S2 Ep16: God Johnson

(Lucifer is on a gurney in a hospital being rolled down a dark hallway. He’s muttering to himself and acting like he is on drugs.)

Lucifer: I’m not the Devil, I’m just a man who’s delusional. I made it all up. I made it all… Up.

(36 hours earlier, Lucifer has a session with Linda.)

Lucifer: I’m doing great.

Linda: (hesitant) Great. Great is… Good…

Lucifer: Okay, good talk. (he stands to leave) Same time next week?

Linda: Uh, sorry, it’s just that… Some of the things that you said in our last session raised some issues for me.

Lucifer: (he sits back down on sofa) Do tell.

Linda: So this secret plan to cut through the Gates of Heaven…

Lucifer: Well, actually, we’ve hit a bit of a snag with that. The Flaming Sword’s kaput. Now, we can’t work out what’s wrong with it, and until we can, we’re in a bit of a holding pattern.

Linda: Ah, that’s a relief.

Lucifer: Well, why would you say that?

Linda: God and His ex having a fight to the death? Sounds kind of bad for, you know, humanity.

Lucifer: (dismissively) Oh, you’ll probably be fine.

Linda: Probably? That’s not exactly reassuring. What does Maze think of your plan?

Lucifer: Well, I don’t know. I haven’t told her. Hence the secret part of the secret plan.

Linda: She’s your best friend.

Lucifer: Yes, well, as much as I love my little sex thug, Maze can do things that she thinks are in my best interest that turn out to be, well, disastrous. And I can’t afford that.

Linda: Hmm.

Lucifer: But the good news is she’s busy focusing on her new bestie right now. The Detective. They’re practically inseparable.

(Chloe is sneaking around trying to avoid Maze when Maze unexpectedly appears behind her.)

Maze: Hey, roomie. Where you going?

Chloe: Maze, hey. Um, I’m on my way to work. I’m running late.

Maze: Oh, no, but you haven’t had breakfast, come on.

Chloe: No, I’m… Oh, yeah, no, I’m not hungry.

Maze: Yeah, I know, the whole boring domestic thing… Not my jam. I should stick to managing the social part of our friendship. You want to kick someone’s a*s?

Chloe: Maze, I feel like, you know, we’ve been hanging out a lot lately. And I think perhaps we should expand our circle of friends.

Maze: I got you, Decker.

Chloe: Yeah? You do?

Maze: I smell what you’re stepping in… Trust me.

(Chloe and Lucifer are walking in a hospital’s hallway.)

Chloe: You know, you should give a Maze a call. Hasn’t it been a while since you two hung out?

Lucifer: Tired of tripping over her sex toys, are you?

Chloe: I didn’t say that. I just think it would do her, and me, some good if she wasn’t around all the time.

Lucifer: Well, here’s the thing. Maze is like one of those little baby birds that imprints on whatever’s near. Sadly, that’s you. You are the new me.

Chloe: I don’t want to be you. I just want some space.

Lucifer: Oh. Eventually Maze will find her place, but until then, what’s the worst that could happen?

(They enter the crime scene.)

Ella: m*rder. Confirmed. Blunt-force trauma to the back of the head. The victim got hit with this backgammon board.

Lucifer: Not very sportsmanlike.

Ella: Hmm-mm. He was an orderly. Toby Mulligan, 32. Body was found here.

Chloe: Okay. They interview the staff or the patients yet?

Ella: No, not yet. It’s a psychiatric hospital, so the staff didn’t want the patients wigging out over the dead body. They’ve been busy moving everyone to a different floor.

Lucifer: I love the mentally ill. I mean, who isn’t amused by someone who thinks they’re Elvis or Napoleon or Wesley Snipes?

Chloe: Who found the body?

Dan: God.

Lucifer: Ah! See?!

Dan: God Johnson, he’s a patient. He’s right in there. The guy actually thinks he’s God. He changed his name and everything.

Chloe: Oh. You two should have a lot to talk about.

Lucifer: Yes. I would like to have a chat with the Almighty.

Dan: Cool your jets, man, all right? There’s a whole bunch of bureaucratic hoops to jump through to set up an interview. The hospital administrator has all the info.

(Dan and Chloe leave for the hospital administrator’s office, leaving Lucifer at the crime scene. Lucifer enters an adjoining room to talk to God Johnson.)

Lucifer: Well, hello, God.

God Johnson: Hello, my son.

Lucifer: Right, yes, I suppose that would be the standard way to greet your children. Nice touch.

God Johnson: What can I do for you?

Lucifer: Well, it’s what I can do for you that’s exciting. See, I can reveal the truth about the Supreme Being you’ve chosen to impersonate. I bet you wanted to be God because He’s benevolent, all-powerful, yada yada. But in actual fact, He’s a d*ck.

God Johnson: Look, if you want to be angry with me, you just go right on ahead. I can be anything you need me to be.

Lucifer: Right, enough of this idle chit-chat. Time to tell you what the charade’s really about. What do you desire? Hmm? To avoid a vengeful ex-wife? Years of back taxes? What’s your game?

(Lucifer is using his power of desire on God Johnson; it’s not working.)

God Johnson: Is this a staring contest? ‘Cause, you know, I’m pretty good at those.

Lucifer: How is this possible? Oh, right, yes, I bet you’re on some really amazing drugs, aren’t you? If so, share-zies.

(A nurse enters.)

Nurse: You’re not supposed to be in here.

Lucifer: Oh, never mind. I’m done with this fraud, anyway. h(e turns and walks about of the room)

God Johnson: It was real good seeing you, Samael.

Lucifer: What did you say? (shocked, he slowly turns to face God) Dad?

(Lucifer talks with Amenadiel about God Johnson.)

Lucifer: Has Dad ever visited Earth before?

Amenadiel: Not that I’m aware of. And besides, why would He do so now?

Lucifer: Mm. I don’t know, maybe because we’re plotting to overthrow Him.

Amenadiel: Even so, Luci, that’s not the way Dad operates. If He has a problem, He sends an emissary, like me, or maybe a burning bush.

Lucifer: So how does this God Johnson know Samael, hmm? My name.

Amenadiel: Oh, wait, I know.

Lucifer: You do?

Amenadiel: The Internet! It’s truly amazing what you can find online. Have you seen that video with the cat that jumps inside the box?

Lucifer: Very funny, but I didn’t even introduce myself as Lucifer. And there’s something strange about… I can’t explain it.

Amenadiel: Because it’s just crazy talk coming from a mentally ill human.

Lucifer: Well, there might be another reason.

Amenadiel: Right. What’s that?

Lucifer: Well, Earth is His favorite toy. Maybe He got fed up of looking at it from afar. I mean, it’s not an entirely awful place. Even you have to admit that.

Amenadiel: Now you’re the one sounding crazy, Luci, because Earth… Earth is nothing compared to Heaven.

Lucifer: Oh, come now, brother. I think you’ve grown to like the place, haven’t you? Come on, be honest. When we return to Heaven, there must be something that you’re gonna miss, eh? Or someone, maybe? Someone in tight leather pants with a penchant for knives? I’m referring to Maze, of course.

(Chloe, Lucifer, and Ella are at the lab.)

Ella: Come on, guys. Is it really so crazy? I mean, what if God was one of us?

Chloe: Just a slob, like one of us.

Ella: Exactly. Or just a…

Chloe: A stranger on a bus.

Lucifer: My father would never use public transport. That song is completely unrealistic.

Ella: What song?

Lucifer: The song I hate almost as much as I hate these hypocrites, like God Johnson.

Chloe: Hypocrite? Hmm, I don’t know. I see some similarities between the two of you.

Lucifer: That man is not my father.

Ella: Well, good thing, ’cause he might be our k*ller. Whaaat? Oh, my God, Ella, how do you know that? I’ll tell you how I know that, because our victim was bald. It’s very hard to get prints off a body, so I whipped out the ultraviolet alternate light source, and… Boom, complete set on the victim’s noggin. They match one Earl Johnson, wealthy oil magnate from Odessa, Texas.

Chloe: Huh. It says here his wife committed him a few months ago after he gave all of his money away and started calling himself “God.” Mr. Johnson never said that he touched the victim’s body.

Lucifer: Left out the k*lling part as well. And proving he’s the k*ller is the perfect way to expose his false idolatry. Right, shall we?

Chloe: (annoyed) No, we shan’t. Because you spoke to him without permission, I had to apply for a special hearing just to interview him. That’ll take at least a few days, so thank you for that.

(Lucifer enters the hospital with a bag.)

Lucifer: Hello, there. I’d like a suite for the evening, please. Preferably one with a view.

Receptionist: Are you joking? This is a psychiatric hospital.

Lucifer: Apologies, I’m skipping ahead. Uh, I am the one and only Lucifer Morningstar… The Devil. Dark Lord? Oh, for goodness sake, Beelzebub! Look, I clearly need to be committed right away.

Receptionist: Yeah, we’re at near capacity, pal. So unless you’re a danger to yourself or others…

(Lucifer grabs the receptionist by the shirt and pulls him so that his face is smooched against the glass.)

Lucifer: How’s that?

Receptionist: Great.

Lucifer: Lovely.

(Dan opens the fridge and can’t find what he is looking for. Annoyed, he goes and talks to the room of officers.)

Dan: Dammit! Who stole my pudding again? Huh? Markowitz?

(From behind Dan, the Goddess arrives, eating a pudding.)

Goddess: Want a taste?

Dan: Don’t you have better things to do than to raid our fridge?

Goddess: I was about to leave this place altogether, but I hit an unexpected snag… Now I need to distract myself with something… Hello, something. (She reaches out to caress Dan’s face.)

Dan: You know, just in case I’m giving off an “I have zero self-respect” vibe, let me make it clear… Hands off. I’d rather sit at home alone, and in the dark, than to hang out with you. (He walks away.)

Goddess: Sassy. I like it.

(Lucifer talks to the patients.)

Lucifer: Deal me in, gentlemen. Oh, and lady.

Tourette: Buy-in’s ten thousand big ones.

Lucifer: Oh, right, high stakes. I like it.

Tourette: Pig farts! Crash and burn.

Lucifer: Oh, I see, you’re one of those. Right. (He sees God Johnson is standing against the wall on the other side of the room.)

Lady: 200.

Dale: I swear, I am gonna stab you in the eye if you do not stop dealing me crap! Call.

Pete: I’m out.

Lucifer: Um, ten thousand, all in.

Lady: Fold.

Lucifer: What do you know about God Johnson?

Pete: I like fire.

Lucifer: Right, never mind.

Mustache: Maybe I can help. I did see him perform a miracle.

Lucifer: Really?

Mustache: He scored me an extra Jell-O at snack time. Shh.

Lucifer: Useless. Royal flush.

Dale: Cheater!

Tourette: Red pubic hair!

Lucifer: Mm-hmm.

(Lucifer is hit in the face with men’s underwear.)

Dr. Garrity: Billy, what did I tell you about throwing your underwear?

Billy: They’re not mine.

Dr. Garrity: Really? ‘Cause you’re naked.

Lucifer: Yes, I’m more of a boxer briefs guy, but thank you.

Dr. Garrity: Sorry about that. You must be Lucifer. I’m Dr. Garrity.

Lucifer: Oh. Yes.

Dr. Garrity: Can we talk later? I have to get him to his electroshock treatment.

Lucifer: Really?

Dr. Garrity: Just kidding.

Lucifer: Yes.

Dr. Garrity: You, this way. Come.

Lucifer: Very good.

Dr. Garrity: (to Billy) Let’s go find you some pants.

(Lucifer looks back to the other side of the room to find that God Johnson has left.)

Lucifer: What the hell.

(Lucifer leaves the day room in search of God Johnson and finds him apparently k*lling someone.)

Lucifer: Aha! Of course, you’re the m*rder*r. Right, suppose I should thwart you now. Off to jail, cowboy.

(Lucifer rushes over and stops God Johnson.)

God Johnson: No, please, I have to save her.

Lucifer: What do you mean, save her?

(God Johnson rushes back, puts his hands on the woman’s neck, and blood moves back into her, and he heals the lady.)

Lucifer: It really is you… You son of a b*tch.

(Lucifer hauls off and punches God Johnson in the face.)

(Chloe visits Lucifer, who is sitting at an easel drawing.)

Chloe: Why the hell would you get yourself committed?

Lucifer: I did it to help the investigation. Hey. What do you think? It’s a good likeness, isn’t it?

Chloe: That’s it, I’m pulling the plug. I’m getting you out of here now.

Lucifer: No, no, no, no. You were the one who said it would be difficult to interview God Johnson. So, I took some initiative. I went undercover. You must admit having an inside man could be quite effective.

Chloe: So, you’re doing this just to help the case?

Lucifer: Well, there may also be some personal issues I’d like to explore with Mr. Johnson. But yes, the main reason I came was to prove he’s the k*ller.

Chloe: Is that why you punched him? To force a confession?

Lucifer: Not exactly, but he had it coming. You see, Detective, it turns out, he may actually be my father after all.

Chloe: You’ve decided that the lead suspect in this investigation may be your father?

Lucifer: I know that God Johnson is not the k*ller.

Chloe: And you know that because…

Lucifer: Because another patient was attacked last night and I saw God Johnson heal her. And here’s me being super-duper helpful… before the orderlies took the victim away, she told me who did attack her.

Chloe: Great. Who is it?

Lucifer: Santa Claus.

(Chloe and Dr. Garrity are talking in the courtyard.)

Chloe: He’s always been… Quirky, but now, he’s… I-I don’t know. I’m-I’m worried about him.

Dr. Garrity: Well, Lucifer certainly is an interesting case, but I can’t really discuss the, uh, specifics of his diagnosis. Now, is he your, um… Uh, fiancé? I mean, uh, boyfriend?

Chloe: No. Lucifer’s a co-worker.

Dr. Garrity: (relieved) Good, good. Well… I’m sorry. I mean, that’s good to know. That’s, um, information, which is helpful, ’cause it’s informative.

Chloe: Right. Yes, of course, yes.

Nurse Kipsy: Dr. Garrity? It’s time for music therapy.

Dr. Garrity: Thank you, Nurse Kipsy.

Chloe: I should get going anyhow.

Dr. Garrity: (Awkwardly giving Chloe his number.) Well, listen, um, if maybe, uh, if you want to talk some more, about Lucifer or, uh, anything else, uh, feel free, uh, to give me a call. My cell phone number’s there.

Chloe: Thank you.

Dr. Garrity: Okay.

(Chloe’s phone rings.)

Chloe: Hey, Maze. What’s up?

(God Johnson is looking out the window as Lucifer enters.)

Lucifer: I’ll give you one chance to apologize.

God Johnson: Apologize? You punched me. Tell you what I can do… I can forgive you.

Lucifer: Taking the high ground, are we? Magnificent. Well, I may have struck the latest blow, but that is only in response to the litany of offenses that you, dear old Dad, have bestowed upon me.

God Johnson: So you believe me? Good. Tell me, just what is it you think I’ve done?

Lucifer: Oh, we’re going there, are we? Right, let’s see. Um, casting me into Hell for eternity because you haven’t got the ba*ls to get your own cowardly hands dirty. Manipulating me with the Detective, giving me the illusion of control. You are a… Patronizing, sinister, helicopter parent!

God Johnson: So you think you have no free will.

Lucifer: Every bad thing that’s happened throughout eternity is your doing, not mine! It’s all part of “God’s Plan.” Even Mum’s coming here, and manipulation of me was part of it.

God Johnson: Your mother’s here?

Lucifer: Oh! Look who cares now.

God Johnson: Oh, my. Oh, well, that is something. I still remember the first moment we met… Mmm. There was nothing, just darkness and… Then she appeared… It did not take long for us to light up the universe.

Lucifer: Much as I’m enjoying this trip down memory lane, I want an apology… Nay. Nay, I demand penance. You must atone for what you’ve done.

God Johnson: Now, that’s not the Samael I remember.

Lucifer: No. No, Dad, this is who you made me when you cast me away! Now apologize!

(Lucifer’s eyes flash red. Linda opens the office door.)

Linda: Uh, Lucifer?

(Chloe is in the hospital’s courtyard on the phone with Maze. Maze is at Lux.)

Maze: Guy sounds like he wants to bang.

Chloe: He’s Lucifer’s doctor, Maze.

Maze: So what? Doctors don’t want to get laid?

Chloe: Does everything always have to be about sex with you?

Maze: Yeah.

Chloe: He was just trying to be helpful.

Maze: We should invite him on the booze cruise.

Chloe: What booze cruise?

Maze: Tonight. I had a friend set up a yacht. You know, it’ll be like a hip-hop video. You said you wanted to expand our circle of friends.

Chloe: That’s not what I meant at all.

Maze: Oh. You want to ride solo with Dr. McHotty. I can get behind that. Or on top, dealer’s choice. I’m kidding. Okay, I’ll set it all up. You won’t have to lift a finger. Let me help you.

Chloe: I don’t want, nor need, your help with setting up a date. I’m good.

Maze: Why not? You and I are flowing, Chlo. Same page.

Chloe: Nope. Different books altogether.

Maze: You crack me up, Decker.

(Ella is singing “One Of Us” as Chloe enters.)

Ella: Oh, my God, Chloe, this song is so good.

Chloe: Yeah, yeah. People seemed to really like it… In 1995.

Ella: Oh, my God, and the music video.

Chloe: Uh… Oh. (making a hand motion to turn off the music)

Ella: What’s going on?

Chloe: So, um, by chance, have you found any evidence pointing to, um… Santa Claus?

Ella: I was gonna ask you the exact same thing.

Chloe: Really?

Ella: Yes. Long white hair. Found it on the victim’s clothes. Wasn’t sure what it was, but yeah, totally screams Santa. I’ll have it tested ASAP.

Chloe: I could see if you’re mentally troubled, you see someone with long white hair commit a crime, you could call him Santa Claus. Right?

Chloe is looking for the patient’s pictures.

Chloe: Kind of like this guy.

Ella: Uh, yeah. Dude looks exactly like the creepy drunk Santa at the mall when I was a kid.

Chloe: Too bad setting up an interview would take forever… Without a doctor’s permission.

Ella: Ooh.

Chloe: A doctor’s permission…

(Chloe phones Maze.)

Maze: Yeah?

Chloe: Hey, Maze. You still want to help me?

(Lucifer pushes Linda in a wheelchair in the hospital’s hallway. Linda is obviously upset.)

Linda: Okay, so that was “God” God back there? As in capital “G”? I didn’t bow.

Lucifer: I should have bowed. You should have spit in His face.

Linda: Yeah, I’m not gonna do that.

Lucifer: Then you’re no use to me, Doctor. What on earth are you doing here anyway?

Linda: Chloe sent me to check on you because she was worried. But now, I’m worried. Please tell me you’re not still planning on having your mom and God destroy each other.

Lucifer: Don’t be silly. That plan won’t work anymore.

Linda: Oh. Oh, good. Maybe I should’ve curtsied.

Lucifer: Unfortunately, Dad seems to be soft on Mum. Like he still has feelings for her. Which gives me another way to punish them, far more torturous than death.

Linda: And we’re back to “not good.”

Lucifer: No, no, no, no, this is better. And you, my dear doctor, are going to help me.

(Lucifer has gathered all the patients to help him with his plan.)

Lucifer: Okay, you’ve all been chosen to help with a very special mission called “Operation Help Lucifer Escape from the Hospital.”

God Johnson: Mm, that’s a little on the nose, son.

Lucifer: You are literally the judgiest person in the universe. You know that, Dad?

Pete: Escape? But we get pudding here.

Lucifer: Oh, look, I know the puddings are good, but there must be more that you all desire. I mean, come on, Pete. I know desserts aren’t the only thing that tickle your fancy, are they? Hmm?

Pete: I do want to watch it all burn.

Lucifer: Right.

(Lucifer lights a lighter and hands it to an excited patient.)

Lucifer: Then fire away.

Pete: Oh…

Lucifer: Go, go, go, go, go. Right.

Lady: I want to turn the lights on… And off.

Lucifer: Good! Go! I love a good rave. Who’s next?

Billy: I want to throw underwear at heads.

Lucifer: Laundry room! Right? Go forth, people. Come on. Liberate yourselves. Play to your strengths.

God Johnson: So this is your big plan for busting us out of here. Encouraging a man to steal underwear?

Lucifer: No, no. That was just for fun.

(The fire alarm rings.)

Lucifer: That is how we’re gonna escape from here. Come on.

(Lucifer and God Johnson walk through the day room as the patients do whatever they want. Moments later, we find Lucifer and God Johnson are hiding near an exit door.)

God Johnson: All right. It was a pretty good plan.

Lucifer: Thank you. You’ve got a, um… Hmm? It’s just… Come here.

(Linda opens the door from the outside.)

Lucifer: Ah, right. Uh, Linda, Dad. Dad, Linda.

(Linda curtsies as if meeting royalty.)

God Johnson: A handshake’ll do, my beautiful child.

Linda: Okay.

Lucifer: Right, are we finished? Come on, let’s get a wriggle on. Let’s go.

(The three of them leave through the open door.)

(Chloe gets prepared for her date with the doctor.)

Maze: I’ve seen your mom dress sluttier than this.

Chloe: Okay, Maze, this is an interrogation disguised as a casual dinner. There’s no need to get dolled up. Please don’t tell me you made reservations at somewhere fancy.

Maze: Opposite of fancy. It’s here.

Chloe: Here. Why?

Maze: Well, duh, your bedroom’s here. Where else are we gonna have sex?

Chloe: For the last time, Maze, we’re not having a threesome.

Maze: I’m okay to watch.

(Someone knocks on the door.)

Maze: Showtime.

(Maze goes and opens the door to find Amenadiel.)

Chloe: Oh, an orgy? Definitely off the table.

(The Goddess slowly walks into LUX.)

Goddess: (speaking to the empty room) Lucifer? What is it you wanted to show me?

(The lights turn on and the song “True” by Spandau Ballet begins to play. The Goddess sees a man sitting with his back to her at a far table. She walks towards him. Lucifer and Dr. Linda are hiding and peeking over the bar to watch.)

God Johnson: Well, now. You are as radiant as the moment we first met.

(Linda and Lucifer are spying.)

Linda: Explain to me what’s going on, please.

Lucifer: I’m trying to recreate their first date.

Linda: You’re… What? Wait. You’re trying to Parent Trap God and the Divine Goddess?

Lucifer: What? It worked in the movie. Don’t you see? With Dad here on Earth, I don’t need the Flaming Sword or a trip to Heaven to exact my revenge.

Linda: Okay, but how is having them fall in love again revenge?

Lucifer: Oh, trust me, Doctor, after a brief re-honeymoon period, they’ll start torturing each other like they always do. Mum and Dad together are their own worst punishment. It’s genius.

Goddess: Do I know you?

God Johnson: Only since the beginning of time.

Goddess: What is this? Where’s Lucifer?

God Johnson: Aw, who knows. That son of ours is unpredictable, to say the least.

Goddess: Husband? Is this really you?

God Johnson: In the flesh.

(The Goddess knees God Johnson in the nuts. He collapses to the floor in pain.)

God Johnson: Oh! God…

Goddess: You put me in Hell, you b*stard.

(The non-date is in progress. Chloe, Maze, Dr. Garrity, and Amenadiel sit in the living room eating pizza.)

Dr. Garrity: Uh, it’s a great pizza. Uh, never tried pineapple and jalapeño before.

Chloe: Yes, I know. Uh, Maze has very eccentric tastes. I would, I would’ve made something if I had noticed. You know. Any notice.

Dr. Garrity: No, no. I-It’s great. You know, I like trying new things. Meeting new people.

Amenadiel: (pointing to Dr. Garrity’s pizza) Are you gonna eat that?

Dr. Garrity: N-No. No. So, um, Maze. Uh, where are you from?

Maze: Hell. By the way, I changed the sheets on Decker’s bed. She’s good to go.

Chloe: Okay. Excuse me. Maze, can I speak to you for a second?

Maze: Oh.

(Chloe gets up and walks into the kitchen; Maze follows, leaving the men in the living room.)

Amenadiel: (to Dr. Garrity) I like the shape of your head.

(Maze and Chloe are talking quietly in the kitchen.)

Chloe: What the hell are you doing? I’m not Lucifer. I don’t need what he needs. What I need is a friend.

Maze: You want your privacy. Gotcha, Decker… (to Amenadiel) Psst.

(Amenadiel joins Maze. Chloe comes back to the doctor.)

Chloe: Excuse my roommate. Sh…

Dr. Garrity: No, that’s, uh, it’s nothing compared to the, uh, intriguing folks I deal with at work.

Chloe: I can imagine. I-I actually would love to hear about them.

(Maze and Amenadiel are talking in the kitchen. Maze puts plates full of food in the dishwasher.)

Maze: Why are you here? I wasn’t planning on having sex with you again, but… Whatever, right? At least someone’s getting laid.

Amenadiel: I’m not here for sex, Maze.

Maze: Okay. Then, what?

Amenadiel: I just… There’s not much time before we’re gone.

Maze: What, are you going on a vacation?

Amenadiel: I’m not sure I’d call what Lucifer, Mom and I are doing going a vacation, but… Lucifer didn’t tell you.

Maze: Tell me what? I told you never to lie to me again, Amenadiel. Tell me what?

Amenadiel: We’re all going back to Heaven.

(Maze is shocked and hurt.)

(Back in living room, Chloe asks a question of Doctor Garrity.)

Chloe: So tell me, how, how do you have your job and stay sane?

Dr. Garrity: Oh, uh… Years of practice, um… Drugs. Mostly drugs.

Chloe: Mm.

Dr. Garrity: But, um, but, seriously, um, I just… I try and see beneath the DSM. Try to remember that each one of them is a person.

Chloe: Yeah. I, uh, I saw this older gentleman the other day. Uh, long white hair. White beard. He reminded me of my crazy Uncle Al.

Dr. Garrity: You must be talking about Dale.

Chloe: Yeah, what’s his deal? Is he one of the violent ones? Um…

Dr. Garrity: Uh… (he seems to now understand that this is not really a date.) Um, what kind of civil servant are you, exactly?

(Doctor Garrity receives a text.)

Dr. Garrity: Wow. Well, this evening just got even more interesting. Apparently, your co-worker, Lucifer, just escaped and took God Johnson with him.

(Charlotte asks Lucifer for an explanation.)

Goddess: What’s he doing here, Lucifer?

Lucifer: I don’t know. You married him.

Goddess: Well, it kind of ruins our plans to storm the Gates of Heaven and destroy him.

Lucifer: Well, I’m thinking we might not need to do that anymore.

Goddess: I will never forgive him, if that’s what you’re getting at.

Lucifer: The point is, Mum, that I think Dad… Sincerely misses you.

God Johnson: Well, of course I do. How could I not? Look at you. An absolute vision. Glowing, even now.

Goddess: Oh, you have no idea.

Lucifer: I’m just gonna… Doctor. (takes Dr. Linda’s hand and walks her to the other side of the room)

God Johnson: For the life of me, I can’t even remember why we were fighting.

Goddess: The flames? Eternal damnation? The… Kind of hard to forget.

God Johnson: I am so sorry that you suffered.

Goddess: Well, I su… Suppose I should apologize for trying to destroy your precious toy with floods and with plagues and whatnot. I guess humanity isn’t entirely awful. They did make vodka. Roller coasters. Triple crème Brie.

God Johnson: You hear about dancing?

Goddess: Yes, I actually did some of that on a table, once.

(Lucifer turns on romantic music.)

God Johnson: Would you do me this honor?

(They dance. From the other side of the room, Lucifer and Dr. Linda watch and talk.)

Linda: You sure it’s revenge you’re after?

Lucifer: Of course it is. What else would it be?

God Johnson: What’s the matter?

Goddess: This. I didn’t think this was possible. It wasn’t part of the plan.

God Johnson: So, maybe… Maybe we make a new plan. This time, we make it together.

(They kiss. Chloe enters.)

Chloe: Lucifer!

Lucifer: Detective!

Chloe: Seriously?

(Officers take God Johnson away. The Goddess is left confused.)

Chloe: (to Lucifer) Okay, outside now.

(Lucifer washes and dries his hands.)

Chloe: First you check yourself into a mental hospital, only to kidnap another patient and escape. Lucifer, how is that helping?

Lucifer: Well, i-if you must know, God Johnson is indeed my father, and, uh, I needed to do a little matchmaking.

Chloe: With him and Charlotte Richards? I mean, I’m scared to know how she ties into all this.

Lucifer: Well, never mind that. What about our k*ller? Hmm? Did you find proof of Santa Claus?

Nurse Kipsy: Time for your meds.

Lucifer: Ooh, lovely. Thank you. Right. (taking one of the pills) Unexpected perk of the place.

Chloe: Maybe it’s a good thing there’s another day on your 72-hour hold. You know? Maybe being here is the best thing for you right now.

Lucifer: (he keeps taking more pills. Chloe leaves his room.) Okay.

In Dr. Garrity’s Office

(Chloe knocks on Dr. Garrity’s office door; he is sitting behind his desk.)

Chloe: Hey. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry I lied. I, um… Sometimes with work, I get shortsighted. And I never wanted to…

Dr. Garrity: Use me?

Chloe: Yeah.

Dr. Garrity: If you had just been up-front with me, I would’ve told you that Dale, the guy you were asking about, he’s been here for 15 years. Yeah, he can seem a bit prickly, but he’s a teddy bear. He’s got no violent tendencies. There is just no way he’d k*ll someone.

Chloe: All right.

Dr. Garrity: Legally, I can’t let you look at Dale‘s medical file… But, um… What happens when I turn away is, um, out of my hands.

(He puts a file folder on is desk then turns to look at his computer screen.)

Chloe: Thank you.

Dr. Garrity: Yeah. Ooh, look, a Nigerian prince needs my help. Wow.

Chloe: Thanks… (She sees a photo of a holiday party with someone dressed up as Santa.) Santa Claus?

(Chloe and Dr. Garrity hurriedly walk towards the closet. )

Dr. Garrity: Okay, so what’s the big deal? Someone dresses up as Santa every year. Patients love it.

Chloe: Yeah, well, that someone could be the k*ller.

Dr. Garrity: But a different person does it every year. Even I did it a few years back. Okay, we store the, uh, costume in here.

(Garrity opens a cabinet. Chloe takes a box.)

Chloe: Wait, wait, wait… Where’s the beard? The red hat?

Dr. Garrity: It should be in there.

Chloe: Okay, two things. Who else has a key to that cabinet? And… (shows him her handcuffs) I need you to put these on.

(Lucifer is very stoned from the drugs. Santa Claus enters his room.)

Lucifer: Ooh, ooh. These drugs are a bit different, aren’t they? ‘Cause I can’t feel my tongue. Oh. Hello, pretty kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty… Santa, you’re here as well? Oh, I’m afraid I’ve been a naughty boy.

(Santa Claus knocks him out. )

(Santa pushes Lucifer in the hospital.)

Lucifer: You may want to see this; I am actually the Devil.

Santa: No, you’re not the Devil. You’re just a man who’s delusional in a mental hospital. You made it all up.

Lucifer: So… I’m not the Devil. I’m just a man who’s delusional. I made it all up… I made it all up! I made it all up.

God Johnson: Hello, son.

Lucifer: Dad! See? I am the Devil. Nice try, Santa.

Santa: (holding a knife towards him) Tell me what you told the police.

Lucifer: Only the truth. That you, Mr. Kringle, are a cold-blooded k*ller.

Santa: What else?

God Johnson: What do you want to know, Nurse Kipsy?

Nurse Kipsy: (Takes off the Santa Claus mask and hat) Why aren’t the drugs working on you?

Lucifer: Well, it’s obvious, isn’t it? It’s because he’s God! Uh, oh. Hey. Hey, they shouldn’t be working on me, either, but… Is the Detective still here? That might explain it.

Nurse Kipsy: Shut up.

Lucifer: Okay.

Nurse Kipsy: Doesn’t matter. Now you know it’s me; I have to k*ll you both.

Lucifer: Oof.

(Chloe is still with the doctor. She is improvising fingerprint tools.)

Dr. Garrity: What’s that for?

Chloe: A long shot…

(Chloe gets a hand print.)

Chloe: Okay.

(She takes a picture.)

Dr. Garrity: That’s got to be the coolest thing I’ve ever seen. I’d-I’d applaud, you know, if I weren’t cuffed.

Chloe: Sorry about that. It’s just a precaution. (She’s pressing keys on her phone.)

Dr. Garrity: Hey, I get it.

Chloe: Bingo.

Dr. Garrity: Wow. That was fast.

Chloe: Yeah, you don’t know Ella. The print belongs to one Patricia Hightower.

Dr. Garrity: We have a patient named Sue Hightower, the one God Johnson attacked.

Chloe: Okay. I’m waiting on a DMV photo. (photo comes through) She looks familiar.

Dr. Garrity: That’s Nurse Kipsy.

(Nurse Kipsy explains why she killed the orderly.)

Nurse Kipsy: I changed my name so no one would know she’s my mother… She was a raging b*tch my entire life… Controlling, manipulative… She tortured me… So I decided to t*rture her. Pumped her full of drugs, drove her crazy.

Lucifer: Preaching to the choir, sister. Evil parents deserve to be punished. You had every right to destroy her. But what about the orderly?

Nurse Kipsy: He found out what I was doing. He… Said he was gonna turn me in. I had no choice.

Lucifer: No, he was innocent and you k*lled him, so I am gonna have to punish you… Why aren’t I pulverizing you?

Nurse Kipsy: Uh, one because you’re a nutjob. And two, because I switched out your normal meds with a massive dose of Haldol. (turning now to God Johnson) You know… They don’t normally let patients wear belts. Suicide risk. So, thank you for getting a special dispensation for yours because now I got it. God is gonna k*ll Lucifer, then hang himself… Kind of poetic, don’t you think? Gonna go find a ladder.

Lucifer: Oh, a ladder.

God Johnson: Now, I had no idea you were so angry with me.

Lucifer: Really? ‘Cause I… I’ve been pretty up-front about it.

God Johnson: But to want to destroy me? That’s pretty serious. You mind telling me why?

Lucifer: Because… Because I’m your son. And… You rejected me.

God Johnson: Oh… Well, then I guess I can’t say as I blame you. The fact of the matter is, I don’t even remember why I was ever so angry with you to begin with… For what it’s worth… I am sorry. I truly am… And I am proud of you, Samael. I am proud of the man you’ve become… So, what do you say…Wait, no. Not… Not my belt. You can’t take my belt. It’s mine.

(Nurse Kipsy removes God Johnson’s belt)

(Chloe arrives with police and her g*n drawn.)

Chloe: Patricia Hightower, LAPD. Don’t move.

Lucifer: Detective.

Chloe: You okay?

Lucifer: Honestly… I’ve never felt better.

Earl Johnson: What’s this? What-What just happened?

Lucifer: What are you talking about? We just beat Santa.

Earl Johnson: Who are you?

Lucifer: It’s me, Dad. Lucifer.

Earl Johnson: Does someone want to tell me what the hell is going on? Get me out of these damn things.

(Lucifer gets up and goes to look at the belt buckle lying on the floor.)

Lucifer: “The piece is here.”

(Lucifer reunites the sword and the missing piece.)

Lucifer: Well, what do you know?

Amenadiel: It fits perfectly.

Lucifer: Yes, I think this is what Uriel was trying to tell me… Just before he died, he whispered in my ear, “The piece is here.” I mean, I thought it was nonsense, but… This must be why the sword wasn’t working. It wasn’t complete.

Amenadiel: Dad supposedly destroyed the Flaming Sword after the rebellion. So, are you saying he just broke it into two pieces? Azrael’s blade…

Lucifer: And this. Yes, which somehow ended up on Earth. Its power probably awakened when Azrael’s blade ended up here, too.

Amenadiel: Which is when Mr. Johnson must’ve stumbled upon it. But why did he think he was father?

Lucifer: Well, I mean, Azrael’s blade inspired death. Maybe this piece activated the opposite… Life. Healing. Gave him the power and knowledge of the divine.

Amenadiel: And when he found out that he could heal like that, he… He thought he was God.

Lucifer: What’s more important is that now the sword’s complete, we can get on with our plan.

(The piece falls down from the sword.)

Lucifer: (he picks the piece off the floor) So… The… Or not. Maybe there’s another piece missing.

Amenadiel: Or maybe a dragon has to breathe on it. Who knows?

Lucifer: Well, maybe Mum does. Did… Where is she, anyway?

(The Goddess knocks on Daniel’s door.)

Dan: I thought I made myself clear.

Goddess: I kissed a man today.

Dan: What’s your deal?

Goddess: I thought he was my ex-husband. When I kissed him, I realized it wasn’t him. And the strangest part is, I don’t know what’s more upsetting… That it wasn’t him? Or that I… I wished it was.

Dan: Wow.

Goddess: I just don’t want to be alone. Could we just hold each other? Please? (Dan softens and opens the door wider to let he come in. As she walks by him, she says:) With your pants off, of course.

(Lucifer and Earl Johnson are talking near a cab.)

Earl Johnson: I still can’t believe I gave all my money away.

Lucifer: Well, if it’s any consolation, you haven’t exactly been yourself of late.

Earl Johnson: Yeah.

Lucifer: Listen, I wanted to ask you… What’s the last thing you remember?

Earl Johnson: I was in New Mexico for work. I was walking through this Navajo gift shop. I saw a cool belt buckle, so I picked it up, and… Next thing I knew, I woke up strapped to a gurney next to you.

Lucifer: Lucky you.

Earl Johnson: Yeah. Hey, they, uh, they say we was arguing. If I did or said something to upset you, I apologize.

Lucifer: No, no, you were quite lovely actually. For a brief moment, I thought you were my father. A man for whom I harbor a great deal of resentment. And you said some things that I think I wish he’d always said to me, so for that I thank you.

Earl Johnson: Well, I guess even a blind squirrel catches a nut every now and then… You take care of yourself.

(Earl gets in the cab.)

Earl Johnson: Hey, does this mean you’re not angry at your dad anymore?

Lucifer: No, I’m not angry. I’m bloody furious. ‘Cause I realized that my father would never say those things to me. And for that… I hate him all the more. (The cab pulls away.)