S3 Ep15: High School Poppycock

(Chloe emerges from the elevator into a darkened penthouse. She calls out for Lucifer but he doesn’t answer.)

Chloe: Lucifer, I’m here. Are you ready? Lucifer? (Laughs) Why is it so dark in here? Wha…? Lucifer? Lucifer? (Sighs)

Lucifer: Detective.

Chloe: (Gasps)

(Lucifer is hidden by shadow. Chloe can see his silhouette but not any details.)

Lucifer: There’s been a change of plan. I’m not going.

Chloe: What? But we have a case.

Lucifer: Something’s happened. Please leave.

Chloe: Wait, what’s happened? Are you okay?

Lucifer: I can’t… I can’t make them go away.

(Chloe has her back to the open balcony. Lucifer slowly walks towards her. Just the tops of his wings can be seen behind his shoulders. Afraid, Chloe steps backwards away from him.)

Chloe: Wha…? Lucifer, what’s on your back?

Lucifer: Detective, I said leave!

Chloe: (Gasping) What’s going on?

Lucifer: I can’t… I can’t control them.

(They are both now on the balcony. Lucifer’s wings suddenly fully unfurl. Chloe is shocked, screams, and falls backward breaking the glass railing and falling into mid-air.)

Chloe: (Screams)

Lucifer: No! Detective!

Chloe: (Gasping as she falls)

(Lucifer jumps after her, falling with his wings outstretched. He is reaching out his hand to try to save her.)

Lucifer: Detective! Detective, grab my hand! Detective!

(Chloe screams)

(Suddenly the wind catches his wings and sends him backward away from her. He can’t get to her as she falls closer to the ground.)

Lucifer: (screaming) No! No… No!

Lucifer: And then I woke up. And it’s not the sort of dream I’m used to. A lot less nudity. So what do you think it means?

Dr. Linda: Well, I think it’s pretty obvious what it means, Lucifer.

Lucifer: That I need sturdier guardrails?

Dr. Linda: Or, maybe there’s some symbolism in there.

Lucifer: You mean my wings, don’t you?

Dr. Linda: Yes. Well, clearly, you have issues.

Lucifer: Well, you would, too, if your father slapped a pair on your back. Took away your Devil face, took away who you are. I mean, who knows what else He’ll take from me. Lux? My… job with the LAPD?

Dr. Linda: Or Chloe.

Lucifer: Well, she may be part of it, but this isn’t about her. This is about me. So can we please just focus on what truly matters here?

Dr. Linda: Which is?

Lucifer: Showing my Father that He can’t control me. And He’s not as powerful as he thinks.

Dr. Linda: And how are you going to do that?

Lucifer: By defying Him. I’m gonna remove Pierce’s immortal curse so he can finally die. There’s just one problem, though.

Dr. Linda: Just one?

Lucifer: (Sighs) Everything that I’ve come up with, Pierce has already tried. I’m completely out of ideas. My well is dry, and that is why I’m here.

Dr. Linda: Yeah, well. Not sure I know how to remove an immortal’s curse.

Lucifer: (Laughs) No. I need you to remove my mental block. Hypnotize me, or something. I hear it works with smoking and insomnia, so… (Grunts)

Dr. Linda: Unfortunately, that’s not how it works, Lucifer. There’s no easy fix for a lack of ideas.

Lucifer: No?

Dr. Linda: No. You just have to be patient. You never know when or where inspiration will strike.

Lucifer: Well, thank you, Doctor. For being completely unhelpful today. (Scoffs)

(Lucifer, angry, storms out of the office and shuts the door as he leaves.)

(Dr. Linda sighs and goes to her desk.) (Phone rings. She answers.)

Dr. Linda: (in a s*xy voice) Ah. Hi, Amenadiel.

(Chloe enters the lab carrying an armful of file folders.)

Chloe: (Clears throat) Hey, Ella? Um… Uh, listen, about tonight? I’m gonna have to…

(Ella emerges from behind a glass dividing wall wearing a neon blue wig.)

Ella: No! No. You better not be cancelling on me again.

Chloe: I know, I’m so sorry. It’s just, I have so much work to do.

Ella: Can’t you play hooky?

Chloe: Not if I want to be a responsible adult.

Ella: Right. But… What if… (Ella reaches under the table an pulls out a neon pink wig like her own and shows it to Chloe.) you weren’t a responsible adult? (Ella puts the wig on Chloe and straighten it.) (Laughing) Just this once. Come on! Chloe, I mean, don’t you ever miss just having stupid fun like when you were a kid?

Chloe: I was a pretty grown-up kid, actually.

Ella: Well, never too late to start.

Chloe: I know. I’m sorry, babe, I can’t. Can we do a neon party rain check?

(Chloe takes off the wig.)

Ella: Decker, one of these days, you’re gonna realize what you’ve been missing.

(Quietly) It looked so cute on you.

Chloe: (Scoffs)

(Chloe is driving. Lucifer is sitting quietly, deep in thought.) (Indistinct radio chatter)

Chloe: This is the longest you’ve ever gone without talking. Ever. Is something on your mind?

Lucifer: Nothing. That’s the problem. (Sighs)

Chloe: Uh, how so?

Lucifer: (Sighs) Well, I… (He knows he can’t tell Chloe the details of his dilemma.) I have this puzzle that I need to solve, but I’ve hit a mental block.

Chloe: Okay.

Lucifer: Have you ever just ran out of ideas when working a particularly difficult case? I mean, before I came along, of course.

Chloe: (Scoffs) Right. Um… not really. I-I mean, I’ve hit dead ends from lack of evidence, but no, because there’s always a new angle to consider.

Lucifer: Braggart. (Sighs)

(Dan briefs Lucifer and Chloe as they arrive at a large modern home.)

Dan: Our victim’s name was Kathleen Pike, 33. She’s the author of a best-selling futuristic Y.A. series called Class of 3001. She was found with her head bashed in by her own vintage typewriter.

Lucifer: The irony’s a little on the nose. Or on the head, should I say?

Chloe: What’s that white stuff?

Ella: I know what you guys are thinking. She’s a synthetic. Aliens. The android who bled white. (Gurgles) No one? Really? Oh, never mind. That’s melted ice cream, anyway. It looks like our victim was about to dig in last night when someone showed up and rewrote her dessert menu with that typewriter. Real wound’s over here though.

Chloe: Huh. Who found the body?

(Camera clicks)

Dan: Kathleen’s editor. Vincent Green. He’s out by the pool.

Chloe: Thank you. (She leaves to go outside to talk to the editor.)

Lucifer: (Pulling Dan aside.) Uh, Daniel. Your head is mostly empty.

Dan: Huh?

Lucifer: Exactly. And yet, you manage to do this improv thing. How do you come up with stuff on the spot like that?

Dan: Well, the first rule of improv is “yes, and…”

Lucifer: Yes and what?

Dan: That’s the name of the technique.

Lucifer: Right. I’ve heard you talk about it before, but I don’t actually understand what it means.

Dan: Well, you agree with whatever’s being said… yes. And then you say the first thing that comes to your mind… and.

Lucifer: That makes no sense. (Sighs) But I’m desperate, so I’ll try anything. (He walks outside after Chloe muttering to himself.) Yes, and.

(Outside, Chloe is talking to Vincent, the victim’s editor.)

Vincent: I got the call from Kathleen late last night. She finally finished the new book. We made plans for me to come over this morning, pick up the manuscript.

Chloe: Do you usually pick up manuscripts in person?

Vincent: With Kathleen, yes. There’s only ever one hard copy since she does all her writing on that typewriter.

(Lucifer walks up and starts trying a new technique.)

Lucifer: Yes, and… well, her dying on that typewriter as well, it seems.

Chloe: Do you know anyone who would have done this to her? Any known enemies?

Vincent: No, Kathleen was extremely well-liked. She had millions of devoted fans.

Chloe: Ugh, I know how fans can get obsessed with their idols.

Lucifer: Yes, and… with their boobs. Like after you did Hot Tub High School, Detective.

Chloe: (embarrassed) Oh. Uh-huh.

Vincent: You don’t think this could be my fault, do you?

Chloe: Why?

Vincent: I was so excited that she was finished that I tweeted the news to her fans. I really talked the book up, hinting at this huge action-packed robot rebellion ending she teased me with.

Chloe: Well, as long as you didn’t tweet her address as well.

Vincent: No, of course not, but someone could find that. Someone who wanted to read the book first?

Lucifer: Yes, and… someone who wanted to tell her that robot rebellions couldn’t be more dull and derivative.

Chloe: What is with all this “yes, and” stuff?

Lucifer: Oh, just some improv thing I was hoping would knock me out of my idea dry spell.

Chloe: But you’re literally just saying what you would normally say, with the words “yes, and” in front of it.

Lucifer: Yes, and… it’s clearly not working.

Chloe: Uh-uh.

Lucifer: Stupid Daniel.

Vincent: Idea dry spell. Just like Kathleen.

Lucifer: What do you mean?

Vincent: She had the worst case of writer’s block I’ve ever seen. Took her five years to figure out how to end the series.

Lucifer: Well, never mind that. How did she cure her block?

Vincent: I don’t know, she said I would understand after I read it. Said she even explained how she broke through it in the book’s afterword.

Lucifer: But you haven’t read it.

Vincent: No, like I said, there’s only one copy and I haven’t seen it.

Lucifer: Detective. This afterword could explain how to overcome my own form of writer’s block.

Chloe: What?

Lucifer: We need to find it.

Chloe: The k*ller. You mean we need to find the k*ller.

Lucifer: Exactly. So they can hand over that book.

Chloe: Uh-huh.

Amenadiel: (takes a sip of wine) Mmm. Linda, I have to say, these last few weeks have been absolutely incredible.

Dr. Linda: Wow. You’re really good at this sweet, sappy stuff, aren’t you?

Amenadiel: (Chuckles)

Dr. Linda: (Giggles) I feel the same.

Amenadiel: Good. Well, maybe someday we can actually have this date in public?

(Both laugh)

Dr. Linda: (Sighs) I do hate sneaking around, but Maze.

Amenadiel: I know. I know. She can’t find out.

Dr. Linda: I… I want to tell her, I just don’t know how. I admit, I’m afraid.

Amenadiel: Well, you should be. Maze would… not take this well.

Dr. Linda: I feel so guilty, I…. (Scoffs) I’ve been avoiding her calls. Are we being cowards?

Amenadiel: Yes. But, Linda, it’s…

Both: Maze.

Amenadiel: I know.

Dr. Linda: Do you know how she’s doing?

Amenadiel: I’m sure she’s fine. Busy hunting bounties and all. But… I can check on her if that’ll make you feel better.

Dr. Linda: Really? Just to make sure she’s okay.

Amenadiel: Of course. I would do anything for you. What? Is that too sappy?

(Dr. Linda shakes her head ‘no’ and leans over and kisses him.)

(Lucifer is reading the Class of 3001 book out loud as Chloe works on her computer.)

Lucifer: “Max was plagued with confusion. If Jessica truly loved him, then why’d she kiss Tristan? And in the back seat of her flying car, no less.” This has sold millions of copies. Tongueless kissing and stealing liquor from their parents. (Chuckles) I mean, where’s the s*x? The drugs? That robot rebellion cannot come soon enough. (to Chloe) Was your high school experience this pathetically PG?

Chloe: I didn’t have much of a high school experience.

Lucifer: Oh! Played hooky a lot did you? Suddenly I like you more.

Chloe: No, child actors don’t have much time for regular school. You’re either auditioning or on set, so it’s mostly tutors.

Lucifer: Ah.

Chloe: Maybe I did miss out on a lot. Anyhow, why are you reading those? I doubt that that’s gonna lead us to Kathleen’s k*ller.

Lucifer: Oh, well, Kathleen’s afterword explained how she overcame her writer’s block. In order to understand, I may need context.

Chloe: Oh, in case she uses examples?

Lucifer: Exactly. So, speaking of the k*ller, any leads?

Chloe: Yeah, actually. Someone who goes by the name of “Ashley3001fan.” Got into some pretty heated online arguments with Kathleen. Apparently, she wasn’t too happy the book was taking so long to be completed.

Lucifer: Poor Kathleen. When will people understand writer’s block is a very serious condition?

Chloe: Well, Kathleen agreed.

Lucifer: (reading comment off Chloe’s computer) “I don’t have to answer to ignorant trolls like you. There’s a reason I’m the writer and you’re a fan. Maybe you should try contributing something to society.” Ouch, nicely put, Kathleen.

Chloe: Yeah. After Kathleen publicly berated her, Ashley went completely offline.

Lucifer: You think Ashley was so humiliated by her hero that she wanted revenge?

Chloe: (Sighs) It’s possible.

Lucifer: Well, let’s hope so ’cause I need to find that boo… k*ller, the b… k*ller.

Chloe: I know you mean book.

Lucifer: I did.

(They leave the office.)

(Amenadiel knocks on the front door. Trixie answers.)

Trixie: Hi, Amenadiel.

Amenadiel: Hey, Trixie. Uh, is Maze here?

Trixie: Sorry, no.

(Amenadiel leans to look inside past Trixie. Trixie closes the door a little bit to block his view. He knows what she’s doing and that Maze is inside.)

Amenadiel: Oh. Would you mind telling her that I stopped by, please?

Trixie: Sure.

Amenadiel: Thanks.

(Trixie closes the door on Amenadiel and goes into the living room where Maze sits.)

Maze: Nice work, Trix.

Trixie flops down on the sofa next to Maze and Maze puts an arm around Trixie.

Trixie: Why don’t you want to see him? Amenadiel’s nice.

Maze: Nice? If he were nice, he wouldn’t be sneaking around behind my back with my friend, and lying about it.

Trixie: Why are they doing that?

Maze: I don’t know. ‘Cause they suck.

Trixie: Mommy says that sometimes, people are just scared to tell the truth. Maybe they need a little help.

Maze: That’s not a bad idea, kid. Helping people tell the truth is kind of my thing. Huh.

(The three young women behind the counter are dressed in white lab coats and liquid nitrogen is being used to make the ice cream. Lucifer and Chloe enter through the front door.)

Chloe: I cybertraced Ashley3001fan to here. And the ice cream from the crime scene, also from here. Ashley could be one of these three.

Lucifer: Yes. They do seem like the insipid Y.A. type. Though, scooping frozen treats for others day in, day out, seems even more boring.

Chloe: Yeah, but they get to hang out with their friends. There’s no adult responsibility. It looks like they’re having fun. You know, stupid fun.

Lucifer: Since when do you like “stupid fun”?

(Chloe ignores his comment, pulls out her badge and shows it to the nearest young woman behind the counter)

Chloe: Hi. Detective Decker, LAPD. I’d like to ask you all some…

(Another of the three young woman hears this and takes off towards the rear of the shop trying to escape. Chloe pulls her g*n and yells.)

Chloe: Freeze.

Lucifer: Ha. “Freeze,” good one.

(Panting, the young woman stops and puts up her hands.)

Claire: Please. Please don’t call my mom. I-It’s just one joint.

(A male manager walks up to find out what is going on.)

Manager: Claire? What’s going on?

Chloe: Claire? You’re not Ashley?

Manager: No, I’m Ashley.

Lucifer: Ashley’s a man?

Ashley: Yeah, I’m a man. And I’m the manager. What’s going on?

Lucifer: Oh, what’s going on, Ashley, is you need to give me that book. Otherwise, I’ll show you the true meaning of “you scream for ice cream.” Okay?

Ashley: All right.

(Ashley is seated at the table across from Chloe and Lucifer.)

Lucifer: I’m gonna ask you nicely, Ashley. Where’s the book?

Ashley: Dude, I’m telling you. I don’t have any book.

Chloe: (Puts an evidence bag with the ice cream container in it on the desk in front of Ashley.) Then why was that found at Kathleen Pike’s home?

Ashley: (Picks up the bag and reads the bottom of the container.) “3000 and Yum.” Yeah, that’s a flavor I created special for Kathleen. I brought it to her house personally.

Lucifer: Do you always bring ice cream to your m*rder victims?

Ashley: m*rder? Wait… Kathleen’s dead?

Lucifer: Very.

Ashley: Man, she was the greatest writer of our generation.

Lucifer: What? Her books were about high school drama. What could a man of your age possibly find great about them?

Ashley: (Chuckles) I mean, high school was the best time of my life. Reading 3001 makes me feel like I’m 16 again. Those books are deeper than you think.

Chloe: We know about your online fight with Kathleen. Things got very heated. Must’ve hurt to have her insult you like that in front of everybody.

Ashley: I never should’ve said those things. So, I sent her some of my writing. You know, like an olive branch.

Lucifer: Hold on, you’re a writer?

Ashley: Yeah, man. I’ve written, like, tons of Class of 3001 fan fiction.

Chloe: Can’t imagine that Kathleen was too pleased.

Ashley: Kathleen liked my writing. She even asked me to help her finish her last book.

Lucifer: She asked you to help? So Kathleen’s solution to writer’s block was to outsource?

Ashley: Yeah, but when Kathleen read my version, she decided she wanted to go in a different direction. But she said it did help her f-finish her book on her own. So… (Scoffs) boom.

Lucifer: It did? How? What exactly helped Kathleen overcome her block?

Ashley: She told me she realized she needed to be more authentic. You know, get back to her original inspiration.

Lucifer: That is completely meaningless.

Chloe: Well, well, what was the original inspiration?

Ashley: Oh? You guys don’t know?

(Lucifer, Chloe, Dan, Ella, and Charlotte are discussing the case.)

Dan: So, the characters in Kathleen’s books are based on real people. And all of her stories were taken from her real life at Westside High, right here in L.A.

(Lucifer thumbs through a Westside High Year Book.)

Lucifer: Max, Jessica, Isabel. She didn’t even change any of the first names. Did she have any original ideas at all?

Chloe: Well, she changed the last names.

Ella: And she did have to come up with all that futuristic sci-fi stuff. I mean, trust me, that is not easy. I’m actually writing my own book about a forensic scientist who talks to ghosts.

Lucifer: You are? Tell me, what do you do when you run out of ideas?

Ella: Oh, I never run out of ideas. I’ve got way too many. My problem is how to choose.

Lucifer: Well, there’s no need to rub it in. Thank you.

Charlotte: So, this author exposed all these people’s dirty laundry? Sounds like motive to me.

Dan: Uh, I think Charlotte… uh, Ms. Richards is right. If, uh, someone saw the editor’s tweet announcing another book, then maybe one of them k*lled her to make sure it didn’t come out.

Chloe: Ella.

(Chloe motions for Ella to update everyone on the real life people behind the characters. Ella puts a group of photos up on the big TV screen.)

Ella: The main characters from the Class of 3001…

Chloe: If the book’s gonna reveal any secrets, it’s theirs. These are our suspects.

Lucifer: Right. (Points at different photos as his identifies them.) Prom king, sexpot, cheerleader, bad boy, valedictorian, jock. One of these six degenerates has my book. Let’s bring them in.

Charlotte: No, all you have is speculation. Not enough for arrest warrants. I mean, even if we did bring them all in, we don’t have any leverage. Why would they admit to anything?

Chloe: Well, according to superfan Ashley, Kathleen was rushing to get her book done in time to announce it at her high school reunion, which is tomorrow night.

Charlotte: Well, if all our suspects are in town to attend, gave them opportunity.

Chloe: Mm-hmm. And it gives us an opportunity as well, to go undercover.

Lucifer: Well, good. What are we waiting for?

Dan: Well, it’s a high school reunion. Everybody knows everybody.

Ella: Unless… you’re Todd Cornwell.

Chloe: Who’s Todd Cornwell?

Ella: Exactly. Todd Cornwell. Class loner, acne, Coke-bottle glasses, whole bit. Went to college overseas, and when I stalked Kathleen’s classmates online, Todd was the only one with zero social media presence.

Lucifer: Lucifer, you could go as Todd.

Dan: Yeah, no, no, seriously. Look, he looks just like you.

Lucifer: Has all that masturbation finally caught up with your eyesight, Daniel? No one’ll believe that even if I tell them I’ve had a face and body transplant.

Chloe: Yeah, but it might be our only shot. I mean, I could go as your plus-one.

Ella: Oh, poops. Hold up. Todd RSVP’d “yes.”

Chloe: (Sighs) Charlotte, is there any legal way to prevent him from attending?

Charlotte: Well, it’s definitely not legal to distract Todd with, say, a bounty hunter. If anyone needs me, I’m gonna be in my office not hearing the plan.

Chloe: Okay, great. Are you gonna call Maze?

Lucifer: Gladly, whilst you research our suspects. (He hands Chloe a stack of the Class of 3001 Trilogy.) Enjoy.

(Dr. Linda is seated at her desk when the door suddenly opens and Maze enters without knocking.)

Dr. Linda: Maze. I’m so glad you’re here.

Maze: Yeah, well, you seem pretty busy. I called a couple of times. Never heard back.

Dr. Linda: Yeah, I know, work’s been crazy.

Maze: Oh. I was hoping that maybe you found a boyfriend.

Dr. Linda: Boyfriend?

Maze: Yeah.

Dr. Linda: Why would I… (Laughs) Definitely no boyfriend.

Maze: Really?

Dr. Linda: Yup. So single. So… so single.

Maze: Well, in that case, I should totally set you up. I have just the guy.

Dr. Linda: Oh, that it so thoughtful of you, Maze, but you really don’t have to do that.

Maze: Please, Linda, I want to. What are best friends for?

Dr. Linda: I know, it’s just me and blind dates…

Maze: How about tomorrow night?

Dr. Linda: Tomorrow night? Oh… sh**t. I think I’m busy.

Maze: (Stands up and leans over the desk.) Let me do this.

Dr. Linda: Tomorrow it is.

(Chloe is lying on the living room sofa with a mostly empty bottle of wine, thoroughly engaged in reading the Class of 3001 Trilogy.)

Chloe: (Gasps) No. (Sighs) (Exclaims)

Trixie: Mom?

Chloe: Baby, what are you doing up? Get back in bed.

Trixie: Bed? It’s morning. I’m gonna miss the bus.

Chloe: What? I’ve-I’ve, uh… I’ve been up all night? She gets up and starts rushing around. Come on, come on. Get the… Get-get, go, get your… Where’s the…?

(Chloe and Lucifer enter the reunion in the gymnasium.)

Chloe: (Gasps) Oh. Wow.

Lucifer: You know, high school reunion’s a very popular t*rture in Hell.

Chloe: This is beautiful. I… you know, you didn’t even try to look like Todd.

Lucifer: (Clears throat) Well… well, why would I do that? If I was Todd, I’d want to look like me.

Chloe: (Taps Lucifer on the arm to get his attention.) Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh, look. It’s Emily and Bo, Tristan and Jessica, and there’s Max talking to Isabel. She is so not good enough for him, really.

Lucifer: (Laughs) What did you just say?

Chloe: (Clears throat) Max and Isabel, two of our suspects.

Lucifer: Oh, oh! The prom king and the sexpot.

Chloe: Oh, Lucifer, don’t judge. They’re so much more to these people than their stereotypes suggest.

Lucifer: (Laughs) Right.

Chloe: It’s just, ugh.

Lucifer: Are you being serious?

Chloe: Yeah. Yeah, the books are much deeper than you’d imagine. The characters, they’re so compelling and relatable and rich, and I-I mean… (Stammers) They’re all here.

Lucifer: And one of them is most likely a k*ller.

Chloe: Right.

Lucifer: Right.

Chloe: Right. Okay, I’m gonna go sign us in so that we can finally meet the, um… so we can question the suspects. (Giggles and trots off.)

Lucifer: What is happening?

(A little later, Chloe affixes Todd’s name tag to Lucifer’s jacket.)

Chloe: Okay, so we each have three people to question. Let’s figure out who was worried about Kathleen’s book coming out.

Lucifer: Yes, and where everyone was the night of the m*rder.

Chloe: Oh, yeah.

Lucifer: Are you even listening to me?

Chloe: Mm-hmm.

Lucifer: Do you know, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but focus, Detective. I need that afterword.

Chloe: Right, sorry.

Lucifer: Right.

Chloe: Oh, my God.

Lucifer: What?

Chloe: It’s Jessica. Can you believe that sophomore year, she hooked up with Tristan on the laserball field? (Exhales sharply) Don’t worry, Jessica’s on my list.

(Chloe walks towards Jessica leaving Lucifer bewildered.)

(Dr. Linda has just arrived and is speaking to the hostess.)

Dr. Linda: Okay, so, I’m the first one here. I’ll just go have a drink at the bar.

Hostess: Sure thing.

(As she turns to go to the bar she runs into Amenadiel.)

Amenadiel: Linda.

Dr. Linda: Amenadiel, what are you doing here?

Amenadiel: Well, Maze invited me. I thought she wanted to talk after I stopped by yesterday.

Dr. Linda: Maze is setting me up on a blind date. (pauses) What if you are my blind date?

Amenadiel: Well, that doesn’t make any sense.

Dr. Linda: Unless she knows about us and is trying to make us squirm.

Amenadiel: And t*rture is her thing.

(Maze now walks up to them.)

Maze: Linda, this is Todd. Your date. (Maze pushes Todd at Dr. Linda. Hi is hold a bouquet of flowers.)

Dr. Linda: Hello.

Todd: This is a blue lobelia. Native Americans used them to treat constipation.

Dr. Linda: Thank you. (Sighs)

(Todd grunts as Maze shoves him to stand next to Dr. Linda.)

Dr. Linda: (to Maze and Amenadiel) But what are you two doing here?

Maze: (Wraps an arm around Amenadiel.) Double date. Isn’t this great?

(Todd takes this opportunity to put his arm around Dr. Linda.)

Dr. Linda: Hmm. Yeah, uh, no… Hi. (Todd quickly removes his arm from around Dr. Linda.) That’s great.

(Isabel is talking quietly with another woman.) (Lucifer approaches Isabel.)

Lucifer: (to the other woman) Excuse us. Isabel.

Isabel: (Looks at his name tag then gives him a once over.) Todd? Odd-bod Todd? Are… I’m sorry. You… just look so different.

Lucifer: I’ll take that as a compliment.

Isabel: Wow, I… Do you have a British accent?

Lucifer: Well, I’ve had many accents over the years, but this one is clearly the best.

Isabel: (Laughs) You’re so funny and… so hot.

Lucifer: (Chuckles) I know. Mmm. Uh, but I need to ask you a few questions.

Isabel: Sure. Let’s catch up.

(In another part of the reunion Chloe is talking to the other suspects.)

Chloe: Can you believe Kathleen’s coming out with another book?

Jessica: Oh, I believe it. That b*tch loved profiting off of us.

Max: Ugh, she sucks. But honestly, we’re all, uh, just trying to move on.

Tristan: Man, those books ruined our lives. I had to move to Maine.

Lucifer: Do you know what was in her last book? What sparked her final idea? (Bo shrugs and takes a sip of beer.) The books are about you, correct? Bo doesn’t answer. (Lucifer is exasperated and walks away.) Oh, for…

Chloe: So, do you know what happens in the new book? Are there any big secrets that come out or… (Gasps) Does Isabel actually get pregnant?

Emily: Uh, who are you again?

Chloe: What were you doing two nights ago?

Jessica: I was… at home? Doing a facial.

Emily: I was with Tristan. I think.

Jessica: I mean, by the time I flew in, it was really late.

Chloe: (to Jessica) You’re hiding something. And I think I know what. It’s because you were with Bo, and you didn’t want Isabel to find out. But, like, who cares what Isabel thinks? Especially after what she did to you in chemistry class? I mean, do you realize you’re still lucky to have your hand?

Isabel: (to Lucifer. She is stroking his chest as she speaks.) It doesn’t matter where I was two nights ago. What matters is that tonight, we’re together.

Lucifer: (Exhales. He is not into this.)

Chloe: (to Max) So where were you two nights ago?

Max: Let’s go talk somewhere a little quieter. (He takes Chloe’s hand and leads her away.)

Chloe: Right. Yeah, talk. Uh-huh.

Maze: (Laughing) You two have so much in common.

Dr. Linda: Yeah.

Maze: Linda, you’re a therapist. And, Todd, you’re in therapy. Discuss.

Dr. Linda: Oh. You don’t have to…

Todd: I wet the bed.

Dr. Linda: It’s more common than people think.

Todd: You’re lovely. I’m so glad she convinced me to skip my reunion for this.

Amenadiel: Most serial K*llers wet the bed.

Maze: (Hisses) I smell a love connection, don’t you? Let’s crank this date up a notch. Waiter.

Amenadiel: (Quietly) Linda. This is getting out of control.

Dr. Linda: We just have to get through tonight. We can do it.

(Maze sighs)

Dr. Linda: So, Todd. Any hobbies?

Todd: I make my own toothpaste.

Lucifer: (to Tristan) Where were you two nights ago?

Tristan: Uh…

Lucifer: Come on, Tristan.

Tristan: I can’t remember.

Lucifer: (stepping in closer) Well, try.

Tristan: (Chuckles nervously) I told you, man, I don’t, I don’t remember where I was.

(Lucifer grabs Tristan by the lapels and holds him halfway inside a photo booth.)

Tristan: Oh!

Lucifer: Tell me the truth now.

Tristan: (scared) Okay. A couple nights ago, we all broke into the school pool. You know, just a little party before the party, you know?

Lucifer: Well, why is that a secret?

Tristan: Because we didn’t invite everyone. Well, you, for instance.

Lucifer: What?

Tristan: I’m sorry, man. If we knew how cool you had gotten, we totally would’ve invited you.

Lucifer: So what you’re saying is you all have the same alibi? (Groans. Let’s Tristan go.) Wasting our time here. (Pants) Where’s the detective?

Max: I dig you, Chloe.

Max: You… you’re different. Too bad you didn’t go to high school with us.

Chloe: Yeah. That would have been great.

Max: Yeah.

Chloe: So, you were gonna tell me where you were two nights ago?

Max: (Chuckles. Strokes Chloe’s hair.) Is that really what you want to talk about, hmm?

Chloe: Well, I mean, I would really like to know.

Jessica: Max! What are you doing? Who is that?

Chloe: Uh… We were talking. And what do you care? You cheated on Max with Tristan.

Jessica: That was 15 years ago.

Max: Actually, I am still kind of pissed… about that.

Jessica: Right. I’m sorry I cheated on you, but I only did it because I thought you slept with Emily.

Max: I would never cheat on you, Jessica.

Jessica: I know that now. I read 3001. It showed me how much you really loved me. You know, sometimes I think about getting back together.

Chloe: Mmm.

Max: Me, too.

Chloe: (moved) Oh.

Emily: What’s going on here? Max, I thought it was gonna be just us. I’m not really down for a four-way.

Lucifer: Make that five. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m not down, either.

Jessica: Oh. (She slaps Max in the face.) So you were sleeping with Emily…

Chloe: Oh.

Jessica: Weren’t you? And then you bring this rando in here, too?

Chloe: I’m not a “rando.”

Max: I-I just met this rando.

(They start arguing and talking over each other.)

Jessica: We are never… getting back together.

Emily: Hey. You didn’t tell her about us?

Max: Jessica, I…

Jessica: Us?

Emily: Yes, us.

Jessica: That’s what you said.

Max: I never said…

Emily: Oh, really, Max?

Max: Anything like that to you.

Lucifer: (Yelling to be heard.) Detective! None of these people k*lled Kathleen.

Chloe: What?

Jessica: “k*lled”?

Emily: What?

Max: “Detective”?

Lucifer: I have discovered that they all have the same alibi. They broke onto the campus two nights ago and had a party by the pool. Didn’t you? Hmm? So, Kathleen’s k*ller, not here. Look at me, being the responsible one.

Chloe: So that’s why you were all acting so strangely.

Max: Yeah. Sorry we didn’t invite you, Todd, but, uh… you’re not mad, right? You were hanging out with Kathleen anyway.

Chloe: What? Todd was hanging out with Kathleen two nights ago?

Max: Yeah, it’s what he said in the e-mail.

Lucifer: I did? I…

Max: What? He was an awesome math tutor, and now he helps me with my taxes.

Lucifer: (Looks at his Todd name tag.) Detective. I think I’m the k*ller.

(Siren wailing, Chloe drives fast through city streets while Lucifer checks his phone.)

Lucifer: Apparently, Maze took Todd to a steakhouse in Hollywood. It is an odd place for a kidnapping, even for Maze.

Chloe: And what motive would Todd have to k*ll Kathleen? He’s not even in the books.

Lucifer: Well, exactly. Odd-bod Todd’s probably tired of being left out.

Chloe: Oh, right, should have thought of that.

Lucifer: Yes, you should have, but someone was making the case all about themselves. Slightly unprofessional, but I forgive you, Detective.

Chloe: I know. I can’t believe I let myself get so wrapped up in all of that. Think I was just trying to make up for all the fun, teenage drama that I missed out on, you know? I didn’t even get to go to my own prom. It’s ridiculous, I know.

Lucifer: (seriously) No, it’s not.

(Engine revs)

Todd: And that’s the best way to clean out an abscessed tooth.

Dr. Linda: How delightful.

Maze: I am so glad we did this. I have missed you guys. (Chuckles) I mean… (Inhales sharply. Put her arm around Amenadiel and touches him sensually.) (Sighs) what’s not to miss, right? Mmm. Mmm.

Dr. Linda: (She can’t take this anymore.) Okay, stop. Uh, that’s inappropriate. (Quietly) We’re in a restaurant, Maze.

Maze: Who cares?

Dr. Linda: I care. I mean, I’m just… it ju… it just makes me uncomfortable.

Maze: Oh, it does? Well, does this make you uncomfortable, too?

(Maze licks Amenadiel up the side of his face. Amenadiel grimaces. )

Amenadiel: (Groans) Maze! Maze! Why are you acting like this?

Dr. Linda: Because she knows. You know, don’t you?

(Maze angrily pushes Amenadiel away.)

Dr. Linda: And you’re torturing us. That is so incredibly mean.

Maze: I’m the one who’s mean? You’re the ones who’ve been running around, lying to me about this fling for weeks.

Dr. Linda: Of course we lied, Maze. Look at you. You have a tendency to overreact.

Maze: I do not… (Plunges a dagger into the table top.) overreact.

Amenadiel: Maze. Can we just calm down here?

Maze: No! No. I will not take orders from some pathetic daddy’s boy. Tell me, Amenadiel. Is this the divine purpose your Father sent you here for? So you can bang some… selfish human?

Dr. Linda: Selfish? Selfish? All I do is listen to your problems! Everyone’s problems! So, yeah, for once, I put myself first and did what makes me happy. So, sue me. Or t*rture me. Or better yet, why don’t you just skewer me with one of your knives? But before you do, know that this wasn’t some fling, that what Amenadiel and I found was completely unexpected, but 100% real.

Maze: (Inhales sharply) But you were my friend.

(Maze looks like she is about to cry. She gets up and rushes away just as Lucifer and Chloe arrive. Maze brushes past them without saying anything.)

Lucifer:

Maze?

(Todd stands up absentmindedly holding steak knives in his hand as if he were going to steal them. Chloe draws her g*n.)

Chloe: LAPD, drop the weapons.

(Todd drops the knives and puts his hands up.)

(Todd is in cuffs sitting at the table.)

Todd: Yes, I indeed visited Kathleen two nights ago.

Chloe: The night she was m*rder*d.

Todd: Kathleen was m*rder*d? Oh, my. And y-you think I did it. (Sighs) Of course you do. The weirdo. The outcast. (Sighs) I’m used to people judging this book by its cover. That’s why I swore off social media. I still don’t even know how Kathleen tracked me down.

Chloe: Kathleen tracked you down?

Todd: She wanted to discuss the final installment of her series with me.

Lucifer: Well, why would she talk about that with you? You’re not even in the books.

Todd: Yeah. I was surprised, too. Turns out, not only was she going to include me in the final book, she was making me the hero.

Lucifer: Wait, h-hold on, does that mean she let you read the book?

Todd: Uh, no. She didn’t want me to read it yet. Kathleen was waiting for the reunion. She was excited about finishing it in time to show everyone there.

Lucifer: So you have no idea what’s in the afterword?

Todd: The afterword? No. But she did tell me about the story itself. How it had a peaceful, grounded ending. No scandals, no insiders versus outcasts. Just… people finally understanding each other. The way she described it, it… (Sighs) it sounded beautiful.

Lucifer: And boring.

Chloe: And not at all like the action-packed robot ending that the editor told us about.

Lucifer: I smell a new theory brewing.

Chloe: I got to go make a phone call.

(Chloe is making a phone call.)

Chloe: Mr. Green. Hi, uh, Detective Decker, LAPD.

Vincent: Detective, how can I help you?

Chloe: Um, I was just wondering, did Kathleen ever talk to you about working with a ghostwriter?

Vincent: A ghostwriter? No, wish she had. Maybe she would have finished the book sooner.

Chloe: Oh, I see. So-so, she never mentioned a-a fan-fic writer named Ashley Collins? He’s a-a manager at an ice cream shop. I think the name’s Scoop Science.

Vincent: Actually, yeah, Kathleen did mention some sort of overeager fan who invented some special flavor for her. Kind of creeped her out. Wh-Why are you asking? Is this Ashley a suspect?

Chloe: Oh, well, I can’t divulge any of that information at this time. But you’ve been incredibly helpful, Mr. Green. Thank you.

(She hangs up the phone.)

Chloe: (to Lucifer) You in the mood for some ice cream?

(A man in a white lab coat to making ice cream on a counter. Behind him, Vincent approaches with a g*n pointed at the man. The man turns and we see it is Lucifer.)

Lucifer: Hello, Vincent. Looking for Ashley? Sorry to disappoint. (He takes off the white lab coat.)

Vincent: What are you doing here?

Chloe: Drop the g*n. You’re under arrest for the m*rder of Kathleen Pike.

Lucifer: You lied to us, Vincent.

Chloe: I called Ashley. He confirmed that the robot ending was his version and not Kathleen’s.

Vincent: Th-That means nothing.

Chloe: But it is suspicious. So I looked at traffic footage. You went to Kathleen’s house the night of the m*rder.

Lucifer: But, Detective, didn’t he tell us he didn’t go over there till the next morning?

Vincent: Fine. Yes, I was at Kathleen’s that night. If you had waited five years for that damn book like I did, you wouldn’t want to wait another second for it either.

Chloe: But once you got it, you didn’t like what you read, did you?

Vincent: I was horrified. She ended the series in the most boring way possible.

Lucifer: And you were worried about the sales.

Vincent: We’d lose millions without the right ending. Ashley’s.

Chloe: So you and Kathleen argued over which one to use.

Vincent: She refused to use the good version. So, yeah, I threw her stupid typewriter at her.

Chloe: But even with Kathleen gone, you knew that you couldn’t publish Ashley’s ending as hers. So you came here to tie up the one loose end.

Lucifer: Now, tell me, Vincent… Kathleen’s manuscript, where is it?

Vincent: I don’t have it. I destroyed it.

Lucifer: You did what?

(In one swift move, Lucifer knocks the g*n from Vincent’s hand, grabs him by the lapels and pushes him back into a counter.)

Vincent: I couldn’t let anybody read that pathetic joke of an ending!

Lucifer: But I needed to read the afterword so I could fix my problem, and now you’re saying it’s gone?!

Chloe: Lucifer, back off.

Lucifer: What did it say?

Vincent: The afterword?

Lucifer: Yes! How did she fix her block?

Vincent: I don’t know! She said inspiration came when she realized she couldn’t go back and change what she’d done.

Lucifer: (enraged) Well, that doesn’t help me at all!

Chloe: Lucifer, stop!

Lucifer: Now I’m never gonna figure out how to…

(Chloe aims at one of the hoses and fires. Liquid nitrogen bursts out, startling the two men and sending them in opposite directions. Chloe handcuffs Vincent.)

Chloe: (to Lucifer) Are you okay?

Lucifer: No, Detective. Far from it.

(Dr. Linda and Amenadiel sit on the bench but are not sitting close to each other.)

Dr. Linda: Remind me to never go on another blind date ever again.

Amenadiel: Mm-mm. Oh, I don’t know, I thought you and Todd really made a connection.

Dr. Linda: (Chuckles softly) Okay, so I’ve been thinking.

Amenadiel: Yeah.

Dr. Linda: A lot.

Dr. Linda: Pretty crazy what Maze did.

Amenadiel: I’ll say.

Dr. Linda: But she was right. We never should have lied to her. And I never should have lied to myself.

Amenadiel: Yourself? What do you mean?

Dr. Linda: As much as I tried to tell myself otherwise, I knew what we were doing was going to hurt her. And I did it anyway. / That’s how much I wanted to be with you, Amenadiel. Look, you’ve made me happier than I’ve been in a long, long time. But… I was being selfish. Maze is my friend. (Sighs) I can’t be with you anymore. Not when it does this to her.

Amenadiel: You know, it’s not fair for her to take this away from us.

Dr. Linda: I know. I don’t expect you to understand.

Dr. Linda: But I don’t want to be that kind of person. It’s just not who I am.

Amenadiel: Actually, I do understand.

Dr. Linda: Um…

Amenadiel: I may have strayed from who I am as well.

(Sighs deeply)

Dr. Linda: So I guess this is it.

Amenadiel: I guess so.

(They are both sad, but resolved.)

(LUX is closed. The room is mostly dark. Lucifer is sitting at the bar having a drink. Chloe comes down the stairs.)

Chloe: Lucifer! I’m here. You wanted to see me?

Lucifer: Yes, I wanted to check on you. That you were back to being the good detective.

Chloe: “The good detective”?

Lucifer: Mm. Well, I like our partnership much better when you do all the work and I’m the fun, irresponsible one.

Chloe: Oh. Yeah. I did get a little carried away at that reunion.

Lucifer: Just a smidge.

(Both chuckle softly)

Chloe: Y-You know, it made me realize something. (Sighs) All of that high school drama that I missed out on… The-the girly gossip, the hallway crushes, all those school dances… That’s just not who I am. I… I like being the responsible adult.

Lucifer: Right. So you no longer desire any of that high school poppycock?

Chloe: (Sighs) No.

Lucifer: Well then… (He leans over the bar to get something.) (Clears throat) I guess you won’t be wanting this.

(It’s a white flower which he carefully pins on the shoulder of her sweater.)

Lucifer: Detective… will you go to the prom with me?

(He holds out his hand. She take it. Lucifer leads Chloe to the dance floor. He clicks a remote control and music and lights start. They begin to slow dance.)

Chloe: I can’t believe you did this.

(Lucifer dips her.)

Chloe: Thank you, Lucifer.

Lucifer: I’m just glad you got what you needed.

Chloe: But you, you never found that inspiration that you were looking for. Are you ever gonna tell me what it is you were trying to solve?

Lucifer: Uh, it’s-it’s complicated.

Chloe: Well, tell me anyhow?

Lucifer: Very well. A long time ago, dear old Dad put a curse on a… well, a friend of mine. And I want to break that curse, show my Father He’s not as powerful as He thinks, that He can’t control him. Or me.

Chloe: Well, crazy metaphor aside, can I offer some advice?

Lucifer: (Chuckles) Oh… please.

Chloe: If I’ve learned anything from this experience, it’s that it’s better to move forward than stay stuck in the past. It’s just like Kathleen realized. We can’t rewrite history.

(Inspiration strikes.)

Lucifer: You can’t. But maybe I can. (Laughs) Detective, you’re a genius.

Chloe: Thanks?

Lucifer: You’ve just given me my idea. All I need to do is go back and undo the reason it exists in the first place.

Chloe: Oh.

Lucifer: (Laughs) Thank you.