S2 Ep04: Lady Parts

17 August 2021 / 17 August 2021 by Victoria

(A drone is buzzing as we see the landscape from its onboard camera.)

(The drone begins to look unstable, lose altitude, and then crashes.)

Man: Damn it, Leroy.

(Two young men are hunting through the trees and bush for the drone. They find one of the propellers bent around a tree branch.)

Man: Damn it, Leroy.

(They continue searching the woods until they come upon the main section of the drone. Moving some branches out of the way they now see a woman lying dead on the ground.)

Man: Damn it, Leroy.

(Lucifer is happily pacing and playing a game on his phone.)

Lucifer: S-H-A-G. “Shag.” (laughs) Oh, eight points to me and suck it, Maze.

Dr. Linda: I see you have a new toy.

Lucifer: Oh, this? No, no, no. This is for work. It’s hard to believe I’ve never had one before.

Dr. Linda: I actually have a rule about… phones during session.

Lucifer: Really?

Dr. Linda: No phones during session.

Lucifer: Oh, why not? These things are incredibly therapeutic. 1,000 Tinder dates and s*x Words With Friends? Gosh, it’s more addictive than a whore’s navel cocaine.

Dr. Linda: Uh… (phone chimes)

Lucifer: Fine. (he puts the phone away) Oh! Lovely. Gummies. Love these. (grabs some Gummies from a bowl on the table then sees some hollow woven balls in a basket on the side table.) And, do you know, I’ve never understood these. Are they just decorative, or are they for juggling? I mean… (he starts juggling with three of them.)

Dr. Linda: Yeah, you seem very distracted today.

Lucifer: (he tosses one of the balls in the air and tries to have it land on the back of his neck.) Oi! Oh, nearly. Okay.

Dr. Linda: Sometimes, when we’re in crisis, we create distractions for ourselves, also known as barriers to facing our deepest fears.

Lucifer: Oh, sorry… right. This is the part where you, um, dissect my deep psychological wounds, eh? The emotion-charged gong show of a child of divorce who may or may not have broken a deal with his dad by allowing his mum to stay on Earth.

Dr. Linda: Mm. Has the visit with your mom been hard?

Lucifer: Piece of cake, actually. Mum’s all sorted, not a problem.

Dr. Linda: Really? Because the last time you were here, you used the word “frightened.” (chuckles softly)

Dr. Linda: And that’s not like you.

Lucifer: Well, turns out Mum’s a peach.

Dr. Linda: Hmm. And the “deal” with your dad?

Lucifer: To send Mum home? What, you think I’m scared of Him or something?

Dr. Linda: I think you’re trying to avoid the unpleasantness of conflict. (exhales)

Lucifer: (has a Eureka-moment) Hold on. So you’re saying that distraction is a way to avert your problems.

Dr. Linda: No.

Lucifer: Ergo, the more I distract, the less I worry.

Dr. Linda: No, I did not say that.

Lucifer: Well, you didn’t need to, Doctor, I just did, and it’s bloody brilliant.

Dr. Linda: Right. Where are you going?

Lucifer: Distraction calls. This really is a breakthrough, thank you. (leaves office) I’m just gonna…

Dr. Linda: Sure.

(Lucifer is having fun on his phone and talking to Chloe about it while they enter the crime scene. Chloe is not amused.)

(phone blipping)

Lucifer: I mean, who needs a gun and a badge when I’ve got… oh! (laughs)

Chloe: Hey, it’s a crime scene. Will you focus? (crow cawing)

Lucifer: Well, someone’s a grumpy pants today.

Chloe: Well, sorry, I got a lot on my mind.

Lucifer: Yes, sorry, you have, haven’t you? D-word, moving out of your mum’s, finding a new place…

Chloe: Yeah, well, I’m a big girl and I need my space, and it’s time. Not that I have much with work and Trixie.

Lucifer: Stress can be so aging. (sighs) You need a distraction from your woes, Detective. It’s a highly effective tool.

Chloe: Mm-hmm.

Lucifer: When was the last time you had fun?

Chloe: Oh… well…

Lucifer: No, seriously, name three friends you could call right now for a drink. And you can’t say me, your child, or the man you’re divorcing.

Chloe: (not seeing Dan is within earshot) Well, trust me, Dan is not on my list of drinking buddies.

Dan: Well…

Lucifer: Daniel.

Chloe: Hey. I didn’t mean it like that.

Lucifer: (whispers) She did.

Chloe: What do we have on the vic?

Dan: Young female. C.O.D. unknown.

Lucifer: Another fresh-faced ingénue. Truly tragic.

Chloe: I.D.?

Dan: No personal belongings, just a, uh, a triangular-shaped ink stamp on her hand.

Lucifer: (sees hand stamp on the body that is being wheeled to an ambulance.) Oh, hold on. I might be able to help with this. This is something someone might find at a “nightclub.” You know, where humans go to have “fun”?

Dan: We found an abandoned vehicle registered to Uber. No sign of the driver.

(Chloe grabs Lucifer’s phone to use the Uber app map.)

Lucifer: Password’s “Carnal,” capital “C.”

Chloe: Uber I.D.s are usually linked to the driver’s phone, not the car. And now that we have his number, by the looks of this map, our guy is on the corner of Crescent and Third.

Lucifer: Impressive.

Chloe: Yeah, it’s called “police work.”

Lucifer: (speaking into phone) Let’s solve a murder.

Automated voice: I can assist you with that.

Lucifer: (laughs) It’s brilliant.

(Chloe and Dan walk away not amused.)

(A wiry unhealthy looking Uber driver is sitting at the table. Chloe slaps a photo of the dead girl down in front of him. Lucifer is standing against the wall in the shadows.)

Chloe: Her name’s Daria Mitchell. We traced her credit card to a small bank in Nebraska. We know you were the last one to see her alive.

Driver: I didn’t touch her!

Lucifer: (walking behind the driver) Well… except to toss her cold, dead corpse into the bushes and run.

Driver: I told you. I picked her up on the corner of Gower and Franklin, gave her a ride, and then she jumped out of my moving car.

Chloe: You just left her there to die?

(Lucifer moves around to Chloe’s side of the table and sits down.)

Driver: By the time I pulled over and found her, she was already… I’m on new meds. I wasn’t thinking straight. I just got this job. I panicked.

Lucifer: Killer cliché… “I panicked,” closely followed by…

Driver: T-Talk to the other guy!

Chloe: What other guy?

Driver: She used my phone to call somebody. Her boyfriend, I don’t know. She wanted to go over to his place, he threatened to kill her.

(both Chloe and Lucifer’s phones ring)

Lucifer: Oh! Excuse me. (looks at the phone then says to Chloe) Oh, it’s you.

Chloe: Ella’s got something.

(Door opens. Chloe and Lucifer leave the interrogation room.)

(The Goddess is wearing an apron and oven mitts. She opens a large garbage bin and drops a burnt casserole, bowl and all, into it with a groan.)

Maze: Looks delicious.

Goddess: (sighs) Did you come here to gloat?

Maze: I just came to see how the supreme goddess was acclimating.

Goddess: Well, I wouldn’t plan a festival of celebration just yet, my dear. (We now see her apron has large dark stains all over it.) I will not let this… spicy chicken casserole beat me. I’m stronger than you think.

Maze: Glad to see you’re fitting in so well.

(The Goddess walks around the pool picking up scattered items, towels, toys, etc. We now see she is wearing inappropriate high-heeled shoes. Maze reclines on a lawn chair.)

Goddess: Ha. Well, of course, there have been challenges. Nothing I can’t handle. I’m still on a sabbatical from work, so I spend the bulk of my day at home with the… children. Factories of filth. Of mire. They remind me of you, actually, if I’m being honest.

Maze: And how’s that human husband?

Goddess: I discovered a trick with him. Whenever he asks a question, I just have s*x with him. Seems to render him mute.

Maze: Hmm. Took me a while to figure that one out.

Goddess: As for the rest of it, for lack of a better word, it is absolute… hell.

Maze: Well, if it’s so bad, why don’t you just go back?

Goddess: Why? So that you could go back to torturing me for another millennia?

Maze: Sounds like fun to me.

Goddess: Yes, these humans are awful. They breathe through their mouths, and they won’t… shut up about something called gluten. (Maze has stood up and The Goddess speaks directly in her face.) But existing in this punishment allows me to be closer to my family. Understand? Of course not. You’re all alone.

(Lucifer and Chloe enter from the hallway and catch Ella bent over a table, working to music)

Ella: Oh. Sorry. I… I like to rock it old school when I’m working. Know-what-I’m-sayin’?

Lucifer: I do. And rock you should. I’m sure, studying murder all day, you could use a little diversion. Everybody could! (Lucifer turns the music up louder and starts dancing around the room) Mm!

(Chloe looks sternly at Lucifer. Seeing her reaction, Ella turns the music off. Lucifer stops dancing.s)

Chloe: (to Ella) Thank you. What do you got for me?

Ella: Well… I found a poison in Daria’s stomach contents. It’s called mandrake, it’s like this crazy organic hallucinogen, and… you want to know the really interesting part?

Lucifer: Mm-hmm!

Ella: It would’ve taken at least 90 minutes for it to kick in.

Chloe: The Uber driver had back-to-back rides all night, and he didn’t pick up Daria until 30 minutes before she died.

Ella: Exactly. He would’ve barely had time to torture her with his subpar jazz and creepy dude cologne, let alone poison her.

Chloe: Right. We get anything from vice on the hand stamp?

Ella: Nada. But tech did track down that number that Daria called. Davis Fitzgerald. Owns some hot restaurant in Silver Lake. Food is supposed to be amaze-balls.

Lucifer: Deadly and delicious.

Ella: Mm-hmm. It’s been on my list of places to check out since I moved here.

Lucifer: Oh, social butterfly, are we? Perhaps you should, uh, drop by LUX sometime, and we… could, you know…

Ella: Yeah.

(Chloe looking at Lucifer sternly, and feeling chastised by her look he stops speaking and follow Chloe out.)

Chloe: Thanks, Ella.

(Lucifer turns and smiles at Ella as he leaves.)

(Lucifer and Chloe have parked out front of the house and they talk as they walk up the sidewalk to the house.)

Chloe: Well, looks our murderous boyfriend’s doing well for himself.

Lucifer: Yes, your realtor did say this is a lovely area.

Chloe: I have a realtor?

Lucifer: Well, I took the liberty of calling several on your behalf, actually. It was a good hour of distraction.

Chloe: A: Since when have you ever cared about my living situation. And B: I could never afford this place.

(Front door opens and a man in a white apron covered in blood hold a large butcher knife in a threatening manner.)

Lucifer: Well, I…

(Chloe put her hand on her gun)

Davis: Get the hell off of my property!

Lucifer: Well, you’re in luck, Detective. If this home’s the site of a recent massacre, you may well be in an excellent negotiating position.

Chloe: Put down the knife, and no one else needs to get hurt.

Lucifer: Yes, the Sweeney Todd thing’s a bit histrionic, don’t you think?

Davis: Oh, you’re cops? Sorry. The militant vegans next door been up in my grill all day long. I assumed it was them again.

Lucifer: (scoffs)

Davis: Come on outback. (chuckles) I hope you hungry.

Lucifer: (to Chloe) Tasty as charged.

(Entering the backyard we can see several work tables and meat hanging from a rack. A woman, Gisele is working at one of the tables.)

Davis: See? We’re making artisanal sausage.

Lucifer: Ah. DIY butchery? Macramé class all full up, was it?

Davis: Farm to table, man. For my restaurant Ellipsis.

Lucifer: Oh, yes. I’ve heard the grilled polenta’s divine.

Davis: We also brew our own kombucha, keep bees.

Chloe: Keeping it real.

Davis: Yeah, there’s no hormones in this meat.

Lucifer: And speaking of your meat, Davis… are blonde Nebraskans organic or GMO?

Chloe: Your girlfriend Daria Mitchell was found murdered last night.

Davis: Murdered?

Gisele: (angry) Girlfriend? Is there a waitress you haven’t slept with? (She throws a hunk of meat at Davis and storms off. Davis grunts.)

Lucifer: My gosh. Is hipster infidelity really more egregious than homicide?

Davis: (calling after her) Babe, I don’t know anything about that!

Lucifer: Infidelity or homicide?

Davis: Just… Either. (he looks to make sure Gisele has gone in the house) Okay, look, I had a little fling with Daria, but I didn’t kill her. We got into a fight last night when she wanted to come over because I was with…

Chloe: So you’re saying your wife is your alibi?

Davis: Actually, no. I was with another waitress, and Daria found out about that. And that’s what we were fighting about.

Chloe: Okay, well, I’ll need the name and number of the other waitress.

Lucifer: (walking to the other side of the patio) Yes, and I’d like to talk to you about your herb garden, Davis because I was thinking about taking up rooftop botany. You know… (puts fingers to his lips like he’s holding a joint and inhales.)

Chloe: (shakes her head) Excuse us. (She leaves Davis and walks over to Lucifer and speaks to him quietly and sincerely) Botany? Realtors? Look, I get it. I know your mom’s in town. We’re both going through some stuff. If you need to talk, I’m here, okay?

Lucifer: (trying to step away) All right, understood.

Chloe: (stopping him and standing very close) No, now. What’s going on with you? Why is it so hard for you to focus? What’s up?

Lucifer: (sighs) Just give me a minute, would you?(Lucifer leaves her and goes to the far corner of the patio out of her earshot and speaks into his phone) Face chat Maze. (phone beeps)

Maze: What? My hands are kind of full right now.

Lucifer: Right, well, here’s the stitch… The detective is annoying me with questions that clearly won’t lead anywhere, so I need a favor.

Maze: Favors are your thing, not mine.

Lucifer: All right, then. What about a wager?

Maze: What’s in it for me?

Lucifer: Whatever you want.

Maze: Your convertible.

Lucifer: Fine. But you need to take the detective out and have fun. Three drinks should do the trick.

Maze: (chuckles) Sucker’s bet. Easy.

Lucifer: Yes, but you’re not allowed to tie her up and pour booze down her throat.

Maze: Less easy. Fine. All right.

Lucifer: Deal.

Maze: (shouts) I said get naked!

Lucifer: Oh, hello.

Maze: Want to watch? (phone beeps as Lucifer hangs up)

Chloe: (to Davis) Okay, you were the last one to talk to Daria, you’re telling me you have no idea who she was with last night?

Davis: No. She was having a girls’ night. She was roomies with another waitress, uh, Naomi. Maybe she was with her.

Chloe: Do not leave town.

(Chloe and Lucifer start walking back toward her car.)

Lucifer: So did Casanova’s alibi checkout?

Chloe: Working on it, but in the meantime, Daria’s roommate, Naomi, might have an idea of her timeline.

Lucifer: Oh, lovely. Then can we go for grilled polenta? Well, I can’t focus on an empty stomach, Detective.

Chloe: (exasperated sighs)

(Dr. Linda opens her door to leave to find Amenadiel standing there just ready to knock.)

Amenadiel: Hey…

Dr. Linda: Oh. Hi.

Amenadiel: (stepping into office) Hey, uh… I just wanted to return this. (hands Dr. Linda a book)

Dr. Linda: Oh. Uh… Therapeutic Truth. So much for that, right? (chuckles and turns to put the book on her desk. She looks back to see Amenadiel looking unhappy.) Are you okay?

Amenadiel: (exhales)

Dr. Linda: One exhalation yes, two… none of my business?

Amenadiel: Yeah, listen. Thanks for your concern, but, um, I’m fine. (starts to back out of office)

Dr. Linda: No more false pretenses, remember? Friendship means honesty. You can talk to me, Amenadiel. Apparently, that is your real name.

Amenadiel: (laughs) It is. This is hard to explain. Uh, it’s kind of a, uh… physical problem.

Dr. Linda: Oh?

Amenadiel: (he tries to explain the problem with his wings without actually telling her he had wings.) And things aren’t working the way they used to.

Dr. Linda: (she thinks she understands to what he’s referring.) Oh.

Amenadiel: And I-I don’t, I don’t know what to do about that.

Dr. Linda: I see. Well, you know, it’s very common.

Amenadiel: I doubt that.

Dr. Linda: Generally stress-related.

Amenadiel: It is very stressful.

Dr. Linda: My advice? Don’t overthink it. You need to relax. Try to put it out of your mind. Maybe have a bit of fun.

Amenadiel: Fun?

Dr. Linda: Yes. Maybe a cocktail. And before you know it… (she makes a double-thumbs-up sign. Amenadiel now realizes she has assumed his problem was with s*xual performance.) It doesn’t make you any less of a man, Amenadiel. Not even a bit.

(Lily, holding a ring of keys, leads Lucifer and Chloe down a hallway.)

Lily: Was everything okay? I haven’t seen Daria or Naomi all week. We feed each other’s cats.

Lucifer: Oh, gosh, I detest cats. Want an animal to stare at you with contempt? (Lily unlocks and opens an apartment door.) Get a cat. Open-box of excrement in your house? Cat. (he walks through the door and sniffs) Oh, gosh. Can you smell that? Foul, incontinent creatures.

Chloe: That’s not a cat smell. That’s a dead smell.

(They now see Naomi lying on the ground.)

Lily: Oh, my God! Naomi!

Chloe: (goes over to Naomi and checks her for a pulse. Looks at Lucifer and shakes her head) She’s got the same triangular stamp as Daria. Same signs of poison.

Lucifer: Well, well. Talk about a girls’ night gone wrong.

(Lucifer walks up the stairs with a woman under both arms.)

Lucifer: Lovely. Why don’t we go up to the penthouse, and I can show you the original Stairway to Heaven. (chuckles)

(Chloe enters from another stairway causally dressed and looking a bit ragged.)

Lucifer: Ah, Detective. After 6:00 on a school night?

Chloe: (She answers, all busy) Ella’s final forensic report came in.

Lucifer: Right.

Chloe: Um… (she looks back and forth at the two women)

Lucifer: Sorry. Can this wait? (chuckles and steps forward towards Chloe in front of the women) I mean, those deaths were fiendishly tragic, but I’m pretty certain that tomorrow, during office hours, our dead girls will still be dead.

Chloe: I just wanted to run a couple…

(Suddenly Maze appears behind Chloe)

Maze: (loudly) Good. Saved me a trip. (to Chloe) You, me, drinking. Now.

(And now Ella shows up.)

Ella: I’m in!

Chloe: What are you doing here?

Ella: Lucifer said I should drop by.

Chloe: But we’re working.

Lucifer: No, you’re working.

Maze: (to Lucifer) Who the hell is she?

Ella: Oh, sorry. Hi, I’m Ella!

(Ella gives Maze a big hug that Maze does not appreciate but Lucifer finds delightful.)

Chloe: (to Ella) I was about to give him the rundown on your report. Do you want to…

Ella: No, go for it. I got to dehydrate. Whew! (she runs off to the bar)

Chloe: Okay. (to Lucifer) Anyhow, first off, there was tissue damage to Daria’s stomach lining, caused by liquid nitrogen, the stuff that makes fancy cocktails smoke. It’s probably how she ingested the poison.

Lucifer: (annoyed the two women have now left) Well, excellent lead, Detective, but you just ruined my ménage à trois.

Chloe: (she lays her paperwork out on a small cocktail table nearby) Second, I assumed that Daria was at a club on Gower, and we found an abandoned building on the corner. It looked like they had recently had a party there.

Lucifer: (sarcastically) Fascinating.

Chloe: I’m thinking it was a rave, so… Any way you could make some phone calls to help me out? You know, you seem to have your finger on the pulse.

Lucifer: Not the appendage I’d hoped to be pulsing by now.

Maze: (looking over at the paperwork) I know that hood. There’s a great tiki bar across the street from that building. I know the bartender.

Chloe: Course you do.

Maze: We could go and have a drink, ask about the dead girls.

Lucifer: (realizing what Maze is doing) Yes. That sounds like a very good lead, Detective.

Maze: If you want to retrace the steps of two hot girls on a girls’ night, you need to think like two hot girls on a girls’ night.

Lucifer: With your lady parts.

Maze: And piña coladas in hand.

Ella: (now back from the bar) Oh, my God, I love piña coladas!

Lucifer: Lovely!

(Chloe smiles knowing she is outnumbered.)

(Ella is slurping her piña colada through a straw to the bottom of the tall glass. Sitting next to her is Maze who opens a beer bottle with her teeth and spits out the cap.)

Ella: (to Maze) So, I was watching Chinatown, right? And all of a sudden, it hits me. I need to go to L.A. I mean, do you ever feel like God is telling you to do something?

Maze: (flatly) No.

Ella: Huh. (pointing to the other piña colada sitting near them) Oh. You think Chloe’s gonna drink that?

Maze: No.

(Ella grabs the other glass and starts drinking it)

(Chloe, still in detective-mode has approached two men at the bar and shows them photos.)

Chloe: Hey, guys. Do you recognize this hand stamp? What about these women?

Man: No.

Chloe: Okay, look. I’m LAPD, and if there’s any info that you can give me on any… (men immediately turn and walk away from her)

Maze: (snorts and laughs) How not to get laid.

Chloe: I’m not trying to get laid, Maze.

Maze: I don’t get it. Well, did you talk to the bartender?

Chloe: Yeah. He said something was going on across the street in the abandoned building. I put a call in for a warrant to the judge, and I’m waiting to hear back.

Maze: Great. Looks like you have some time to kill. (grabs the piña colada from in front of Ella and puts it in front of Chloe.) Have a drink.

Chloe: No. I’m gonna call it a night.

(Just then Dr. Linda shows up.)

Dr. Linda: Hello, ladies.

Chloe: Hi. What are you doing here?

Dr. Linda: Maze invited me. She said it’s girls’ night.

Maze: Yeah.

Chloe: No. I’m working a double homicide.

Maze: Would it kill you to just relax for once?

Chloe: (sighs)

Maze: All you do is work, work, work.

Chloe: Wow. Like you’re one to talk. You’re at Lucifer’s beck and call 24/7. It’s like you’re his personal concierge.

Maze: I’m not his personal anything, (Chloe rolls her eyes) anymore.

Chloe: Hmm. Well, you basically still live there, and it’s not like he’s pouring you any drinks.

Maze: Least I know how to have fun. What about pleasure? Men? When’s the last time you had s*x?

Ella: Hey, why does everything always have to be about work or s*x?

Dr. Linda: Yeah, I agree. Girls’ night, done right, is about female bonding.

Ella: Exactly.

Dr. Linda: Really getting to know each other. Sharing problems, origin stories, secrets.

Maze: Can’t we just drink?

Dr. Linda: Fine. I’ll start. Um… I worked my way through med school as a phone s*x operator. 1-800-ProfessorFeelGood.

Ella: I would totally call that.

Maze: Nice.

Ella: (reaching her hand across the bar to shake Dr. Linda’s hand.) I’m Ella, by the way. I love that we just skipped the small talk.

Dr. Linda: Yes.

Ella: Um, okay. I’ll go next, I guess. Um… (then she says matter-of-factly) I used to steal cars. (the women look surprised leave it alone) Who’s next?

Maze: I was forged in the bowels of Hell to torture the guilty for all of eternity.

Dr. Linda: Interesting share. (to Chloe) Okay, so… Now, you go, Chloe. Female trust. Come on. What’s on your mind?

Chloe: What’s on my mind… like, other than the case?

Dr. Linda: Yeah.

Chloe: Um… A little divorce. Uh…

Maze: Mm-hmm.

Chloe: Single parenthood… uh, possible homelessness and… most likely many, many cats in my future.

Maze: Or things that require batteries.

Ella: Okay, you know, that’s-that’s… that’s what I’m talking about. You guys, this is so fun!

Maze: Is it?

Ella: Yes!

Dr. Linda: (shouting to the bartender) Yeah, uh, tequila, stat.

Ella: Yes.

Maze: Keep ’em coming!

Dr. Linda: This is really gonna help you feel, you know, anything.

(Maze eyes Chloe, happy her plan is working.)

(Amenadiel sits nursing a drink as Lucifer shows up.)

Lucifer: Ugh! Cosmopolitan? Perhaps this really is girls’ night. There are only two reasons to drink alone, brother. Either you’re a chronic dullard, or you’re trying to avoid your problems. If it’s the latter, I approve.

Amenadiel: My problems are your problems.

Lucifer: Ooh! Aren’t we the little empath?

Amenadiel: You think letting Mom stay here on earth doesn’t affect us all?

Lucifer: (scoffs) Why?

Amenadiel: Because you think Dad is gonna forgive and forget about the fact that you broke a deal?

Lucifer: Haven’t broken anything. I found a loophole. As such, I’m not thinking about it at all. You should try it.

Amenadiel: There will be consequences!

Lucifer: I don’t get it. If you’re so concerned, why don’t you just fly Mum back to Hell?

Amenadiel: (enraged he slams his hand down on bar) Because I can’t!

Lucifer: (confused) That was a tad dramatic. Why not?

Amenadiel: It’s complicated.

Lucifer: Never fear, fun brother’s here. I’m gonna show you the magic of distraction. But no more girly drinks. All right? (takes the Cosmopolitan and puts it aside)

Amenadiel: Cosmos are yummy.

Lucifer:(to bartender) Oh… Bourbon. Stat. Keep ’em coming.

(Ella, Maze, Chloe, and Dr. Linda are on stage, drunk and singing karaoke.)

Maze: Yes!

Ella: Thank you, Los Angeles!

(Now back at the bar the ladies talk. Chloe lets her hair down, literally and figuratively.)

Chloe: (laughing) And then Lucifer’s all like… (imitating Lucifer) “Hey Chloe, name three friends that you could go call and have a drink with.” So smug, you know?

Ella: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Dr. Linda: (pointing to Ella, Maze, and herself) Well, one… two… three!

Chloe: So, you’re saying, if I called you guys, you would drop everything and come and have a drink with me?

Ella: Mm-hmm. ‘Cause that is what girlfriends do for each other.

Dr. Linda: Yes, especially during tough times.

Ella: Exactly.

Chloe: I’ve never had friends like that. Like, ever.

Maze: Well, you’re a lot more tolerable when you’re drunk, Decker.

Chloe: Is that true?

Maze: Yeah.

Chloe: And then Lucifer’s like, “You use work to avoid having fun.”

Dr. Linda: Oh, yeah. Well, not anymore, lady. ‘Cause we’re your tribe, now.

Ella: And we like to party!

Dr. Linda: (howling)

Maze: I wish I had my knives. We could have made a blood pact.

Chloe: Ooh, next time.

Maze: Aww… Yeah, yeah.

Dr. Linda: Next time? This is progress.

Ella: To tribes!

All: To tribes!

Dr. Linda: Sip it.

(As Chloe downs her shot, Maze stealthy takes a photo of her drinking. camera clicks.)

Ella: I think we should go back up there.

All but Chloe: Mm-hmm. Mm. Mm. (whooping)

(Chloe has turned and notices a large drunk man across the bar. Intently she semi-staggers over to him.)

Dr. Linda: Oh, it looks like someone’s made a fourth friend.

Ella: Oh, you get it, girl! (whooping)

Dr. Linda: Oh, no!

Maze: Abort! Chloe!

Dr. Linda: Oh… don’t do that.

Ella: I don’t think she… Does she wear contacts? She’s really into him. And she’s bringing him over.

Dr. Linda: Is she?

(Chloe brings the man over to Ella and shows his wrist has the same hand stamp as the dead women.)

Chloe: Look! Same handstamp as Daria and Naomi! (to man) Where did you get this?

Man: I saw some hot women, uh, g-going into a party across the street last night. Okay. It was just…

Chloe: (suddenly sober she holds up a photo for him to see) Do you recognize these women? Did you see these girls there?

Woman: (steps in between Chloe and man and pushes the man back out of the way. He grunts. She has another woman backing her up. to Chloe) What’s your deal?

Ella: (stepping in) Hey, she’s just asking a few questions.

Woman: Well, he’s taken. So back off, skank! I…

Maze: (now Maze steps in front of the woman) Hey! No one calls my skank a skank. (to Chloe) I’m hurting her.

All: (to Maze and holding her back) No! Oh, no, no… No. Okay, no. No, no, Maze. Maze…

Ella: Wipe that smile off her face.

Dr. Linda: Maze, remember… aggression is not the answer, okay. (to woman) Clearly, this woman is having some serious trust issues.

Chloe: Clearly.

Dr. Linda: (says to the woman with a challenging attitude) Or maybe she’s just a raging bitch. (laughing)

Chloe: Oh!

(Woman punches Chloe and a fight ensues. Ella grabs the woman around the neck. Maze starts punching the second woman. grunting. growling. yelling. grunting. glasses breaking)

Chloe: (stands up raising her badge over her head) LAPD! Hey! Everybody take a breath! (suddenly she is tackled from the side and thrown to the floor.)

Dr. Linda: Oh! Oh, my gosh. What is happening?!

Dr. Linda: (clapping) Maze, Maze, Maze!

(Maze breaks a pool cue in half and, with one in each hand, starts beating people with them. The man with the hand stamp groans as Maze knocks him down.)

Chloe: (now has a woman in a chokehold) Maze, I wasn’t done questioning him!

Maze: Ugh!

(Maze picks the man up off the floor and pushes him back into a chair. Ella throws the beer from a mug in his face to wake him up.)

Maze: (to Chloe) Carry on.

Chloe: (showing man the photo again) Hey. Did you see these girls?

Man: Yeah, maybe.

Chloe: Where?

Man: It was… it was…

Chloe: Where?!

Man: It was a crowded s*x club, and there was so many hot girls…

(Maze, Ella, and Dr. Linda come and stand by Chloe and the man.)

Chloe: A s*x club?

Man: Yeah, just… Don’t tell my girlfriend. Just… (he motions towards where his girlfriend is standing and looking fierce.)

Chloe: (scoffs to self) Girls’ night out. Oh… Oof.

(Chloe is getting coffee, still in the same disheveled clothes and hair.)

Dan: Happy hour over already? Must have been some party.

(Chloe, holding a coffee mug, walks with Dan to her desk.)

Chloe: Yeah… other than the half-hour-ish from 8:47 to 9:17 that I can’t quite remember anything.

Dan: (chuckling) Classic Chloe. Only you would make a point of remembering the exact amount of time you can’t remember.

Chloe: Mm. Well, I was lucid enough to destroy a tiki bar and get a lead on our two dead blondes. I found a guy with a hand stamp.

Dan: The same club that Daria and Naomi went to?

Chloe: Not a club. More like a roving, pop-up s*x party. Secretive, invite-only, caters to rich jerks who like to pay for it. So gross.

Dan: So those two girls were s*x workers?

Chloe: Looks like it. But the only way to know for sure is to get you into the next shindig… Which hand stamp guy told me… Right before he passed out… Is happening as we speak.

Dan: Me?

Chloe: Uh-huh. Men only. And I got you a date.

Dan: (realizes Chloe is referring to Lucifer) Nope.

Chloe: Yes.

Dan: Mm-mm. No way.

Chloe: Yes. It’s good to have Lucifer there with you as backup. So they don’t think you’re a cop. (she walks away from him)

Dan: I don’t look like a cop.

Chloe: Uh-huh.

Dan: (to another officer) Hey. Do I look like a cop?

(Lucifer is leaning against his car watching a video on his phone. Kitten mewing on video. Lucifer laughing. Dan arrives.)

Dan: Ah.

Lucifer: Finally, you’re here. Right. I promise this will be more fun than light beers and Bachelor reruns.

Dan: Your jokes never get old.

Lucifer: Oh, come on, who doesn’t love a s*x party? Then again, if you’re me, every party’s a s*x party of sorts.

Dan: It’s illegal, for starters. Why do you think they change the location every night? No liquor license, underage girls…

Lucifer: Well, the world’s oldest profession seems to be surviving quite nicely. (to bouncers) Hello, chaps.

(Dan reaches out his arm for the bouncer to stamp his hand)

Lucifer: (to Dan) Yes, my first startup was a s*x club, actually. Little place called “Eden”. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? (refusing hand stamp from the bouncer and hands him some money) I’m… good. Thank you.

Dan: Best case scenario, this club exploits women. Worst case? It got those girls a belly full of poison.

Lucifer: Mm. One other thing. Hm?

Dan: I’m not sure why he’s here.

Amenadiel: Only dullards drink alone. (a partially inebriated Amenadiel walks out of the shadows and past them tapping Dan on the chest as he passes them)

Lucifer: Yes, he’s a tad anxious these days. I thought a night out would do him good.

Dan: Right. Well, we have one mission… to find out who knew the dead girls. And remember… We’re undercover, okay?

Lucifer: (chuckling) As if you could look like anything other than a cop.

Dan: I do not look like a cop!

Amenadiel: Cop.

Dan: (sighs with frustration) All right, will you guys just please, for God’s sake, be chill? And three rules: no drinking, no touching… and just keep everything low-key.

(Amenadiel is anything but chill as he enthusiastically dances with a woman on a crowded dance floor.)

Amenadiel: Yes! (laughing. woman laughing)

(Lucifer and Dan stand watching from the side of the room)

Dan: Oh, my God. This is not helping us find out who knew the dead girls.

Lucifer: Agreed. His shimmy is a tad off-putting.

Amenadiel: (yelling over music) Come on, Luci! Come cut a rug with your big bro!

Lucifer: Uh. No, no, no, no, no. White man’s overbite, that is definitely where I draw the line.

(Lucifer moves towards Amenadiel but is stopped by Dan)

Dan: Hold on a second. Look at the bar. It’s liquid nitrogen. It’s the same thing that caused damage to Daria Mitchell’s stomach lining.

Lucifer: Yes.

(Dan goes to the bar to talk to the bartender)

Dan: Hey, buddy.

Bartender: Hey.

Dan: (he holds up a photo of Naomi and Daria)What do you know about these two girls?

(The bartender looks nervous and makes a break for it but runs into Lucifer who grabs him and raises him by the neck up against a wall with one hand while still holding his martini in the other.)

Lucifer: Not so fast, buddy boy. Seems my martini isn’t the only thing here that’s dirty. (bartender straining) Mmm. A drink to savor, don’t you think? Ah… (inhales)

(A short time later, Lucifer, Dan, and the bartender talk away from the crowd.)

Dan: Want to explain why you ran?

Bartender: Come on. You’re obviously a cop.

Lucifer: (chuckles)

Dan: (to Lucifer) Shut it.

Bartender: I figured you were here to bust me.

Lucifer: Yes, we are here to bust you. For the untimely fate of two innocent Nebraskan girls.

Bartender: Wait… what?

Lucifer: It’s funny how killers go deaf at the moment of reckoning, isn’t it?

Bartender: No, no. I… I’m no killer. I-I-I keep an eye on the girls that work here and serve the pervs drinks. And pot… Maybe a bit of “E.”

Lucifer: What about mandrake?

Bartender: Who’s Mandrake?

Dan: Did you put poison in these two girls’ drinks?

Bartender: No-no. What? No. I-I remember these girls. Their drinks were clean when I made ’em.

Dan: Who was paying for ’em?

Bartender: I don’t know, it was some Hollywood dirtbag with a gold card.

Lucifer: (looking around and the men in the club) You’ll need to be a little more specific.

Bartender: It’s… Yuri something. He’s not here tonight though. I guess your two dead girls and the other blonde must have really worn him out.

Dan: Wait a minute. There were three blondes?

Bartender: Yeah. Your two newbies and their hot friend.

Lucifer: Right. First name, “Hot”, last name, “Friend”?

Bartender: They don’t use their real names. She’s one of our regulars though. You know, life of the party.

Lucifer: Oh, she won’t be the life of anything, if we don’t get to her before lady killer Yuri has his way.

Dan: If he hasn’t already.

Lucifer: (sighing and handing the bartender his whisky glass) Thank you. (clears throat)

(Dan and Lucifer are almost at the door when Lucifer remembers he forgot Amenadiel.)

Lucifer: Oh, silly me. (sighs and goes back to where Amenadiel is dozing in an armchair. Pats Amenadiel and leg to rouse him then grabs his arm and pulls him to his feet)

Lucifer: Come on. Rise and shine, Crantini. Time to go.

Amenadiel: (gets up groaning) Yeah.

Dan: (Dan comes back to help carry Amenadiel) Let’s do this.

(Stumbling, Amenadiel spills his Crantini on Dan’s shirt.)

Lucifer: (Lucifer laughing) Gosh, I wish I got that on video. Oh, I can get that on video! Hold on. Douche-cam. (Lucifer follows them out while recording them on his phone)

(Now it’s Dan’s turn to pour himself coffee after a night out.)

Chloe: Must have been some party.

Dan: Ah, that’s funny. And I’ll laugh after we find this Yuri scumbag.

Chloe: You have anything on the third girl?

Dan: Bartender said she was, “Blonde, hot, and had an exposed midriff”. Which describes half the population of L.A.

Chloe: Well, the chef’s wife, Gisele, fits that description.

Dan: Yeah, but when you saw her, she was healthy.

Chloe: You think she could have worked with Naomi and Daria at the s*x club? She knew them through her husband’s restaurant. I mean… but part-time s*x worker?

Dan: Would that be the first thing you put on your résumé?

Chloe: No. But if she was there, she was witness to everything that went down that night. So, maybe Yuri’s after her.

Dan: Yeah, well, the tech got Yuri’s info from the credit card he used at the s*x party. Only has a P.O. box. No home address, but I did get a cell and a plate number.

Chloe: Okay, good. Lucifer and I will go find Yuri, and, uh, and, um…

(Lucifer has arrived and sits down at a desk looking at his phone and laughing)

Chloe: (she is now curious about what Lucifer is doing but finishes talking to Dan) …you track down Gisele.

Lucifer: (laughing continues) Oh…

Dan: Copy that.

Chloe: (As she walks up behind Lucifer she looks over his shoulder to see a picture of her drinking on his phone. She grabs the phone from his hand.) That is… What did Maze win and why does it involve my tragic drunk face?

Lucifer: (standing up) Just a little wager. Well, you had a lot on your mind, so I decided to distract you, with “girls’ night.”

Chloe: Last night was a setup?

Lucifer: Yes. Well, you had fun, didn’t you? You should be thanking me.

(Chloe, still holding Lucifer’s phone, starts pushing buttons on it)

Lucifer: What are you doing? Detective…

(Chloe snaps a picture of her finger and types under it, “Tribal Salute” then slaps the phone to Lucifer’s chest, turns, and storms out past Dan sitting at a desk.)

Lucifer: (grunts)

Dan: (to Chloe as she storms by) Uh, hey, Davis hasn’t seen Gisele, and she’s, uh, not answering her cell, so if Yuri has her, we’ve got to get there fast.

Chloe: I’m on my way.

Lucifer: (perplexed and calling after Chloe) Detective… (to Dan) What did you say to her? (and he leaves following Chloe as Dan watches him go.)

(Lucifer and Chloe arrive at Yuri’s Mercedes which has heavily steamed up windows.)

Chloe: (tapping on the window) LAPD. Get out of the car, Yuri.

Lucifer: (Yuri’s hand braces against the window) Good Lord, you could at least fork out for a room, Yuri.

(The drivers’ door open and Yuri leans out retching)

Lucifer: No, no, no, no! Not the Italian leather! Bloody hell!

Chloe: (to Lucifer) Yeah, more like karma.

Chloe: (to Yuri) We know you were at the s*x club last night, (Lucifer pulls Yuri from the car) and you’re responsible for the death of two girls. What do you know about Gisele?

Yuri: I don’t know anyone named Gisele. You have it all wrong. I only went to that club because Crystal promised me newbies. I paid five grand apiece for those two sweethearts.

Chloe: Who’s Crystal?

Yuri: She was with Daria and Naomi.

Lucifer: Then you should most definitely ask for a refund.

Yuri: I know. Those girls had no idea that I was their date.

Chloe: You’re telling me Daria and Naomi had no idea it was a s*x club?

Yuri: No. When they found out, they wanted to leave. Crystal bought them drinks, but they drank them and bailed anyway. I was so upset that I took the last sip and…

Chloe: You drank the rest of the poison.

Yuri: (surprised) I have been sick ever since. Oh, God. (starts to retch again)

Lucifer: Oh, no, no, no. Not again. (He and Chloe scoot away from Yuri)

Chloe: Is Gisele Crystal?

Lucifer: Oh, you mean the chef’s wife?

Chloe: Could she be the one who killed Daria and Naomi?

Lucifer: Well, Daria was sleeping with her husband, so if anyone had a bone to pick, it would be her.

(Yuri panting)

Chloe: Yuri, do you know Crystal’s real name?

Yuri: No. But I have a picture.

Lucifer: Oh, lovely. I’ll take that.

(Lucifer grabs Yuri’s phone and starts scrolling through pictures.)

Lucifer: Right. Ooh, pecker pic. Pecker pic.

Chloe: Eww!

Lucifer: Oh, hold on.

Chloe: That’s not Gisele.

Lucifer: No, and that blonde hair doesn’t look real either.

Chloe: You’re right, it’s a wig. And the girl wearing it looks real familiar.

(Front door is open. Lily is packing boxes. Lucifer and Chloe let themselves in.)

Lucifer: Oh, it’s just rush, rush, rush in this town, isn’t it?

Lily: (startled) Oh, hi, detectives. I’m just putting a few things in storage. I’m going back home.

Lucifer: Right, you can take the girl out of Nebraska, but you can’t take Nebraska out of the girl. Or can you?

Lily: I don’t feel safe in L.A. anymore. You wouldn’t either if two of your neighbors wound up dead.

Chloe: Don’t you just hate that?

Lily: I’m sorry, I have a flight at 3:00.

Lucifer: Yes, and I’ve just discovered this wonderful thing called Facebook. Have you heard of it?

Lily: I have to go, please.

Lucifer: ‘Cause Facebook’s heard of you. It knows that you’re a big deal in your small town. A ten back home, but in L.A., just a five. Things haven’t worked out for you here, have they, Lily? So much heartache, struggle, compromise. It made you desperate enough to turn against your own sorority sisters, Daria and Naomi.

Lily: No. Daria and Naomi were my friends.

Lucifer: (chuckles)

Chloe: Were they? Because we know you were with them the night they died. You said you hadn’t seen ’em for a week.

Lily: You have no proof of that.

Lucifer: Except for a photo taken by your charming buddy Yuri. Nice wig, by the way. Really brings out the murder in your eyes.

(Lily grabs Chloe and holds a box cutter to her neck. A little bit of blood drips from the wound.)

Lucifer: Seems kitties do have claws.

Lily: Please, just let me go.

Lucifer: (to Chloe) Is this the part where you wish I had a gun, Detective?

Chloe: Shut up, Lucifer, I got this. (to Lily) You pretended to be a friend to those girls. Shame on you. (coughs)

Lily: They called me! They were desperate for my help. The best workout class, where to hike… this apartment!

Chloe: They asked you for help and you preyed on them?

Lily: I was doing them a favor.

Lucifer: What, by putting mandrake in their drinks?

Lily: I thought it was an organic kind of roofie. I didn’t know that it would kill them. I was just trying to loosen them up.

Chloe: You were trying to make an extra buck by bringing in a couple newbies.

Lily: I won The Dame Judith acting award in college. I was the president of our sorority. I should have made it by now! L.A. was supposed to be easy!

Lucifer: (Lucifer’s cell phone chimes, he casually reaches into his breast pocket to retrieve it.) Oh, phones… They can be so distracting.

(Now the Lily is not focused on Chloe she uses the opportunity to break free by elbowing Lily in the stomach who falls to the floor grunting. Chloe then picks up a pool noodle laying nearby and starts beating Lily with it while yelling at Lily.)

Chloe: There’s a special place in Hell for women who fake friendships as a way of manipulating other women!

Lucifer: She’s right, you know.

(Chloe starts handcuffing Lily.)

Lucifer: And I think we have a silver lining, Detective. What with Lily going away, and Daria and Naomi dead, I believe that there’s an apartment vacancy.

Chloe: Are you seriously suggesting that I should move into a dead girl’s apartment?

Lucifer: No, no, no, the killer’s place is much nicer. I mean, just look at this view!

(Chloe is sitting at her desk. She looks sad and deep in thought. Maze walks in and plops herself down in the chair next to her desk.)

Chloe: How’d you get in here?

Maze: Let’s just say Samantha at the front desk is no longer into men. (Chloe doesn’t react.) What, you still mad?

Chloe: What was all that stuff about being my tribe?

Maze: You had fun, didn’t you?

Chloe: I don’t have time for this. I have work to do. You can go.

Maze: (taken back by Chloe’s demeanor) I wasn’t totally faking it. Like when I strangled psycho chick for the win. That was genuine.

Chloe: Gee, thanks.

Maze: You know, I wouldn’t just kick ass for anyone. (Chloe shoots her a look) Okay, fine, I would. But this time it was… sweeter.

Chloe: This is some twisted version of an apology?

Maze: I don’t do apologies. But I don’t want to kill you anymore.

Chloe: You’re a very, very deranged person.

Maze: (kind of proudly she says…) Thanks. So, we’re still good to be roomies, right?

Chloe: What are you talking about, roomies?

Maze: We shook on it. Post-karaoke, pre-potbelly dude.

Chloe: What?

Maze: I told you I was in-between places. You said that you were looking for someone to share expenses. Don’t you remember?

Chloe: (it dawns on her) The missing half hour.

Maze: (quickly stands up and leans on the desk) Look… I’ve got money. I like your kid, and you dress like crap, so I won’t be stealing any of your clothes. What, you got a better plan? (grabs a donut off of Chloe’s desk) You said you wanted fun, Decker. (points to herself as she leaves) Fun.

Chloe: Oh, my…

(Maze is leaning against the grand piano. Lucifer is sitting at the piano and slams the lid shut.)

Lucifer: Roommates? You and Detective Decker? (laughs) No, no, no, no, no, no. And have I mentioned “no,” and also, “no”?

Maze: You’re not my boss any more.

Lucifer: Well, that may be. But I can’t have the women in my life teaming up. I’ll be outnumbered. Dad forbid you manage to have s*x with her before I do. Oh, actually, can I interest you in another wager?

Maze: No. Done deal. Pay up.

Lucifer: (sighs) Fine, the convertible’s yours.

Maze: I’m over that.

Lucifer: Well, the hot, new bartender.

Maze: Been there, done that.

Lucifer: Well, spit it out then, Maze. What is it you want?

Maze: (She walks over and sits down next to Lucifer on the piano bench.) I want a drink.

Lucifer: What, that’s it? Fine. Pick any bottle, pull two glasses.

Maze: No, I want you to pour me a drink.

Lucifer: (He looks at her for a moment then stands up, goes to the bar for a glass, comes back and pours Maze a drink from a bottle on the piano, and hands it to her.) All right. To newly defined relationships. Cheers. (They clink glasses and toast to it.)

Lucifer: (elevator bell dings and Amenadiel staggers in) Oh… please… don’t drink in front of me.

Lucifer: Bad case of the distractions, brother? (chuckles)

Maze: Well, I better go. I’ll let you deal with the lightweight. (Amenadiel groans and sits on sofa, Maze leaves)

Lucifer: Judging from your behavior last night, that lunatic dancing, I fear that my advice may have created a whole new set of problems.

Amenadiel: No more turning a “blind eye,” Lucifer.

(Lucifer groans)

Amenadiel: Listen… We both know that Dad is not the kind to forgive and forget. No distraction on earth is gonna change that.

Lucifer: I said that I would punish Mom, and I’m doing so here on earth. Deal maintained, loophole achieved.

Amenadiel: What if He doesn’t feel that way? There will be real consequences, Luci, for all of us. Especially me.

Lucifer: You know, I liked you better drunk.

Amenadiel: Tell me something, brother, what deal did you make? What was worth writing Father, of all people, a blank check?

Lucifer: Not a what. A who.

Amenadiel: (shocked at the implications of this revelation) You made a deal for Chloe’s life?

Lucifer: Don’t look at me like that! At the time, it made a certain amount of sense.

Amenadiel: Don’t you understand? You made a deal to return Mom to Hell. In exchange, Chloe’s life was spared.

Lucifer: Well, that’s one interpretation.

Amenadiel: Despite whatever loopholes you think you found, and the lies that you have told yourself, you still haven’t delivered on your end of the bargain. Luci, what if Dad decides to take back His side of the deal?

Lucifer: (laughs) One silly human soul? I can’t imagine Dad would take much interest in that.

(She is speaking with the landlord of Lily’s apartment on speakerphone.)

Chloe: Yes, two adult women and a child.

Man: (over the phone) Just bring over a deposit, and the apartment’s yours.

Chloe: Really? Oh, yeah, I will, uh… Great, I’ll drop off a check right away. Okay, thank you.

Man: Of course.

(Suddenly a car rams into hers with a loud crash. Glass shattering. Both cars spin around and come to a stop. Fade to black.)