S3 Ep12: All About Her

Pierce/Cain: (sighs) Thanks for the drink.

Lucifer: Figured it’s the least I could do. After all, I am the reason you’re leaking all over my floor.

Pierce: (Scoffs)

Lucifer: Well, gosh, we have so much to catch up on, don’t we, Cain? Or would you prefer Mr. Cain? Make it sound official?

Pierce: Let’s just stick with Pierce.

Lucifer: Very well. Why all the games, Pierce?

Pierce: No games.

Lucifer: Oh, really? Now you’ll claim your arrival on my doorstep’s simply coincidence?

Pierce: No. I’m the one that had you knocked out and left in the desert.

Lucifer: I see.

Pierce: That’s all I did.

Lucifer: So you’re gonna blame everything else on your eyeless stooge?

Pierce: He wasn’t a stooge. He was my right-hand man.

Lucifer: Until you shot him dead. Excellent way to repay his loyalty, by the way.

Pierce: He went rogue. I have no idea why he did what he did.

Lucifer: That’s why I had to take him out. You know, for an immortal, you really do bleed a lot, don’t you?

Pierce: Yeah. I’m still human. I still feel all the pain that comes with death. It’s just the wounds heal.

Lucifer: Oh, sounds like a b*tch.

Pierce: Yeah, well, I don’t have to tell you what sort of sick sense of humor your father has.

Lucifer: Which is why I’m surprised that you’re working with Him. Well, there’s no sense in denying it now. I know you gave me back my wretched wings. I know you took my devil face. So tell me, what did He offer you in return?

Pierce: I would never work for your father. And I had nothing to do with your wings or your devil face.

Lucifer: I don’t believe you.

Pierce: I don’t care. (Groans) Now, after getting stabbed and k*lling the closest thing I had to a friend, I’ve had a long day.

Lucifer: Where do you think you’re going?

(Lucifer grabs Pierce as he tries to leave. Pierce groans.)

Lucifer: You can’t just walk out on me.

Pierce: Or what? You’ll k*ll me? (Groans)

Lucifer: I’ll tell everyone who you really are!

Pierce: Go ahead. They don’t even believe you’re the Devil.

Lucifer: (Scoffs) (Picks up the knife from the bar. Yells and throws the knife.)

(A knife embeds itself into the door of Trixie’s room )

Chloe: Maze, what the hell was that?

Maze: Testing a new blade. Making sure it’s k*ll ready. It is.

Chloe: Maze, you can’t just throw knives at Trixie’s door. It’s dangerous, and now we have to pay to have this fixed.

Maze: Relax. I got it covered. Trixie’s already working on another one of her alien drawings. (Knife scraping)

Chloe: Is that why you’ve been putting up all of Trixie’s artwork? To cover up the damage?

Maze: What? Kid’s got to make cash somehow.

Chloe: Seriously, Maze? You live in a house with people. Is it too much to ask for just a little consideration?

Maze: (Gasps) This is that human thing where you’re mad about something else but you’re taking it out on me, right?

Chloe: (Sighs) I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’m just, I’m-I’m upset about what happened with Lucifer. Ah. After everything he did… Betraying me, kidnapping a prisoner right under my nose… He hasn’t even apologized yet.

Maze: (Laughs) And?

Chloe: And what? It’s not funny. I trusted him enough to break the rules with him. He didn’t care what happened to me.

Maze: All right. Look, you’re upset. I get it. But you have to understand, Chloe, you’re never gonna change Lucifer. He is who he is.

Chloe: Yeah.

(Camera clicking)

Man: I-It was so dark, we couldn’t see anything. I thought it was just stupid kids goofing around again.

Man 2: These transients keep coming through here to get to our beach. We can’t stop them.

Justine: We put up signs, but they just ignored them. And now they’re committing m*rder. I mean, what kind of monster would do this?

Dan: That’s what we’re gonna figure out. Excuse me, please.

(Dan jogs over to Chloe who has just arrived.)

Chloe: Hey, morning. What do we got?

Dan: Uh, a male vic, 24 years old, known as Manny “The Moondog” Taylor.

Chloe: Moondog?

Dan: Yeah, he’s a pro surfer. Tops of the circuit three out of the last five years. And, man, if you only saw what this kid could do. (Exhales)

Chloe: Wait a minute. Are you surfing again?

Dan: Uh, I’m trying to get in the water before work as much as possible, but you know how it is.

Chloe: Yeah, only so many hours.

Dan: Yeah, that, and I’d never be as good as this kid was.

Chloe: So, blunt force trauma to the head is cause of death, Ella?

Ella: Nope.

(Ella is being unusually non-talkative.)

Chloe: No? Okay. Then what is?

Ella: Choking.

Dan: Like on a chicken bone? Or did someone else do it with their hands, or…?

Ella: Surf leash.

Chloe: From his own board?

Ella: Not his own board. No DNA.

Chloe: Ella. Are you okay?

Ella: Uh-huh.

(Ella walks by Dan as she leaves.)

Dan: (to Ella) Hey. (Ella doesn’t respond.)

Chloe: All right. Well, I guess we’re looking for another surfer, then.

Dan: Yeah, I’ll start digging into Manny’s personals.

Chloe: Wait. Hey. Let’s keep this quiet, keep the press from pouncing.

Dan: Yeah.

(Lucifer arrives.)

Lucifer: It’s okay, Detective! I assume you got held up with that needy offspring of yours and simply forgot to call, but no matter. I’m here.

Chloe: Actually, I chose not to call you.

Lucifer: Okay. Well, whilst I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for that, there’s something very important I need to discuss with you first.

Chloe: Oh. Okay. Um…

Lucifer: I need your help investigating someone.

Chloe: What?

Lucifer: Someone very clever and cunning, but they’re lying to me, and it’s imperative I get to the truth.

Chloe: (disbelieving and incensed) You came here to get my help?

Lucifer: Very much so, yes.

Chloe: My help?

Lucifer: Are you having a senior moment?

Chloe: No. No, I’m not having a senior moment. I’m finally accepting you for what you really are, which is an egomaniacal narcissist! But… the only thing I can do… is control how I respond.

Lucifer: By helping me?

Chloe: (Takes Lucifer by the arm and moves away from the beach and behind the yellow tape.) By working without you today. Time to go home and be with the person you love most. Yourself.

(Lucifer laughs)

Lucifer: Detective!

(Lucifer is pacing.)

Dr. Linda: So Cain from the Bible is alive.

Lucifer: Yes.

Dr. Linda: Is he dangerous?

Lucifer: Oh, probably. I mean, we are talking about the world’s first m*rder*r. His own brother, no less.

Dr. Linda: Mm.

Lucifer: And if anyone can find out what he’s up to, it’s the detective. I just… I don’t understand why she won’t help me.

Dr. Linda: May I remind you that you did break her trust and kidnap a man while working on a case together.

Lucifer: Well, technically, we kidnapped each other.

Dr. Linda: The point is… perhaps it would help if you saw Chloe’s perspective for a change.

Lucifer: (scoffs)

Dr. Linda: I mean, friendship is a two-way street.

Lucifer: Yes, but right now, mine is clearly the more important lane.

Dr. Linda: Okay, let’s try a different tack. Maybe, if you thought about how your actions affected her, she might be more receptive to how you feel.

Lucifer: So what you’re saying is I need to make it all about her for a change?

Dr. Linda: Exactly.

Lucifer: And then she can make it all about me. Oh, that is brilliant, Doctor. Yes. Very good.

Dr. Linda: Should’ve seen that one coming.

(Chloe, Ella, and Charlotte are watching a video of an argument between surfers.)

Doug: What the hell was that, Manny?!

Manny: Hey, don’t blame me ’cause you cherry bombed your wave, dude.

Doug: I’m done with you. You’re dead, you hear me?! You’re totally dead! Walk away.

Chloe: This is “Dangerous Doug” Libby, a nationally-ranked surfer with a known history with Manny. This fight took place a week ago at Bells Beach.

Charlotte: Mm. It speaks to motive, but there’s no connection to the crime. You can’t get a search warrant for something as flimsy as that. At least, I wouldn’t give it to you.

Chloe: Oh. You know, Doug is supposed to compete at the Huntington Swell Classic later. If I can get him to voluntarily turn over his surf leash, can you match that to the wound on Manny’s throat?

Ella: Sure.

Chloe: Okay. I’ll update the lieutenant.

(Chloe leaves. Charlotte talks to Ella.)

Charlotte: You are not being your excessively cheery self today. What gives? (long pause) Fine, don’t tell me.

Ella: Pierce yelled at me yesterday. He said that I talk too much. So I’m trying to talk less.

Charlotte: If I fell apart every time a man told me the he didn’t like what I was doing, I’d be in a million pieces right now. But instead, I pushed through, rose through the ranks, built my own firm, and here I am. In this entry-level D.A. job.

Ella: But he’s like a hero of mine.

Charlotte: You need to get a thicker skin. Stand up for yourself, because the truth is, nobody’s gonna do it for you.

(Briefcase snaps closed. Charlotte leaves.)

Chloe: Hey, Lieutenant.

Pierce: Hey.

(Chloe sees Pierce is packing boxes.)

Chloe: You going somewhere?

Pierce: I put in for a transfer. Only a few days left here.

Chloe: Wow. That was fast.

Pierce: What can I say? I got pull.

Chloe: Uh, no, no. That’s not what I mean. I-I just mean, why? This, uh, about what happened with the Sinnerman?

Pierce: It’s about a lot of things. I thought coming here would fix some of them, but nothing changes, not for me.

Chloe: Well, maybe you should take some time to think about it. You know? Just, um… Look, I know how hard it is, and confusing it is to deal with a sh**ting, and, um, if you ever need anyone to talk to…

Pierce: It’s done, okay? Let’s not make a big deal out of this, Decker.

(Amenadiel is talking to the doctor.)

Amenadiel: You know, I just don’t understand it. I’ve never had a human illness before. But sore throat, itchy eyes, a fever… Is it a cold? The flu?

Doctor: It’s chlamydia.

Amenadiel: Excuse me?

Doctor: It’s a sexually transmitted disease.

Amenadiel: Right, but I can’t have chlamydia. I’m an angel.

Doctor: Not to worry. A round of antibiotics and you’ll be back to your, uh, angelic ways. Now, the important thing is to focus on next steps. Do you know how you got it?

Amenadiel: I have no idea.

Doctor: Well, have you been engaging in any risky sexual behavior?

Amenadiel: Well, I did have s*x with a prost*tute. But I… didn’t know she was a prost*tute.

Doctor: Uh-huh.

Amenadiel: I’ve also been making love to an amazing woman who I have genuine feelings for. But we have a mutual friend that doesn’t want us together, and she is not one to be trifled with, so… It’s, um… complicated.

Doctor: Right. Call all your recent partners, even the ones before the prost*tute just in case it wasn’t her. They all need to be tested.

(Chloe is making her way under the pier to the main area when she runs into Lucifer who is already there.)

Lucifer: Hello, Detective. Lovely day for a bit of sunshine and sand, don’t you think?

Chloe: Lucifer, why are you here?

Lucifer: Well, I realize that I have been remiss in prioritizing you in our friendship. So I’d like to make it up to you by deeming today Detective Day.

Chloe: What does that even mean?

Lucifer: Well, it means that for the rest of the day, everything that I do shall be for you.

Chloe: Thanks, but I’m working a case.

Lucifer: Ah, now, I know that you need to get close to Mr. Dangerous Doug Libby. But since you don’t have a warrant, you need to do so without blowing your cover. Am I right?

Chloe: Maybe.

Lucifer: Well, that’s gonna be quite difficult, isn’t it? Unless, of course… someone signed you up for the competition.

(Pulls an identification badge / access pass out of the gift bag he’s holding.)

Chloe: This might actually help.

Lucifer: Yes, I know. But wait! “There’s more.” (Said in a hype-man voice.) Now, since you’re going in undercover, why not do it with a little panache? (Laughs. Pulls a neon yellow string bikini out of the bag.)

Chloe: Nice try. I’m not putting that on. But I will keep the access pass.

(She starts walking away.)

Lucifer: Right. Uh, Detective?

Chloe: What?!

Lucifer: (Holds a blue and white stripped umbrella over his head.) Well, you don’t want to damage that perfect skin of yours, now, do you?

(Chloe turns and continues to walk. Lucifer follows holding the umbrella over her head.)

Lucifer: So… how should we get close to this Dangerous Doug?

Chloe: You do nothing. I’ll handle this.

(Man speaking indistinctly over p.a. Doug is waxing his board.)

Chloe: Hey, there. Dangerous Doug? I just wanted to say hi. I-I’m such a huge fan.

Doug: Well, aloha.

Chloe: (Laughs) I’m, um, I’m new to the circuit. I joined down in San Diego.

Doug: It’s nice to meet you. Who’s the sugar daddy? (Meaning Lucifer who is standing behind her.)

Lucifer: What? Oh. Oh.

Chloe: (Chuckles) Him. He’s-he’s just… He’s my sponsor. He’s totally overbearing and absolutely not needed.

Lucifer: Right. (Taking the hint, Lucifer walks away.)

Chloe: So, anyhow, I just wanted to see if maybe you’d want to go surfing sometime. I found this really rad beach up in Malibu. It’s, um, called Carbon.

Doug: Oh, yeah, I’ve been there. I know all the secret beaches.

Chloe: Well, I just, I really admire your style, and, you know, I’d love to check out your board… Is-is this your board?

Doug: Oh, yeah.

Chloe: Oh, yeah.

Doug: Oh. This right here, this is my Bonzer. She’s great on turns. Perfect for roundhouses. She’s insane in the barrel.

Chloe: So, Dougy, did you, uh, hurt yourself?

Doug: No. Why?

Chloe: Looks like someone bit it really hard here. Did you hit someone?

Doug: Who’d you say you were again?

Announcer Over PA: Next up, Chloe “The Detective” Decker.

Chloe: Got to be kidding me.

Doug: You’re a cop?

Chloe: Sorry, Dougy. LAPD.

(Doug grabs his board and make a run for it. Lucifer grabs the board and keeps Doug from leaving.)

Lucifer: Sorry! I’m afraid this is evidence, Dougy.

Doug: Let go!

Lucifer: Okay. (Lucifer sighs and lets go of the board which, because Doug is pulling on it, hits Doug in the face and knocks him out.) (Chuckles)

Lucifer: (to Chloe) See? Detective Day.

(Elevator bell dings. Chloe and Lucifer emerge talking about the case.)

Lucifer: Now, wasn’t that refreshing? A lovely day at the beach, and you caught a m*rder*r. It’s like the whole world revolves around you, Detective.

Chloe: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. We still need to get a confession out of Doug or match the blood on the board to Manny.

Lucifer: Well, whatever you need, Detective. I am solely here for you.

Chloe: Look, I know what you’re doing.

Lucifer: Being the most selfless devil you’ve ever met?

Chloe: You’re only helping me so that I help you back, which is actually worse than not helping me at all. So thanks but no thanks.

Lucifer: But, Detective, surely you can appreciate a benevolent gesture.

Chloe: Save it. Lucifer, I know this case doesn’t matter to you.

Lucifer: That’s not…

(Dan walks past them and speaks to Chloe as he passes them.)

Dan: Ready?

Chloe: Yeah.

(As Dan passes Lucifer, Dan takes the 3-ring binder he’s carrying and smacks Lucifer in the butt with it. Dan and Chloe enter the interrogation room, leaving Lucifer standing in the middle of the squad room, baffled.)

(Doug is seated at the table. Chloe and Dan sit down.)

Doug: He’s dead, isn’t he?

Chloe: Yes, Doug. He’s dead.

Doug: Oh, God. I can’t believe it. I’m totally a k*ller. Look-look, you don’t understand. He-he just came out of nowhere.

Dan: All right, just calm down. Take a breath and take us through everything. From the beginning, okay?

Doug: I was surfing, man, and I caught this k*ller wave, and… he just came out of nowhere. I slammed into him with my board. God, there was so much blood. It was everywhere. God. Anytime I close my eyes, I can… can hear that awful sound. He just wouldn’t stop barking.

Dan: Um, I’m sorry. Did you say barking?

Doug: That poor seal. I k*lled him. I k*lled the dog of the sea.

Dan: Hold on a second. You… you think you’re here ’cause you k*lled a seal?

Doug: Yeah. Why else would I be here?

Dan: Well…

(Chloe lays out photos of Manny, the murd*r victim, on the table in front of Doug.)

Doug: Whoa. Manny’s dead, too?

(Charlotte and Pierce reach for the coffee pot at the same time.)

Charlotte: Oh. Pardon me. (She takes the coffee mug out of Pierce’s hand and starts pouring coffee in it from the pot.) Cream? Sugar? Or do you take it dark and bitter like your soul?

Pierce: Uh… (Chuckles) What?

Charlotte: Do you enjoy beating up on your subordinates, Mr. Pierce? Is that why you became a lieutenant?

Pierce: (Scoffs) Have we even met?

Charlotte: Oh, Charlotte Richards. I’m your new prosecutor, and you are just that kind of bully that makes me miss my old self. If I wasn’t on the road to virtue and righteousness, I would crush you like a c*ck.

Pierce: I believe you. (Chuckles) But, look, I don’t know what this is about. I’m sorry if I offended you somehow.

Charlotte: Oh, I’m not the one you should be apologizing to. Ella Lopez may be astonishingly perky and optimistic, but she doesn’t deserve to have her spirit crushed by anyone, especially not a man who, for some unknown reason, she looks up to.

Pierce: Hmm.

(Charlotte pour Pierce’s mug of coffee she just finished making into the garbage can and hands him back an empty mug.)

Charlotte: Shame on you.

(Lucifer is leaning against a desk waiting when Dan and Chloe leave the interrogation room.)

Lucifer: Ah, Detective, please. I really need your… Chloe walks by Lucifer without acknowledging him. (Sighs) (to Dan) Ah, Detective d*uche. Daniel. Sorry. Sorry, old habit. I think it’s because I’m distressed, and I need your advice. (Sighs) Now, you’ve managed to offend the detective more than anyone, to the point where she actually divorced you. Yet, you always seem to bounce back. How?

Dan: Okay, first off… Hmm. Our divorce was mutual.

Lucifer: Mm-hmm. Right. And?

Dan: And it’s not brain surgery, man. Y-You just… You got to find a way… to be thoughtful without getting in her face. Like, this one time, I made her breakfast in bed. French toast, whipped cream, homemade jam. Man, she really loved it. Dan keeps talking while he turns to put something down on his desk. And, you know, maybe if I had done more things like that, (Dan turns to find Lucifer has already left.) sh… Sh… I wouldn’t be standing alone, talking to myself.

(Maze is telling Dr. Linda about the knife she’s holding.)

Maze: This is the RX-5500. World’s most deadly hunting knife. Made with Friction Forging, it’s so sharp it can literally cut bone like butter. And now… I want you to get what you deserve.

Dr. Linda: Oh, God.

Maze: (Laughs) It’s a gift, stupid.

Dr. Linda: (Chuckles nervously knowing she is still seeing Amenadiel behind Maze’s back.)

Maze: For being such a great friend. (Maze give Dr. Linda the knife.) Look, I really appreciate how you handled the whole me not wanting you and Amenadiel to bone thing.

Dr. Linda: This is unnecessary, Maze.

Pierce: Stop it. Okay? You deserve it.

Dr. Linda: Look… there’s something I need to tell you.

(Maze’s phone vibrating, ringtone playing theme from Psycho. Maze rolls her eyes and answers the phone.)

Maze: What? Uh-huh. Yeah. Is that it? Whatever.

(Maze ends the call. Scoffs)

Maze: Stupid Amenadiel. Sorry. You were saying?

Dr. Linda: Is everything okay?

Maze: Eh, no big deal. He’s just whining about having chlamydia. (Chuckles) Yeah.

(Dr. Linda does a spit-take and sprays some of her drink on Maze.)

Maze: Dodged that b*llet, huh?

Dr. Linda: Yep. b*llet dodged, all right.

(Chloe walks over to Dan who is sitting at his desk.)

Chloe: (Sighs) Hey. So, forensics came back, and I can’t believe I’m saying this. Blood on the board? Definitely seal blood.

Dan: (Sighs) Well, I did some digging myself. Apparently there is a Huntington surf g*ng known as the Orcas. Know what their M.O. is? Using surf leashes to choke people and scare them off their turf.

Chloe: Any confirmed murders?

Dan: No, not yet. But there’s always a first. Their leader, known as Wildchild, has been picked up almost a dozen times for battery, vandalism, as*ault with a deadly weapon. These guys do not mess around.

Chloe: Okay, but if the Orcas are from Huntington Beach, what were they doing up at Carbon?

Dan: According to these, the Orcas tag was recently put up all around where Manny’s body was found. So, I don’t know. Maybe they’re expanding?

Chloe: Okay, only problem is a graffiti tag doesn’t prove m*rder.

Dan: Right. We need leverage. We need to force one of the Orcas to roll over. But how? These surfers are like a tribe.

Chloe: I have an idea.

(Chloe and Pierce are inside the van watching monitors.)

Pierce: This isn’t a good idea.

Chloe: Trust me. It’s gonna work.

(We see on the monitor that Dan is in swim trunks and carrying a surf board.)

Pierce: Okay, maybe it’ll work.

Chloe: (over radio) Dan, do you see anything?

Dan: I see some Orcas, but no sign of their big bad leader yet.

Chloe: Don’t let your guard down just yet. Wildchild just pulled up. Should be coming at you any minute.

Pierce: (to Chloe) Are you sure Epinoza’s up for this?

Chloe: He’s fine. All he has to do is get the Orcas riled enough that they try and rough him up. He yells the safe word, we move in, it’s a piece of cake.

Dan: Although, I don’t know how I’m supposed to get “surfs up” casually in a sentence. I mean, maybe we should consider using a different safe word.

Pierce: Good luck, Espinoza.

Dan: Copy.

Chloe: All right, Dan, you’re up. Wildchild’s on the beach.

Dan: How do I look?

Chloe: You look like you’re about to get your a*s kicked by a girl.

Chloe: When you pick up your jaw, remember that the Orcas don’t move a muscle without Wildchild’s nod. So stay on task, okay?

Dan: Trust me. I know how to tick off a lady.

(Dan grabs his surfboard and head’s out to the water after Wildchild.)

(Lucifer is sitting with his feet up on Chloe’s desk talking to Maze on the phone.)

Lucifer: No, Mazikeen, I don’t think the detective wants a knife. I’m trying to be thoughtful here. (Maze hangs up on him.) Hello? (Laughs) Well, someone’s in a mood today.

(An officer places a large stack of folders on Chloe’s inbox and walks away.)

Lucifer: What, as if the detective doesn’t have enough on her plate already! Deary me… (he has a thought) Good thing for her she’s got a partner to pick up the slack.

(Lucifer takes off his jacket, rolls up his sleeves, takes a swig from his flask, and proceeds to clean up her desk, and organize her files.)

Lucifer: (He finishes organizing.) Ah. Right. Now what do I do?

(Ella is working on something when Lucifer bursts in.)

Lucifer: Okay, I’ve done everything I can imagine to be helpful to the detective, and I’m literally out of ideas. Can you think of anything?

Ella: No. But you know what would help me? You… scrubbing these test tubes. I want them spick-and-span.And, if you don’t mind, how about you do it with a frickin’ smile!

Lucifer: Are you feeling all right, Ms. Lopez?

Ella: This isn’t me, is it?

Lucifer: Afraid not. No. Uh…

Ella: (Sighs) I’m sorry, okay? I’m just… I’m trying to practice standing up for myself against Pierce. And I’ve got, like, no time to figure it out, ’cause he’s leaving soon…

Lucifer: Wait. What do you mean Pierce is leaving?

Ella: Yeah. Didn’t you hear? He’s about to transfer out of the department.

Lucifer: (Sighs) No. No, no, no.

(Lucifer runs out of the lab.)

Ella: (to herself) Good job.

(Dan is on his board. He sees Wildchild going for a wave.)

Dan: Here goes nothing.

(Dan purposefully gets in Wildchild’s way and hogs her waves.)

(Pierce and Chloe watch Dan on a monitor.)

Pierce: I guess we finally found Espinoza’s true calling. Pissing people off. I might actually miss making fun of that guy.

Chloe: Maybe you don’t have to. I mean, you might find this surprising, but… Dan has become way more fond of you lately. And I-I think he appreciates your quirks, and I’m pretty sure he’s gonna miss you.

Pierce: He is?

Chloe: Mm-hmm. And so might… some others. You know? But point is, maybe you don’t have to go.

(Door opens. Lucifer enters the van.)

Lucifer: Ah! There you are.

Chloe: What, did you come to make it “all about me” again?

Lucifer: Nope. It’s all about him now. ‘Cause he’s crazy if he thinks I’m letting him leave town without finishing our conversation.

Pierce: (to Chloe) Give us a sec, will you?

Chloe: (to Pierce) (Sighs) Keep an eye on Dan, will you? After all, this is a sting. (to Lucifer) You know, a sting? (Sighs)

(Chloe leaves the van.) (Doors close)

Lucifer: I want answers.

Pierce: (Laughs) You want answers?

Lucifer: Mm.

Pierce: (Chuckles) Okay. (Chuckles) Fine. Go ahead. Do your thing.

Lucifer: What?

Pierce: (He grabs Lucifer’s face in his hand.) Ask me!

Lucifer: Oh. Very well… Cain. What is it that you desire?

Pierce: I want… to die.

Lucifer: What? To die? I… What does that have to do with coming here, or me?

Pierce: It has nothing to do with you. And everything to do with her.

Lucifer: But.. why? I don’t understand. What does the detective have to do with wanting to die?

Pierce: I’ve walked this Earth for thousands of years. I have seen everything, I have done everything. I have watched everything I’ve ever known turn to ashes over and over again.

Lucifer: It’s almost like you’re in…

Pierce: Hell? Yeah. And I’ve been searching for a way out forever. Keeping an eye on every celestial on Earth and what they’re doing. How and why they seem to come and go. So imagine my surprise when I find out there’s a detective who somehow made the Devil bleed. For the first time, I had hope. Maybe she could do for me what she did for you.

Lucifer: Then finally you’d be free.

Pierce: Yeah.

Lucifer: Then why kidnap me?

Pierce: Because in order to test my theory, I needed you out of the way. So I hired someone to knock you out when Chloe was close. Then you sprouted wings and came back early, and screwed up the entire plan. So I had to think on the fly.

Lucifer: Hold on. The sh**ter at the ranch?

Pierce: Yeah.

Lucifer: You let him know you were coming? Hoping he’d react the way that he did? You put the detective in danger!

Pierce: And even then, with Chloe right beside me, it didn’t work. So that little bit of hope I had? It’s gone.

Lucifer: Oh, boo-hoo. (Scoffs) What about everything else that happened to me?

Pierce: Honestly, I don’t know.

Lucifer: (stunned) You’re telling the truth. (Exhales sharply)

(Dan has come off the water and is hanging around hoping for some interaction with Wildchild.)

Dan: Stage one’s complete. But I got to tell you, I think these guys are all talk. I’ve pissed every single one of them off, and no one’s moved yet.

(He doesn’t see that Wildchild and her gang are coming up behind him. Then he turns and sees them.)

Dan: Oh, hey, guys. What’s up?

(Wildchild hauls off and punches him in the face. He goes down.)

Chloe: (over the walkie-talkie into Dan’s earpiece.) Dan? Dan, are you all right?

Dan: (Rolls over and wipes blood from his mouth.) Wow. I guess that means surf’s up. (The gang looks confused. No on comes to Dan’s rescue.) I said, surf’s up.

Wildchild: Did I just knock something loose, or are you always this lame?

Dan: (stands up) Well, you didn’t think that a… that a punch was gonna scare me off, did you?

Wildchild: No. (Someone hands her a surf leash which she grabs in two hands in a threatening manner.) Should’ve just walked away, kook.

Dan: I guess that’s, uh… that’s how it went down for Moondog, huh?

Wildchild: What’d you say?

Dan: I-I said that must have been what you did to my boy Moondog. Before he died.

(Lucifer and Pierce are still talking.)

Lucifer: Doesn’t make any sense. I mean, there must have been a reason my wings appeared at that moment. There has to have been.

Pierce: Maybe, but it wasn’t because of me.

(The van door opens and Chloe enters.)

Chloe: I lost audio on Dan. What’s going on? (she looks at the monitor) Is that blood?

Lucifer: Well, I mean, that could mean any number of things, couldn’t it?

Pierce: They couldn’t have gotten far. He’s injured.

(Chloe runs out of the van and part-way down the hill, followed closely by Pierce and Lucifer. They stop, confused, when they see Dan and the gang padding out into the water.)

Lucifer: What in the hell are they doing?

Chloe: It’s a paddle-out ceremony.

(Wildchild, Dan, and the other surf gang members have created a circle with their boards. They each have a handful of flowers.)

Wildchild: When you told us Manny was dead, I was stunned. ‘Cause Moondog was like one of us… A free spirit who wanted to be one with the ocean. At least now we know he is. (to Dan) Go ahead. Say something.

Dan: Uh… Manny was… a great guy. And he meant so much to… a lot of people, which is why I came here today to find his k*ller. I thought it was one of you guys.

Surfer: Why would you think that, man?

Dan: ‘Cause he was strangled by a surf leash. And the Orcas’ tags are all over Carbon, which is where his body was found.

Wildchild: That’s crazy.

Dan: Yeah, maybe, but I saw it myself.

Wildchild: We don’t go up to Carbon. Those private beaches are all blocked off. Those rich snobs make it clear we’re not welcome there, so why bother? The ocean’s a big place. (Sighs) Now, enough of that. Let’s take this moment. For Moondog.

Dan: For Moondog.

All: Moondog. (They throw the flowers in the water. Start splashing with their hands and whooping.)

(Lucifer, Chloe, and Dan are walking down the stairs talking about the case.)

Dan: I’m telling you guys, I believe them.

Chloe: Why? Just ’cause they put flowers in the water?

Dan: No. Because they didn’t know I was a cop, and their motive’s all but vanished. I think someone’s trying to set them up. I mean, they don’t even go up to Carbon. It’s too much of a hassle.

Lucifer: Sloth… truly one of the world’s most deplorable sins. If you want something, you have to be willing to go the extra mile. (Imitates trumpet fanfare. Motions towards Chloe’s desk that he organized for her.) What do you think? I’m particularly proud of the new filing system, complete with a “Sexy Victims” pile, “Obvious K*llers” pile. Oh, and “Boring Crimes” pile, to be ignored, of course.

Chloe: Cannot even. Cannot even.

Dan: Should have gone with the French toast. (He walks away.)

Chloe: As if it wasn’t bad enough you betrayed me, nearly costing me my job, almost getting Dan k*lled… I mean, did you really think I was dumb enough to help you just because you tried to clean up my desk and actually made it worse? I mean, what even is that?

Lucifer: It’s me.

Chloe: Are you that self-absorbed that you don’t realize how your actions hurt people? Hurt me?

Lucifer: Detective.

Chloe: And I can only assume that you asked Pierce for help, too, which is nuts, by the way. But I want to make one thing clear: you can just stop with this selfless charade, because I am never going to help you with this investigation of yours.

Lucifer: Oh, I don’t need your help anymore.

Chloe: Then why are you still here?

Lucifer: (sincerely) Because this case matters to you. Therefore, it matters to me. We’re… we’re partners, Detective.

Chloe: (Sighs) Next time, you want to just start there?

Lucifer: Next time. So we’re…?

Chloe: (Sighs) Okay. (Sighs) “Hot Suspects”? An entire folder for graffiti? This is gonna take me forever to re-sort, you know.

Lucifer: No, wait, w-what are you doing? It took me ages to line up these right angles.

Chloe: Holy crap. That’s it. You did it. (She starts laying out photos on her desk.)

Lucifer: Okay, Detective, I get it. You don’t like the new filing system. But this is a bit excessive.

Chloe: No. The Orcas. Remember how they said that they never go up to Carbon because it’s private? California has no private beaches, which means…

Lucifer: Someone must have put the signs up illegally.

Chloe: And look here. One person was cited dozens of times for posting at Carbon.

(Lucifer and Chloe are in beach chairs with a low table between them that holds Champaign in an ice bucket.)

Lucifer: To you, Detective. (They click glasses.) (Chuckles)

Justine: Hey! Hey. What do you think you’re doing? This is private property. Didn’t you see the signs?

Lucifer: Oh, I’m so sorry. I must have missed those. (to Chloe) Did you happen to see them?

Chloe: No. No. (She fans herself with one of the signs.) You know, someone must have taken them down.

Justine: I don’t know who you two think you are, but I’m calling the police.

Lucifer: What, you mean like those police? (Pointing to the police that are now inside Justine’s condo.)

Chloe: The beach signs you posted are illegal, Justine, and you know what that helps with? A search warrant. I wonder if the officers will find anything of interest in there.

Lucifer: Yes, I wonder. Maybe a surf leash used to strangle a young surfer, perhaps.

Justine: I don’t know what you’re talking about. This is insane.

(Lucifer and Chloe stand up to face Justine.)

Lucifer: Oh, come on, tell us the truth. Did he steal from you? Hmm? Did he owe you cash? Or perhaps it was some kind of sexual liaison that went awry. Really, I must know.

Justine: What the hell is wrong with you people? You come to my house and accuse me of m*rder?

Chloe: This isn’t your home, Justine. This beach doesn’t belong to anyone. But that was the problem, wasn’t it?

Justine: You are wasting your time here.

Chloe: Manny came here to surf, you had enough, and you snapped.

Justine: No, that’s not true.

Lucifer: Well, you say that, Justine, but the police officer up there holding a surfboard says yes. (Chuckles) Sorry. You were saying?

Justine: You don’t get it. I paid for this land. I even put up signs, but they trampled this whole beach like it was their own. They trashed this whole area, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I-I had to send a message.

Chloe: And that’s why you framed the Orcas for Manny’s m*rder.

Justine: If people were scared enough, then finally they would stay away.

Lucifer: Hold on. So you’re saying your brazen act of violence, it wasn’t personal at all?

Chloe: Manny was just a means to an end. You’re under arrest, Justine, for the m*rder of Manny Taylor.

(Two officers handcuff Justine and take her away.)

Chloe: After all that, I could really use a glass of champagne. Chee…

(Chloe holds her glass up to toast with Lucifer but he is nowhere to be found. She sighs.)

Chloe: He is who he is.

(Smooth jazz music playing) (Dr. Linda and Amenadiel are sitting at a table talking.)

Dr. Linda: This sneaking around, I can’t do it anymore, Amenadiel.

Amenadiel: (Chuckles softly) I’m so relieved to hear you say that, because I feel the same way.

Dr. Linda: You do?

Amenadiel: I do.

Dr. Linda: (Sighs)

Amenadiel: You see, I realize that I don’t want to hide our relationship anymore.

Dr. Linda: Well, that’s not exactly what I mean. I’m not sure if we should be… intimate together at all.

Amenadiel: Is this because I have chlamydia?

Dr. Linda: Uh… No. I mean… I mean, it doesn’t help. I mean, I can’t believe you slept with a prost*tute.

Amenadiel: First off, I didn’t know she was a prost*tute. Secondly, you had s*x with my brother, the biggest wh*re on the planet. How do I know you didn’t give me chlamydia?!

Dr. Linda: Okay, how dare you?

Amenadiel: How dare you?

(Phone vibrating)

Amenadiel: (He reads the text. Laughs) Uh, it’s my doctor. What do you know? False positive on the chlamydia. So, I guess we fought for nothing.

Dr. Linda: Well, it’s not for nothing, Amenadiel. I mean, yes, I’m relieved we don’t have… chlamydia. I don’t think we should be together.

Amenadiel: I don’t understand.

Dr. Linda: I feel like I’m being a bad friend to Maze. It doesn’t matter how much I like you. I can’t date my friend’s ex anymore. But I do… really like you.

(She takes his hand across the table. He reaches back and takes her hands, also.)

Amenadiel: And I really like you.

(They lean over the table and kiss a goodbye kiss. We now see that Maze is across the room at another table watching. She is furious and stabs the table with her knife.)

(Pierce is walking by the forensic lab and sees Ella is working. He decides to go in and talk to her.)

Pierce: Lopez, you got a second?

Ella: No. Me first. I talk a lot, okay? I know that. But most people seem to like it, okay? And-and what’s more important is I like it. Okay, so even if you hate it, which you shouldn’t, but-but even if you do, it doesn’t give you the right to yell at me the way that you did. I-It was rude and unprofessional, and-and I think you owe me an apology.

Pierce: You’re right. I was in a bad place, and I took it out on you, and there’s no excuse for that. I’m sorry.

Ella: You were in a bad place? Really? Is there anything I can do? D-Do you need a hug?

Pierce: (Chuckles softly) Sure. Why not?

Ella: You’re gonna miss me.

(Pierce makes his way to his motorcycle.) (Tires screeching in distance) (Car approaching rapidly) (Tires screech. Lucifer pulls up and gets out of his car.)

Lucifer: Where do you think you’re going?

Pierce: I didn’t figure you for the sentimental type.

Lucifer: Oh, believe me, I’m not. I’m here because I finally figured out why my father returned my wings. And as it turns out, it had nothing to do with me at all. It was about you.

Pierce: How many times do I have to tell you I had nothing to do with your wings?

Lucifer: I know, but my father did. He wanted to stop you defying Him, and He used me to do it. You said yourself you needed me out of the way. And since my wings ruined your kidnapping plan, it seems I was a means to an end.

Pierce: So what?

Lucifer: It means my dad screwed us both. But perhaps there’s a way for us to screw him back.

Pierce: How?

Lucifer: By k*lling you, of course.

Pierce: I thought we went over this already.

Lucifer: You can’t die, I know. But I promise you, if you stay, I will find a way to end your infinite misery, if it’s the last thing I do.

Pierce: What makes you think you can do that?

Lucifer: Well, you may have crossed paths with God, but you’ve certainly never made a deal with the Devil before, now, have you? What say we change that?

Pierce: What do I have to lose?

Lucifer: Well, hopefully, your life.