S3 Ep08: Chloe Does Lucifer

Lucifer: Mm, this is a new one on me, Detective.

Chloe: Mm, mm, well, there’s a first time for everything.

Lucifer: Yes, but I’ve heard it can take hours. I’m not sure even I have the endurance for that.

Chloe: Mm…

Trixie: Don’t worry, I’ll help you. I’ll be the top hat.

Chloe: I will be the race car, because I’m gonna leave you both in the dust.

Lucifer: (laughs) Very funny. Uh, wheelbarrow, shoe, ah… Guess I’m gonna have to be the shot glass. Cheers.

Chloe: Oh, that’s a thimble.

Lucifer: What? What? I want to conquer real estate, not mend socks.

Trixie: So then be the shoe.

Lucifer: Please, I am not a shoe. Clearly, I’m a top hat, so come on, hand it over.

Trixie: Want it? It’s gonna cost you.

Lucifer: Oh, well, name your price, urchin.

Trixie: Oh, I’m not talking fake money.

Chloe: Oh, wow, she slammed you. (chuckles)

(elevator bell chimes. Lucifer enters his penthouse, loud music and flashing lights, but no people. He grabs a remote control and with one click turns the lights and music off. A voice speaks from up on the balcony.)

Amenadiel: Imagine my disappointment when I realized there was no raging party.

Lucifer: It’s a security thing. Worked for that Home Alone kid, but, obviously, you can’t take a hint. Wasn’t I being clear last time I kicked you out?

Amenadiel: (walking down the stairs to the main room) Oh, clearly being a jerk. Which is exactly why I came to look in on you.

(Lucifer pours himself a drink.)

Amenadiel: You see, we need the most love when we’re being most unlovable.

Lucifer: No offense, Brother, but I don’t need love from you. I get plenty from naked strangers. And speaking of, I’m spent. So, if you don’t mind…

Amenadiel: That’s where you’ve been, then, having sex with the nameless masses?

Lucifer: Oh, you know me, Brother, wine, women, and song. Just come on, run along. I don’t need a babysitter.

Amenadiel: Your cheek says otherwise.

Lucifer: Well, it turns out “Bruce Lee mid-fly kick” wasn’t in the artist’s repertoire.

(Amenadiel laughing)

Lucifer: Look, I had to cut a deal with the detective’s offspring.

Amenadiel: So that’s who you were with… Chloe and Trixie. Well, so much for wine, women and song.

Lucifer: Technically, all of those things were represented when you count the post-game karaoke.

Amenadiel: Luci, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with… with enjoying a quiet night in.

Lucifer: I did not say that I enjoyed it.

Amenadiel: Yeah, right. Honestly, Luci, who cares how you spend your nights?

Lucifer: Um, everyone. My exciting lifestyle gives regular people something to aspire to… I provide hope.

Amenadiel: I see. And how does Linda feel about this little ruse of yours?

Lucifer: I’m sure that the doctor would love to dissect me, but she’s taken some time off to deal with a death in the family, so…

Amenadiel: I had no idea. I should go check on her.

(Amenadiel walks toward the elevator.)

Lucifer: Yes, excellent idea. You do that.

Amenadiel: Luci, I’m liking this new you. Boring suits you, Brother.

(camera shutter clicking)

Lucifer: Now, this poor victim, she is boring.

Chloe: We don’t know anything about her.

Lucifer: Oh, don’t we? Generic artwork, dull clothes, beige furniture. I mean, even her fruit bowl’s so tragically safe… No mangoes, no papayas. Not even a measly avocado.

Dan: Her name’s Kim Jones, 29. She’s a computer engineer. We ran a full background check, but we couldn’t find anything noteworthy.

Ella: A fellow nerd. I’m sure you’re in a better place now.

Lucifer: Well, even if she’s in the worst place, it’d be far more interesting than this, because this poor lady, definitely a shoe.

Dan: Any idea what he’s talking about?

Chloe: Oh, the other night we played Monopoly. So, that’s that story. Ella, what’s the cause of death?

Ella: Uh, BABFT.

Chloe: Hmm?

Ella: Big-a*s blunt force trauma to the head. m*rder weapon’s missing, but we are looking for something small and compact. Surprisingly heavy for its size. Kind of like my Aunt Rosalita.

Lucifer: I wish Amenadiel were here so he could see what boring actually looks like. Can you believe that he said I’ve become boring? It’s absurd.

Dan: Oh, I don’t know. Monopoly doesn’t really sound like the old Lucifer. And I have to say, you have become a bit more normal.

Lucifer: How dare you!

Chloe: Crazy idea. Let’s talk less about Lucifer and more about the m*rder.

Ella: Crime-scene selfies? Really? Classy move.

(We now see the victim’s roommate is taking a selfie.)

Dan: And that is Esther, our victim’s roommate. She found the body when she came home from partying.

Lucifer: Well, what’s such a dynamic young lady doing living with a… Kim? Oh, never mind, she looks traumatized. I’ll go comfort her. Uh-huh.

Chloe: Excuse me. Excuse me.

Lucifer: Hel…

Chloe: No photos at a crime scene.

Ester: Sorry. Not even one last one with the handsome cop?

Lucifer: (chuckles) Don’t let the boring detective spoil things. It would be my pleasure. (Ester hands Lucifer her phone.) Right.

(Ester walks over to Dan and puts an arm around him, and he does the same to her.)

Dan: Oh. (chuckles) Bless your heart.

Lucifer: Obviously, I’m far too well-dressed to be a cop.

(Chloe takes the phone from Lucifer before he can take a photo.)

Chloe: So, I take it that you aren’t close with your roommate?

Ester: No, I don’t spend much time here. Obviously. Besides, me and Kim, totally different squads. Kim followed more people than followed her, if you know what I mean.

Lucifer: Hashtag Shoe.

Chloe: Can you think of anyone who would want her dead?

Ester: I don’t think anyone wanted much of anything from Kim.

Chloe: Okay, well, there was no break-in, there was no struggle, which likely means that Kim knew the k*ller. So, can you think of anything? A recent breakup, a fight?

Ester: She did get into a yelling match on the phone last night. Oh. But I assume that was with the Thai delivery place.

Lucifer: And I assume that’s the poor dear’s closest relationship?

Chloe: What time was the… the argument?

Ester: I’ll tell you if you hand me my phone back. I was getting ready to go out, and I totally remember the pic I was uploading at the time. (Chloe gives Ester her phone. Ester scrolls through photos.) There, Kombucha martini. 10:39 p.m.

Chloe: All right, I’ll trace Kim’s phone call at that time.

Ester: You guys mind if I post that I’m totes helping a police investigation?

Lucifer: Absolutely. Do you mind tagging me?

(Lucifer and Chloe ascend the stairs.)

Chloe: Ella traced Kim’s call to this business.

Lucifer: Top Meet. Interesting name for a Thai restaurant.

Chloe: No, it’s a dating app for L.A.’s most fabulous singles. Super exclusive. Seems you need to get recommended and meet a bunch of selection criteria, even go through an interview just to create an account.

Lucifer: Well, then, why would our victim be arguing with someone here? I mean, this is clearly a place for top hats, like us.

Chloe: Please, I would never get into something like this.

Lucifer: Eh, you’re right. What was I thinking? It’s way too exciting for you, Detective… I meant me. (They walk up to a monitor showing a photo of the owner of Top Meet) And him. Gosh, kindred souls. This interesting young fellow and I, wouldn’t you say?

Chloe: Except that, apparently, he’s slightly more interesting than you.

Lucifer: Well, journalistic hyperbole, clearly.

Mack: Eh… Can I help you?

Lucifer: Oh.

Mack: Mack Slater. I’m the CEO. If you are here for the selection interview, I’ll spare you. I created Top Meet for people exactly like you.

Lucifer: Oh, well, thank you very much.

Mack: I’m actually… I was talking to the lady. You’re exactly my type. I mean the app’s type.

Lucifer: Bit on the nose there, Big Mack.

Chloe: We’re here for a different kind of interview. There’s been a m*rder, and our victim’s last call was to someone in this building.

Mack: A homicide detective, huh?

(phone rings)

Chloe: Uh-huh.

Mack: Wow. You just got even more interesting.

Chloe: Funny, so did you. Just found out who our victim was fighting with… you.

Lucifer: Ah. Most interesting bachelor, indeed.

(Chloe and Lucifer interview Mack.)

Chloe: If you didn’t know her, then how did you fight with her?

Mack: ‘Cause she was nuts.

Chloe: I’m confused; you just said you didn’t know her.

Mack: I know her type. We get them from time to time. They want to be on Top Meet, they can’t clear our high bar, and then they get pissed about it. Problem with her was she just wouldn’t take no for an answer. And then, uh, she hacked her way onto my app, and then our users complained, of course. Because nobody joins Top Meet to hook up with some… random nobody, and so we had to kick her off.

Chloe: Okay, and is that when she got angry and called to complain?

Mack: (laughs) No, it was more like she went psycho.

Lucifer: Ah, well, boring people never like to be told they’re dull. Right, Detective?

Chloe: What did you do after the call?

Mack: I stayed here; I worked late. We’ve been busy as hell these days.

Lucifer: Not nearly, I can assure you.

Chloe: Well, I’d like to talk to anyone who can corroborate your alibi. Also, I’ll need a list of any of the users that complained about Kim.

Mack: No can do. With so many celebrity clients, our entire business model is based off our ironclad privacy protocols.

Chloe: Fine, I’ll just get a warrant.

Mack: Good luck with that. I mean, how long did it take the FBI to hack one cell phone?

(Ella enters carrying boxes and talking on her phone.)

Ella: Yep, I’ll have the tech team get on it. You got it, Chloe. (She is startled to find someone already in the lab.) Ah!

(An evidence bag Ella was carrying drops on the floor. Charlotte picks it up.)

Charlotte: Hello, Ms. Lopez.

(The evidence is a large knife that Charlotte is unknowingly pointing at Ella as Charlotte steps towards her. Ella is afraid.)

Charlotte: I wanted to ask you something. You know this darkness that you say you see in me? Mm-hmm. I’ve been trying to address it, and, uh, details would help. So, where do you see it, exactly? How? When?

Ella: Like, now. Right about there. (Indicating the knife Charlotte is holding.)

Charlotte: Oh. (Realizing what she is doing, she puts the knife on the table.) Hmm.

Ella: Little better? But you know, still, you don’t exactly scream rainbows and sunshine, even when you’re not wielding m*rder weapons.

Charlotte: Well, for the record, I wouldn’t stab you, not here, with all these cops around. Oh, come on, that was funny.

Ella: Oh, yeah. Ha, ha. Funny. Also dark.

Charlotte: Right. Fair point.

Ella: But it’s cool. You know, being dark. To each their own, you know?

Charlotte: Wow, you really have this “being good” thing down.

Ella: Huh?

Charlotte: You know, you might be just the person to guide me.

Ella: To where?

Charlotte: Somewhere other than Hell. See, I’ve, um, I’ve learned that there are consequences to my darkness. Really permanent ones, as it turns out. And I was thinking you could help me avoid them?

Ella: No way, José. I mean, I wish I could help you, I do, but I’m so busy.

Charlotte: With what?

Ella: You know.Cases, forensic stuff. The lieutenant won’t be back from medical leave until next week, so it’s, like, cray-cray up in here.

(Dan enters the lab through the back door, sees Charlotte and immediately turns to leave.)

Ella: Oh, hey, Dan. I bet you need me to go do that thing, huh? That super urgent forensic thing. Yeah, yeah. See? Cray-cray.

Dan: Well… I’m just gonna…

Charlotte: I was…

Dan: Yeah. Bye. (grunts) Excuse me.

(Dr. Linda is on the phone speaking intensely to someone.)

Dr. Linda: You know, you’re exposing yourself to dreadful consequences. And I’m not talking bad Yelp reviews; I’m talking Hell.

(In the hallway, Amenadiel is walking toward her office and overhearing what she is saying.)

Dr. Linda: Turns out, Real. (laughing) I know. I know, right? Shocker to me, too. But not as much as your dancing queen candle arrangements! (She slams down the phone receiver.)

Amenadiel: Hey, Linda. Is everything okay?

Dr. Linda: Amenadiel, hi. I’m so glad you’re here. I’m trying to plan my ex-husband’s memorial, and I could really use another opinion. Um, okay. (She gathers two different urns into her arms and goes towards him.) So, which one do you like best? Just, knee-jerk reaction. Go.

Amenadiel: That one?

Dr. Linda: Really? Really? You don’t think it’s too ornate?

Amenadiel: That one.

Dr. Linda: You’re right. This one’s simple, yet elegant. See, you’re just the insight I needed. Busy tomorrow?

(Ella, Dan, Lucifer, and Chloe are looking at a monitor and discussing the case.)

Lucifer: That looks absolutely nothing like our victim. Take note, Daniel. These filters could be the answer to your dating drought.

Ella: Or not… I mean, Kim only got one match.

Lucifer: What… really? After all the effort our shoe went through to make herself look like a top hat, she only got the interest of one gentleman?

Chloe: Gentleman? You mean suspect.

Ella: Yep. Username, FOREVER29. The app arranged a date for them, and based on their likes and locations, it suggested a sushi place on Melrose. Even made a reservation for them for the night of the m*rder.

Chloe: This guy’s using the app as a hunting ground; He could be targeting somebody right now. We got to find him.

Dan: Yeah, but how? We can’t even get an I.D.

Ella: Yeah. Tech team hasn’t been able to crack Top Meet’s security algo. Which means Kim had mad hacking skills.

Chloe: So can we use FOREVER29’s profile pic and run it through facial recognition?

Ella: Yeah, I know, I thought about that, but…

(Ella brings the profile up on the monitor and the photo is only of the man’s eyes. Lucifer groans)

Lucifer: Partial profile pics. Such a telltale sign of low self-esteem.

Chloe: Or our guy’s keeping his profile secret because he’s the k*ller.

Ella: Wait a minute, there is some good news, you guys. He used the app to RSVP for a mixer at Top Meet. It’s happening tonight.

Chloe: Okay. We got to get to this party. Use what we know about FOREVER29 and single him out.

Lucifer: Okay, fine. I’ll go. Seeing as I’m the only interesting single person here, I think I’m our one shot to catching the k*ller.

Chloe: Lucifer, we’re looking for a guy.

Lucifer: Your point?

Dan: Uh… He’s a dude. And he’s straight.

Lucifer: Mm-hmm. That’s never stopped me before, Daniel. I’m so good at flipping men, they call me “The Skillet.”

Dan: Oh, wow.

Chloe: Okay. We need a woman, so I’ll go.

Lucifer: What? You, Detective? Socialize and flirt? Come on.

Chloe: Yeah, but for the investigation, I can sacrifice. Can’t be that hard being frivolous and shallow. I’ll just channel my inner Lucifer.

Lucifer: What, you want to become a female version of me? Okay. I’ll gladly train you.

Ella: Chloe does Lucifer?

Chloe: I wouldn’t exactly word it that way…

Lucifer: Get ready to go full me, Detective.

(We open hearing Lucifer’s voice but seeing a male doll as Lucifer tries to teach Chloe to be like him.)

Lucifer: Oh, the Paris shows were glorious. Yes, worth the jetlag alone. How was your weekend?

(We now see a female doll and Chloe’s voice.)

Chloe: Uh, awesome. Great. Uh, Saturday, went camping with my daughter. And, uh, Sunday, did a big Costco run. (laughs) There’s, like, 300 hot dogs in my freezer.

Lucifer: Oh, really? That is so interest… Oh, dear. Look what you did to poor Giancarlo. Dead from boredom. Now, look, you’re going to this Top Meet mixer to hunt down a k*ller, not to talk about your hunt for bulk food bargains.

Chloe: Okay. Sorry I’m not fancy-schmancy enough for Giancarlo.

Lucifer: Okay, let’s get the terminology straight. Not “fancy-schmancy.” Sophisticated.

Chloe: Oh, whatever. Why don’t you just give me some tips on how to blend in with that crowd? Okay?

Lucifer: You think being as fascinating as I am can be boiled down to a few tips? This is not paint by numbers. Goodness me, I need a drink. (Trixie puts a juice box down in front of Lucifer.) Oh. Thank you.

Trixie: I have a tip, Mom. Don’t talk about me.

Lucifer: Mm. Mm! Yes, definitely, no mention of the child. Ugh. And enough with the tips. Why don’t we do a little role-play, hmm? Okay. You be a randy single man, I’ll be… I’ll be the new you.

(Lucifer pretends to be a female with long hair and mimes tossing his hair back with one hand.)

Chloe: Okay, I’ve never once done that.

Lucifer: My point exactly. Meet Lucinda. Come on.

(Trixie is enjoying watching this play out. Chloe does what she thinks is a sophisticated stance but looks awkward.)

Lucifer: Gosh, this is gonna be harder than I thought.

(Ella is upstairs waiting for an elevator. She sighs. She looks down and sees Charlotte walking toward her. Charlotte sees Ella and waves, as if to say she wants to talk.)

Ella: Oh, crap.

(Ella is freaking out. Panting. She frantically hits the elevator button. Elevator bell dings. She can’t get in because many people need to get out. She grunts. She finally gets in, but an older man with a walker slowly gets off. Ella helps him.) Oh. Need some help there, sir? There you go. (Finally in the elevator, she exhales and happily hits the ‘door close’ button. She thinks she’s safe when Charlotte stops the doors from closing and gets in the elevator with her.)

Charlotte: Good news, Ella. I’ve been admitted to the Forensic Shadow Program.

Ella: What is that?

Charlotte: A mentorship program. Which means I will be your student. I am going to stick to you like glue, so I can learn how to be good… at forensics. Stuff comes up constantly in court.

Ella: That’s great.

(They hear a male voice and both look out into the hallway to see an officer approaching and wanting them to wait for him.)

Uni: Hold it, please! (panting)

(Charlotte hits the ‘door close’ button.)

Charlotte: Oh, I don’t think so, buddy. I mean, what am I, Mother Teresa?

(Town car arrives. Lucifer opens the back door, and Chloe steps out dressed for an upscale evening.)

Lucifer: My, my. Detective. You look…

Chloe: Like a female Lucifer? Well, that’s what I was going for.

Lucifer: (chuckles) Well, close enough, but you’re going to need this. Do I really need to wear an ear bug?

Lucifer: Absolutely. From what we know about our k*ller, blue-eyed sushi snob who loves surfing and splooshing, I’d say you’re a bit out of your comfort zone, so you’re going to need to bring Lucinda’s A game.

Chloe: You mean your A game.

Lucifer: Absolutely. Oh, and while we’re at it, do you need a refresher on “splooshing”? It’s very simple. You just cover yourself in…

Chloe: No, no. Stop. I’m good, I’m good. But… oh. Except for…

Lucifer: What, you don’t want to wear it?

Chloe: It’s not… really Lucinda’s style.

Lucifer: (A bit taken aback by Chloe not wanting to wear the bullet necklace he gave her.) Right.

Chloe: Oh. (She takes Lucifer’s pocket square and puts it in her front pocket.) Okay. There. I’m ready.

Lucifer: Yes, you are. Good luck.

Chloe: Thank you.

(cameras clicking)

(Chloe makes her way through the crowd and goes to the bar.)

Chloe: (to bartender) Hi. I’ll get a, uh, IPA, please.

(Lucifer and Dan are in a nearby surveillance van.)

Lucifer: (over bug) No. No, no, no, no, no, no. Not beer. Prosecco.

Chloe: But I hate Prosecco.

Lucifer: Well, tough luck. Lucinda loves it. (laughs) (to Dan) Beer. It’s a good job I’m here.

Dan: Yeah, man. Close call.

Chloe: (clears throat) Possible suspect, moving in.

Lucifer: Right. Whatever he says to you, just laugh.

Man: Hey there. What’s your name?

Chloe: (awkward forced laugh) Lucinda.

Lucifer: No, no… (laughs) Not like a demented witch on crack. A deep, sultry laugh.

Chloe: (laughs) Ha, ha, ha. Ha… I’m sorry. I think I may have had a little too much Prosecco on an empty stomach. I should have had that sushi. Did you try the sushi? Is it good?

Man: No, no. I didn’t. I’m a, I’m a vegan.

Chloe: Oh.

Man: (gets a beer from the bartender) Anyway. You might want to go easy on the bubbles. (he leaves)

Chloe: Ah.

Lucifer: (frustrated sigh)

Dan: Smooth.

Lucifer: Beginner’s bad luck. Look, it’s hard to do justice to my captivating essence, but she’ll get the hang of it. Don’t be such a Debbie Downer, Daniel.

Dan: (quietly) Sorry.

(Chloe is meandering through the crowd looking for someone who may match the eyes on the suspect’s profile picture. She goes up to another man.)

Chloe: Hey.

Man 2: Hey.

Chloe: Hi. You’re really tan. Are you, uh, are you a surfer?

Man 2: Well, I’d sure like to surf in your eyes.

Lucifer: Ugh, dearie me. He’s lucky it’s not a crime to be a cheeseball. Anyway, at least the ice is broken. Now, just make small talk.

Chloe: So I drove up to this meditation retreat in Big Sur last week.

Lucifer: No, no, no! PCH is closed. Say you helicoptered…

Chloe: (Tries to get Lucifer to stop talking.) Shush.

Man 2: Uh, excuse me?

Chloe: Sploosh. I said “sploosh.” Are you into splooshing? (She stirs his cocktail with her finger. Takes an olive and awkwardly rubs it around her face. The man walks away.)

Chloe: (sighs) Time to change tactics. You know what? (Drops the ear bug into a champagne flute.) Enjoy the Prosecco, Lucinda.

Lucifer: I don’t believe this. Ditching protocol mid-sting? Who does that?

Dan: Maybe she’ll do better on her own.

Lucifer: Don’t be ridiculous, Daniel. She’ll flounder without my expert guidance.

Dan: Oh, yeah. Right.

Lucifer: I’m clearly needed on the front lines. You just stay here and do what you do best. Nada.

Dan: (scoffs)

(Back at the party, Chloe is talking to another man.)

Chloe: Oh, I love traveling.

Benji: Oh, yeah?

Chloe: Yeah.

Benji: Any fun plans coming up?

Chloe: Um, well, I… I was thinking of, uh, maybe getting out of the city and taking my daughter camping.

Benji: Cool. I-I love the outdoors.

Chloe: Oh.

Benji: I’m a surfer.

Chloe: Really?

Benji: Goes well with camping.

Chloe: I’ve always wanted to try surfing. But I…

Benji: You should…

(Lucifer interrupts.)

Chloe: Oh, hi, Lucifer. This is Benji. He just had four pieces of sashimi, and we just started talking about surfing.

Lucifer: Oh, lovely. Now, I insist you put your mic back in immediately. We can’t hear a thing in the truck.

Chloe: You are being quite loud.

(Benji runs. Chloe groans)

Chloe: Nice work.

Lucifer: Bloody hell.

(Chloe and Lucifer chase Benji through the crowd and outside, where Dan shows his badge and Benji stops running.)

Woman: Hey, there goes Benji!

Man: Benji, over here!

Dan: Whoa.

Benji: You have to save me from them.

Dan: Uh, yeah. They’re with me. (to Lucifer) Not bad for nada, huh? (chuckles)

Benji: Wait, she’s a cop?

Chloe: Detective Decker, LAPD. We want to talk to you about a m*rder.

Man: Benji, you’re the best, bro!

Benji: You’re not paparazzi?

Chloe: What?

Benji: Oh, thank God.

Lucifer: I mean, the things Dad gets credit for.

(Benji is looking at a photo of Kim.)

Benji: Yep, that’s her. Yeah, I went on a date with her. Just the other night. Still can’t believe she’s, uh… she’s dead.

Lucifer: Oh? Did you think she’d survive you murdering her?

Benji: I told you, I’m innocent.

Lucifer: Well, you’re an overpaid DJ, so that’s up for debate.

Chloe: It seems you were the last person to see Kim alive.

Benji: I couldn’t have been. When I dropped her off after our date, her roommate was still there.

Chloe: How do you know that?

Benji: Because that’s the reason I didn’t go upstairs like Kim suggested. I was trying to avoid Esther.

Lucifer: What, kombucha martini girl?

Chloe: Do you know her roommate?

Benji: To the extent that you can know someone who’s glued to her phone and talks in hashtags.

Lucifer: (scoffs)

Chloe: How did you two meet?

Benji: We matched on the Top Meet app a few weeks ago. Went on two exhausting dates.

Chloe: Then why go on the second date?

Benji: Because I wanted to see Kim again. I met her at the apartment when I picked up Esther for our first date. She wasn’t there the second time. So you can imagine how stoked I was when she popped up on the Top Meet app.

Lucifer: No. I can’t, actually. You’re saying that you used a top hat to get to a shoe? He must be lying, Detective.

Benji: I’m not lying. I really liked Kim. She was different than all the other women on the app.

Lucifer: What, different as in duller, more mundane and dressed for less?

Benji: No, as in she didn’t make me feel like I had to be on all the time. With her, I could… I could just be myself.

Lucifer: Interesting.

Chloe: Thanks.

(Chloe clears throat. She and Lucifer stand and move away from Benji and speak in hushed tones.)

Chloe: What if Esther found out about Benji and Kim? Got jealous, lost control…

(Lucifer looking at pictures of Ester.)

Lucifer: This goddess, jealous of the plain Jane? It’s-it’s ludicrous! It’s like me being jealous of that paper clip. Or Daniel. I mean, not to mention Esther is far too busy for m*rder, Detective. Look. She flew to Florence last week just ’cause she fancied eating some gelato.

Chloe: She went on a plane to get ice cream?

Lucifer: Well, when you say it in English, it sounds silly. Oh. Hello. Look at that belfie. (chuckles) Bet you could bounce a quarter off that derrière. (He continues to scroll through photos of Ester on a tablet.) Oh. Yeah…

Chloe: Wait, uh, go back. There.

Lucifer: What?

Chloe: Something small and compact and surprisingly heavy for its size.

Lucifer: Well, what’s Miss Lopez’s Aunt Rosalita got to do with anything?

Chloe: Look. The dumbbell. It wasn’t at the crime scene. It matches the bruises on the victim, it’s a weapon of convenience, and it fits the crime of passion scenario.

Lucifer: Doesn’t mean Esther was the one to wield it, though.

Chloe: If my theory of jealousy is right, she was.

Lucifer: Trust me, Detective, there’s no way that Esther has ever used a weight… I refer once again to her naturally sublime derrière.

(Chloe and Lucifer leave. We now see Ella hiding behind a wall, peeking around the corner, then scurrying to her lab, going inside, shutting the door, and looking through the blinds on the door window, hoping she has lost Charlotte.)

Ella: (she sees Charlotte approaching and says quietly to herself) Oh, crap.

(Charlotte comes into the lab and finds Ella hiding behind a table.)

Charlotte: You’re avoiding me, aren’t you?

Ella: Don’t be crazy. No. I just… You know, like my floors spotless. An evidence lab can never be too clean. And that is your Forensic Lesson of the Day. More next week?

Charlotte: Why don’t you want to mentor me?

Ella: It’s not that I don’t want to, okay? I just don’t have the time.

Charlotte: Well, I’ve been watching you. You have plenty of time. You just waste it chitchatting.

Ella: You mean socializing? Connecting with people isn’t a waste.

Charlotte: Okay. Let’s be honest here. You don’t really care about anyone’s kids or whatever. I mean, you’re faking it, right? Just tell me, how do you keep your eyes from glazing over?

Ella: There is no Forensic Shadow Program, is there? Even if I had been tempted to help… And I’m not saying that I had… Now that I know you lied? Poof! Temptation officially gone.

(Ella opens the door and motions Charlotte to leave, which she does.)

(Dr. Linda is telling Amenadiel about the memorial she is planning for her ex-husband, Reese.)

Dr. Linda: Okay, so I’m thinking… Big band over here and two long, two long buffet tables over here… or should we do three?

Amenadiel: Well, it depends. How many people are coming?

Dr. Linda: Uh, just 350.

Amenadiel: 350? Wow. I didn’t realize how much you still cared about Reese.

Dr. Linda: Of course I do! I’m heartbroken about his death. Distraught, really. Can barely function. Okay, okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay, I’m functioning perfectly. I only feel terrible that I don’t feel terrible about his death.

Amenadiel: Okay, so all of this is just a…

Dr. Linda: A pathetic attempt to cover up the fact that I can’t stop thinking about me. Me, me. Me and my own brush with death.

Amenadiel: I understand, Linda. I mean…

Dr. Linda: How could you possibly understand what it’s like to be rotisseried by the, by the goddess of all creation? Dealing with mortality was so much easier when I was just another clueless idiot. Being a celestial insider… really sucks. I used to walk around thinking maybe reincarnation was real. Sure, it sounded bonkers, but I could still wonder, still hope. What if I came back as a chameleon or something? Chameleons are cool. But now I know that’s never happening, because I know, you know, everything, including where I’m headed when… when this is over.

Amenadiel: And where is that?

Dr. Linda: Where do you think? I wish I’d never met any of you.

Chloe: So we wanted to, uh, ask you a few… Would you want to put on a shirt, or anything to cover… your body?

Ester: No. Why? Are you cold?

Lucifer: Yes. Would you like my jacket, Detective?

Chloe: No. I am great, thank you.

Lucifer: Right.

Chloe: (Pulls out the photo of Ester with the dumb bell in the background.) So, when was this photo taken?

Ester: Uh, I took that on my way to Tokyo, I think. Sorry. I travel so much, it’s hard to keep track.

Lucifer: (laughs)

Chloe: It’s actually something else that we’re trying to track down. This pink dumbbell here? It went missing the night of Kim’s m*rder. Any idea where it went?

Ester: Nope. It’s not mine. I don’t work out.

Lucifer: Ah.

Ester: Everything you see is God-given.

Lucifer: And they say that Dad doesn’t give with both hands.

Chloe: So, the dumbbell. You’re saying that’s Kim’s?

Ester: Yeah. Poor thing tried so hard to be like me.

Chloe: So how did it feel when you realized that Benji preferred Kim to you?

Lucifer: Nuh, uh-uh-uh. Sneaky. Don’t listen to the detective, darling. She’s trying to trick you. You just look into my eyes so we can prove to her that she’s wrong. Now, you’re too sophisticated to care about your boring flatmate’s trifles, aren’t you? Tell me, what is it that you really desire?

(Lucifer uses his power of desire on Ester.)

Ester: I… I…

Lucifer: Yeah.

Ester: …want to… stop posing and lying! It takes so much effort to make these pics look so effortless. It’s exhausting!

Lucifer: Well, so you’re saying it’s just all a facade?

Ester: I don’t even know what that word means! I’m not worldly at all! (She gets up and pulls a roll-up curtain down that has a beach scene on it.) Barbados? More like Bogus. The most exotic place I’ve ever been is the gym’s sauna.

Lucifer: But you said you didn’t work out.

Ester: Of course I do. With real equipment, at a gym, not in my living room.

Chloe: So you’re still saying that the dumbbell is Kim’s?

Ester: Yeah. She tried everything to be part of my glamorous lifestyle. She was even planning on getting surgery once all the money came in.

Chloe: What money?

Ester: I don’t know, but she made it sound life-changing.

(Lucifer and Chloe go to her car.)

Chloe: Maybe the motive for Kim’s m*rder was financial. Maybe she was coming into some inheritance, and someone wasn’t happy about it.

Lucifer: I can’t believe Esther was a fake. I mean, how did I completely misjudge her?

Chloe: Lucifer, are you listening? We need to look into this windfall.

Lucifer: Detective, I think I’ve been spending too much time with you. It’s turned my top hat radar rusty.

Chloe: What?

Lucifer: But no offense, but I think I need to go and hang out with some interesting people before you turn me into a shoe.

(Lucifer walks away from her across the street, leaving her there.)

(seagulls squawking, waves crashing. Amenadiel is lying on the sand staring up at the sky. Dr. Linda comes back, looking a bit embarrassed.)

Dr. Linda: I’m sorry.

Amenadiel: Mm.

Dr. Linda: I don’t regret meeting you. I just… It’s a lot. I’ve calmed down now, so can we go?

Amenadiel: Lie down with me, Linda.

Dr. Linda: On the… on the sand? Oh, okay.

(seagulls squawking)

Amenadiel: Listen, there was a time when I, too, thought that I knew everything. This was… this was back when I was an angel and spent all my time looking down on the world. But, you see, I found that it takes looking up to gain perspective. It’s a good reminder of just how much there is that we don’t know. Linda… if you really think about it… Do you have any fewer questions than you used to? When you didn’t know?

Dr. Linda: I mean, they’re… they’re different questions, but there are just as many, maybe more.

Amenadiel: So you’re still every bit the clueless idiot that you always were?

(both laughing)

Dr. Linda: (sighs) That helps. Still sucks about the chameleon, though.

Amenadiel: (laughs)

Dr. Linda: Thank you.

(seagulls squawking)

(Ella and Chloe are walking towards Chloe’s desk.)

Ella: I can’t find any sign of that windfall. As far as I can tell, there was no money coming Kim’s way.

Chloe: Oh, there’s got to be something.

Charlotte: There is.

Chloe: Charlotte, what are you doing here?

Charlotte: I felt unsettled about lying to you. Um, I thought I could make up for it by making myself useful. So, I overheard you talking about finding a connection between the dead girl and that exclusive dating app. So I did a little digging, and I found one…

Chloe: Well, we’re long past that.

Charlotte: Are you sure? I had to pull some strings to get this. It’s an employment contract between Kim and the owner of the app, Mack something. Drawn up two years ago in total secrecy.

Chloe: But Mack said that he hadn’t met Kim until she called him that night.

Charlotte: Oh, he met her, all right. Kim hired him.

Ella: She hired him?

Chloe: And then hacked his app? It doesn’t make sense.

Ella: Unless… she didn’t hack it. Top Meet’s encryption protocol is impossible to crack.

Chloe: Except to the person who built it.

Ella: Exactly.

Chloe: So, if Kim created Top Meet, then who the hell is Mack?

(Ella puts a file folder of information about Mack on the table.)

Ella: (sighs) Well, no computer whiz, that’s for sure. C-minus student, barely graduated high school.

Chloe: Voted Most Likely to Sleep His Way to the Top.

Ella: And guess what he was doing before Top Meet. Spin instructor.

Chloe: Okay, wh-why would Kim hire him, though, if she’s this genius computer engineer? What does he bring to the equation?

Charlotte: Uh… that. Look at him and then look at her. If both came to you asking for funding for an elite dating app, whose project would you invest in?

Ella: Well, yeah, if you’re being all superfish and whatevs.

Chloe: Which many people are. Maybe Kim felt she wasn’t fancy-schmancy enough, so she hid the fact that she was the creator, and hired pretty boy Mack here to be the facade.

Ella: In secret. Explains why it didn’t come up in the background check.

Chloe: So Kim’s insecurities allowed Mack to take the credit.

Charlotte: And the money.

Ella: Which she wanted to take back. That’s the windfall she was expecting.

Chloe: It’s a strong motive for him to k*ll her.

Ella: Yeah, but didn’t his alibi check out?

Chloe: He could have easily convinced one of his employees to lie for him. It’s a solid theory, but still, it’s just a theory… we need proof.

Ella: (sighs) I really wish we had that murderous dumbbell right about now.

Charlotte: Well, if Mack did it, I think we know where to find it.

Ella: Hmm? We do?

Charlotte: Uh, there’s a good chance the m*rder weapon is at Mack’s place. Seasoned K*llers know to leave it at the scene, but first-timers, they tend to take it with them. I can’t count the times I’ve allegedly helped a client unmake that mistake.

Chloe: Really?

Charlotte: What? I said “allegedly.”

Chloe: We need to get a search warrant for Mack’s place.

Charlotte: Yeah, good luck with that.

Chloe: Excuse me?

Charlotte: Mack’s lawyer will argue that all you have is conjecture based on circumstantial evidence, and any judge will agree. You’re never getting that warrant.

Chloe: Well, then it’s a good thing I am exactly our k*ller’s type.

(Lucifer arrives and knocks on the door. Mack opens the door.)

Lucifer: Mack! I love the place.

Mack: Mr. Morningstar.

Lucifer: How about a gentleman’s weekend in Vegas? I need to scrape the rust off my playboy ways, and you’re just the chap to help this Devil get his groove back. What do you say?

Mack: (chuckles) That sounds fun. Yeah. Uh… but I’m afraid I have a previous engagement.

Lucifer: Oh?

(Lucifer peers into the room to see Chloe standing there holding a champagne flute.)

Chloe: (clears throat)

Lucifer: Some alone time with the detective?

Chloe: Not alone anymore.

Lucifer: Oh, Mack. I suppose we all have our low points. But not to worry, I’ve got a chopper waiting… If we leave now, we can still make the Encore pool party. (chuckles) I’m afraid you’re gonna have to leave, Detective… I’m trying to kick off a Most Interesting Bachelors’ Bacchanalian here.

Chloe: You leave. I’m having fun.

Mack: Something going on between you two?

Lucifer: Absolutely not.

Chloe: Absolutely not.

Mack: I’m gonna grab a beer. Decide for yourselves who gets the pleasure of my company.

Chloe: (chuckles) Okay.

Lucifer: (chuckles) Well, I didn’t have him pegged for your type. I thought you preferred them boring.

Chloe: You think I’m on a date? I am here looking for the m*rder weapon, Lucifer.

Lucifer: What, so now you think Mack’s the k*ller?

Lucifer: (chuckles) You’re just profiling fabulous people, aren’t you? Enough with this crusade against us already.

Chloe: Mack isn’t fabulous. Kim created Top Meet. He stole it.

Lucifer: What? Another phony?

Chloe: Yes.

Lucifer: (sighs) I suppose that explains the self-aggrandizing artwork.

Chloe: Would you just help me find the weapon? Please?

Lucifer: (sighs) Okay, fine, in my experience, it’s, uh, usually in the toilet.

Chloe: Oh, I checked there.

Lucifer: Uh… freezer?

Chloe: It’s not there, either.

Lucifer: Well, the fireplace, then.

Chloe: (sighs) Oh, Lucifer. There’s no way. I mean, could he really be dumb enough to… (clacking) to… Lucifer.

Lucifer: Wha… Ah. Well, I think you put the dumb into dumbbell.

(g*n c*ck)

Mack: Decided against the beer… Because A… carbs, and B… two cops showing up at my house on the same day. Uh, figured that must not be a coincidence. Still think I’m dumb?

Chloe: Basic deduction doesn’t make you a genius, Mack. But then again, you’re used to taking more credit than you deserve.

Lucifer: Yes, Mack… Or should I say… Hack? Waste of a pun. You’re gonna have to spell it out for him, Detective.

Chloe: We know that Kim created Top Meet.

Mack: Oh, yeah? You know she was also gonna destroy it, too? She sneaks onto the site, goes on one good date, and then wants to make the app more accessible. So stupid!

Chloe: What’s stupid about thinking someone deserves to be loved for who they really are? Kim was the brains, Mack. You were just the face.

Mack: Just the face? Kim was Wozniak. I’m Jobs. No one gives a crap about Wozniak.

Lucifer: Oh, please, Mack. What you are is a fraud. Which, unfortunately, makes you boring. And predictable. t(o Chloe) Watch.

(Lucifer picks up a bust sculpture of Mack and starts tossing it around.)

Mack: Put that down.

Lucifer: Or what? You’re gonna blow your own face to smithereens, Mack? It’s quite heavy, isn’t it? At least they got the density right. Ooh! Heads up!

(Lucifer throws the bust high in the air. Without thinking, Mack drops his g*n in order to catch it.)

Chloe: (pointing her g*n at Mack) Nice catch. (to Lucifer) Today interesting enough for you?

Lucifer: Well, beats Monopoly. (Lucifer chuckles)

Lucifer: But in the end, the shoe turned out to be interesting, and the top hat, boring.

Dr. Linda: Right. So you’re gonna embrace your boring side now?

Lucifer: Well, I would, but I have no boring side.

Dr. Linda: Ah.

Lucifer: Even the most trivial of nights takes a turn for the exciting when I’m involved. I just got to throw a man’s own head at him.

Dr. Linda: That sounds… painful.

Lucifer: Oh, don’t worry, he deserved it… For pretending to be something he wasn’t. I mean, people really do waste an awful lot of time trying to be interesting.

Dr. Linda: People. Not you, though.

Lucifer: Oh, no. To me, it just comes effortlessly. All I have to do is just be myself.

Dr. Linda: Hmm.

Lucifer: Mm. But what I really want to know is, how have you been doing?

Dr. Linda: Well… I was in a really dark place. But… someone helped me gain perspective. How’s that saying go? We’re all in the gutter, but some of us are looking up at the stars.

Lucifer: The stars are just gas bags, and I never would have fed Oscar that line had I known how much I’d have to hear people quote it back to me.

Dr. Linda: Oscar freakin’ Wilde?

Lucifer: Mm-hmm.

Dr. Linda: Really?

Lucifer: Now, he was an interesting bachelor.

Dr. Linda: (chuckles)

Lucifer: Anyway, I’m glad to hear that you are doing better. This calls for a celebration.

(Lucifer pours drinks from his flask.)

Dr. Linda: So… Oscar, huh?

Lucifer: Mm.

Dr. Linda: Tell me everything.

Lucifer: (sighs) Well… he was straight when I first met him.

(It’s late and Ella is working in the lab, alone, when Charlotte comes in.)

Ella: (gasps) Oh, God!

Charlotte: That one was all you. I was about to knock. (sighs) There’s… something I need to tell you.

Ella: Funny. There’s actually something I need to tell you, too. Thank you. That contract helped put a k*ller behind bars. You did a good thing.

Charlotte: I stole it.

Ella: Aw, man. Seriously? You know what? It still counts, okay? You did a bad thing. But it was for a good reason.

Charlotte: Really?

Ella: Yes. But only if, in good faith, you try to do it the right way first. Being good takes practice. Okay? So just keep at it, and you’ll get better.

Charlotte: I guess I should take that job, then.

Ella: What job?

Charlotte: I’ve been offered a position in the D.A.’s office to… help put criminals away for a change.

Ella: Yeah, but like you would ever take that pay cut.

Charlotte: Yeah, I know. (sighs) But anyway, um, sometimes there’s more important things… than money.

Ella: Oh, yeah. Yeah, like all the things money can buy.

Charlotte: Too late… You talked me into it.

Ella: I did?

Charlotte: Yes. This job is the perfect place… to practice this “being good” thing. And bonus. I’ll be around here more.

Ella: (chuckles quietly) Yeah. Bonus. (She’s not sure that’s a good thing or not.)

(Chloe and Trixie are playing Monopoly)

Trixie: So, how did Lucinda do, Mom?

Chloe: Uh, she did… okay. Helped us catch the bad guy in the end. Thank you.

Trixie: No, I meant… how did meeting new people at the party go?

Chloe: Oh. Well, um… I actually… had a pretty good time. I mean, but only once I… stopped being Lucinda and started being myself. You know, it can be scary sometimes, but… being who you really are is never a bad idea.

Trixie: Hey, there’s a piece missing.

(Lucifer is playing mellow jazz on the piano. The Monopoly shoe piece is sitting on the piano top.)

Lucifer: (exhales)

(A scantily clad woman wearing a cowboy hat walks over and leans against the archway.)

Woman: Lucifer. Are you coming?

Lucifer: Uh… how about a nice round of Monopoly? Yeah? Little face-painting, maybe? (chuckles) I didn’t think so. Hmm.

(Lucifer grabs his drink from the bar and follows her into the bedroom.)