S3 Ep06: Vegas with Some Radish

All: (singing flatly)

Chloe: Oh, thanks.

(Officers roll out a huge fake birthday cake. The top opens, and a male stripper dressed as a police man comes out and starts grinding against Chloe.)

Chloe: No. No. No.

Stripper: Yes!

(Lucifer enters enjoying the spectacle and walks up to Dan.)

Lucifer: Finally, an X-rated office party.

Dan: Leave it to you to steal my thunder, huh?

Lucifer: Well, much as I’d love to take credit for this, Daniel, Officer Snake Hips is not my doing.

Dan: Hmm, right.

(From the balcony, Ella throws dollar bills over the railing.)

Ella: Make it rain, birthday girl.

Chloe: Was this you?

Ella: Yep.

Dan: I did not see that coming.

Ella: Hey, what can I say? Big surprise, little package.

Lucifer: (pointing at stripper) Big package, by the looks of it.

Ella: (Takes Chloe’s hand and forces her to slap the stripper’s butt.) Slap it.

(Lucifer’s phone rings)

Ella: Slap it!

Chloe: Oh. I’m sorry.

Lucifer: (Goes into the forensic lab where it’s quieter to take the call.) Lucifer Morningstar.

Lucifer: Las Vegas Police Department? Candy? No, I-I’m gonna stop you there. She’s my ex-wife, actually. Can you believe it takes a year to annul something that only lasted a couple of weeks. No, I haven’t spoken to her for a few months. Why do you ask? What? She’s missing? Uh, yes, yes, of course. I-I’m in Los Angeles, but if you do hear anything, please contact me.

(Call ends. Ella comes into the lab.)

Ella: Aw, don’t worry, buddy, look, I got more singles for you.

Lucifer: Oh, no, no, no, I’m all right for cash, thank you. (Sighs)

Ella: You okay?

Lucifer: That was the Las Vegas Police Department. It appears my ex, Candy, is missing.

Ella: Oh, my gosh, I hope she’s okay, buddy.

(Ella hugs him. Lucifer gently pushes her away.)

Lucifer: Yes, as do I. Candy was caught up in some rather nasty business, but I thought I’d taken care of it.

Ella: Nasty business?

Lucifer: Yes. In exchange, she helped me with a delicate matter. I hate to think I haven’t fulfilled my end of the bargain.

Ella: All right, I’ll k*ll the music. We’ll all help find her.

Lucifer: Oh, no, no, no, no, um… I don’t want to spoil the detective’s celebrations. No, I’ll just beetle on over to Sin City and check on Candy myself.

Ella: Oh, yeah, you know, I kind of have a thing with Vegas. Otherwise, I would totally, totally offer to go with you.

Lucifer: Right. Good to know.

(Lucifer starts to leave.)

Ella: But then, I can tell that it’s really important to you, and I do have the next couple of days off, so… okay, you’ve convinced me. I will help you.

Lucifer: What? I…

(Chloe comes to the doorway.)

Chloe: Help him? Help him with what? Please don’t tell me you guys got another stripper.

Ella: No, he got a…

Lucifer: Uh, no, no, no, no, no. Nothing for the birthday girl to worry about. I want you to focus on one thing only, Detective. That is getting older.

Chloe: Excuse me? Wait, you’re leaving?

Lucifer: Yeah, I’ll call you later.

(He rushes off with Ella following him.)

Chloe: Wait.

Lucifer: Seriously, Detective, you just stay here.

Chloe: It’s my birthday.

Lucifer: Shake your booty while you still can. (Stripper starts grinding on Chloe again.) Oh, there you go.

(The elevator doors close on Lucifer and Ella. Ella throws some dollar bills at Chloe as the doors fully close.)

(Lucifer and Ella get out of his black 1962 Chevrolet Corvette.)

(Ella sniffing)

Ella: Mmm, you smell that? That is pleather, cigars, and vomit, my friend. (Chuckles)

Lucifer: I have to say, I didn’t have a good Catholic girl like yourself pegged as a fan of Sin City.

Ella: Mm, not a fan, exactly. More like a tiny, helpless space capsule being sucked into a deadly black hole.

(Lucifer’s phone rings)

Ella: Anyway, shall we?

Lucifer: Uh… (He looks at the texts.)

Ella: Chloe again? You know what they say, fifth time’s the charm. Lucifer, you should really tell her what’s going on.

Lucifer: It’s still her birthday.

Ella: And you’re still going with that. Okay.

(Indistinct radio chatter. They pass a couple of police officers.)

Lucifer: Officer. Either it’s someone else’s birthday…

Ella: Or this is an active crime scene.

(They enter the apartment through the open doors to find the body of a blond woman facedown on the floor, blood around her head.)

Lucifer: Oh, no. Candy?

Ella: Oh, Lucifer, I’m so sorry, buddy. (Sighs) Man, her face is gone.

Lucifer: Hello. Look at those dainty feet.

Ella: Okay, not judging here, but really? Is this really the time for the pervy stuff? Dainty feet?

Lucifer: Um, debatable, but that’s not what I was talking about. No, Candy has ginormous feet. I mean, regular boats, huge. That means that this is not Candy.

Ella: Oh, man, that’s awesome!

Lucifer: (Stammers) Shh. (Chuckles) Sorry, my-my friend here. Not a fan of the deceased, I’m afraid.

Ella: Mean, she was just so mean.

Lucifer: Ah, you… Shh. Women. (Chuckles)

Ella: We should go.

Lucifer: Mm-hmm.

Long: Excuse me, I’m Detective Long, and you are?

Lucifer: Um, Lucifer Morningstar. Pleasure. (Chuckles)

Long: You’re Candy’s husband.

Lucifer: Ex-husband.

Long: Right. I talked to you on the phone. You said you were in Los Angeles.

Lucifer: Oh, yes.

Long: And you don’t seem very broken up about your ex-wife’s death.

Lucifer: Well, that’s because this woman is not my wife.

Ella: Right, ’cause she’s your ex-wife. (Chuckles) Think you made that pretty clear, buddy. Hi, how you doing? (shakes Long’s hand) Ella López, LAPD CSI. For the record, we just got into town. Arrived at 1300 hours and 14 minutes, to be exact. And, based on a visual assessment of the victim’s lividity, she’s been deceased for, oh, I’d say 2100 hours yesterday. So, my travel buddy here, not a suspect.

Long: Uh… Uh-huh.

Ella: Also, I know, none of my beeswax, but… I saw that you were going with an ultraviolet light on the couch. I would have gone with a straight oblique, man, but you know what, to each his own.

Long: Okay, thanks for the advice.

Ella: You got it, Detective. (Speaking pig Latin to Lucifer) Ixnay on the ot-nay andy-cay.

Lucifer: Sorry, is that German? ‘Cause if it is, it’s absolutely awful. Trust me, I should know. Hitler was a talker. Well, screamer, actually.

Ella: No, I’m saying that for now, we shouldn’t let LVPD know that that’s not Candy. If this gets back to the k*ller, he might try to k*ll her again.

Lucifer: Oh, right, yes. Good idea, Ms. Lopez. Good idea.

Long: What’s a good idea?

Lucifer: Um…

Ella: Um… To give you my card.

Lucifer: Her card.

Ella: In case you want any more advice. Always happy to help.

Lucifer: She’s very good.

Ella: Very.

Long: Right. I have a feeling I will be talking to both of you again before the investigation’s over.

Lucifer: I doubt that. I mean, hanging out with a cop in Las Vegas is like bringing your grandma to an orgy. (Chuckles) Am I right? (He taps Long on the chest. Long does not react.) No.

Ella: (Pulling Lucifer out the door.) Okay, bye.

Lucifer: Bye. (Clears throat)

(Dr. Linda is at her desk working when Chloe enters)

Chloe: Hi. Is, uh… Hi, sorry to interrupt. Have you heard from Lucifer?

Dr. Linda: No, why? Has something happened?

Chloe: No, not really. I just, I, uh… I had a question about a case, and, um, I can’t… I can’t get a hold of him. Yeah, we were… we were, uh, celebrating my birthday at the precinct, and, um, and then, all of a sudden, he just bailed, and now he’s not answering my calls, so…

Dr. Linda: Would you like to have a seat?

Chloe: No, no, it’s not a big deal.

Dr. Linda: You sure?

Chloe: Mm-hmm. Yeah, I’m fine. I’m fine. It’s probably just Lucifer being Lucifer. You know? Probably. Yeah.

(They both are nodding their heads.)

Dr. Linda: (Motioning towards the couch.) Please, have a seat.

Chloe: (Sitting down on couch.) I don’t really, you know… I know you’re busy, and I don’t want to… take up… I-I checked Lux, and he wasn’t there. And-and I thought I’d go up to the penthouse to check, but last time he went AWOL, I went up there to check on him, and all of his furniture was covered in sheets, and he had run off to Vegas. (Laughs) Of course, that’s when we… we were getting together, which we totally are not anymore, nor will we. But, you know, it’s my birthday. Mm-hmm. Wow, good couch.

Dr. Linda: I know. And I understand. Birthdays can be emotional.

Chloe: I guess. No, I’m good, I’m good. He’s, um… he’s probably just in the penthouse passed out or something. Emphasis on “something.”

Dr. Linda: How about I go with you?

Chloe: (Takes a long pause then says…) Please.

Lucifer: Seems Candy dodged a b*llet, quite literally.

Ella: Or a shotgun blast, anyway.

Lucifer: Yes, so, we need to find this k*ller before he or she realizes their mistake.

Ella: Detective Nosy in there could get DNA back on that body within 24 hours.

Lucifer: Yeah.

(Lucifer tips the valet and gets the keys to his car, then he and Ella stand by his car talking.)

Ella: So, we got to find a lead, stat.

Lucifer: Right.

Ella: Okay, so you were married to Candy for a week…

Lucifer: Uh, two weeks.

Ella: Mm-hmm. I mean, any idea who would want her dead?

(Candy is singing “Fever” on stage. Lucifer is drunk at the bar listening to her.)

(Bartender refills Lucifer’s glass without being asked.)

Lucifer: Psychic bartender. My favorite.

Judd: Who is she? Not the one singing, the reason you’re drinking.

Lucifer: Not who I thought she was. Not her fault, though.

Judd: Never is.

Lucifer: Everyone’s reading my mind today. (Laughs) (Candy comes up and sings to Lucifer. She puts her hands all over him.) Mmm. Hmm!

Lucifer: Don’t mind if I do. (Sighs)

(Candy abruptly turns and walks away while still singing.)

Lucifer: Who was that?

Judd: That was Candy.

Lucifer: Aye. Think I’d quite like to continue my chat with Candy.

(Song ends, audience applauds. Lucifer goes to get his money and can’t find it in his pockets.)

Lucifer: Uh… Where’s my money? And my ring. (He smiles as if impressed.) Bravo, Candy. (He reaches in his back pocket, pulls out a wad of cash, and slaps it down on the bar.) Emergencies.

(Lucifer stumbles off in the direction that Candy went. He finds her in a side room with a man.)

Candy: Ow, you’re hurting me. Just-just give me some more time, please. I’ll have it for you.

Lucifer: His name’s Louie Pagliani. He’s a local loan shark and all-around dirtbag.

(They get in the car.)

Lucifer: I thought I dealt with that human stain last time I was here.

Ella: Yeah, well… this is Vegas. This town is always up for an encore.

(Engine starts, Lucifer chuckles, Tires screech)

(Sounds of rattling as Ella picks the lock.)

Ella: Ah, there you go.

Lucifer: They teach lock picking in forensic class?

Ella: No. Middle school.

Lucifer: (Chuckles) Ms. Lopez, you are an enigma, wrapped in a hoodie under a jaunty ponytail.

(Lucifer looks at the room they are about to enter.)

Lucifer: It… Oh, no. The annihilation. Ugh. Even if Louie didn’t k*ll fake Candy, this decor alone is enough for immediate execution. I mean… (Laughs) What was he thinking?

Ella: Well, uh, looks like someone beat you to the execution part.

(Lucifer rushes over to where Ella is standing to find a man slumped by a half-wall, apparently shot in the head.)

Ella: Louie?

Lucifer: Oh, definitely. I’d know those hairy ham hands anywhere.

Ella: The trajectory of the blood spatter in relation to the stiff makes zero sense. There’s no way Louie pulled the trigger.

Lucifer: (Sighs) Typical Vegas. Even the suicides are fake.

Ella: Yeah, and so is the hair color. Look at this. It’s pink.

Lucifer: Candy. Well, she was here.

Ella: You think Candy would’ve k*lled Louie, and then faked her own death to disappear?

Lucifer: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, Candy’s not a k*ller.

Ella: No, just a thieving con woman. You knew her one week.

Lucifer: Two weeks.

Ella: Well, you don’t know what she’s capable of.

Lucifer: Well… Candy did owe Louie money once upon a time, but I paid him off. Perhaps he wanted more.

Ella: (Looking at a painting on the wall.) Huh. This must be Mrs. Ham Hands.

Lucifer: (He sees that there is a shotg*n blast to the painting right where Louis’ crotch it.) Oh, dearie me. Someone’s sending a painful message. If Louie was after Candy’s candy…

Ella: Maybe his old lady found out, followed who she thought was Candy home from the club, shot her, and then framed/finished off Louie.

Lucifer: Then we need to find this murderous ginger before she finds the real Candy.

(Lucifer gets Louis’s phone and looks at the contacts.)

Lucifer: Ah, Roxie Pagliani. I suppose she’s the missus. Just block the caller I.D.

Ella: You can’t just call her. What are you gonna say?

Lucifer: Well, I’m gonna ask her if she’s the k*ller, of course.

Ella: No. Terrible plan! Give me that!

(Ella grabs the phone from him).

Lucifer: What are you doing?

Ella: (The call goes through. Roxie answers. )

Roxie: Hello?

(With a New Jersey accent) Hi, yeah. This is Marcia calling from Sensational Statues.

Roxie: Who?

Lucifer: “Sensational Statues”?

Ella: Yeah, yeah, we got that new, um… you know, that new…

(Lucifer points to a bust of Caesar near them.)

Ella: Oh, bust of Caesar you ordered. Uh-huh, it came out real sexy.

Lucifer: “Sexy”?

Ella: Yeah, 30% off if we can drop it wherever you are right now.

Roxie: I’m sorry, I didn’t buy any bust.

Ella: Pfft. You sure? Because I…

(Over the phone, Ella hears a slot machine voice:) Bada bing! Bada bing! Bada bing!

Ella: Oh, whoopsie, whoopsie, my mistake, doll, my mistake.

Lucifer: See? The truth would’ve been much more expedient.

Ella: Nope. I know exactly where Roxie is. I heard the sound of The Guido’s Rainbow slot machine in the background of the call. It’s a vintage machine. And only one casino in Vegas has it… The Moonbeam.

Lucifer: Well, ka-ching, Ms. Lopez.

(Elevator bell dings. Chloe and Dr. Linda enter the penthouse.)

Chloe: Well, no sheets on the furniture, that’s a good sign.

Dr. Linda: And… it looks like… (Opens a piece of luggage that’s standing in the middle of the room.) Yep, the overnight bag is missing, so maybe he did go out of town.

Chloe: On my birthday. You know what, speaking of, this is stupid. What are we doing here? We should be celebrating.

(Chloe heads back to the elevator with Dr. Linda following her.)

Dr. Linda: Yes! We should be celebrating.

Chloe: Yeah. (Sighs) So, where to?

(They are standing in the elevator looking into the penthouse and talking.)

Dr. Linda: Hmm. Actually, I do know this place with an awesome sound system and all the top-shelf you can drink.

Chloe: Best views in the city?-

Dr. Linda: Seems a shame to let that sunset go to waste.

(The elevator doors try to close and they both put out their hands to stop them from closing.)

(Chloe and Dr. Linda have gotten drunk and are dancing. Chloe is wearing a man’s white dress shirt as a dress.)

Dr. Linda: Hamlet! Ah. Hamlet.

Dr. Linda: (Picks up a very old book and reads the inscription.) “Thanks for the punch up. Love, Will.” Wow.

Chloe: (Yells from the other side of the room.) What you looking at?

(Chuckles nervously)

Dr. Linda: (Closing the book.) Nothing exciting.

Chloe: (with British accent) I’m Lucifer Morningstar. I can play the piano, and I’m a fancy British man.

Dr. Linda: (Laughs) Let’s go take a peek in his sock drawer.

Chloe: But, Dr. Martin, you’re his therapist. Aren’t there rules against that?

Dr. Linda: Trust me, there’s nothing I don’t know about Lucifer Morningstar.

Chloe: Except what’s in his sock drawer.

Dr. Linda: It’s not like he can see us.

Chloe: Let’s do it.

(Phone rings)

Dr. Linda: (Humming. Looking at her phone.) Oh, oh, oh!

Chloe: That’s Lucifer, that’s Lucifer.

Dr. Linda: Oh. Oh. Yeah, I can see that. Officially, officially creeped out!

Chloe: Okay, don’t answer it. No, no, no, wait. Answer it, answer it, uh, just don’t say we’re here.

Dr. Linda: Okay. (Music stops) Mmm. Hello?

Lucifer: Ah, Doctor, I didn’t think you were going to answer. I’m just calling to reschedule my therapy appointment. I’m on a quick trip out of town.

Dr. Linda: Oh! Oh. Out of town. Um, uh… where?

Lucifer: Oh, nowhere special, it’s just Vegas.

Dr. Linda: Vegas? Again? What you doing in Vegas?

Lucifer: (Just then Lucifer sees Ella coming down an escalator in a gold sequined minidress.) Well… don’t you look ravishing.

Dr. Linda: Lucifer?

Lucifer: Uh, sorry, I’ve got to go, Doctor. Speak soon.

Dr. Linda: Bye.

Chloe: What did he say at the end there?

Dr. Linda: Um, something about… radishes.

Lucifer: Well, you are stunning, aren’t you? I almost didn’t recognize you, no offense.

Ella: Eh, it’s hard to get your glitter on when you’re stuck in a lab all day. But, I mean, Vegas? Where else can I bust out the bling?

Lucifer: There’s no reason we can’t look fabulous and catch a homicidal redhead.

Ella: Exactly.

(Lucifer chuckles. Ella takes his arm, and they walk off.)

Chloe: He didn’t say “radish.” He said “ravishing,” didn’t he? He’s in Vegas with someone ravishing on my birthday. You know what? Why-why do I even care? Why do I care? This is stupid.

Dr. Linda: Okay, feelings, feelings are not stupid.

Chloe: Well, this one is, okay? This feeling is stupid.

Dr. Linda: Okay.

Chloe: Okay? Lucifer and I are friends, partners, that’s all. I’m totally past anything romantic. Full-on rearview. In. The. Past.

Dr. Linda: Okay. It is completely reasonable for something like a trip to Vegas to trigger old emotions. Emotions… that maybe you haven’t completely dealt with. There’s no expiration date on the process of healing.

Chloe: We should go.

Dr. Linda: You’re welcome.

Chloe: Where… where are my pants? I was wearing pant… Oh, this is fine…

(Chloe grabs her pants from a chair and, in doing so, knocks a painting off the wall, revealing a safe. gasps)

Dr. Linda: Are you okay?

(They both look at the safe.)

Chloe: Oh…

Dr. Linda: Oh…

Chloe: Screw the sock drawer.

Slot machine voice: Bada bing! Bada bing! Bada bing!

(Lucifer and Ella see Roxie.)

Ella: Oh, that is definitely her.

Lucifer: Mrs. Ham Hands.

Ella: It looks like she’s the casino’s pit boss.

Lucifer: Right, let’s go and chat up our k*ller.

Ella: (Pulling him back.) Uh, could be a problem. Pit bosses are notoriously hard to flush out. Only clients they pay attention to are the whales, the serious high rollers. So, how about blackjack?

Lucifer: More of a poker man, myself.

Ella: Poker? No, poker involves bluffing, also known as lying. Something you claim you don’t do.

Lucifer: Bluffing and lying, two totally different things.

Ella: So I guess what you’re doing with Chloe, and the whole not telling her you’re in Vegas thing, also not lying?

Lucifer: No, that’s selective omission. Get it straight, Lopez.

Ella: Potato, potahto, po-too-toe. You, my friend, are compartmentalizing.

Lucifer: Don’t even know what that means.

Ella: Anyways… Ooh. Okay, looks like Roxie’s working the blackjack floor. Mm. So let’s, uh, get you at the table.

Lucifer: What, me? What about you?

Ella: Best I just watch.

(Cheering)

(Lucifer is playing cards while Ella stands next to him excitedly watching.)

Lucifer: (Laughs) Again? Beginner’s luck. (Laughs) Right. Let’s see if this gets Roxie’s attention.

(Lucifer bets a large stack of chips.)

Ella: Oh. Booyah. That’s what I’m talking about.

Lucifer: (Speaking loudly to be sure he is overheard.) Well, it’s so much fun to bet lots and lots of money. And there’s plenty more where this came from. (Lucifer chuckles)

Ella: Ooh, nice. (whispering) You have an 11. Double down, baby, double down.

Lucifer: Right-o, doubling down, doubling down. (He sings:) “Mo’ money Mo’ money, mo’ money.” (Chuckles)

(Dealer lays down cards. Lucifer wins.)

(All cheering)

Lucifer: Very good, Ms. Lopez.

Ella: See?

Lucifer: You’re very good at this, aren’t you?

Ella: Teamwork is dream work.

Lucifer: Look at all the money, eh? (Chuckles) Do you know, actually, I fancy a drink, actu…

Lucifer: Ooh. (A woman hands him a drink.)

Waitress: Here you are.

Lucifer: Wonderful service. Thank you. What’s your name?

Waitress: Mmm. (She walks away without smiling.)

Lucifer: Oh, that’s perfect, thanks. What would you like, Ms. Lopez?

Ella: I-I would like for you to focus on the game; you just got two aces.

Lucifer: What? Oh, right. Well, maybe you would like…

Ella: (She bumps Lucifer aside and takes his seat.) Split!

Lucifer: (laughs) Sorry.

(The ceiling camera is watching.)

Lucifer: Ah, it’s working, Ms. Lopez. Whatever you’re doing, keep doing it.

Ella: (She’s not really listening to him.) Yeah, order me one, too.

Lucifer: Hmm?

Dealer: And 20.

(Cheering)

Lucifer: Oh, well done, Ms. Lopez! Well done, indeed.

Man: Excuse me, sir.

(Lucifer sighs)

Man: Come with us, please.

Lucifer: Oh. Excellent. (To Ella) It’s worked, it’s worked. (To man.) Right, off to the high rollers’ suite, are we?

Ella: Yeah, I don’t think that’s where they’re taking us.

(Ella and Lucifer are standing with their hands on a desktop being patted down.)

Lucifer: What sort of casino back room is this anyway? I mean, where’s the dangling lightbulb and the bloodstained floor? Where’s Joe Pesci?

(Camera snaps)

Ella: Hey, go easy. I’m going blind here.

Lucifer: It seems maiming us isn’t even in their agenda. Quite frankly, I’m disappointed, gentlemen. (Pat down get intimate.) Well, actually, I’m slightly less disappointed now. (Laughs)

(Roxie enters.)

Lucifer: Oh. It’s you. So maybe this wasn’t a total waste of time.

Ella: Mm, maybe we should stop talking. And by “we,” I mean “you.”

(Roxie puts images of Ella from today and from last time she was in the casino up on a monitor. Lucifer looks at Ella in confusion. Ella looks at Lucifer, knowing she’s been caught.)

Ella: So, I guess the disguise didn’t do it for you.

Roxie: Very few people can count cards like you, Ms. Lopez.

Lucifer: Count cards? Oh, I’m impressed.

Roxie: So am I. Your technique’s so infamous, we were able to spot you in, what was it? Half an hour?

Ella: 43 minutes. You guys are getting lax.

Lucifer: (Laughs)

Roxie: Question is, what do I do with you? If banning you from the casino didn’t work, maybe I should call your new friends at the LAPD.

Ella: Okay. Fine. Go right ahead. And, you know, while you’re at it, why don’t you tell them about your crimes?

Roxie: What?

Lucifer: Yes. J’accuse. First of all, of mixing Corinthian and Doric columns in your McMansion. I mean… and secondly, of k*lling your husband and who you thought was his mistress.

Roxie: Louie’s dead?

Ella: (Scoffs) Hello. Yes, Louie’s dead, savagely m*rder*d by you.

Lucifer: Hmm. Wow. Her poker face is amazing, take note.

Roxie: My husband was a crook. I knew it was only a matter of time before his ticket got punched. But I certainly didn’t k*ll him or anyone else.

Lucifer: Okay. Very well, Roxie. If you didn’t want Louie dead, then tell me: what do you want?

(Lucifer uses his power of desire on Roxie.)

Roxie: I, uh…

Lucifer: Yes?

Roxie: I want the pro golfer on table four. Bad. I’ve been trying to pick up his sweet a*s for two days straight. I worked a triple shift just to keep him in my sights, and I think I’m really close to getting a hole in one. You know what I mean?

Lucifer: Oh, dear. Well, as the detective would say in this situation, that means no motive.

Ella: Or opportunity.

(Chloe is trying random numbers to try to unlock Lucifer’s safe.)

Chloe: Damn it, 6-6-6 didn’t work, either.

Dr. Linda: Try 8-0-0-8.

Chloe: 8-0-0-8?

Dr. Linda: It spells “boob.”

(Keypad beeping)

Chloe: Ah. No. You know, normally, I wouldn’t be so concerned about trying to get into this thing if I didn’t think there were some real clues as to where Lucifer is, ’cause wherever he is, maybe he’s in danger.

Dr. Linda: Right.

Dr. Linda: Maybe “ravishing,” I mean “radish,” is code for “help.”

Chloe: Yes. Maybe, maybe that’s why he skipped town. ‘Cause someone’s after him. It would be irresponsible for us not to open this thing.

Dan: Or maybe you two just had too much to drink, you’re a little too curious to leave well enough alone, which is why you hauled my a*s out here.

Chloe: That mean you’re not gonna help us?

Dan: I didn’t say that.

(Drill whirs)

(Gasps)

(Lucifer and Ella are being escorted out by security personnel.)

Lucifer: Really have quite the grit, don’t you? Hmm? You have a good time on your own?

Ella: Okay. Ugh.

Lucifer: You are just full of surprises, aren’t you, my little Rain Man?

Ella: Well, what can I say? We all have coping mechanisms, mine just happens to be counting cards… Or, was, anyway.

Lucifer: Coping mechanisms, for what? Poverty?

Ella: No. It helped quiet the voices.

Lucifer: What voices?

Ella: Never mind, forget I… said that. The point is that… everyone has stuff that they want to avoid. You know, like, like the way you are avoiding Chloe.

Lucifer: Ugh, how many times do I have to tell you? I am not avoiding or lying to the detective. I’m… protecting her.

Ella: Ah, you’re protecting her, or you’re protecting yourself?

Lucifer: Look, why are we even discussing this? Right now, Candy’s the one who needs protecting, and we’ve just hit a dead end.

Ella: Right. Okay, but hold on. I mean, if we are gonna find a new lead, how about we start with how you two ended up married.

Lucifer: (Scoffs, sighs)

(Candy comes home and puts her things down on a table. She hears a voice from behind her.)

Lucifer: Hello, Candy.

Candy: (Gasps)

Lucifer: My thieving vixen.

Candy: I don’t know what you’re talking about. How’d you get in here?

Lucifer: Impressive grift you’ve got going. But, uh, I’m afraid that you can’t keep this little beauty.

(Lucifer carefully reaches into the front of her blouse and pulls out his black onyx ring.)

Candy: No, please, please, please, I’m sorry, I’m sor…

Lucifer: Sentimental value. But, uh, you’re welcome to keep the cash. Goodness knows where you’ve hidden that.

(Candy bursts out in tears.)

Candy: I’m so sorry, please don’t call the cops. It’s just… my dad died recently and… he used to own the club I was singing at. You know, Fletcher’s?

Lucifer: Mm.

Candy: But he owed this ginormous amount of cash to this super scary loan shark, Louie Pagliani, and he used the club as collateral, and if I don’t come up with 300 grand, like now, Louie’s gonna take it. And who knows what else. (Crying) I didn’t know what else to do!

Lucifer: (slow clapping) Bravo, you really are quite the performer, aren’t you?

Candy: (Crying) You, you don’t believe me?

Lucifer: What, the weepy waterworks? Not a chance. But your story seems legit, though.

Candy: (Hyperventilating. Then exhales when she knows she’s been caught.) It is. And so is my apology.

(Laughs)

Candy: I actually felt bad. From the looks of you at the bar, you got your own problems to deal with.

Lucifer: Yeah. Nothing I can’t handle on my own.

Candy: You sure about that?

(Lucifer is lying on her sofa wrapped in the fuzzy pink blanket and finishing telling Candy about Chloe. Candy lounges in a chair next to the sofa, wrapped in a blanket and eating ice cream.)

Lucifer: And so, you see, I… I had to leave.

Candy: Hmm, I get it. The part about your dad putting the detective in your path is kind of fuzzy, but it seems like you genuinely care about her.

Lucifer: Yes. I do. A lot.

Candy: Then, isn’t you going AWOL gonna kind of throw a big… flag on that play?

Lucifer: No, I said that I care about her.

Candy: Oh, unrequited love. Yeah, I get that, too.

Lucifer: No, no, no, it’s not unrequited. It’s… well, the detective has feelings for me, but she has no control over those feelings.

Candy: Okay, I don’t get that.

Lucifer: Well, look, it’s difficult to explain. But I just… (Sighs) I just want to do right by her.

Candy: I believe you. Here. Swap.

(Candy gives Lucifer her ice cream and she takes his wine bottle.)

Candy: Do you ever ask yourself, “How the hell did I end up here?”

Lucifer: What, eating mint chocolate chip ice cream, wrapped in a pink Snuggie?

Candy: (Laughs softly) Pink’s a good color for you, actually.

Lucifer: Ah! You are a good liar, aren’t you?

Candy: I don’t lie.

Lucifer: Forgive me, but you are a con woman.

Candy: I am not a con woman. I am a singer, forced to do some things that I’m not proud of, but only so I can dig my dad’s club out of debt. I grew up on that stage. It’s my home.

Lucifer: Drastic measures for the things we care about. That, I get.

Candy: (Chuckles) I might pretend to be someone a little less threatening sometimes, but I don’t lie. I call it bluffing. Totally different things.

Lucifer: Oh, well, that I definitely get. (Laughs) We’re quite similar, you and I, aren’t we?

Candy: Yeah, we are.

Lucifer: Mm. Except for the fact that you have ginormous feet.

Candy: Oh! (Laughs)

Lucifer: (Chuckles) (Then pauses and gets serious.) You know… there might be a way for you and I to dig each other out, Candy. (Puts the ice cream down on a side table.) I’ll pay off your debt if you don’t mind doing a little “bluffing” for me.

(Lucifer stands up, faces her, adjusts the pink Snuggy around her shoulders, gets down on one knee as she is taking a swig from the wine bottle.)

Lucifer: Marry me.

(She does a spit-take and sprays wine all over him.)

Lucifer: Uh… (Chuckles)

Candy: (Laughs)

Lucifer: And so, we got married. The end.

Ella: Okay, so, you fake-married Candy to avoid Chloe, even though you cared about her.

Lucifer: Hmm.

Ella: Who’s the enigma now?

Lucifer: (scoffs and fake chuckles)

Lucifer: Don’t even…

(Just then, the waitress who served Lucifer drinks earlier at the blackjack table taps him on the shoulder.)

Waitress: Excuse me.

Lucifer: Sorry, did I forget to tip? How rude of me.

Candy: (Wearing a long straight black wig. She quietly but insistently says his name.) Lucifer.

Lucifer: Candy!

Candy: What are you doing here? You’re gonna ruin everything.

Lucifer: I… Uh…

Lucifer: As much as I love the Bettie Page vibe, you’ve got a bull’s-eye on your back; this is hardly a good hiding place.

Candy: But it is where my k*ller works.

Lucifer: What…? You’re onto Roxie as well?

Candy: Until you and your sidekick derailed things.

Lucifer: Not my sidekick, and I hate to disappoint, but Roxie Pagliani did not k*ll your look-alike.

Candy: Ali. Her name was Ali. She broke up with her boyfriend, so I said she could stay with me. I was just trying to be a good friend.

Ella: Oh, man. I’m so sorry.

(Ella steps up and puts her arms around Candy. Candy puts her head on Ella’s shoulder and hugs her back.)

Lucifer: Anyway. (Pulls them apart.) Anyway, Roxie Pagliani did not k*ll Ali or her husband in a jealous fit of rage. I mean, the woman’s about as passionate as a protein bar.

Candy: This has nothing to do with passion. The k*ller wants my father’s club.

Lucifer: Fletcher’s? How do you know that?

Candy: After I found Ali dead, I noticed there was only one thing missing from my apartment. The pocket deed for Fletcher’s.

Ella: Whoever possesses the deed owns the club.

Candy: It was used as collateral when my dad borrowed money from Louie. But when I went to confront him, he was already dead.

Ella: Oh, that’s why her hair was at the crime scene.

Candy: So I thought, well, maybe Louie told Roxie about the deed, and she’s the one who got greedy.

Lucifer: Sadly, no. Roxie was working at the time of the m*rder.

Candy: But who else could’ve known about that deed?

Lucifer: Well, not to worry. There’s a much faster way to flush out the k*ller. Candy’s still my wife. Legally, anyway.

Ella: Which would trump any sort of deed.

Lucifer: Exactly, which means Fletcher’s now goes to the grieving widower, me.

Ella: Yeah, but that makes you the k*ller’s next target.

Lucifer: (Laughing) Oh, I certainly hope so. Right. Come on. Showtime.

Ella: Showtime?

(Applause. Lucifer is on stage playing piano and singing.)

(Lucifer grabs the microphone and walks out front of the piano talking to the audience.)

Lucifer: But not tonight. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Lucifer Morningstar, new owner here at Fletcher’s. That’s right, owner. Please, a warm welcome for The Morningstars.

(We now see that Ella is one of the show girls and is doing her best to keep up.)

Ella: (Speaking to Candy via an earpiece while she is dancing.) Are you buying any of this?

Candy: Well… Lucifer’s certainly made his presence known.

Ella: So, any sign of the k*ller? Any weird or suspicious activity?

Candy: Other than your high kick, no, sorry.

Ella: You try dancing with a 22 strapped to your thigh.

Ella: Creepy hunched fellow, two o’clock.

Candy: Got it.

Ella: (Grunts) Blue tracksuit, big guy, big guy. Yeah, yeah, that’s the guy.

Candy: (She approaches the guy in question who is busy eating.) All clear. The only thing he cares about are the complimentary crab legs.

(Lucifer ends the song.)

Lucifer: Thank you. Oh, thank you all so much. I’m here all night. No, seriously, all night. (Whispers to Ella.) And now we wait for the real show to begin.

Ella: Mm-hmm.

(Dan is drilling the safe.)

Dan: Whoops.

(Dan mistakenly drills out a chunk of the stone next to the wall safe.)

Chloe: Whoops? As in it worked?

Dan: Well, uh…

(Chloe and Dr. Linda now see what happened.)

Dr. Linda: Oh. Oh, don’t worry. Oh. I’ve had a lot of experience with giant holes… in walls. Hmm. A little Spackle and you’re good to go.

Dan: Well, it’s a good thing I come packing.

Chloe: Came packing Spackle?

Dan: (Laughs) Of course. (Drill whirs) I’ll be right back. Excuse me.

Chloe: This… (Sighs) Look at this. This is nuts.

Dr. Linda: Yeah, but super fun.

Chloe: This is… (Suddenly dejected, she sits on the edge of the bed.) It’s pointless cracking into this safe because no matter what we find, it’s not gonna change the fact that A… there are things about Lucifer that I will never understand. And B… Spackle’s not gonna help the Assyrian antique wall.

Dr. Linda: I think you and I both know that this isn’t about Spackle.

Chloe: (Sighs) He left on my birthday. And I wasn’t expecting a big party or anything huge, maybe a card.

Dr. Linda: You know, Lucifer is a nontraditional guy. And he celebrates in… nontraditional ways.

Chloe: Right, like going to Vegas with some radish. Lucifer cares for you. I’m sure he’s gonna come back with some crazy explanation that… That I’ll probably never hear about, and that’s fine. It’s fine. I just hate that I sound jealous ’cause I’m not. I’m not jealous. I’m not, I just, um… He’s just my friend, you know?

Dr. Linda: I know.

Dan: What did I tell you? I am the man. (Hold up a can of Spackle.)

(Linda gasps)

Chloe: (She holds up her glass to toast.) Cheers. To the weirdest birthday I’ve ever had. And thank you for the party, such as it is.

(The crowd has gone. The room is empty. Lucifer is at the bar pouring himself a drink. The bartender walks up behind him. Lucifer sees his reflection in the mirrors behind the bar.)

Lucifer: (Sighs) Oh, dearie me. Rough night, old boy?

Judd: I’m sorry, but-but this place… (Draws a g*n and points it at Lucifer.) is mine.

Lucifer: Well, well, well, it seems our bad guy is the good bartender. You can forget the tip, by the way. First of all, excellent bluff, Mr. k*ller Bartender, but I do need to tell you…

(The bartender fires. Lucifer grunts, momentarily stops, but keeps walking forward.)

Lucifer: I do need to tell you…

(Another shot. Lucifer exclaims. Two more shots. Bartender still aims the g*n at Lucifer but is shocked and bewildered that Lucifer is not dead.)

Lucifer: (Yelling angrily.) What I was trying to tell you before you so rudely interrupted me is that because I know you’re the k*ller and you can’t k*ll me, you may as well just hand yourself in now.

Judd: But I just shot you.

Lucifer: Yes, I know. It’s perplexing, isn’t it, Juddy?

Candy: Judd?

(From behind the on-stage curtains, we now see there are a number of full-size mirrors in front of the curtains; each one has a reflection of Candy in it.)

Candy: How could you?

Judd: (He doesn’t understand how Candy could be alive.) Candy? No, you-you can’t be here. I… I k*lled you! What the hell is happening to me?

Lucifer: Who are you talking to?

Judd: You can’t see her?

Lucifer: Hmm?

Judd: But… Oh, God. What the hell?

Lucifer: Well, interesting turn of phrase, actually, Juddy, because I am the Devil and I believe that you’re being haunted. Perhaps if you repent your sins, all will be forgiven. The truth will set you free and all that.

Candy: You were like a son to my father, a brother to me.

Judd: I was gambling again. I was drowning in debt.

Candy: Why didn’t you just tell me you needed money?

Judd: Because you don’t have any! This place is worth crap. It’s the land that’s worth millions. I tried to get your dad to sell, and I knew you wouldn’t, either.

Candy: So, you shot me in the back of the head.

Judd: Yes. (Crying) Yes, I did. Now go away!

(Judd fires and one of the mirrors shatters.)

Lucifer: Oh! There we go, Juddy.

(Another bullet fires. Another mirror shatters.)

Judd: Leave me alone!

Lucifer: Fire away! That’s it.

(Another bullet fires. Another mirror shatters.)

Lucifer: You’re like a kid in a candy store, aren’t you? That’s it, Juddy, go on!

(More g*n shots. More mirrors shatter.)

(A g*n shot comes from another direction.)

Judd: (Shouts) My leg!

(We now see Ella standing, still in her showgirl dress, pointing the g*n she just fired at Judd.)

Lucifer: Excellent shot, Ms. Lopez. Another hidden talent.

Ella: Thanks.

(The police and ambulance have arrived. Ella talks with Detective Long.)

Ella: And don’t worry, I’ll give you props for the arrest. I’m cool like that.

Long: Gee, thanks.

(Siren wailing)

(Lucifer walks up to where Candy is standing.)

Candy: Hi. I just wanted to say thank you for saving my a*s… again.

Lucifer: It’s what any good husband would’ve done.

Candy: (Chuckles softly) Come on. Drinks on the house.

Lucifer: Uh, much as I’d love to, once Lola over there finishes flirting…

(We briefly see Ella do a high kick for Long and does a Karate shout)

Lucifer: We need to get back to L.A.

Candy: Speaking of L.A., whatever happened with the detective? Mess it up yet?

Lucifer: Not yet, but I-I fear I may be about to.

Candy: Then what the hell are you still doing here? Go home, you Devil.

Lucifer: (Chuckles) Right. (Kisses her on the cheek. They hug.)

Lucifer: You take care.

Candy: Yeah.

Lucifer: (Whistles) Lopez! Get a wriggle on!

(Lucifer enters from the elevator, rolling a suitcase. He briefly stops when he sees all the open bottles of alcohol and the room in disarray. He sighs and walks further into the room to find Dr. Linda and Dan passed out on the sofa. He chuckles.)

Lucifer: (Talking to himself.) Well, I’m sorry I missed it. (Sighs) Could use a drink myself.

(As he heads for the bar, he sees through the doorway that Chloe is asleep in his bed.)

Lucifer: I’m not exactly sure what you’re all doing here, but I… imagine it’s something to do with the fact that I wasn’t.

(He sits on the edge of the bed and continues to talk out loud, not thinking that Chloe can hear him.)

Lucifer: And the truth is… I… went to Las Vegas. (Chuckles) And even though it was for a very good reason, I didn’t tell you because… last time I went on a Vegas jaunt, there were some very unpleasant feelings involved for both of us.

(We can see Chloe opening her eyes, but her back is turned to Lucifer, who continues to speak.)

Lucifer: And, well, I didn’t want to dredge any of those up again. So, I… bluffed. (Chuckles) But I’ve come to realize that perhaps bluffing is the same as lying and that’s, as you know, something I never want to do. Especially to you.

(He gently puts his hand on her shoulder. He then looks over and sees the damage to the wall next to the safe.)

Lucifer: Hello. Someone’s been busy.

(Lucifer stands and goes to the safe. Keypad beeping)

Chloe: (Yawns loudly and pretends to just be waking up.)

Lucifer: Oh, perfect timing. You’ve woken up just in time for your surprise.

(He takes a small gift box out of the safe and brings it to her.)

Chloe: A surprise? What surprise?

Lucifer: Well, forgive my t*rd, but I thought it prudent to deliver your gift in private.

Chloe: Thank you.

(Both chuckle softly. She opens the box and pulls out a necklace with an odd pendant.)

Chloe: Oh. Just beautiful.

Lucifer: Oh, it’s… (Chuckles)

Chloe: What is it?

Lucifer: (Laughs) What? It’s the b*llet from when you shot me. Remember in the warehouse, early in our partnership?

Chloe: Oh. Yeah. (Whispers) I remember.

Lucifer: Well, I thought since I’ll never likely penetrate you, I’d commemorate the one time you penetrated me.

(Both laughing)

Lucifer: So, uh, happy birthday, Detective.

(Chloe reaches out her arms, asking for a hug.)

(Softly) Oh.

(Lucifer leans forward and then gently embraces.)