S2 Ep08: Trip to Stabby Town

(Woman happily riding her bicycle along a path near the ocean and into a park when suddenly she is attacked by a man in a hoodie who knocks her to the ground.)

Woman: (gasps) What the hell?! Aah! Get off me! Help!

Woman: (distorted, echoing): Help…! (gasps)

Man: Stop! Stop!

Man 2: Leave her alone!

Man 3: Hey, man, stop!

(screams)

(Man chases woman down a dead-end alley. He throws her to the ground. As she is on her back trying to move away from him, she looks up and recognizes him.)

Woman: Wait. It’s you? You’re kidding me, right? We can totally work this out. (gasping)

(stabbing, grunting)

(stabbing continues)

(Lucifer is sitting on Dr. Linda’s couch.)

Lucifer: And so there we were, the detective and I, standing in her kitchen, and… she made me… a sandwich. (chuckles softly) I believe this is the part where you tell me it’s much more than just a sandwich. For example… maybe it was a gesture of intimacy. You know, the slices of bread representing, perhaps, the detective’s trust. Or… was it a mistrustful sandwich?

Linda: I…

Lucifer: Doctor, please, what delicious message was she sending me?

Linda: What about Hitler?

Lucifer: The sandwich is Hitler?

Linda: How did you actually t*rture Hitler in Hell? I mean, is his cell next to Idi Amin’s? Or Mussolini’s? Or is there kind of a-a-a… a tyrant wing in Hell?

Lucifer: Right. (chuckles) I suppose it was futile of me to think that you wouldn’t want to discuss the whole… “I’m really the Devil” thing.

Linda: The actual Devil?

Lucifer: (sighs) Look, I have to say… I was worried I’d never see you again. I thought I’d… scared you off for good.

Linda: Yes, well, Maze, of all people… well, of all… demons… gave me some needed clarity.

Lucifer: Did she, now?

Linda: Yes.

Lucifer: Right. Well, speaking of clarity, do you mind if we return to my current emotional growth?

Linda: Oh. Yes. Sorry.

Lucifer: Apology accepted. So, um… what do you think it means?

Linda: What about my Uncle Edwin? Is he down there? I mean, ’cause he was…

(chuckling) you know…. one… he was one bad mama jama.

(Lucifer and Chloe walk towards the crime scene.)

Lucifer: I think I’ve broken my therapist. And now she’s somewhere to the left of totally useless and to the right of babbling lunatic.

Chloe: Oh, so she’s you in a skirt.

Lucifer: Very funny. This is serious, Detective. I’m actually a bit worried for her.

Chloe: Hmm, I’m sure she’ll be fine, but if you need anyone to talk to, I’m here.

Lucifer: This is actually something I can’t discuss with you.

Chloe: What? I’m sure I can handle it. I’ve seen all your ugly parts by now.

(They walk up to Dan.)

Lucifer: Not even close, I’m afraid. Saved by the d*uche.

Dan: Our victim’s name is Maddie Howard. She was attacked when she left her apartment. The assailant chased her down the alley and stabbed her repeatedly. 19 times, to be exact.

Chloe: Overkill is usually a crime of passion… they probably knew each other. She was k*lled in broad daylight? There must have been witnesses.

Dan: Yeah, a bunch, but depending on who you ask, the k*ller was a male who’s either Hispanic, Caucasian or black, short or tall, brown or blond hair, or completely bald.

Lucifer: So we’re dealing with a shapeshifter.

Chloe: Well, eyewitness testimonies can be unreliable.

Ella: Yeah, people’s ojos go a little loco. Evidence, however, does not lie. We got substantial bruising to the skin, blade penetrated not only soft tissue but also bone. So the k*ller was big and strong. Also, blonde hair, so odds are really good we’re looking for a white guy.

Dan: Hey, guys. Got something over here. Tourist caught the beginning moments of the attack in the background of a photo.

Chloe: Did you get a look at the k*ller?

Dan: No, but look at this… we got a good look at the weapon. Pretty insane.

Chloe: Looks like a movie prop or something.

Lucifer: Can’t be.

Chloe: What do you mean, “Can’t be”?

Lucifer: A movie prop. Those things are rubber, aren’t they?

Ella: What?

Lucifer: I have to go.

(Lucifer rushes off, leaving the others bewildered.)

Maze: I don’t really have time for a hike, Lucifer. Bounty business is booming, okay? So this better be important.

Lucifer: It is.

Maze: Is this…?

Amenadiel: Where Lucifer buried Uriel. Yeah.

(birds chirping. We can see that there is now an open hole in the ground where Uriel was buried.)

Maze: Okay. So if you two want to cry it out, I’ll be in the car.

(Amenadiel grabs Maze’s arm and keeps her from leaving.)

Amenadiel: What’s happened, Lucifer?

Lucifer: Well, someone dug up the grave.

Amenadiel: Yeah, I can see that. But why? Uriel’s body is still there.

Lucifer: Yes, but Azrael’s blade isn’t.

Lucifer: (sighs) I believe the weapon of the Angel of Death is in human hands.

theme song

Maze: So let me get this straight: in human hands, Azrael’s blade wants to k*ll?

Amenadiel: It demands to be used to… to fulfill its purpose.

Lucifer: Humans are more… malleable than we are, so it whispers in their ears, beckons to be held… it takes any reason someone might want to hurt another and…

Amenadiel: Amplifies it a thousandfold.

Maze: So if someone leaves the toilet seat up…

Lucifer: Trip to stabby town, yes.

Maze: (soft chuckle) That’s one angry-a*s knife.

Lucifer: Yes, well, it was stolen from the Angel of Death. Sis is no sweet peach, is she?

Amenadiel: Listen, we’re wasting time here. We need to find the blade.

Maze: Why? So a few meter maids bite the dust, who cares? People off each other all the time.

Amenadiel: No, Maze, you don’t understand. This will accelerate. Passing from human to human, leaving an unimaginable trail of destruction in its wake.

Lucifer: Yes, nasty little thing. We need to retrieve it.

Amenadiel: Oh, I’m so glad you’re on board with this, Luci. I mean, who would’ve thought that bringing celestial objects to Earth might lead to such destruction?

Lucifer: Ooh, I like the smug. Much sexier than the earnest.

Amenadiel: I’m just surprised that you would actually take a little bit of responsibility.

Lucifer: I thought an unmarked grave in the middle of nowhere would be safe enough. Clearly, I was wrong.

Lucifer: But… I clean up my messes.

Maze: (chuckles) Well, good luck, you two.

Lucifer: (scoffs) You’ll want to help, Maze.

Maze: No, thanks. Let me remind you, I have a job.

Lucifer: And let me remind you that the blade doesn’t just k*ll humans. It also obliterates celestial beings, including demons. So, say the detective were to find it and bring it home…

Maze: I get snuffed out for not doing the dishes.

Lucifer: Which is why the detective can’t be part of this investigation. Now, I’ll need you two to move Uriel’s body. Somewhere it won’t be found this time.

Maze: Sure. (She moves towards the grave.)

Amenadiel: Very well.

Lucifer: And one note, you’re to do so without disturbing the grave site in the slightest, specifically that footprint there.

Maze: Why?

Lucifer: Because I’m going to get an expert to help me examine it.

(Lucifer pats Amenadiel on the shoulder as he turns and leaves.)

(Ella is looking into a microscope as Lucifer talks behind her.)

Ella: You need a favor?

Lucifer: Yes, your scientific expertise on a discreet matter.

Ella: Mm. Paternity test?

Lucifer: What? Do I look like someone who’d be so irresponsible? Uh, regardless, if you do this favor for me, then I’ll do a favor for you in return.

Ella: Lucifer, the whole point of a favor is to do it for free, okay? And then you just trust the love will come back to you somehow. Favors are about faith.

Lucifer: Ugh. Please don’t ruin favors for me. Look, come on, I insist. Tit for tat.

Ella: Fine, um… Well, there is something that I would like.

Lucifer: Mm?

Ella: But I’m not sure you can handle it.

Lucifer: Oh, well, now I’m intrigued.

Ella: I mean, it might be a little… inappropriate among colleagues.

Lucifer: Oh, right, even better. (Whispering and pointing to his ear.) Well, why don’t you, uh…

Ella: Well… (whispering in his ear) Okay, so…

(Chloe approaches the lab and sees Ella and Lucifer close together. She turns and leaves.)

Lucifer: (Jumping back in shock) Oh. No, no, no. Definitely not.

Ella: You’re the one who wanted tit for tat.

Lucifer: (chuckles) Yes, if only it were that simple. (sighs) All right, fine. You have a deal. Gosh, you’re a nasty little nerd, aren’t you?

(Ella smiles, looking satisfied.)

(Lucifer and Ella approach the open hole in the ground.)

Lucifer: Right. Here we are.

Ella: Does your favor involve k*lling me?

(Lucifer pushes her and chuckles, Ella yelps)

Lucifer: I’m just kidding, no. I need you to do your forensic whatnots and work out what disturbed this area.

Ella: Uh, you mean this empty grave?

Lucifer: Look, you said to me that favors were about faith, right?

Ella: Yeah.

Lucifer: Well, I’m asking you to have faith in me. And know that I wouldn’t ask anything untoward of you.

Ella: You know, when you use my own words against me like that, it’s actually really hard to say no.

Lucifer: I know. There are some very interesting footprints over there.

Ella: Well, it looks like we got a man’s sneaker. Okay, I’ll take a mold, but assuming it’s one of the major brands, I mean, you’re looking at a pool of, like, two million dudes in L.A. Maybe 10,000 robust ladies.

Lucifer: Well, I was hoping for something a little more specific.

Ella: That’s not how analytical science works. Whoa. Someone tried to burn something. It looks like there’s writing on one s… side. (chuckles) Yeah, I should be able to reconstruct this at the lab.

Lucifer: Ah, excellent. Right, whilst you do that, I’ll get back to the detective. Oh, and remember…

Ella: Yeah, don’t tell anyone about your super creepy non-grave grave. Got it.

Chloe: So you worked here with the deceased?

Corrina: We didn’t just work together. We didn’t just work together. I mean, Maddie was a friend. The person who introduced me to the Glory Way. God, I can’t believe that she’s dead.

Chloe: I’m sorry. The glory, what?

Lucifer: The glory hole.

Corrina: The Glory Way.

Lucifer: Ah.

Corrina: Developed by our guru, Jenson Glory. The Glory Way is a mind-and-body sensibility system designed to reveal what we call the “home you.”

Lucifer: Right. Do people actually believe the word salad that you’re selling? (laughing) ‘Cause, I mean, look, I enjoy a taut, spandex-wrapped backside as much as the next chap, but that was one large helping of spiritual gobbledy-gook.

Corrina: Follow Jenson’s teachings, and you will uncover your true self.

Lucifer: And what if your true self is a 400-pound nimrod with flatulence issues? (Chloe nudges his arm) Just saying. Some things are better left buried

Chloe: Given the specifics of the m*rder, we’re looking for someone who had a real hatred for Maddie. Does anyone come to mind?

Corrina: No. Maddie was a wholesome soul, a true light.

Lucifer: What about petty grievances? Perhaps Maddie drank someone’s probiotic smoothie or did one too many peacock poses for someone’s taste?

Chloe: Lucifer.

Lucifer: No. Just… think. There must be some little disagreements. So why don’t you write us up a list? Anyone who so much as raised a patchouli-scented eyebrow in Maddie’s direction could be the k*ller. See…

Chloe: (Pulling Lucifer away) Excuse us.

Chloe: (to Lucifer) That’s not the profile of the mrderr we’re investigating.

Lucifer: I’m just being thorough, Detective. Like you said, “Shake the bushes until the truth flies free.”

Chloe: I don’t think I’ve ever said that before.

Lucifer: No?

Chloe: Uh-uh.

Lucifer: Oh. Perhaps it was Ms. Lopez.

Chloe: Mm. You’ve been spending a lot of time with Ella. You know, working together, I mean. (clears her throat)

(clears her throat)

Lucifer: Not particularly.

Chloe: Hmm.

Lucifer: Shall we see how this list is getting on?

Chloe: Mm-hmm.

(Ella is listening to music through earphones while she works.)

Ella: (humming)

Lucifer: (pulls an earbud from Ella’s ear) Glad to see you’re hard at work.

Ella: You know, studies show that the brain does some of its best work when it’s not trying. That’s why great ideas come in the shower.

Lucifer: For me, it’s usually women.

Ella: Hmm.

Lucifer: Any progress so far?

Ella: Damn straight.

Lucifer: Hmm.

Ella: I… rehydrated that burnt piece of paper we found at your super-creepy place using polyvinyl acetate.

Lucifer: Oh, it’s easy for you to say

Ella: I ran these pieces through a pattern-recognition program, and I found two things. First… what looks to be a map leading from downtown L.A. to that exact spot you took me to.

Lucifer: Right. What was the second thing?

Ella: Some business logo of a law firm.

Lucifer: What law firm?

(computer trilling, beeps. The logo appears on the TV screen.)

Lucifer: Bloody hell.

(door slams)

Goddess: I said no interruptions, so unless you’re that broad-shouldered intern from this morning…

Lucifer: Hello, Mum.

Goddess: Oh. (laughs) Hello, son.

Lucifer: It appears you’ve been busy. (dramatic music)

Goddess: I was getting bored with my mate and offspring, so I thought I’d dive into my employment. Not that hard once you read the law books.

Lucifer: What law books?

Goddess: Well, all of them. Took less than a weekend with time to teach the hubby new tricks. Have you ever heard of something called the reverse cowgirl?

Lucifer: Well, I’m thrilled, Mum, really, I am. Here you are studying law and the Kama Sutra. And drawing maps to Uriel’s grave! (slams a photo of the map pieces onto the desk)

Goddess: (picking up the photo, laughing) Did someone find the blade?

Lucifer: Oh, so you admit that you led a human to it?

Goddess: Well, not a human. More like ten.

Lucifer: Ten?

Goddess: Maybe 12. Uh…

Lucifer: But…

Goddess: 15? Only my craftiest clients. I mean, I had to make sure that someone would actually follow through and dig the damn thing up.

Lucifer: Why in the world would you tell people? What is wrong with you?!

Goddess: Me? If you didn’t want the blade found, you shouldn’t have left it in a hole in the ground!

Lucifer: A filled-in hole in the middle of nowhere, which no one would’ve possibly found if not for you!

Goddess: Yes. Well… there’s that.

Lucifer: (exasperated sigh) Besides, where else am I gonna hide it? Lux? You know how many people traipse through there each week?

Goddess: Well, I don’t know. Your bedroom, then.

Lucifer: Worse.

Goddess: Yes. You are sexually prolific. <em>(laughs)</em> Turns out, you get that from me.

Lucifer: Oh, Mum, why? Why would you release Azrael’s blade into the world?

Goddess: (sighs) Because I wanted to get your father’s attention. Your brother, Uriel… my son… died. Do you think it’s crazy that I wanted to talk about it? Mourn with him, maybe?! I… So I reached out, and guess what I got back.

Lucifer: Nothing.

Goddess: Yes. Like always. So I figured that if his toys started stabbing each other with a celestial blade, that maybe he might take a moment.

Lucifer: Humans are dying because of you.

Goddess: Well, humans die. They all do eventually. It’s what they were designed to do.

Lucifer: Yes, but not like this.

Goddess: Your vacation here has changed you. You seem attached to these creatures, and I can’t, for the life of me, figure out why.

Lucifer: Look, you say you want to stay here on Earth, to live with your sons, right? So, a choice: willingly help me get the blade back, or I’ll send Maze over here to give you some inspiration.

Goddess: Hmm. Fine. You’re k*lling my reverse cowgirl high.

Lucifer: I…

(Chloe is on her cell phone talking as she looks at papers on the crime board.)

Chloe: LAPD investigation, that’s right. Uh, just your whereabouts around 7:00 a.m. this morning. Okay. Can you prove that? Right. Thank you.

(hangs up call, turns, and starts talking to Dan who is sitting at her desk.)

Chloe: So the guy that complained Maddie didn’t have enough cool-down time was at an ashram in Sedona, so, not our guy.

Dan: My pudding’s gone. (sigh)

Chloe: I’m sorry?

Dan: In the break room fridge, my pudding… Clearly labeled “Dan”… It’s gone. Not the first time, either.

Chloe: Wow. Do you want me to put some unis on it? Want me to schedule a stakeout? Are you even okay?

Dan: No, Chloe. I’m just saying that man’s snacks… they’re sacred, okay?

Chloe: Okay.

(Ella walks by them carrying a box)

Ella: What up, detective people?

Chloe: Hey.

Dan: Hey.

Chloe: Are Lucifer and Ella working on a case that I don’t know about?

Dan: Mm. Why?

Chloe: No reason, they just seem to be spending a lot of time together.

Dan: Is someone jealous?

Chloe: What? No. No way. Gross.

Dan: ‘Cause you can tell me if you are. I mean… we can be there for each other, as friends. Even… even if it’s about another guy.

Chloe: Right, but Lucifer’s not another guy. He’s a weirdo. This is about partnership, nothing more. Partners don’t keep secrets.

Dan: Well, maybe with Ella, it’s more than just sex; maybe it’s… a little more serious.

Chloe: Huh? No, it’s not like Lucifer… I don’t think he…

(Now we see Lucifer standing behind her.)

Lucifer: “Not like Lucifer,” wha-what?

Chloe: (stunned, she tries to think of something to say.) Likes poker. Dan has a monthly game.

Lucifer: Oh, no, I love a good gamble. Count me in. Right, where’s that list of grievances against poor Maddie?

Chloe: There… all right, there you go.

Lucifer: Lovely, thank you.

(Lucifer turns to look at the list and compares it to a list of names he wrote on the palm of his hand, of the names the Goddess gave him. Dan and Chloe whisper behind him.)

Dan: Why would you do that?

Chloe: Okay, now you’re making it weird.

Dan: You’re making it weird.

Chloe: You’re making it weirder.

Dan: Sorry.

Chloe: I’ll make it weird on your face.

Lucifer: Duncan Watts is our k*ller.

Chloe: (taking the list back from Lucifer) What makes you say that?

Lucifer: Well, just a hunch.

Chloe: (turns and starts typing on computer) Duncan Watts. His offices are upstairs above the yoga studio. Oh, and he’s Maddie and Corrina’s landlord.

Dan: Duncan was apparently upset that Maddie kept parking in his spot. He also tried to have the yoga studio evicted a few months ago. Neither of which is really a reason for 19 stabs.

Lucifer: Yes, but just look at his stabby mug, hmm? Blond hair, thick neck, which suggests Cro-Magnon strength. Just as our dear Ella guesstimated.

Dan: (whispering in Chloe’s ear) Ah, “dear Ella.”

Chloe: (to Lucifer) Hmm. Where you going?

Lucifer: I’m just off to see this Duncan chap.

Chloe: No. We will go together like partners, okay?

Lucifer: Right, yes, I-I just need to make a quick phone call first.

Chloe: Oh, okay. No worries. (remains standing close to him)

Lucifer: Private phone call, Detective. Just give me a moment.

Chloe: Yeah, sure.

(Maze and Amenadiel have broken into Duncan’s office and are pulling things apart and making a mess)

Maze: You sure this is the right place?

Amenadiel: Duncan Watts, Maze. That’s the name Lucifer gave me.

Maze: I got nothing.

Amenadiel: Yeah, me neither.

Maze: Even if we find the blade, it’s a temporary fix. Your mom is the problem.

Amenadiel: (scoffs)

Maze: She released the blade to create chaos, and you two respond by coddling her.

Amenadiel: Nobody’s coddling her, all right?

Maze: Tell yourself whatever you want, but you know it’s true, and it explains a lot.

Amenadiel: Explains what?

Maze: (soft chuckle) Doesn’t really matter anymore, but, just so you know, this whole mama’s boy thing? Kind of a turnoff.

Amenadiel: (getting in her face) Oh, yeah? Well, your whole “skintight leather, hot body everywhere” thing?

Maze: Mm-hmm?

Amenadiel: (stammering) It’s really not that… It’s not… It’s not that-that great.

Maze: Yeah, it is.

(car pulling up)

Maze: They’re here.

Amenadiel: Yeah, we should probably warn Lucifer.

Lucifer: Well?

(Lucifer rushes through the door ahead of Chloe to get to Maze and Amenadiel before she gets there)

(The three meet on the stairs)

Lucifer: Well?

Amenadiel: There’s no blade.

Lucifer: (sighs) Right, use the back way out.

(Maze and Amenadiel rush back up the stairs as Lucifer scoffs and turns back towards the door as Chloe comes in)

Lucifer: Ah, Detective, you know, after reflection, I think you’re right. Parking space thievery is no motive for m*rder.

Chloe: What is going on with you? First, you’re so eager to get here, you practically jump out of my car before I’ve parked, and now you want to leave. What are you hiding?

Lucifer: Hiding? What would I be hiding?

Chloe: Blood.

Lucifer: What?

(Chloe walks down the hall to find a bloody handprint on a door’s glass. She peers in to see a dead body. She makes a phone call.)

Chloe: This is Unit 831 requesting backup. Soul Depot, 15534 Hillgreen Drive.

Chloe: (She pulls her gun as Lucifer opens the door. She kneels down next to the body.) It’s Duncan.

Lucifer: Oh, must’ve been some parking space.

(He looks up and starts walking to another part of the room, where more bodies lie on the floor.)

Lucifer: Uh, Detective.

Chloe: Yeah.

Lucifer: Seems this class took corpse pose quite literally.

(indistinct police radio chatter)

(camera shutter clicking)

(The forensic team and other police have arrived.)

Lucifer: So, no sign of the m*rder weapon?

Chloe: Uh-uh.

Lucifer: Are you sure? (Chloe nods) Right. Nothing left for us to do here, then, I suppose.

Chloe: Except for figuring out how six people were klled. I’m thinking the primary kller was Duncan. k*lling Maddie didn’t satiate his anger, so he went after her clients and probably got stabbed when one of them defended themselves.

Lucifer: I doubt it. More likely, the weapon was passed from one person to the next in a game of murderous hot potato.

Chloe: That’s insane.

Ella: I know, right? Totally insane and probably exactly what happened. I say this with huge respect for the dead, but this case is totally gonna be a panel at the next forensic conference. Okay. So based on my preliminary assessment of the wounds, it looks like Duncan came through the door, attacked victim number two with the same weapon used to k*ll Maddie Howard. But Duncan had ligature marks on his neck, like someone strangled him from behind with a yoga strap. Like… this, here.

Lucifer: Oh.

Ella: Right? Which is when he attacked victim number three. But victim number three had defensive wounds that matched skin flecks under the fingernails of number four, so I’m thinking Duncan dropped the knife… Okay, number four picked it up, right? Attacked number three, like this.

Lucifer: Right, and then at some point, number five got involved. And so on and so on, until full yoga m*ssacre.

Ella: Oh, that will be what the panel’s called, Full Yoga m*ssacre 2016.

Lucifer: Very good.

Ella: Okay, so, say that all happened like you just said it did, which is crazy. There are seven mats and seven bodies.

Ella: Yeah. So?

Chloe: So Duncan was the pissed off landlord, not the class attendee. Subtract him, we’re missing one yogi.

Ella: Okay, well, all of the bodies were situated around these six mats… The student mats.

Chloe: So that could be the teacher’s mat, maybe. The teacher must have been here. Get this. Teacher training taught by Jenson Glory himself.

Ella: I mean, his body’s not among the dead. Could be our missing victim.

Lucifer: Slash attacker.

Chloe: Guy’s a piece of work.

(Chloe and Dan discuss the new evidence in the case.)

Chloe: Jenson Glory, his real name is Jamie Ostrowski. Soul Depot is the latest in a long line of failed fitness enterprises. Glory has five fraud lawsuits, two sexual harassment claims working their way through the court system.

Dan: Sexual harassment?

Chloe: Yeah, former assistants. Both beautiful young women, like Maddie. Oh, and look at the contract that they sign when students join Soul Depot.

Dan: (reading from form) “I surrender myself to Soul Depot, body, mind and soul, and to the only true guru of health and serenity, Jenson Glory.” Wow.

Chloe: Pretty much a cult.

Dan: Think he brainwashed his students into a Jonestown-type thing?

Chloe: Kind of a stretch, right?

Dan: That a yoga pun?

Chloe: No. It’s an honest question. I mean, drinking cyanide juice is one thing, but a bunch of people stabbing each other?

(Dr. Linda is lying on the couch while Lucifer sits in her chair.)

Dr. Linda: Totally insane! A magic blade in Los Angeles, which belongs to the Angel of Death?

Lucifer: Now, in the hands of a yogi shyster who’s apparently touchy-feely in more ways than one.

Linda: Okay, can we go back to the Angel of Death? Is he… uh, is he another one of your brothers?

Lucifer: Sister, actually.

Linda: The Angel of Death is a chick? Yes, I sort of wish we were back to talking in metaphors.

Dr. Linda: That makes two of us.

Lucifer: Because I do actually have things that I’d like to talk about, Doctor.

Linda: (sitting up and gathering herself) Oh. Oh, yes. I’m so sorry. Yes. Please.

Lucifer: Right. So, my mum asked me why I care so much about these people dying, and I’m not sure I know. I mean, it’s not like I know them personally, and Maze is right… Even without Azrael’s blade, humans are capricious. (laughing): Hell, they’re willing to trade their souls to lose unsightly tummy fat, but… So… (sighs) why should I feel bad? Why should I feel responsible? And… (snapping his fingers at her) why am I doing my own therapy?

Linda: Lucifer, I’m sorry. I’m trying to digest this whole thing myself. And, well, there is no listing in the DSM-5 for Azrael’s Blade Anxiety.

(phone buzzes. Text says “We have Jenson Glory in interrogation)

Lucifer: Oh. Excuse me. Ah, the guru with the doo-doo juju has been picked up. So, I’m afraid that’s all we’ve got time for today. (sounding like the therapist. Dr. Linda looks distracted) Just… call me if you need to reschedule.

(Jenson Glory is seated at the table. Chloe stands with a file in her hands.)

Jenson: I wasn’t even at the studio, actually.

Chloe: That’s not what the schedule says.

Jenson: May I have a tea? Siberian ginseng if you have it.

(At that moment, Lucifer enters the room)

Lucifer: Well… Hello, Richard Simmons. Sorry I’m late. Where’s the knife?

Jenson: Who is this tense man?

Chloe: Okay, back to the teacher training class. Can you prove that you weren’t there?

Jenson: Of course, there’s a computer system… All of the teachers have to swipe a key card. Even me. Check it.

Chloe: So, where were you?

Jenson: Home. I missed the last few classes, actually. I’ve been… sick.

Lucifer: Obsessing over a new toy, more like.

Jenson: What are you talking about?

Lucifer: I’m talking about something that’s probably beckoning you as we speak. Whispering to you to do terrible things. Wretched, sinful deeds.

Jenson: (Lucifer’s influence prompts Jenson to speak honestly.) That… that’s true… I-I want…

Lucifer: Go on, tell me. Tell me what you want, what you really, really want.

Jenson: I want… a raspberry cream cheese muffin. And… and-and to take this thing… off!

(Jensen opens his shirt and rips off a corset that was holding his belly flat.)

Lucifer: Oh, my… Oh. Expecting twins, are we?

Jenson: Hey, I backslid a little bit, all right? Carbs are the Devil’s spawn, man.

Lucifer: Don’t blame your weaknesses on me.

Jenson: Huh?

Chloe: Is that why you didn’t show up to the class? Because you gained weight?

Jenson: Of course. No one’s gonna find their “home self” from a guru who looks like he ate all the furniture.

Lucifer: Well, I think I’d rather be chubby than a handsy dipstick in a corset.

Jenson: That’s it. I want my lawyer now.

Lucifer: Well, don’t eat him.

(Lucifer stands with a drink in his hand as Amenadiel and Maze enter from the elevator)

Amenadiel: All right, listen, we searched Glory’s house, his car, his other car… There is no blade.

Maze: We did find a safe in the basement. (empties a bag of foil-wrapped items on the bar) Pop-Tarts.

Lucifer: Which… you stole?

Maze: Ah, I figured it’s a win-win. I’m saving the evil guru from future fat, and, you know, Pop-Tarts.

Lucifer: (handing a slip of paper to Amenadiel) Mr. Glory has a second home in Ventura. If you wouldn’t mind.

Amenadiel: Okay, we’ll check it out, but… Luci, if he’s the one with the blade, he’s much more likely to go on a k*lling spree than to stash it.

(elevator bell dings as Amenadiel and Maze leave. Lucifer picks up a Pop-Tart and walks towards the sofa. Behind him, the elevator dings again and the doors open. Without turning, he says…)

Lucifer: Ah. Come back for your processed pastries? Ms. Lopez! Well, this is a surprise. Have you found something new?

Ella: Oh, I found something all right. (holding up a paper for him to see.)

Lucifer: Proof of Bigfoot?

Ella: Tread on the shoes Duncan Watts was wearing when he was found dead. Tread that you showed me at your super weirdo hole in the ground. They match, which means that this case and your favor are connected. Start talkin’, dude.

Lucifer: (scoffs nervously)

Ella: Do you have something to do with these murders?

Lucifer: (scoffs)

Ella: Come clean with me. Or I can’t keep this a secret anymore.

Lucifer: You see, that’s just it. The last person I came clean with became a tad untethered.

Ella: Dude, I grew up in Detroit.

Lucifer: Look, all I can tell you is I’m dealing with a matter of cosmic importance and I ask you to indulge me for just a little longer.

Ella: You mean have faith?

Lucifer: (scoffs) Tomato, tomahto.

Ella: Well, I guess faith isn’t faith unless it’s tested. Bring it in. (hugs Lucifer around his waist)

Lucifer: What? Oh.( He begrudgingly hugs her back.)

(elevator bell dings and Chloe enters, seeing them embracing)

Chloe: Ella.

Lucifer: Detective.

Ella: Oh, um… I was just… uh, you see, there’s this, uh, store that has really special… soap. (walks towards elevator) And, you know, but I should really get going now and… clean stuff with the soap. Bye!

Lucifer: (to Ella) Enjoy your shower. (elevator door closes) (to Chloe) So, um… to what do I owe this pleasure?

Chloe: Jenson’s home security system shows video of him sleeping during the murders, so he wasn’t lying about that. We checked the key card system at Soul Depot, and guess who was subbing for Jenson. Corrina, Maddie’s co-manager.

Lucifer: Right, and where’s Corrina now?

Chloe: We checked her house, she wasn’t there. Forensics confirms that she didn’t k*ll anyone at Soul Depot, so she’s either running, hiding, or scared. I put out a BOLO.

Lucifer: Yeah, I don’t think Corrina’s the one running this time. (he moves quickly to the elevator and leaves Chloe bewildered in the penthouse)

Chloe: What? Where are you going? Hello?

Lucifer: Hello? Anyone here yielding a deadly, celestial blade? Huh? Anyone?

(He stops when he sees Corrina standing in the living room over Jenson’s dead body with The Blade still in his chest)

Lucifer: Well, that’ll be a resounding yes.

Corrina: I… I don’t know what happened. I was in class, and Duncan barged in. It was horrible. All that k*lling… and the knife was on the ground.

Lucifer: It started calling you.

Corrina: Did I do that?

Lucifer: Yes. You got retribution for a grudge, I believe. But it wasn’t an insignificant grudge, was it? Did he harass you like the others? Or was it worse than that?

Corrina: Years ago. We were alone in the studio. I-I… I said no. I swear, but he wouldn’t stop. I-I… I tried to forget. I…

Lucifer: You tried to bury it deep. Get on with your life. You might have succeeded, if not for… (sighs) …the blade.

(Chloe enters from the hallway, gun drawn)

Chloe: LAPD, hands in the air.

Dan: Move away from the body, Corinna. Now!

Corrina: I… I-I k*lled him. I-I did this. I…

Lucifer: Acted in self-defense. Mr. Glory attacked Corrina first. She had no choice but to wield that knife, Detective. I think, in this case, justice has actually been served.

Chloe: (speaking to nearby officer) Henderson, take her statement.

Henderson: (Taking Corrina by the arm and leading her out of the room. )Come with me.

Lucifer: Where’s the m*rder weapon?

Chloe: What? Unis shouldn’t have bagged it without taking photos.

Lucifer: (he starts desperately searching) They couldn’t help themselves. Anyone else feeling a murderous urge? No? The need to slice and dice? Anyone?

(Lucifer continues his search outside near the pool. He stops short when he sees Dan standing by the pool staring into space.)

Lucifer: Oh, God. Oh, no. Detective d*uche… Daniel. Dan. Why don’t you put down the knife, hmm? Bury the proverbial hatchet and all that? I mean, I know we’ve had our differences in the past, but we’re friends now, right?

Dan: (points the Blade at Lucifer) You ruined my marriage.

Lucifer: I’ll take that as a no.

Lucifer: My life went to hell when I met you! (swipes the Blade towards Lucifer)

Lucifer: Hey! Well, technically, that’s not true, but I understand the basic metaphor.

Lucifer: (yells as Dan slashes again, this time cutting through a nearby marble statue)

Lucifer: Easy with the blade, Detective. One deep cut, and yours truly could be wiped from existence.

Dan: Prayers answered.

Lucifer: (yells. Dan continues to slice and catches Lucifer across the midsection, causing him to bleed through his shirt) What?!… Okay, Detective, I can assure you your current mood will be rectified by simply putting down the knife.

Dan: My entire life imploded because of you.

Lucifer: What? (he tries to hide behind a cardboard cutout of Jenson)

Dan: My marriage! (grunts) My job. My snacks

Lucifer: What?

Dan: I know you ate my pudding. (grunts as he pokes the Blade through the cutout)

Lucifer: You’re really going to smite me over a tub of sweetened goo?

Dan: (yells) You’re damn right I am.

Lucifer: Dan… Dan. Recent friend. Growing compatriot. Your marriage was already on the rocks. You started cutting procedural corners way before I arrived, and as for your pudding… (exclaims) As for your pudding, I… Okay, yes. I sometimes lay waste to the precinct fridge. But have mercy, Daniel. How was I supposed to know it was yours?

Dan: (screams while holding the Blade to Lucifer’s throat) Because it was labeled!

(Suddenly, Dan seems to start coming to his senses and looks at the Blade.)

Lucifer: You’re fighting the blade, which indicates a strength I didn’t know you had. Look at me in the eye. Look at me. Your marriage. Did I ruin it?

Dan: No. No. We were separated before Chloe even met you.

Lucifer: And your career?

Dan: Palmetto… was all me.

(Lucifer cautiously reaches up and takes the Blade from Dan. Dan jumps back, now released from the Blade’s control. He looks around, bewildered.)

Dan: W-What are we doing back here?

Lucifer: Hmm? Oh, just a nice, intimate chat between friends. I’m glad you got it off your chest.

Dan: Oh, man, you’re bleeding.

Lucifer: What? Oh. No, it’s just a scratch, really. Nothing to worry about. And you? How are you doing?

Dan: (laughs) I feel great, actually.

Lucifer: Good. Good talk.

(Dan wanders off. Lucifer hides the Blade inside his coat)

(Lucifer enters as Chloe sorts through evidence bags.)

Lucifer: Ah! Good morning, Detective. Everything all right?

Chloe: No. Heads are gonna roll. First, some tech pulled the m*rder weapon without documentation, and now it’s just gone.

Lucifer: Right. Well, it’s probably for the best. Nasty bit of steel, anyway.

Chloe: So, one second you’re obsessed with the knife, and now it’s just no big deal?

Lucifer: Well, we got the mrderr, didn’t we? Job done.

Chloe: You know, Lucifer… I thought you and I had a real moment the other day, talking about my dad, I… I thought we were partners, but more importantly, friends. (clears throat)

Lucifer: Right. Is this about me and Ella in the penthouse?

Chloe: Look, who you sleep with is none of my business, but…I mean, the lab tech? Really? It’s a little inappropriate.

Lucifer: Well, much as I love to cross professional boundaries, Detective, I can assure you, everything you saw was entirely work-related.

Chloe: (taken aback) Mm-hmm? Is that… is that the truth?

Lucifer: Always the truth. Point of pride for me, Detective.

Chloe: Gotcha.

Lucifer: But you know, if you ever did want to cross boundaries into “partnered friends who hang out naked…”

Chloe: (she pushes past him) Okay. Stop talking.

Lucifer: (chuckles)

Linda: So, global crisis averted?

Lucifer: (chuckles) Yes. For now. So, we can… You know, talk about Caligula, Stalin, Trump. I mean, I know he’s not dead, but he’s definitely going.

Dr. Linda: Lucifer, I owe you an apology. But in my defense… you’re the Devil. (chuckles) Things were much less complicated when I thought you were just another average delusional patient with a complicated family.

Lucifer: Well, I’ve never been “average,” Linda. Mentally, physically… And as you know… Sexually.

Dr. Linda: Oh, my God. I had sex with the Devil.

Lucifer: Many, many times. And you’re welcome.

Linda: Okay, now, see, that I understand. Narcissistic tendencies rooted in a complex paternal relationship and a disrupted adolescence.

Lucifer: See? Just another screwed-up patient. And you can treat me as such.

(sighs)

Dr. Linda: (sighs) All right. Let’s do this.

(Lucifer sits on the couch and Dr. Linda sits in her chair)

Dr. Linda: The doctor is in.

Lucifer: Lovely.

Lucifer: I really do have urgent business to attend to. Are you certain that this is the favor that you desire? Because, uh, believe me, when I say the last two times I’ve darkened the doorstep of a church, insert blood-soaked carnage here.

Ella: Again, with the drama! We solved your case, now I get my favor. Just go with me, okay? Look, since the moment we’ve met, okay, I’ve had this Spidey-sense that you were… I don’t know, searching for something.

Lucifer: Right. Spiritual lost and found.

Ella: Yes! And I have found a lot since I developed a relationship with the Big Guy, and… so might you.

Lucifer: Trust me. We’re much closer than you think.

Ella: Well, then, no harm, no foul.

Lucifer: I beg to differ. (he sees a beautiful woman pass them and go towards the church entrance) Oh. On second thought… What? I should at least give someone a reason to go to confession.

(Ella shakes her head and follows him towards the church)

(Lucifer pour Amenadiel a drink while holding the Blade)

Amenadiel: So, where will you put it, brother?

Lucifer: Somewhere far away from our mum, for starters.

(Elevator doors open and The Goddess enters.)

Lucifer: Mm! And speak of the Devil’s mum.

Goddess: Well, that was fast. You couldn’t have waited a day or two to find it? There hasn’t been nearly enough carnage. Now we’ll never hear from your father.

Lucifer: All the k*lling in the world may not have gotten his attention, Mum. Surely you’ve learned that by now.

Goddess: Uriel was our son. Your brother. We should grieve together

Lucifer: I don’t think that’s all this is about. You want something from Him. What is it?

Goddess: What I’ve always wanted. I want my family back.

Lucifer: I’m afraid that’s not possible.

Goddess: Oh, but it is. With my two sons by my side, a united front, your father will be forced to listen to reason.

Lucifer: Force Dad? I think human delusion is rubbing off on you, Mother. Tell her.

Amenadiel: Luci, I can’t, because I agree with her.

Lucifer: (sets down glass) I thought you were just Team Mum because you couldn’t fly her back to Hell. Since when did you turn?

Amenadiel: Now, more than ever, I know that humanity and divinity do not mix. That… that blade, Luci. That blade was the last straw. It shouldn’t be here. We shouldn’t be here.

Lucifer: (laughing): Well, I am not going back to Hell.

Goddess: Oh, this isn’t about returning to Hell. This is about Heaven. It’s about going home.

Lucifer: Home. For you, maybe. Neither of you understand, do you? You never have. Hell wasn’t home, and Heaven was… well… hell! The only place I’ve ever felt wanted or respected…

Goddess: Is here? With humanity?

Lucifer: Yes. This is my home. Deal with it, Mother.

(Lucifer, angry, holding the Blade as he yells at the Goddess. The Goddess notices that the Blade briefly begins to burn blue flame.)

Goddess: Fine. Fine. No sense arguing. (to Amenadiel) Time to go. (to Lucifer) Careful. It’s sharp.

Goddess: No sense arguing. Time to go. Careful. It’s sharp.

Amenadiel and The Goddess stand in the elevator

Goddess: (speaking to Amenadiel in a quiet voice) What’s that saying? “When my dear husband closes a door, he opens a window.” The window just opened.

(They both look at Lucifer, who is holding the Blade.)