I find this other dealer?

Boy: I don’t know. Oh… No, I-I-I swear I’ve never met him. Look, he goes by the name of… of Bobby B.

Lucifer: Lovely.

(Lucifer turns and walks past Maze on his way out he drops used tape on the bar.)

Maze: I thought you said this case doesn’t have anything to do with your mom anymore.

Lucifer: It doesn’t.

Maze: Then why are you running off to tell Chloe?

Lucifer: Well, maybe there are things you wouldn’t understand about me, either. (scoffs and leaves)

Boy: So you guys are gonna let me go now, right?

Maze: Of course. (Boy looks relieved, Maze chuckles) After I’ve had my fun.

(indistinct radio transmission. Lucifer and Chloe meet on the stairs heading towards the detective’s squad room)

Lucifer: Ah, there you are!

Chloe: Oh, hey. I’ve got some news on the case.

Lucifer: Oh, me, too. But go on. Ladies first.

Chloe: Well, our drug dealer’s alibi is still shaky. Uh, but he did mention there’s another dealer.

Lucifer: Oh. That’s what I had.

Chloe: And Amy’s lawyered up, so we can’t get anything out of her. And all we have on this “other dealer” is that he’s selling prescription pills. Oxys. Percocet.

(Chloe sits down at her desk.)

Lucifer: Oh, not my faves, but they’ll do in a pinch.

Chloe: So if the story stands, we’re looking for someone in health care… doctor, pharmacist. I’m gonna go through these booking sheets for anyone in the medical industry that’s been charged in the last couple years.

Lucifer: Right.

Chloe: Feel free to jump in and help me. (Hands him a stack of papers.)

Lucifer: (groans) Joy of joys. Oh, there is one thing that might help.

Chloe: Yeah, what’s that?

Lucifer: (he says under his breath) Bobby B. (as he looks at a picture from the TV show set that shows the property manager/nurse with her name tag that reads: “Roberta Beliard”)

Chloe: What’s that?

Lucifer: (still talking to himself) She was like a mother to her. (His eyes flash red) I have some issues that I need to work out, and I think I know just how to do it. (He stands up and as he leaves)

Chloe: (confused she watches him leave) What?

(Maze laughing as boy is now running, still tied in ropes but covered in yellow feathers.)

Maze: Oh…

Boy: What is wrong with you people! You people are nuts! (He passes Amenadiel coming down on his way up the stairs.)

Maze: (chuckles)

Amenadiel: So you’re back.

Maze: I’m here. I wouldn’t say I’m back.

Amenadiel: You know I was looking for you, right? After what happened? (referring to healing him with Lucifer’s wing feather)Maze, what you did for me was… (laughs softly) But you were gone.

Maze: I needed to get away from Lucifer. And you. I need to figure out where I fit in in this world. And to do that, I need some space. From the both of you.

Amenadiel: Yeah. No, I mean, I was… feeling the same thing, you know? I think some distance between us might be a good thing.

Chloe: Hey, can I ask you a question?

Ella: Shoot.

Chloe: Do you really believe in God?

Ella: Whoa. I was expecting more like, “Hey, Ella, what’s it like moving from Detroit to L.A.?” “Hey, Ella, how’d you survive growing up with four brothers?” But the big “G” question right off the top… Did not see that coming.

Chloe: Okay, sorry, it’s inappropriate.

Ella: Oh, no, no, no. I actually really like talking about it. It’s my faith. It’s kind of a big part of my life. So, uh, yeah, sure. Uh, hit me.

Chloe: Okay. Do you believe that it all really exists?

Ella: What do you mean?

Chloe: Say, angels. Or the Devil. That sort of thing. That’s all a metaphor, right?

Ella: Maybe. Maybe not.

Chloe: Oh, okay. That’s pretty… I just thought there would be more faith in your faith, I guess.

Ella: Oh. No, see, my aunt was a nun, okay? And she always taught me that doubt was really important. Right? I mean, if you don’t question something, then what’s the point of believing it?

Chloe: Mm-hmm.

Ella: I doubt so that I can believe.

Chloe: So, then, if you had the chance to prove it was all real or fake, would you do it?

Ella: I mean, that kind of defeats the point, don’t you think? It’s faith… (Has an unrelated insight about the case) Roses.

Chloe: What? What do roses have to do with faith?

Ella: No, nothing to do with faith. And everything to do with the case. Um, okay, so I-I found nitrogen, right, on the rods in the victim’s head, and-and it got me thinking. It could be almost anything. And then I found the capital “K.”

Chloe: Capital “K”?

Ella: Potassium? Periodic table?

Chloe: Why don’t you just skip to the end?

Ella: And… rose fertilizer. Which also has nitrogen.

Chloe: So the rods were taken from a garden.

Ella: Exactly. Garden tools, lawn accessories…

Chloe: Like flamingos.

Ella: Well, yeah, I mean, that’s oddly specific, but, yeah, flamingos…

Chloe: Thank you. Thank you.

(Lucifer knocks on her front door, Roberta answers.)

Roberta: (pleasantly) Mr. Morningstar.

Lucifer: Hello, murderer.

Roberta: Murderer? (Lucifer walks past her into living room, Roberta shuts the door) I don’t… I don’t understand.

Lucifer: Oh, Roberta, can we skip the boring part where you deny it and just, uh… Let’s get to the good stuff, shall we? Does it help if I call you Bobby B.?

Roberta: What are you talking about?

Lucifer: Oh. Oh, it’s very simple. You stole drugs from the hospital and sold them to Amy Dodd, your biggest client, who you met on set. You introduced Gillian to Amy, got her the job. But then she helped Amy get sober. You felt betrayed, yadda yadda yadda, you killed her. Then you tried to frame her new dealer. Am I getting close?

Roberta: That’s ludicrous.

Lucifer: No. No, what’s ludicrous is that you were like a mother to her, and you sacrificed her like she was nothing. Did she mean so little to you in the end? Really? Tell me, why would you do that? Why?

Roberta: You need to go now.

Lucifer: Tell me, why?

Roberta: Stay back.

Lucifer: You plunged two rods into her skull to make her look like the Devil. But, you know what, she’s not the Devil… I am.

(Roberta picks up a fireplace poker)

Lucifer: Oh, ho, ho, ho! There we go! I love a game of poker. (Thinking he’s invulnerable) Go on, I’ll give you a freebie, just to make it interesting.

(Roberta swings the poker hard, hitting Lucifer in the face. He grunts, stunned and drops to the floor panting.)

Lucifer: How is this possi…?

(Robert takes another swing at him as he’s on the floor but he rolls to the side avoiding the blow. Shaken, he pulls himself up on nearby shelving.) All right. Okay. Can we just… (grunts) have a-a time-out, please?

(With all her might, Robert gives him another blow across his head. He drops to the floor. She stands behind him and puts the poker across his throat and pulls. He tries to pull it away but can not.)

Lucifer: Is this a supernatural fire poker? How is this possible?

(knocking on front door.)

Chloe: Mrs. Beliard, it’s Detective Decker.

Lucifer: Bloody hell. Of course she’s here. (he tries to call out but he can barely speak) Detective! Detective, you need to leave.

Roberta: It’s gonna be over real soon.

Lucifer: (choking)

Chloe: I know someone’s in there. I can wait out here all day.

Roberta: I took in that girl and I gave her a job and then she cut me off from my best customer. So, yeah, I put three inches of steel into her brain. And I actually liked her.

Lucifer: (groans) Please. Please don’t… (grunts) please…

Roberta: What? What, you’re gonna beg for your life, huh?

Lucifer: …don’t tell anyone… (grunts) that I died like this. (choking) (panting) Just… (coughs)

(Roberta seems to have a moment of weakness and decides to let Lucifer go. Lucifer weakly stands up and puts up his fists. Roberta raises the poker over her head for another swing then starts to shake violently and we hear a Taser clicking. We see Chloe now inside the room holding the Taser. Roberta drops to the floor unconscious.)

Lucifer: Nearly had her. (grunts)

Chloe: Yeah.

(Chloe is still holding the Taser. As Lucifer walks by her he reaches out and pulls the Taser trigger again making Roberta convulse on the floor.)

(Siren wailing in distance. Roberta is handcuffed and being taken from her house by officers.)

Lucifer: (to Chloe) I’m never living this down, am I?

Chloe: Not if I have anything to say about it. You know, you weren’t there when Ella’s forensic report pointed us at Roberta. So how’d you put this together?

Lucifer: Well, I was on the Devil’s business, Detective. (chuckles) Look, even if I told you, you’d just say I was being crazy.

Chloe: Hmm. That’s funny. That’s what your brother was just saying about you.

Lucifer: Oh. Amenadiel talked to you, did he?

Chloe: He did. He explained everything. Was very impressive. Filled in all the gaps.

Lucifer: But?

Chloe: (sighs) But I don’t buy it. I don’t accept that you’re crazy, and I don’t accept this “Devil’s business” either.

Lucifer: All right, so what do you believe?

Chloe: That I need the eggs.

Lucifer: Excuse me?

Chloe: It’s an old joke. Guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office, he goes, “Doc, you got to help me. My brother’s crazy. He thinks he’s a chicken.” (chuckles) And the doc goes, “Well, why don’t you turn him in?” The guy goes, “You know, I would, but I need the eggs.”

Lucifer: That’s not very funny.

Chloe: Yeah. (sighs) Look, I don’t know what your deal is, but you make me a better detective. And you’ve always got my back. What more could I ask for?

Lucifer: And you need the eggs.

Chloe: Damn right I do.

(knocking on door and Lucifer walks in.)

Dr. Linda: Lucifer. We don’t have an appointment.

Lucifer: No. No, we don’t. I, uh… I just wanted to drop by and say… thank you.

Dr. Linda: And why’s that?

Lucifer: Because you were right. I’ve been blaming everybody else for the situation I’m in. And the fact of the matter is that… (sighs) I chose to do nothing when my mother was cast out. To never ask her why she did what she did. So that’s on me.

Dr. Linda: That’s good, Lucifer.

Lucifer: No. No, it’s not. (He motions for her to sit in he chair and he sits on the sofa)

Dr. Linda: Why do you say that?

Lucifer: Well, I’ve assumed a lot about my mother, including the fact that she wants revenge for what I did to her.

Dr. Linda: And now she doesn’t?

Lucifer: Well, it doesn’t appear so, no.

Dr. Linda: And why is that a bad thing?

Lucifer: Well, because, Doctor, if she’s not coming to kill me, then I don’t know what she’s doing. And… (sighs) …that’s truly terrifying.

(Lucifer plays piano and sings “All Along the Watchtower” )

(Lucifer drives the streets of LA in his Corvette.)

(Chloe takes Lucifer’s blood sample out of her desk drawer. Looks at it considering what to do. Then throws it in the trash can.)

(Outside with the cityscape behind him, Amenadiel sits alone and practices slowing time, which is does but only for a moment.)

(Maze stands in LUX looking sad. Then Dr. Linda comes up to Maze and she looks very happy to see Linda. They hug.)

(At the precinct Chloe stands up to leave and sees Dan standing across the room. They look at each other for a long moment. He looks a little embarrassed. They both walk away in opposite directions.)

(Inside the penthouse, Lucifer plays and sings by himself.)

(As Lucifer ends the song the elevator bell dings and the doors slide open)

Lucifer: (Only half looking he says) Oh. Didn’t realize I had an audience. Is there anything I can do for you?

(He now sees an attractive woman who is wearing nice clothes but is obvious hurt and disheveled. She staggers from the elevator and looks at him.)

Goddess: (panting) Lucifer.

Lucifer: Mum.

Goddess: Help me.

(Panting she falls into his arms and passes out.)