S2 Ep02: Liar, Liar, Slutty Dress on Fire

13 August 2021 / 13 August 2021 by Victoria

(Busy LA sidewalk outside Trans Mystique. A concerned crowd has gathered around an overweight, a middle-aged man lays on his back, eyes closed.)

Woman in crowd: Hello? Are you okay? He just collapsed.

Man in crowd: Does anyone know CPR?

Woman in crowd: No, I don’t know. Hello? Are you okay?

Man in crowd: Call 911!

Woman in crowd: Uh, heart attack maybe? I think he might be dead.

(Man suddenly opens his eyes and quickly stands up. Crowd gasps)

Woman: Sir? Sir?

(Man is disoriented and staggers around shouting)

Man: Lucifer?

Woman in crowd: Sir, are you okay?

Man: Lucifer? Where are you?

Woman in crowd: Sir, are you okay?

(Man walks backward into the street)

Man: Has anyone seen Lucifer?

(Horn blaring, a city bus hits the man. people screaming.)

(We fly through the air to another part of the city. Gunshots are heard.)

(A gunfight between rival gangs is in progress. A gang member lays on the ground, dead. Suddenly his eyes open and he gasps for air.)

Gang Member: Lucifer. I need to find Lucifer.

Rival Gang Member: Man. Thought I killed your ass. (He raises his weapon and shoots.)

(Again we fly around the city and into a nice hotel suite. An attractive woman is laying on the living room floor.)

(The woman opens her eyes, gasps, and pants. She stands up in obvious pain. Cell phone rings, echoing in the distance. Ringing continues. The woman picks up the phone and the call goes on speakerphone.)

Girl (over the phone): Hey, Mom? Mommy…

(The woman takes the lid off an ice bucket and buries the phone in the ice and puts the lid back on. Still, in pain, she staggers to a mirror. We can now see a screwdriver sticking out of the back of her neck. She slowly and painfully reaches up and removes the screwdriver. Moments later we see the wound on her neck heal itself. Feeling better she says to herself…)

Goddess: Lucifer.

(Lucifer is sitting, listening to The Goddess, who is pacing holding the screwdriver, the back of her blouse shows dried blood that ran from her wound. She continues to tell Lucifer how she got here.)

Goddess: And that’s when I started looking for you, son. At least I’ve managed to keep this flesh sack in one piece. It has not been easy. Quite a few of the male species have been eying me hungrily. Do humans eat their own? Well, say something. Aren’t you glad to see me? I apologize for my human form, but… at least this one has supreme hindquarters.

Lucifer: (snatches the screwdriver from her hand)You’re lying.

Goddess: No. They’re quite sturdy. Feel it. (Turns to show him.)

Lucifer: (Disgusted he stands up) I wasn’t referring, nor will I ever refer, to your butt, Mother. I simply don’t believe your wounded bird story. You’re the goddess of all creation.

Goddess: Not anymore, unfortunately. Now I’m just trapped in this stinky human with the exceptional ass. I swear, all I’ve done for three days is wander this cesspool, asking these vacuous cretins how to find you.

(Lucifer now stands in front of his bar. He closes his eyes and raises his hands in prayer.)

Goddess: What are you doing?

Lucifer: Calling Amenadiel.

Goddess: Oh! Wonderful. He’s here, too?

Lucifer: Yes. And he’ll be the one taking you back to Hell, so…

Goddess: What?! (She repeated slaps at Lucifer’s hands to make him stop.) Why?

Lucifer: Because you’re dangerous and terrifying.

Goddess: I promise you I’m not here to hurt anyone.

Lucifer: (laughs)

Goddess: You have to believe me. My entire focus has been on finding you, son.

Lucifer: So you can eviscerate me? Got it.

Goddess: No. We’ve wasted enough time being… estranged. I’d do anything to rectify that now.

Lucifer: Sure you don’t mean “revenge that”?

Goddess: Lucifer, your father put me in Hell. Not you. I know that.

Lucifer: Yes. But I was your warden.

Goddess: Not by choice. We were both wronged. (coyly) But you could have at least visited me.

Lucifer: (laughs) Oh, I’m sorry. When Dad cast me out, who stood by and did nothing? Hint: it’s a palindrome for “mum.”

Goddess: Well, maybe if you had talked to me in Hell instead of sending your little demon torturer, I could’ve explained the whole thing.

Lucifer: You’re right, you’re right. But I’m here now, so by all means, explain.

Goddess: (sighs) You wouldn’t believe me. I know how suspicious and untrusting you are.

Lucifer: You don’t know anything about me.

Goddess: Lucifer. I’m your mother.

Lucifer: Not for a very, very long time.

Goddess: Well, I want to be now.

Lucifer: Then I’m going to need you to prove your little origin story to me. We’ll retrace your steps. If I don’t find a trail of bloodshed and carnage, then perhaps I’ll believe you.

Goddess: Fine. We’ll begin where I found the tiny spear in my neck.

Lucifer: Fine. Hmm. Gonna need to get you some clean clothes. Humans tend to frown at the sight of blood.

Goddess: Yes. I’ve noticed.

(Door opens. The Goddess enters in front of Lucifer. She is wearing very tight, short, and provocative clothing and very high heels. Door closes. Goddess bends over to pick up the “Do Not Disturb Sign” Lucifer threw on the floor.)

Lucifer: Uh, just leave it, would you? Gosh, perhaps we shouldn’t have borrowed from Maze. Her clothing is insufficient.

(Lucifer examines the crime scene as they speak.)

Goddess: Yes. Half my hide is exposed. Human attire is very impractical. They’re morons, aren’t they?

Lucifer: Oh. So you admit you revile them?

Goddess: To revile them would be to care about them, which I do not.

(She points to the ice bucket on the kitchen counter. He walks over, opens the lid, sees the phone, and pops the lid back on angry that she was right about the phone. She smiles.)

Lucifer: Then all those rumors about why Dad sent you to Hell… the plagues, the floods… they weren’t you? (He walks past her towards the bedroom.)

Goddess: Well…

Lucifer: Yeah. That’s what I thought.

Goddess: I was angry. But humans weren’t the reason your father and I were fighting. (Under her breath) At least, not then.

Lucifer: Uh, Mum?

Goddess: Hmm? (She follows Lucifer into the bedroom)

Lucifer: I think you left out a minor detail.

(We now see a young man lying dead on the bed.)

Goddess: Oh, dear.

Lucifer: Liar, liar, slutty dress on fire, Mother.

Goddess: Whoever destroyed my human suit must have killed this little imp as well, it’s obvious. (He laughs disbelievingly) Lucifer, honey, why would I bring you here just to disprove my story?

Lucifer: I don’t know. But that’s exactly what I’m going to find out.

(knocking on door)

Man: Management.

(Goddess shrugs and goes to answer the door. Lucifer stops her.)

Lucifer: Don’t… Wait! Wait.

Goddess: Why?

Lucifer: Because there is a dead man lying on the bed. Humans don’t like that sort of thing.

Goddess: Fine. Then let’s fly out the window. (She tried to jump into his arms.)

Lucifer: What… I don’t have wings anymore, Mum.

Goddess: What?

Lucifer: It’s a long story. (He opens a side door and enters) Come on. This way.

Room Service: Management. (Front door unlocks and management enters.)

Lucifer: Yeah, this way.

(Lucifer leads Goddess away from the hotel and towards his car.)

Goddess: What happened to your wings, son?

Lucifer: I cut them off.

Goddess: Why would you…? I mean, come to Earth, get a haircut or something, but that’s a little extreme.

(A man passes them in the alleyway, eyes The Goddess seductively, then follows them.)

Man: Hey, bud. Can I tag in next?

Lucifer: Excuse me?

Man: With the lady. How much?

Lucifer: (continues to walk and says dismissively to The Goddess) This one you could kill. (The Goddess steps forward and looks at the man with the intent to kill. Lucifer grabs her arm and walks her towards his car) Come on. I’m joking! I’m joking, Mother. Gosh. (getting into drivers’ side of Corvette) You’re gonna have to lose those clothes. They’re a serious problem. Taking you home, ’cause this being out in public thing obviously isn’t working. And then I’m gonna see my colleague… (He turns to see her standing next to the passenger car door, naked.) Mum!

Goddess: Yes?

Lucifer: You’re naked!

Goddess: Well, you said the clothes were a problem, so problem solved.

Lucifer: Get in the bloody car, will you?! God. (He takes off his jacket and lays it over her) Traumatized for eternity now, so thank you very much for that.

(engine starts, tires screeching)

(elevator bell dings, Lucifer gets out)

Lucifer: Maze?

(Maze descends the steps from the bedroom with a luggage bag.) Ah, good, you’re still here. I have a job for you.

Maze: On my way out, Lucifer. No more jobs.

Lucifer: Yes, yes, I know. You don’t work for me anymore. Very clear. But I have a feeling you’re gonna love this one. Just think of it as a parting gift. (He reaches into the elevator and takes The Goddess, who is wearing only Lucifer’s jacket, by the arm and walks her in front of Maze. ) Come on. (clears throat)

Goddess: Hello, Mazikeen.

Maze: (surprised) Is that her?

Lucifer: Mm-hmm.

Maze: In a human body?

Lucifer: (chuckles)

Goddess: Well, unfortunately.

Maze: (walking forward with determination) For you.

Lucifer:(he stops Maze) I appreciate your enthusiasm, Maze, but hands-off.

Maze: What? You’re kidding. (Goddess smiles) Millennia, Lucifer… with no physical form. (chuckles) But now… …look at all that flesh.

Lucifer: Yes, but sorry, dear. No torture. Just don’t let her out of your sight. (Goddess walks to the bar) Until I’ve worked out whether she’s lying or not, she can’t be trusted.

Maze: You want me to babysit?

Lucifer: Well, my-mum-in-the-body-of-a-disturbingly-hot-woman-sit, but yes, for now.

(The Goddess has poured herself a drink at the bar. Her tongue clicks in approval of the taste.)

(Chloe, looking stern, enters the room. Dan is already there also looking stern. Chloe sits and places a doll on the table that has been marked up and damaged.)

Trixie: Mmm. I was just trying to give Tammy Twinkletoes a makeover.

(Amused, Dan smiles. Chloe, annoyed with him, stares at Dan.)

Dan: Honey, you… you popped out her eye. (he sits)

Trixie: (trying to sound sincere) Yeah. That was an accident.

Lucifer: (over the intercom in the observation room) Well, I think she looks rather fetching.

Chloe: (surprised) Lucifer.

Lucifer: Hello, Detective. Sir Douche. Offspring.

Chloe: (to Lucifer) You know, I bet you’re actually behind this, aren’t you?

Lucifer: Sadly, no. Can’t take the credit, but I do approve. Can we get to work now, please? I’m just wondering if there’s any fresh homicides popped up. (Chloe sighs)

Lucifer: Ooh, you know, when you make that face, you look a bit like the doll.

(Chloe scoffs, gets up, and heads out of the room. Inside the observation room, Lucifer humming dance beat and repeatedly flickers the interrogation room lights off and on.)

Lucifer: Hey. Ah, look. You can disco a bad guy into confessing.

Chloe: This isn’t a game; this is parenting. And it’s important. She mutilated Tammy Twinkletoes.

Lucifer: And I’m sure there’s a real mutilation out there to solve as we speak. Something that screams “crazed witchy woman on a rampage” perhaps?

Chloe: What? Not that I know of. Okay, I’m gonna go back in there. (She leaves the observation room with Lucifer following her)

Lucifer: Detective! Just a doll. I don’t know what all the fuss is about.

Chloe: (stops at her desk) It’s not just a doll, it’s manipulation.

Lucifer: What?

Chloe: Trixie’s best friend Landa got a new All-American doll, and now Trixie wants one. So what does she do? She destroys her old doll, expecting me to replace it.

Lucifer: Mm, impressive. But, then, I’d expect nothing less from the shrewd little minx. Why don’t you comply, then we can get on, yes?

Chloe: No. And I’d appreciate it if you don’t undermine my authority.

Lucifer: But you’re being a bad mother. Abandon the child in its time of need, and it won’t trust you in the future. Is that what you want, Detective?

(Chloe answers her phone)

Chloe: Decker. (sighs) Yeah. Got it. New case. Hotel Gleam.

Lucifer: Ah, finally! Fantastic news. (he turns and hurries off towards the exit.)

(Chloe examines the man lying dead on the bed.)

Chloe: He’s practically a kid.

Ella: Yeah, 19 or so.

Chloe: How long has he been here?

Ella: I don’t know, maybe a few days. Guess the maid really took the “do not disturb” sign seriously. Cause of death, a single puncture wound to the neck. I’m thinking ice pick.

Lucifer: (Who is watching from the doorway) Or a screwdriver, perhaps. Five-inch, head?

Ella: Huh. Yeah. Maybe. You’re good.

Lucifer: I know. Detective, an interesting pool of blood through here.

(He walks into the living room with Chloe following. There is a dried blood pool and a single lady’s high heel on the floor.)

Chloe: I’m assuming it belongs to Cinderella here.

Lucifer: Cinderella? Sure we don’t mean evil stepmother?

Chloe: Really? Are we really still on the whole “my mother did it” thing? I thought she was responsible for our last murder. What, you’re just throwing homicides at her until one sticks?

Lucifer: No, I’m simply saying that the missing woman may well be our killer. A murderous psycho whose rampage started by impaling that poor lad.

Chloe: Okay, my guess is that this is an affair gone wrong. Jealous husband follows his cheating wife here. He kills the young lover, he wounds her, and then he drags her home or she escapes.

Lucifer: Definitely the latter.

Chloe: (sighs) Well, we would know more if she had left more than a shoe. (Lucifer remembers the phone in the ice bucket and moves to the kitchen) We don’t have a purse. No wallet, no keys.

Lucifer: Would the woman’s phone help?

Chloe: Well, yes, of course, but we don’t have…

Lucifer: (Takes the lid off the ice bucket, now full of ice, and gasps in fake disbelief) A phone!

Ella: Wow! (Ella comes over and takes a photo of the phone) Good eye, Luce! (He looks insulted by the informality of how she addressed him) …ifer. I’ll get this back to the lab. See if I can restore it.

Chloe: Yeah, fast as you can, Ella, we have to proceed as if this missing woman is still alive, okay?

Ella: Yeah.

Chloe: I don’t want to find another body.

Lucifer: Trust me, you will not find another body.

(Dan enters from an adjoining room)

Dan: I found a body. (Chloe and Lucifer look at each other)

(Ella explains her findings to Chloe, Lucifer, and Dan)

Ella: She’s a maid at the hotel. Explains why she didn’t find our dead guy. ‘Cause, you know, she was dead. Anyway, okay. No open wounds, so she’s definitely not our Cinderella who bled all over the place. You see the bruising and the semi-circular marks on her neck?

Chloe: Strangled.

Lucifer: Aha. Long fingernails, which means the killer’s female.

Ella: Not necessarily. I mean, the marks aren’t deep. It could just be a dude who’s not a serious man-groomer.

Lucifer: Come on. It’s so obvious, your Cinder-hellion had just plunged a screwdriver into the poor lad when she was interrupted by the chambermaid, who she then snuffed out with her bare hands.

Chloe: Chambermaid? Who’s the killer, Mrs. Peacock in the library with the candlestick?

Ella: I love that game.

Dan: I really don’t think it’s the missing woman, Lucifer. It’s a little unusual for a woman to strangle someone.

Lucifer: But look at the size of the bruising, clearly not man hands.

Ella: I’ve seen some guys with some pretty tiny lady hands.
Lucifer: Dan doesn’t count.

Dan: Come on.

Chloe: Okay, regardless, the maid’s death wasn’t planned.

Dan: I still think we’re looking at a third party… someone attacking the couple when the maid entered. The killer then dragged the maid into the bedroom, where they struggled until he finally managed to strangle her.

Chloe: Which gave our Cinderella time to get the hell out of there.

Lucifer: I couldn’t agree less. And she needs to go straight to Hell as soon as possible. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to make a call. (he walks to the far corner of the room with his back to the others)

Chloe: (to Ella) Oh, did we get anything on that cell phone?

Ella: Oh, right! Uh, totally forgot. No, no. Could not recover anything from the SIM card. Water and phones, bad news. I dropped mine in the toilet once… that sucked. Damn. So much for that. Had to reach in, I didn’t have my gloves. (Ella realizes she is over-sharing and goes back to evidence.) Uh, no. No, ’cause I did get a serial number off of it, so I know who bought it, at least. Richards and Wheeler. High-end law firm in Beverly Hills.

Chloe: (trying to be kind to the newbie) Cool. Next time, if you want, you know, you can just lead with that information. If you want.

(Ella goes to the side of the room where Lucifer is still standing)

Dan: (to Chloe) Okay, boss, where do you want me?

Chloe: I’m not your boss, I’m just, you know, kind of…

Dan: My boss. It’s okay, Chloe. I’ve accepted my demotion like a big boy. And besides, it’s kind of hot when you give me orders. (Chloe is not amused. Ella is watching their exchange with interest.) Sorry. Old habits.

Chloe: Why don’t you start with missing persons, see if there are any new leads on our Cinderella. Lucifer and I will go to the law firm.

Dan: Okay.

Chloe: Okay. Lucifer. Lucifer.

Lucifer: Hmm? (He turns towards her and we can see his hands are raised in prayer.)

Chloe: Oh. Uh, are you praying or…?

Lucifer: Yes. Usually works. He must’ve gone for a wank or something. (Chloe leaves the room. Lucifer sighs and turns back around and talks out loud to himself. Ella goes to get something near Lucifer and hears him talking to himself) Come on, Amenadiel, where are you? Hello? Is this thing on?

Ella: (to Lucifer) I keep waiting for God to talk back to me, too. But you know what, don’t get discouraged, okay? He is listening, it’s just a one-way intercom kind of deal. (she slaps Lucifer on his back)

Lucifer: (goes back to praying) Come on, brother, where are you?

(Amenadiel is standing, hunched over his desk, scouring old books and ancient texts. His door is open. Linda appears in the doorway and gently knocks.)

Amenadiel: (barely looking at her) Linda. (He continues what he is doing as she enters the room)

Dr. Linda: (with snark in her voice) Surprised to see you’re still coming in. I mean, after all, this is a… a real facility for real therapists with real patients.

Amenadiel: Unfortunately, I can’t talk right now, Linda. I’ve got some research to do.

Dr. Linda: (sarcastically) Oh, sure, I bet. Learning more about psychiatry? Or is it time to switch it up? Be a lawyer maybe. Astronaut.

Amenadiel: (half looking at her) I understand. You’re upset that I told you I was a therapist.

Dr. Linda: Maybe you are one, ’cause your intuition’s uncanny.

Amenadiel: (turns to address her directly) Linda, listen. I did what I had to do, all right? Now, you wouldn’t understand this, but I was dealing with matters of great importance. I didn’t have a choice.

Dr. Linda: (intense and angry) Yes, you did. You used me. You didn’t have to do that. I’m used to my patients lying to me, not my colleagues. Not my friends. I confided in you, trusted you. And you betrayed that trust.

Amenadiel: It is difficult to explain, but things have been very trying for me.

Dr. Linda: Mm-hmm. Maybe if you didn’t think so much about yourself and more about how you treat others, things wouldn’t be so trying. It’s called karma. Might want to research that.

(Dr. Linda tries to make a grand exit and attempts to slam the door on her way out but the door gets stuck on the doormat and she has an awkward moment trying to get the door closed.)

(Lucifer and Chloe enter the area. Chloe explains to Lucifer the best way to proceed with gathering the information they need for the case.)

Chloe: All right, the most effective way to do this is with a discreet and systematic approach.

Lucifer: Understood.

Chloe: We can start with the partners and then…

Lucifer: (loudly so everyone can hear him) Attention, lawyers! Hello! Hello. Attention, please. (holding up the cell phone they found at the crime scene) Uh, now, does anyone recognize this critical piece of evidence found at a gruesome crime scene?

Lawyer: Yeah. See? That’s our corporate-issue phone. We all have one. That could be anybodys.

Lucifer: Right. (holding up the Cinderella shoe in an evidence bag) What about this Louboutin power pump with the ombré finish in a size, uh… seven? Six, U.K.

Chloe: (tries to get him to stand down) Lucifer…

Wheeler: Oh, my God. Th-That’s Charlotte’s shoe. Is she okay?

Lucifer: Prince Charming, I presume.

Bradley: Richards. Charlotte Richards. She’s the owner of this firm. When she didn’t come into the office, I just… assumed she was out of town on a case.

Chloe: (showing him a photo of the dead man) Was this man involved in any of those cases, by chance?

Bradley: Oh, my God, is he…?

Lucifer: Dead as a doornail. Yes. Or in this case, a door screw, ’cause the hole in his neck’s from a screwdriver. And I happen to think that Charlotte may well have done…

Chloe: (interrupts Lucifer so he does not offer too much information) Could provide us with more… information on his death.

Bradley: Well, I-I don’t recognize him. Wait, does that mean you think Charlotte is alive?

Lucifer: Define “alive.”

Chloe: When was the last time you saw her?

Bradley: (slowly he breaks into an “ugly cry”) I did this! Oh, Charlotte, I’m so sorry!

Lucifer: All right, Bradley, listen up, ’cause I’ve got personal trust issues at stake here. Brad, look at me. (Lucifer does his mojo) Did you want Charlotte gone?

Bradley: No. No. That’s the last thing I wanted.

Lucifer: Right. Then what do you desire?

Bradley: T-To be with Charlotte. We were in love.

Chloe: Mr. Wheeler, um, would Charlotte maybe have, um… also… slept with the guy in the photo?

Bradley: (insistent and confidently) No. We were completely monogamous. She wouldn’t even sleep with her own husband.

Chloe: She was married already?

Bradley: Yeah, but she hated that guy.

(Mr. Richards is unshaven and wearing dirty disheveled pajamas, robe, and Crocs)

Mr. Richards: Sorry about the mess.

Lucifer: I’m sorry about those shoes.

Mr. Richards: Excuse me?

Chloe: Mr. Richards, when was the last time your wife was home?

Mr. Richards: Oh, God, uh… Three days ago, maybe.

Chloe: You didn’t file a missing person’s report?

Mr. Richards: She’s always traveling. Doesn’t always tell me when.

Lucifer: Did she tell you she was bonking her associate Bradley?

Chloe: (whispers) Lucifer. (then turns to Mr. Richards) Did she?

Mr. Richards: I knew. What could I do?

Lucifer: Well, one option would be to stab her in the neck with a screwdriver.

Chloe: Do you recognize this man? (shows him the photo of the dead man)

Mr. Richards: Oh, God. Uh… h-he came by the house with a package for Charlotte, uh, last week. Pretty sure it was, like, a work thing.

Lucifer: Well, it depends what kind of package, doesn’t it?

Mr. Richards: Uh, I-is Charlotte all right?

Chloe: Can you account for the last three days?

Mr. Richards: Yeah. I’ve been up to my ears in puke. My kids are homesick. Uh, I haven’t left the house since Monday.

Lucifer: And not showered since I see.

Chloe: Are your children home? I’d like to confirm with them. Yeah, sure. (Chloe goes down the hall to the children’s rooms) Uh, just down the hall, and, uh, uh…

(Lucifer has circled Mr. Richards eyeing him closely)

Lucifer: When exactly did you surrender your manhood?

Mr. Richards: Excuse me?

Lucifer: I mean, I’m all for stay-at-home dads, and believe me, I personally commend you for not abandoning your children, but that’s still no reason to give up.

Mr. Richards: Oh, I-I… I haven’t given up. I’m…

Lucifer: Mr. Richards, you have an entire slice of salami stuck to your shirt.

Mr. Richards: Oh, God.

Lucifer: (sighs) Come on. Where’s your closet? Up here?

(Upstairs in the master bedroom Lucifer stands before a wall of open closet doors)

Lucifer: (pulls Crocs off a shelf and Mr. Richards picks some up) Mm. Oh, goody. They come in more colors. There’s only one body part rubber should be worn on.

Mr. Richards: Oh!

Lucifer: Not that you’d know. You’ve clearly castrated yourself. But don’t worry. I’m here to help. Hawaiian print? The eighth deadly sin. (throws them on the floor and Mr. Richards picks a few shirts up and holds them) Out. Dave Matthews tribute tank. Now I’m doubting your sanity. (throw them also) What have we got? Ah! Here we go. (finds a black zippered garment bag) This is more promising. Not worn since the…?

Mr. Richards: Wedding.

Lucifer: That’s what I thought, right. Let’s have a look. Come on. Come on! (the zipper is stuck so he tries it several times with more force until the bag rips open and white powered flies all over Lucifer) Is that, uh… Cocaine! (laughs) Oh, and the good stuff, as well. (Chloe enters bedroom) Ah, Detective, welcome to the party.

(The Goddess is intently watching an old black and white commercial on a flat-screen TV)

Commercial Announcer: Ready in a minute. You know, feeding a whole ball team isn’t too big a job when you have macaroni and cheese dinner handy. Okay, boys, come and get it!

Goddess: (calling out) Mazikeen, what is this strange gooey substance that this boy is cooing about?

Maze: (in distance) You watching p0rn? (groans)

Goddess: (We now see The Goddess is shackled in chains to the sofa. She finds a corporate gold credit card and asks Maze) What is this?

Maze: It’s like money. Humans use it to buy things they can’t afford.

Goddess: (sighs) Wish I’d found this before I ate out of those street bins. (shudders) Humans are silly animals, aren’t they? Weak. Fragile.

Maze: That’s what I’m counting on. (she rolls out a leather case full of implements of torture) Now… where were we?

Goddess: (sighs as if bored)

(computer trilling. Chloe is examining a wrapped kilo of the cocaine Lucifer found from a couple of dozen kilos piled on the table.)

Dan: (coming into the room carrying a cardboard box, he whistles and sets the box on the table) That’s a lot of coke. Think the attorney’s husband was dealing?

Chloe: I don’t think he’s the entrepreneurial type. Thinking maybe the lawyer was. Doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but it would explain why she ended up bleeding in that hotel room.

Dan: Well, maybe the kid was her street dealer or something. Yeah, maybe. Anyhow, Ella got a big fat print off the plastic. I’m running it through AFIS now. What’s with the box?

Dan: Delivery for you.

Chloe: What?

Dan: Yeah.

Chloe: (she opens the box and pulls out the American Girl doll Trixie wanted) Dan, I thought we talked about this. A united front, especially now.

Dan: Hey, don’t look at me.

Lucifer: (entering the lab he says excitedly) Oh, she’s here! Lovely. Did the mini kitchen come, too?

Chloe: Lucifer, you shouldn’t have gotten her the doll.

Lucifer: It’s fine. You can say it’s from you.

(computer beeping and information appears on the screen about to whom the fingerprints belong)

Lucifer: Oh. Hello.

Dan: Luis Mendoza. He’s a known associate of drug kingpin Victor Perez. He’s a scary dude.

Chloe: Smart though, to partner up with a high-powered defense attorney.

Dan: Which would explain why he’s eluded the FBI for years. I have a friend in the Bureau. I’ll call him, I’ll see what I can find out. (Dan leaves the lab)

Chloe: Thank you.

Lucifer: (looking inside the box) Mm-hmm. Oh, look, she comes with an adorable little chocolate cake. Your child’s favorite.

Chloe: I will deal with you later. (she picks up the box and leaves the lav)

Lucifer: You’re welcome. (sighs as he watches her leaves. Then looks around sneakily, eyes the kilos of cocaine on the table, he clears his throat) Eeny meeny miney… (Lucifer grabs one of the kilos and tucks it into his jacket and quickly leaves.)

(Maze is slowly sharpening a knife, scraping sounds)

Goddess: You are wasting your time, Mazikeen. You couldn’t break me in Hell. What makes you think you could do it here?

Maze: Maybe I couldn’t hurt you because you weren’t human. Well, now you are.

Goddess: No, it’s because I wasn’t guilty of anything. Hell gives the damned what they deserve. I didn’t deserve to be punished. And you know it.

Maze: No. I think it’s because I just didn’t find your weak spot. Everyone has one. Human bodies have several.

Goddess: Careful. This body only heals once, and Lucifer told you not to harm me.

Maze: You may have him confused right now, but he’s smart. He’ll come around, see you for who you really are.

Goddess: A mother who loves her son.

Maze: Loving mothers don’t abandon their sons.

Goddess: I threaten your relationship with him, don’t I?

Maze: (scoffs) Nice try.

Goddess: (laughs) Even though you say you’re on your way out, you’re still here doing his bidding. You need him. And if I stay, then he won’t need you.

Maze: Trust me, you won’t stay. Lucifer made a deal with your ex to take you back to Hell, and he doesn’t break deals. Don’t think he’d start with God.

Goddess: He made a deal? (she looks surprised and truly upset)

Maze: Wait. Is that a weak spot? (she leans in closer to The Goddess) Are those… tears?

(Suddenly The Goddess head-butts Maze, she grunts and passes out. The Goddess groans in pain but is still awake.)

(Chloe stands at her desk repackaging the doll Lucifer purchased as Lucifer walks up.)

Lucifer: Oh! You’re a bad mother.

Chloe: Really? I think you might be projecting a little bit.

Lucifer: (chuckles) Oh, really? How’s that?

Chloe: Well, you keep trying to pin murders on your own mother. I’m guessing you and her don’t have the best relationship. (she finishes sealing the cardboard box) There.

Lucifer: (holding up a small box she missed) At least I get to keep the cute little chocolate cake.

Chloe: Oh, come on.

(Dan enters with paperwork and some information about the case)

Dan: Talked to Agent Colburn. Charlotte wasn’t working for the cartel. She was working to bring it down. So was that poor kid. His name’s Marco Sanchez. (opens a folder showing a picture of the dead boy) Got in over his head with the cartel, was trying to make it right.

Chloe: So he was working with Charlotte and the FBI as an informant?

Dan: Trying to build a case against Perez, yeah. That’s why he and Charlotte were meeting at the hotel in secret. But look at this. Perez’s hitman is Jimmy the Carpenter. Want to take a guess at his M.O.?

Chloe: Screwdriver?

Dan: Boom.

Lucifer: (realizes The Goddess is not involved in the murder) So the woman isn’t a ball of homicidal fury.

Chloe: No. Perez is. Or his hitman anyway.

Lucifer: Right. Well, shall we arrest the Perez chap, then?

Dan: The FBI has been trying to do that for years. He’s Teflon. He launders everything through his tanning salon franchise.

Chloe: Yeah, we can’t risk derailing the FBI’s case.

Dan: We have to go through the court, and we have to get a warrant.

Chloe: I’ll see if I can rush one. Perez could have Charlotte now.

Lucifer: Ah, I doubt it.

Chloe: Well, if not, he’s after her.

Lucifer: (realizing The Goddess is in danger) I don’t doubt that. Yeah, why don’t you stay here and get the warrant? I think I’ve left the cooker on.

(Elevator bell dings and a hurried Lucifer enters to find Maze sitting at his bar drinking. There is an empty glass on the bar near here. Lucifer grabs a bottle and the glass and pours one for himself.)

Lucifer: Ah, lovely. You got one on the go. Right. New information, Maze. Seems Mum might not be a lying sack of savagery after all, but it also seems that she’s the target of a vicious cartel hitman. So you mustn’t let her leave the penthouse until this whole mess is resolved. Right-o?

Maze: (embarrassed) Your mom’s gone.

Lucifer: What? Well, how did that happen, Maze?

Maze: She tricked me, then head-butted me, then left. (sighs) Sorry.

Lucifer: Oh, well. Suppose the worst that could happen is that she’s brutally murdered. If so, she’ll just find a new body and run right back like a good mum, yeah?

Maze: Or not. (again embarrassed) I may have let the whole deal with God thing slip. So I think she might be running away.

Lucifer: So if she goes into a new body, we’ll never find her. Okay. Then we’ll just have to find her before that happens. I mean, how far can a celestial being trapped in a feeble human body for the first time get?

Maze: Well, let’s see. She’s stupid hot, wearing my clothes, and she’s got a corporate credit card.

Lucifer: Bollocks.

(Lucifer bounds through the front door)

Lucifer: Hello, chaps. Just looking for the head of a big drug cartel. Is he home?

(Walks past the front desk and down a hall of doors, popping his head into rooms as he goes.)

Lucifer: Vicky? Victor? Oh! Oh. Sorry, love. Vicky!

(Victor shouts from inside a tanning room. Lucifer opens the door to see Victor in a swimsuit laying on a tanning bed)

Lucifer: Ah. (laughs) Ah. Hello.

(One of Victor’s men rushes Lucifer from behind but Lucifer, unphased, Lucifer knocks him out with a raised fist.)

Lucifer: Mr. Perez, I need you to know that I’m not here to talk to you about your criminal drug enterprise. I’m here about Charlotte Richards.

(Another man enters and takes a swing, Lucifer ducks then easily knocks the second man down to the ground.) Are you, by chance, holding Charlotte prisoner? (The second man gets up and takes a swing at Lucifer who nonchalantly knocks him down again.)

Victor: Who?

(Lucifer pushes Victor back and closes the tanning bed door onto him holding him down.)

Lucifer: Right. I’ll take that as a no. Here’s my point.

(Victor groaning)

Lucifer: You may think that she’s dead, but she’s not, which is fine, because you also think that she’s still Charlotte, which she’s also not. Is that clear?

Victor: Ow!

Lucifer: I simply need you to promise to stay away from Charlotte Richards. Deal?

(A third man takes a run at Lucifer who grabs him and throws him through the wall revealing stacks of kilos of cocaine that rip open scattering a cloud of powder everywhere.)

Lucifer: Oh. Oh, look at that. Snowstorm in a tanning salon. How ironic.

(Just then Chloe and another officer enter, guns raised, after getting the search warrant. Victor stands with his hands raised.)

Lucifer: Oh. Detective. (Lucifer sucks some cocaine off his finger) I think Vicky here is ready for a little bit of show-and-tell. Emphasis on the show.

(Lucifer slaps Victor’s butt, Victor shouts.)

(Victor is sitting handcuffed to the table. Chloe sits opposite him and Dan stands nearby.)

Victor: (chuckles) Wait a second. You think I had him killed ’cause he’s a narc? Why would I do that? I was using him. Fed him bogus information on purpose. Had the FBI chasing after their own knobs. Kid was an asset. Be stupid to hurt him.

Dan: Well, you forgot to tell your buddy Jimmy the plan. Screwdriver to the neck.

Victor: The Carpenter? He’s dead. Did I throw a wrench in your works? Get it? Screwdriver? Wrench? It’s a whole theme. (laughing)

(Chloe leaves the interrogation room where Lucifer is waiting. She grabs her keys from her desk and heads toward the elevators with Lucifer by her side.)

Lucifer: Ah. How’s my little drug kingpin panini?

Chloe: Not our guy. We have to find someone connected to Marco and Charlotte that didn’t know Jimmy the Carpenter’s dead.

Lucifer: Well, Jimmy’s dead? Tragic.

Chloe: So assuming the whole cartel knows that it rules them out and points us to the only way that Charlotte and Marco are connected… the law firm.

(They wait for the elevator)

Lucifer: Two shakedowns in one day. I’m in.

Chloe: No more shakedowns, no more tanning booth shenanigans. You and I have been working together long enough for you to know how to follow protocol.

Lucifer: I’m sorry, Detective, but Charlotte’s in danger. We need to find her.

Chloe: How did she go from big bad wolf to little lost lamb?

Lucifer: Well, maybe she’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing, but right now she needs to return to the flock.

(A lawyer sits behind his desk while Chloe and Lucifer interview him.)

Lawyer: Yeah, I worked on that case. I work on every case that comes through here.

Chloe: Okay, but the Perez case was sensitive. You were the only one here besides Charlotte who knew about it. Which means you’re also the only one here who was aware of Jimmy the Carpenter’s methodology.

Lawyer: Wait. You don’t think that I…

Lucifer: Got handy with a screwdriver and tried to pin it on the Perez cartel? Yes. (chuckles)

Lawyer: That’s insane.

Chloe: What’s insane is a guy with a Harvard law degree still working as an associate.

Lucifer: Yes. Passed up for partner by old Tom Cruise out there. Guess you should’ve been slipping the boss your top gun. (Chloe shoots Lucifer a look to make him stop.)

Lawyer: If you’re suggesting that I killed an innocent kid and my boss… my mentor of 12 years… all out of professional jealousy, you’re crazy.

Lucifer: Hold on. I don’t believe that we mentioned two murders. I mean, we showed you the crime scene photo of Marco, but not Charlotte.

Chloe: Lucifer…

Lawyer: Well, given the information that you presented… the phone, the shoe… I just assumed that she was…

Lucifer: Dead? No. Just missing. (Chloe sighs in frustration) And if we find her alive, it’s gonna be very interesting to hear what she has to say about you, her loyal protégé.

Lawyer: This line of questioning is now over. Why don’t you go speak to my attorney? He’s two doors down.

(Lucifer follows Chloe through the offices on their way out of the law firm.)

Chloe: Why would you divulge privileged information to a guy who’s now clearly our lead suspect?

Lucifer: (saying the words but clearly not meaning them) Sorry. I’ll get that protocol thing down one day.

(The Goddess is pushing a shopping cart full to the brim with many types of cheeses. The lawyer is in his car, screwdriver in hand, waiting for her. He comes up behind her as she gets to her car.)

Lawyer: Why aren’t you dead?

Goddess: What? Who are you?

Lawyer: Don’t give me that, Charlotte. By the way, thanks for using the credit card we opened for the Perez case. Did you forget I’m the only one that has access to it? That I’m the only one who did anything for you at that hellhole?

Goddess: Hellhole? Are you a demon, too?

Lawyer: Why? Because I’m a little upset? Wouldn’t you be, too, if you got passed up by Wheeler with the big wiener?

Goddess: Oh, I know who you are now. You’re the one who killed me.

Lawyer: Well, apparently not. But I am now.

(The lawyer raises the screwdriver over his head planning to stab her with it when Lucifer appears behind him and grabs his arm, stopping him.)

Lucifer: Sorry. Can’t kill my mum.

(Lucifer takes the screwdriver and with the handle end butts the lawyer in the head disorienting the lawyer but still holding him upright against a car just as Chloe appears.)

Lawyer: Oh!

Chloe: Lucifer!

Lucifer: Detective. (he drops the screwdriver) If you’re gonna follow me following him, we should have just driven together. (Lucifer lets go of the lawyer who makes a break for it) Right, (Yelling after them as Chloe goes after the lawyer) you get him, Detective! (Lucifer picks up the screwdriver from the ground) I’ll stay here and protect the poor lady!

Goddess: Protect me? From what? (Lucifer stabs The Goddess in the arm with the screwdriver) Ow! What’d you do that for?

Lucifer: Well, the detective knows you’re alive now, so you’re gonna have to sell the whole Charlotte charade. Need to explain that blood pool somehow.

Goddess: Oh, you little…

Lucifer: Devil? Yes. But about that… we’ve never met until now, don’t know each other. I fear it’s too much for the detective to handle.

(Chloe now has caught the lawyer and has him pinned against a car)

Chloe: Well, it looks like she can handle quite a bit.

Lucifer: Yeah. (chuckles)

(The Goddess sees Lucifer is looking at Chloe. He is happy and proud. This seems to confuse The Goddess and she looks over towards Chloe with curiosity.)

(Indistinct police radio chatter and police are on the scene. The Goddess is sitting on the back of an ambulance having her arm bandaged and Lucifer stands by her. He leaves her to cross the aisle to talk to Chloe.)

Lucifer: (sighs) Well, it seems that wound was re-aggravated in all the hubbub. Poor woman.

Chloe: You want to tell me what the hell you were doing?

Lucifer: Well, leading the mouse to the cheese, of course. I mean, I was gonna be the cat, but then you showed up, so I suppose that makes you the dog.

Chloe: What am I gonna do with you?

Lucifer: Well, I can think of a few things. Might need a stretch first though.

Chloe: You need to follow the rules.

Lucifer: You tell me not to ravage suspects in front of you. Now I can’t do it behind your back either? I mean, make your mind up, Detective.

Chloe: No more buying my daughter $200 dolls.

Lucifer: Well, why not? You weren’t going to.

Chloe: I was teaching her a lesson.

Lucifer: Neglect 101. You’re abandoning her in her time of need, Detective.

Chloe: (long pause as she thinks before speaking) I don’t know what happened between you and your mother. And if you ever want to talk about it, I’m here for you. But listen to me. Doing what’s best for your child… it doesn’t always make ’em happy.

(Lucifer looks confused and then ponders what he has just heard.)

(door opens and Amenadiel walks in. Dr. Linda sits behind her desk.)

Amenadiel: I hate to interrupt so late, but, uh… I just wanted to apologize.

Dr. Linda: Oh?

Amenadiel: (speaking sincerely and from the heart) Yeah, you were right, Linda. You see, I really do have a lot to atone for. I’ve… made so many mistakes lately. But a big one was hurting you. I may have forged a friendship with you under false pretenses, yes. But I did consider you a friend. And I’m deeply sorry that I ruined that.

Dr. Linda: If anyone understands mistakes, it’s a therapist. Not that you’d know.

(Amenadiel chuckles. Linda sighs and stands.) Apology accepted.

Amenadiel: Thank you.

Dr. Linda: Night.

Amenadiel: Good night.

(Amenadiel turns and leaves closing the door behind him. Linda sighs)

(Amenadiel sadly enters his own fake therapist’s office and closes the door behind him and rests his back against the door for a long moment. Slowly he walks to the other side of the room and looks at himself in the mirror. He removes his sweat jacket to reveal his wings are decaying and falling apart. He raises his eyes to the heavens, sighs, then screams in frustration and anger.)

(Lucifer slouches on the sofa looking upwards and lost in thought. He does not hear the elevator bell ding or The Goddess enter wearing oven mitts and holding a casserole dish. She clears her throat to get his attention.)

Lucifer: What on earth is that?

Goddess: Cheesy noodles. It’s what mothers make to bring their children joy. I saw it on the flat-screen.

(At first confused, then Lucifer chuckles softly)

Lucifer: That explains all the cheese.

Goddess: (she sits down next to him and speaks softly and honestly) Lucifer… I wish, with all my being, that things could go back to the way things were. With you… and all my children again in Heaven. I want what your father took from me. I want my home back. But I know that’s not possible. So I want to do what I can (she reaches out and put a hand on his leg) to be a good mother to you here, on Earth.

Lucifer: (He looks at her for a long moment. He seems moved by her words. Then he picks up her hand and removes it from his leg.) It’s too late. You abandoned me, Mum. You just stood by and watched as I was cast out. Thrown into Hell and vilified for all eternity. (She looks at him and appears to be pleading with him with her eyes as she touches his hand.) There aren’t enough cheesy noodles in the universe to fix all that, I’m afraid.

(Lucifer stands up and walks out on the balcony. He takes a cigarette out of the case and holds it in his lips but does not light it. The Goddess follows him out and stands next to him. He looks at her.)

Goddess: Okay. (thunder rumbling softly) Your father never sent you to Hell. (He removes the cigarette from his lips) I did.

Lucifer: Oh, great. Much better.

Goddess: (she takes his hands. They look into each others’ eyes as she speaks.) I did it to save your life. After the rebellion, your father was angry. Deeply angry. He wanted to destroy you. I begged him not to. I asked him to send you to Hell instead. (she gently touches his face) I did it because I love you, son. And I always will. However… if you still need me to return me to Hell, I understand. You do what is right for you.

Lucifer: (scoffs) That’s very gracious of you, Mother.

Goddess: (chuckles and says with a little laugh in her voice) Okay, but please don’t send me back to Hell.

(they both chuckle)

Goddess: (seriously) But I meant the rest.

Lucifer: I know you did. (pauses to gather his thoughts, exhales) All right. All right, you can stay. (The Goddess smiles with relief) For now. Just until I… figure out what I need to do.

Goddess: (smiling) Thank you, son.

Lucifer: Yeah.

(Lucifer leaves the balcony and walks through the living room towards his bedroom. The Goddess is still on the balcony. She chuckles softly. Seriously she looks up to the heavens, smiles in a cunning and satisfying way then looks angry before she leaves the balcony and walks the other way toward the elevator.)