S3 Ep02: The One with the Baby Carrot

(The elevator doors open, revealing Lucifer and a woman passionately kissing. They move into the main room, still kissing and fondling each other. )

Lucifer: (pointing towards the bedroom) This way.

(The woman dashes in that direction. Lucifer takes off his shirt and arrives in the bedroom bare from the waist up. The woman sits on the edge of the bed facing him, pulls down her loose dress so she is also partially naked. Lucifer looks quite happy with what he sees.)

Lucifer: Ah (sighs and his wings pop out)

Woman: You’re an angel!

Lucifer: (sighs) Oh, gosh. Uh, my apologies. And for the record, I don’t usually suffer from premature unfurling.

(grunts. His wings retract. He chuckles.)

Lucifer: Right. Now, where were we?

Woman: No, keep them out. I’m totally into cosplay. I could dress up as a devil and make it really sexy.

Lucifer: I have no desire to have sex with myself. (he pulls the woman’s dress back up) Not right now, at least.

Woman: Where are you going?

(Lucifer goes to the other room, opens a box on the table, and pulls out one of Maze’s demon blades.)

Lucifer: To do some grooming. (sighs and turns towards the woman) I’d recommend you leave. Now. (The woman leaves clutching her dress around her.) I’m about to engage in a rather gruesome form of manscaping.

Dr. Linda: You cut them off, didn’t you?

Lucifer: I did, yes. But then they grew back, so I cut them off again. It’s like whack-a-mole back there.

(chuckles)

Dr. Linda: I’m worried about you. What you’re describing is self-mutilation.

Lucifer: Doctor, someone is forcing those wings on me. They took away my devil face. And I won’t stand for someone making me something I’m not.

Dr. Linda: Are you any closer to finding out who did this?

Lucifer: Yes. Well, a little. He calls himself “The Sinnerman”. From what I can gather, he’s a criminal mastermind who just moved his operation to Los Angeles, but no one seems to have ever met him, which makes punching him in the face frustratingly difficult.

Dr. Linda: Well, maybe (groans and holds her side)

Lucifer: (concerned) Doctor, are you sure you’re all right to be back at work? I mean, it really hasn’t been that long since Mum flambaded you.

Dr. Linda: Yes. It certainly was a traumatic experience. Fortunately, I’m trained to deal with that sort of thing, and I’m doing just that.

Lucifer: (concerned) And there’s nothing I can do to help?

Dr. Linda: Yes. You can let me get back to you.

Lucifer: (happy to go back to being the center of attention) Oh, if you insist. Oh, I haven’t even told you the worst part, have I? Not only did he stick my wings back on and take my face, but he’s stolen my shtick as well. He gives out favors to people for a price to be named later. Sound familiar?

Dr. Linda: Lucifer, you didn’t invent the idea of giving out favors.

Lucifer: (chuckles and looks at her intently)

Dr. Linda: Yep, forgot who I was talking to. I suppose you did. But you haven’t given out favors in a while.

Lucifer: And the Sinnerman knows it. I think he’s taunting me.

Dr. Linda: Do you think he’s human? Or something else?

Lucifer: I don’t know. But whatever he is, I’m gonna stop at nothing to find him.

Chloe: (She holds an arrest photo of a bearded man.) We found him.

Lucifer: Who? The missing link? Proof of human-rodent copulation.

Chloe: It’s Mike Alonso. The guy that skewered your kidnapper under the pier.

Lucifer: (scoffs) This is clearly not the Sinnerman.

Chloe: Clearly not, since I’m pretty sure that no one with that name actually exists. He had motive, no alibi, and, oh, yeah, he confessed under interrogation. He’s our guy.

Lucifer: Well, then he must be working for the Sinnerman.

Chloe: (shakes her head) You’re not gonna drag me into whatever new weird drama this is. And could you please stop saying “Sinnerman”?

Marcus: Sinnerman. Big Nina Simone fan?

Lucifer: Well, actually, I am. But I was just saying

Chloe: What? Nothing. Nothing. It’s nothing.

Marcus: Are you hiding something from me, Detective?

Chloe: No.

Marcus: I don’t care, I was just asking. New case came in; you’re up. (He hands Chloe a file folder and walks away.)

Chloe: Thank you. (sighs)

Lucifer: Okay. Why did you just stop me telling the new lieutenant we’re on the cusp of the greatest case of our lives?

Chloe: Because the Sinnerman is an urban myth; he doesn’t exist. He’s a boogeyman that criminals use to hide their bad behavior. “Oh, the Sinnerman made me do it.

Lucifer: Yet another thing he’s stolen from me, being blamed for the bad deeds of men. (under his breath) He can keep that one, actually.

Chloe: (scoffs) So the idea of telling our new boss, who I’m just starting to get a rhythm with, that you want to arrest the Easter Bunny doesn’t really thrill me.

Lucifer: I have no intention of arresting anyone. I want to grab him by his neck and see what happens when I squeeze hard enough.

Chloe: If you can bring me any tiny bit of evidence that the Sinnerman actually exists, I will be the first to look into it. But until then, consider this case closed. (She points to the arrest photo of Mike Alonso.) And let’s focus on this case, please. (Pointing at the file Lieutenant Pierce gave her.)

Lucifer: Okay.

(Chloe takes the folder and walks away, leaving Lucifer by her desk. Even though he agreed to drop the Sinnerman case, he’s demeanor says he is not going to.)

Get on My Knees | Brian Deady: Ah, ah, ah Ah-ah, ah, ah, ah-ah Come on I’m gonna handcuff lightning Throw thunder in the ring Won’t slack, won’t turn my back I’ll get on my knees and pray

(train horn blows)

My heart beats strong as rock My blood runs cold and hot My eyes see what you got I’ll get on my knees and pray

(Lucifer and Chloe arrive at the crime scene and meet Dan, who is already working the scene.)

Lucifer: (whistles) Daniel? (said like a girl’s name)

Dan: Guy’s name is JD Woodstock. He lived right around the corner. Neighbors said he was pretty quiet. Unemployed, but we found this on him.

(Dan hands Chloe a notebook)

Chloe: Huh. (quickly scanning the contents) So what are these? Jokes?

Lucifer: A charitable description, Detective. (He takes the notebook and starts reading out loud.) “Avocado? How about avoca-don’t?” Would it be rude to throw tomatoes at a corpse?

Dan: Looks like he was a struggling comedian. We’re trying to figure out if he performed anywhere.

Chloe: What’d he do? Make fun of the wrong person? Get in a fight with an audience member?

Dan: It’s worth exploring, at least. You know, there are a lot of insult comics out there, and not everybody enjoys being mocked. (This last comment is directed at Lucifer.)

Lucifer: Hmm. We should listen to Daniel, actually. He’s got a unique insight into this case.

Chloe: What’s he talking about?

Lucifer: Well, they’re kindred spirits. (Dan starts shaking his head in frustration.) A fellow broken soul who puts the most embarrassing parts of his life on display for his audience for an easy laugh. (Tap Dan on the chest with the back of his hand.)

Dan: He does stand-up, I do improv. They’re completely different things.

Lucifer: Oh.

Dan: Improv is all about “yes, and.” Stand-up, well, that’s about telling jokes.

Lucifer: (Cutting Dan off.) I-I regret starting this entire conversation.

Chloe: Wait. Excuse me, Dan. You do improv? (Dan nods.) How did I not know that? And how did he?

Lucifer: Well, it’s a funny story, actually.

Dan: (Now Dan cuts off Lucifer.) Actually, it’s because I-I don’t tell a lot of people.

Chloe: Why?

Dan: (Sees Ella walking up and changes the subject.) Yeah, hey, Ella. How’s it going? What’d you find?

Ella: Well, no m*rder weapon, but I did find three shell casings. Running ballistics on them now. But, based on the firing pattern, I think this dude was tortured before he finally died.

Lucifer: Oh, well, congratulations, Mr.Woodstock. At least someone cared enough about your jokes to

Ella: Did you just say, Woodstock? As in, JD Woodstock? Yeah.

Chloe: Why? You know him?

Ella: Yeah. He made big news a couple days ago, claiming Bobby Lowe stole his jokes.

Lucifer: And who is Bobby Lowe? A rival comedian who hates himself so much he stole this drivel?

Ella: Uh, no. (Points up at the bridge behind them where there is a large Bobby Lowe billboard.)

Dan: Open your eyes, pal.

Ella: Yeah. JD claimed that Bobby’s show was based on his own material. And that he could prove it. Which is impossible, because Bobby Lowe’s show is all about his life.

Lucifer: Wait, so you’re saying that this giant-headed buffoon stole our poor victim’s ideas? His life’s work and built a business out of it? Mm.

Chloe: So now he’s a “poor victim.

Lucifer: Look, I know you don’t believe me, Detective, but I happen to be going through something quite similar, so if I can’t get my own justice, I’m gonna get it for this poor unfunny soul.

Chloe: Well, I certainly did want you to focus on this case, but be careful what you wish for. At least the lieutenant isn’t here. You know, if you keep saying crazy things around him, (We now see them from a distance through binoculars and hear them over the microphone)… who knows what he might do.

Lucifer: Right. When have I ever cared about that, Detective?

Ella: Ah, that’s true.

(chuckles, indistinct conversation continues over microphone. We now see that Lt. Pierce is spying on them.)

(Lucifer and Chloe are watching a video made by the victim.)

JD: “I sweated over every joke. Worked my a*s off for months. And Bobby stole it all like it was nothing. Created a show based on my jokes! Well, Bobby, guess what? I finally found it. Proof you’re a fraud. And I’m going to show it to the world.”

Lucifer: Well? Which of these boxes do I click on for the proof?

Chloe: None. He posted this video the day before he died. And we can’t find whatever proof he claimed to have had.

Lucifer: So that’s why JD was tortured, so the k*ller could find and destroy it?

Ella: (coughs and says under her breath but loud enough to be heard.) Or he’s a liar.

Chloe: Huh?

Ella: I’m not sure who said that, but I totally agree with them. Bobby Lowe would never do something like that.

Chloe: Why do you say that?

Ella: Because Bobby’s show is so personal. It’s so authentic. There’s no way that you could fake it.

Lucifer: Right. Don’t listen to her. The man is clearly a thief. Let’s go give him a good throttling.

Chloe: I’m leaning towards just talking to him.

Lucifer: And then throttling. I suppose a little foreplay never hurt anyone.

Ella: Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You guys are gonna go talk to him, like, right now this second?

Chloe: Yeah. Why?

Ella: Maybe I should go with. You know, to collect the evidence.

Chloe: Right. Well, if he’s innocent

Lucifer: He’s not innocent.

Chloe: (Knowing that Ella has personal reasons she wants to go, Chloe acts like it’s all about the case. )If he’s innocent, then there won’t be any evidence to collect, so it probably better if you hang here.

Ella: Yeah. I-I see what you’re saying there, but I just think, to be safe, I should collect as much stuff as possible. You know, fingerprints, a lock of hair, an autograph.

Chloe: Right.

Ella: To be safe.

Chloe: (Fake giving in to Ella.) Okay. To be safe.

(Lucifer and Chloe turn and start leaving. Ella high-fives the air and dances around before following them.)

(A crowd is partying at LUX. Amenadiel arrives and finds Dr. Linda drinking at the bar.)

Amenadiel: Hey.

Dr. Linda: Hey. Yeah. (She moves a drink from in front of her towards him.) Thanks for meeting me, Amenadiel. Is there a shorter version of that? Does anyone ever call you “Amen”? (chuckles) Probably not.

Amenadiel: Oh, you would be the first. (He takes a sip of the drink.) (laughs) So, Linda, what’s going on?

Dr. Linda: Um, I just wanted to say thank you. For saving my life.

Amenadiel: Maze is the one who saved your life.

Dr. Linda: And I thanked her so much, I think she’s avoiding me now. But I wouldn’t be here without you, too.

Amenadiel: I didn’t do anything.

Dr. Linda: Other than miraculously slowing down time so that I didn’t bleed to death? Well, other than that. (chuckles)

Amenadiel: How are you really doing, by the way?

Dr. Linda: I’m fine. (Changing the subject.) You have your powers back. That must be exciting.

Amenadiel: Mm. Um, not exactly. They haven’t worked since that day.

Dr. Linda: I’m sorry to hear that.

Amenadiel: Ah, don’t be. I think it’s just my Father testing me again. But this time, Linda, I’m ready.

Dr. Linda: How is He testing you? Do you have to fight someone? Solve advanced math problems?

Amenadiel: Well, if I’m right, there’s something I need to do in the penthouse and, uh, I’ve been avoiding it.

Dr. Linda: Well, you helped me. Why don’t you let me help you with whatever this is? Unless it’s math.

Amenadiel: Oh, it’s not math.

Dr. Linda: Then I’m sure I can handle it.

(Amenadiel looks at her, knowing she doesn’t know what’s coming.)

Dr. Linda: Oh. Severed angel wings in a closet. Of course. Totally handleable.

Amenadiel: My irresponsible brother left them here for any half-drunk human to stumble onto. Proof of the divine just left on the floor like, like used laundry.

Dr. Linda: For some reason, I imagined they just magically disappeared when he cut them off. But this, yeah, this is gruesome.

Amenadiel: Mm-hmm. You know where the garbage bags are?

Dan: Hi, Lieutenant.I just wanted to come by and talk. Kind of feel like we got off on the wrong foot.

Marcus: Pretty sure we’re on exactly the foot I want to be on.

Dan: I’m not a bad guy. And I’m not a dirty cop.

Marcus: So, you didn’t check a g*n out of evidence that was used to commit a crime?

Dan: I mean, yes. At least it wasn’t a homicide, right? Well, it, um (clears throat) – I-I was I just

Marcus: Stop. I was gonna string this along, but it’s already a little too sad for me. I’m actually glad you came in.

Dan: (sighs) Really?

Marcus: I want all the intel that you gathered on Lucifer.

Dan: Why would I have any intel on Lucifer?

Marcus: Because when he first started working with Decker, you were still married to her. And I’m guessing you broke the rules and dug up everything you could on him.

Dan: (laughs) I didn’t. (shakes his head ‘no’.) I mean, yeah. I did.

Marcus: I’d like it all on my desk in an hour.

(Lucifer, Chloe, and Ella arrive at the Sound Studio where ‘The Bobby Lowe Show’ is being shot. Someone is rolling a giant rooster figure through the building.)

Lucifer: That’s the biggest c*ck I’ve ever seen.

Assistant: Oh, whoa, whoa, excuse me, guys. You guys can’t be back here.

Chloe: We’re looking for…

Ella: (Excitedly pointing) Bobby Lowe!

Lucifer: Uh, right.

(They ignore the assistant and proceed forward.)

Assistant: (Chasing after them.) Oh, my God, please, no. He doesn’t like visitors. Damn, I can’t get fired.

(Bobby Lowe is sitting in front of a makeup mirror with a makeup artist working on his face. He looks bored and sad.)

Ella: Oh, my God, it’s really Bobby Lowe!

Bobby: (to Assistant) What did I say?

Assistant: I’m sorry.

Bobby: No eye contact, no green Skittles in my candy jar (raising his voice in anger) and no guests!

Chloe: I’m Detective Chloe Decker, LAPD. We want to talk to you about the m*rder of JD Woodstock.

Bobby: (to makeup artist) Why are you stopping? The show starts in five minutes, honey. Chop-chop.

Ella: (So enamored she is in denial about how mean he is being.) God, he just called her honey. So sweet.

Bobby: Is this about that stupid podcast? You really think I stole jokes? Me?

Lucifer: Very much so, yes.

Ella: Of course not.

Bobby: (scoffs)

Chloe: What I think is I’d like to explore his accusations, starting with where you were when he died.

Bobby: (sighs) You know why people accuse others of stealing material?

Lucifer: Because the others are thieves?

Bobby: Because they’re failures. And instead of facing that, they blame successful people like me.

Lucifer: (taking this personally, he says with rising anger) How dare you! (Chloe stops Lucifer.)

Assistant: Uh, they’re ready for you, Bobby.

Bobby: Look, some of us have important work to do, like entertaining America. (He gets up and starts walking towards the stage.) If you’d like to see how it’s done, take a seat.

Chloe: Charming.

Ella: I can’t believe it. He invited us to a taping.

(audience cheering as warm-up comedian, Sheila Vestal, is getting the crowd excited.)

Woman: Are you ready to laugh? Wait, what, what? No, I can’t hear you guys.

Sheila: Come on. I bribed you with T-shirts. I phoned in all my best jokes. What more do you want? Oh, yeah. More T-shirts! Yeah! Let’s try that again. Look what I got. Are you ready to laugh?

Audience: Yeah!

Sheila: All right, guys. Let’s start the show.

(Curtain rises)

Audience: Yeah!

(Lucifer and Chloe are not falling for the hype. Ella is very excited and enjoying every moment.)

Ella: Oh, there he is, there he is.

(audience cheering)

(Bobby walks into the fake living room and plops down on the sofa looking sad.)

Bobby: Well, that was the worst date of my entire life.

(audience laughs)

(From behind the sofa, a puppet appears.)

Puppet: Oh, come on now, Bobby. I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.

Bobby: She left before we got dessert.

Puppet: But dessert’s the best part of the meal, Bobby.

(audience cheers. Lucifer looks around at the audience in confusion and disbelief.)

(A big red puppet enters the room.)

Big Red Puppet: Well, on the upside, you have been trying to lose weight.

(laughs)

Bobby: I didn’t say I left before dessert.

Lucifer: (to Chloe) This is what that arrogant fraud is so proud of?

Chloe: (whispering to Ella) Wait, what’s this show about?

Ella: (whispering) Oh. Those are his imaginary friends. They help him deal with his insecurities.

Chloe: Oh.

Ella: We’ve all been there, right?

Bobby: I’ll just impress her at the party.

Chloe: Not convinced. Right.

(Chloe turns to say something to Lucifer and finds him missing. Just then, Lucifer comes down the other aisle talking in a loud voice.)

Lucifer: Excuse me. Excuse me. Time out. Excuse me. (laughing) Sorry.

(Lucifer walks past the cameras and into the fake living room.)

Lucifer: You stole a dead man’s work and turned it into this? (Pushing the Big Red Puppet out of his way.) Get lost, Fraggle Rock.

Bobby What do you think you’re doing, man?

Lucifer: Stealing your show, which only seems fair as you stole it first.

Puppet: Hey, mind your own business, Dr.Who. Pip pip out of here.

Lucifer: Dr.Who?

(audience laughs)

Lucifer: Don’t laugh!

(Lucifer reaches over to pull the puppet off the back of the sofa and instead, removes the puppet’s head so the hand of the puppeteer is visible.)

(audience gasps. Boy screams.)

Chloe: Oh, geez.

Bobby: (trying to calm audience) It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay.

Lucifer: Right, what have you got to say for yourself? (to puppeteer behind the sofa) Beat it, handy.

Bobby: I’m not talking to you. Get the hell out of my set, man.

Lucifer: Okay. Okay, fine. Don’t talk to me.

(Lucifer walks behind the sofa and pulls out a large plastic container filled with other puppets and puts it on the sofa.)

Lucifer: Let’s have a chat with one of your old friends, shall we? What have we got in here?

Bobby: You can’t touch those puppets. (calling out to the staff) Does anyone work here?!

Lucifer: (Pulls out a pink furry rabbit puppet and starts to put it on his hand.) Ah, here we go. All right, this one looks good.

Bobby: (very nervous and scared) No, no, n-no, put-put that – put that down.

Lucifer: (silly voice) What? What? Jealous someone else has their hand up my butt? (in his regular voice) Actually, this apparatus is more difficult than…

Bobby: Seriously, put it down.

Lucifer: Ah, there’s the trigger. Right. Where was I? (silly voice) You…

(Lucifer pulls the trigger he thinks is part of the puppet. g*nsh*t)

(audience gasps, screams)

Woman: I’m telling you, just get down, get down.

Lucifer: (chuckles) Oh, don’t worry, everyone. (He waves the puppet around for the audience to see.) There’s just a g*n stashed inside the puppet.

(Audience screams and ducks for cover.)

Chloe: Lucifer, put the g*n down.

Lucifer: Right. Right. Yes. Well, at least no one was hurt.

(Just then, Bobby falls face-first onto the floor and doesn’t move.)

Lucifer: (Now concerned, he holds up the smoking puppet and says…) Uh, he did it.

Sheila: Are you insane? You could’ve k*lled him.

Lucifer: Me? I’m not the one who hid a g*n up a puppet’s backside. Or have all the puppets got g*ns in them? If so, I’ll set my DVR.

Bobby: No. We never used that puppet. It was my imaginary friend’s imaginary friend. The character didn’t land.

Lucifer: I wonder why.

Chloe: So you hid a g*n in it?

Bobby: I didn’t think some lunatic was gonna try to k*ll me with it.

Lucifer: It’s just a flesh wound.

Chloe: And you admit that it’s your g*n?

Bobby: Yeah.

Lucifer: Ah, I see. So you k*lled our poor victim, ran back to work, and keistered it in an old puppet.

(Ella arrives holding the g*n in a clear evidence bag.)

Ella: Not the m*rder weapon. This is a 380, and the m*rder*r used a 9mm.

Lucifer: All that means is that he hid his other g*n somewhere else. So come on. Prostate exams for all the puppets.

Chloe: Lucifer.

Bobby: I don’t have another g*n. I didn’t k*ll JD.

Lucifer: I don’t believe you. You’re a thief. You took everything JD had, even his life. So come on. (leans in close to Bobby and uses his power of desire on him) What more could you possibly desire?

Bobby: (quietly, after a long pause, he says…) I want out of this hell. Every day I come to work, and I tell stupid jokes with puppets. Puppets!

Sheila: Bobby. What are you saying? This is a dream gig.

Bobby: It’s a nightmare! You know what the biggest joke is?

Lucifer: You?

Bobby: Me! (exhales)

Lucifer: (chuckles) It’s no fun when they talk to themselves.

Bobby: And now that JD’s dead, I’m never getting out of here.

Chloe: What do you mean?

Bobby: (sighs) He was telling the truth. I stole his act. I based the show on it.

(Sheila leaves in disgust.)

Ella: But I defended you! J’accuse, Bobby Lowe! J’accuse! (she steps back)

Chloe: If you wanted out of the job so bad, why didn’t you just admit it and quit?

Bobby: Golden handcuffs. If I quit, I lose all the money. And I really like the money.

Chloe: And if JD revealed that you were stealing his act, and they fire you…

Bobby: I get a golden parachute instead. Which is why I had to keep up appearances, not let anyone know the truth.

Chloe: But why hide the g*n on set?

Bobby: Yeah. Because I was getting death threats. Someone’s pissed, claiming all my jokes are about him.

Ella: The jokes that you stole like the thief which you are?

Lucifer: (pulling her back away from Bobby) That’s a big strong, Miss Lopez.

Bobby: Yeah.

Chloe: Any idea who was making these threats?

Bobby: They came from an anonymous e-mail. But, like I said, I stole the jokes. The only person who knows who they’re about…

Chloe: Is the dead guy. Right. I’m gonna need those e-mails.

Bobby: (quietly) All right.

(Amenadiel and Dr. Linda stand solemnly next to a large pile of black garbage bags filled with wing parts.)

Dr. Linda: (groans) God. This must be so painful. Cutting off a piece of yourself over and over. Lucifer made it seem like no big deal, but ouch.

Amenadiel: We all have pain that we hide, Linda, that we’re just not ready to share with the world.

Dr. Linda: (she touches a bandage on her wrist) That’s very true. How do you know it’s a test?

Amenadiel: Because I’m faced with having to dispose of the one thing that I so desperately want back.

Dr. Linda: Could just be really bad luck.

Amenadiel: No. My Father always has a plan. I don’t doubt that anymore.

Dr. Linda: Seems awfully cruel.

Amenadiel: Well, if it were easy, it wouldn’t be much of a test. Would it? (He picks up a bag and walks away.)

(Lucifer and Chloe are reading emails.)

Lucifer: (reading out loud) “I know what you’re doing. Stop making fun of me, or else I’m going to stab you.”

Chloe: “I know you’re making fun of me. Stop or I’ll k*ll you.”

Lucifer: Dreadfully unoriginal, aren’t they?

Chloe: Looks like the threats stopped last week after JD posted his video.

Lucifer: So you think the k*ller saw it and then realized he’d been threatening the wrong comedian the entire time?

Chloe: And then k*lled JD after he realized he was the guy actually making fun of him. Seems possible.

Lucifer: So what’s the joke that he’s so angry about? Did our k*ller have unfunny imaginary friends?

Chloe: No, that happened later. I did some research, and originally, the show was much edgier. Hmm? About a guy dealing with his insecurities about his, um, W-Well, I really don’t want to tell you.

Lucifer: Ooh. Well, now I need to know.

Chloe: Dealing with his insecurities about his, um, micropenis.

Lucifer: (acts embarrassed by the topic) All right, well. (then starts to make jokes) Hold me closer, tiny donger. So you’re saying we’re looking for a needle in a p*nis stack.

Chloe: See, this is why I didn’t want to tell you. Anyhow, after it became a family show – Mm. The micropenis got removed.

Lucifer: Did anyone even notice? (laughs)

Chloe: Okay. Okay. Just go to town. Get them all out of your system. (Lucifer exhales and becomes serious.) What?

Lucifer: Well, perhaps, perhaps we should consider this case closed.

Chloe: Excuse me?

Lucifer: Well, we thought Bobby stole a joke, but in actual fact, our deceased stole this man’s very essence. I mean, his tiny, microscopic essence, sure, but his essence nonetheless. So, uh, in actual fact, I think our k*ller is the victim here.

Chloe: Yeah, that’s actually not how it works. We still need to find our k*ller. I’ll get these to cyber, see if they can trace an IP.

(elevator bell dings. Lucifer comes out of the elevator talking on the phone.)

Lucifer: (sighs) What? No. Not “cinnamon,” “Sinnerman.” He’s not a spice, Maze. (Pours himself a drink from behind his bar.) Well, yes, I know you have a hectic schedule, but surely you can find time to track him down for me. Right. Stop pretending the call is cutting out, Maze. I taught you that trick. Maze. Mazikeen! (groans)

(He is stopped short by seeing a motion, a reflection, in one of the decanters. He realizes there is someone else in the room with him.)

Marcus: Lucifer Morningstar. I’ve figured out what you really are.

Lucifer: So, it’s come to this, has it? Finally, someone in the police department realized that I am exactly what I say I am… the Devil himself. (chuckles) Well, I’m surprised it’s taken you this long.

Marcus: I have no idea why you prance around and call yourself the Devil.

Lucifer: “Prance”?

Marcus: This is about the Sinnerman.

Lucifer: (laughing) Right. I see what’s happening here. A mysterious figure handing out favors, probably dashing and handsome. You think I’m the Sinnerman. Well, truth is…

Marcus: You’re not the Sinnerman. He’s smart and calculated.

Lucifer: You don’t know me. Maybe I am the Sinnerman. Surprise!

Marcus: No, I followed you and looked into your history. You’re impulsive and short-fused.

Lucifer: I am not. (Realizing he just made Marcus’s point for him, Lucifer stifled a laugh) Very well. What is it that you think I am?

Marcus: An idiot.

Lucifer: (chuckles) So what, you broke into my apartment just to insult me? You could’ve just waited till I was in the office.

Marcus: No, I came here to warn you. I know you’re looking into him, but you have no idea what you’re doing. The Sinnerman is not a myth.

Lucifer: Very aware of that already, thank you.

Marcus: It’s not a name to throw around. Not even at the precinct. That’s why I came here to talk. He’s that dangerous.

Lucifer: So am I.

Marcus: Maybe so. Either way, you need to know who you’re dealing with. I’ve butted heads with him in Chicago. Did not end well.

Lucifer: Then, what? You ran here with your tail between your legs?

Marcus: I did, yeah.

Lucifer: Oh.

Marcus: He k*lled someone close to me. Really damn close. I don’t want what happened to me to happen to anyone else. Even you. You need to be careful.

Lucifer: He stole from me, Lieutenant, and I won’t stand for it.

Marcus: You’re not listening.

Lucifer: Yes, I am. Now you listen to me. You can keep your head buried in the sand if you want to, while I go mano a Sinnermano, all right? I’ve got this.

(exhales) (sirens wailing in distance) (Amenadiel and Dr. Linda load the garbage bags of wing parts into a dumpster.)

Dr. Linda: So Compost? Recycling? I’ve never had to dispose of pieces of divinity before.

Amenadiel: (pulling out a flip-top lighter) Waste.

(Amenadiel lights the lighter and throws it into the dumpster. The garbage bags and wings catch on fire.)

Dr. Linda: I thought this would be a little more reverential? Less angel wing dumpster fire. Should we say something? I feel like we should say something

Amenadiel: (annoyed) What do you want me to say here, Linda? I didn’t choose this test. I don’t even know if this really is a test. I mean, maybe I’m just torturing myself here. But if Lucifer wants to treat his wings like trash, then trash they shall be. Even if it pains me in my very soul.

Dr. Linda: I don’t think Lucifer knows how much this hurts you.

Amenadiel: He never does. And even though he doesn’t realize it, everything he does seems designed to hurt me.

Dr. Linda: To test you? Huh.

Amenadiel: Wow. You’re right. It’s been right in front of my face all along. My test is Lucifer. It’s always been Lucifer. You’re very wise, Linda.

Dr. Linda: Thanks, Amen. Mm – Yeah, it doesn’t work, does it? (laughs softly)

(Lucifer comes in panting and walks up to Chloe) I, uh, had a rather illuminating conversation with our new lieutenant last night.

Chloe: What did you do?

Lucifer: Nothing. Yet. He warned me not to talk about the Sinnerman.

Chloe: Yeah, he’s right. You sound crazy — er.

Lucifer: No. He actually knows…

(Dan walks up to them, interrupting Lucifer mid-sentence.)

Dan: Cyber tracked all the e-mails to the same I.P. address. A comedy club on Sunset called The Laughmaker.

Chloe: So do we think he works there?

Dan: Maybe. The e-mails were always sent on Thursday nights at 8:00 p.m.

Chloe: And that’s when Bobby’s show aired. So it makes sense that that could set him off.

Dan: Yeah, it’s also when they have open mic night, so it could be any one of the comedians performing, too.

Chloe: Or a diehard fan. Either way, they’re consistent. It would make sense that the k*ller could be at the next open mic night.

Dan: Which is tonight.

Chloe: So how do we draw him out?

Lucifer: Easy. Arrest everyone in the club and pull their pants down. Tiniest weenie wins, for once.

Chloe: Or, our guy is clearly sensitive, right? Why don’t we use that to flush him out?

Dan: What, get someone on stage that’ll really piss him off? Yeah. Yeah, that could work.

Lucifer: And I think we all know the perfect man for that job.

Woman Announcer: All right, please welcome to the stage, for the first time, the devilishly handsome Dan Espinoza.

(Dan steps into the spotlight on stage looking confident.)

Lucifer: (yells from the audience) Remember “yes, and,” Daniel.

(Dan suddenly looks not so sure of himself.) (chuckles nervously) (man clears throat)

Dan: Hi, everybody.

Woman: Hey.

Audience: Hi.

Dan: (clears throat) So, uh (chuckles) – Um (pulls mic off stand and hits himself in the face. microphone feedback) Oh (short chuckle) Uh, I have a friend. And he’s got a tiny p*nis.

Woman: What?

Dan: Uh, a micropenis. Uh, in fact, – his p*nis is so tiny, (woman groans) it’s not even a micropenis. It’s an atomic p*nis. (he laughs but no one else does) (Chloe motions and mouthing from audience to keep going.) Because atoms are small. Not because it explodes. (Dan clears throat) His, uh, p*nis is so small

Lucifer: Boo! It’s a medical condition, you monster.

(audience cheers)

Chloe: (chastising him) Lucifer.

Lucifer: (to Chloe) What? Can’t stop, won’t stop. This is much too fun, Detective.

Chloe: (to Lucifer) No, no, no, keep going. I want you to keep going.

Lucifer: Copy that.

(Lucifer stands up and moves towards the stage where Dan is standing.)

Lucifer: Anyways, so what? Next you’re gonna tell us that his willy’s so small that when he wants to have sex, he needs to call out a search party?

(audience laughs) –

Lucifer: Or that his weenis is so small, it looks like his testicles are giving (high-pitched) the tiniest thumbs up?

(audience laughs) –

Lucifer: Huh? Shame on you for mocking the poorly-endowed.

Man: Yeah!

Lucifer: Oh, hold on. Maybe there’s no friend at all, and you’re the one with the baby carrot.

Dan: (chuckles) What? No. No, I-I I-I don’t have a micropenis. I mean, not that there’s anything wrong with having one.

Lucifer: Come on. Now’s your chance. Show the world your teeny, tiny, itsy-bitsy baby arm.

Dan: I-I I don’t have a tiny, teeny

Lucifer: It’s okay! We accept you for your minuscule manhood.

Dan: (angrily yelling) I don’t have a tiny… (a tomato suddenly hits him in the chest)

Woman: Oh, my.

(We now see that it is Lucifer throwing the tomatoes.)

Chloe: Lucifer. (She grabs Lucifer’s arm and tries to get him to stop now.)

Lucifer: What, you didn’t bring any? (chuckles and yells) Get off! Or show us your nubbin. Hmm?

Man: Yeah!

(Dan is mortified and runs off stage.)

Lucifer: Yeah.

Audience: Boo! (audience cheering, whistling)

(Lucifer and Chloe are at the bar when Dan walks up to them)

Bartender: (serves Lucifer a martini) There you go!

Lucifer: Oh, lovely.

Dan: What the hell was that, man? You undermined the entire sting.

Lucifer: Well, I’d argue you undermined it with your botched attempt at humor. All I did was throw a drowning man a tomato. Oh, what are the chances?

Dan: I didn’t even want to do this to begin with. And I told you stand-up and improv are completely different. And why didn’t you stop him?

Chloe: Because I realized the k*ller might seek out a sympathetic voice.

Dan: He wasn’t sympathetic. He just used it as an excuse to tell even more micropenis jokes. There is no way anyone’s gonna appreciate that.

(A man comes up to them and addresses Lucifer.)

Erik: Hey, man. I just, uh, wanted to say I really appreciate you saying what you did.

Lucifer: Huh. Ah. (Shakes the man’s hand.) Absolutely. No problem at all. I mean, someone has to stand up for the little guy, am I right?

Erik: Yeah.

Lucifer: Hearing stuff like that just makes you want to m*rder someone, doesn’t it?

Erik: Sure does.

Lucifer: Hmm. Well done, Detective. Right, just to be sure, shall I pull his pants down, or do you want the honors?

Erik: You’re gonna do what?

Dan: (Taking the man by the arm.) Follow me.

Erik: (confused) What?

Dan: Come on.

(Chloe and Lucifer interview the man from the club. Crime photos are spread out in front of the man.)

Erik: I don’t understand. Having a micropenis isn’t a crime.

Chloe: So you didn’t send threatening e-mails to Bobby Lowe?

Erik: No, I did. Back when Bobby was nobody, I toured with him. And that’s when I figured he heard about my condition.

Lucifer: (laughs softly)

Chloe: Um, how would he have heard about that?

Erik: All the chuckle bunnies talk.

Chloe: The what?

Erik: Uh, chicks who like to have sex with comedians.

Lucifer: Oh, there’s a term for that? Oh, I should get a term. (chuckles) Oh. Devil bunnies. Oh, no. Lucifans.

Chloe: Can you please?

Lucifer: Or not.

Erik: One in particular, I told some stories, and then I heard them as part of Bobby’s set.

Chloe: So then, you started threatening him.

Erik: I was blowing off steam, okay? Every time that stupid show aired, it was like a punch in the gut.

Chloe: And then you found out that JD was writing the jokes.

Lucifer: And justifiably m*rder*d him.

Erik: I forgave him.

Lucifer: What? But he stole your life story and profited from it. Why would you forgive him?

Erik: I don’t mind a fellow struggling comic busting ba*ls. It’s when a millionaire starts punching down that I get pissed. Or that good-looking jerk from the club.

Lucifer: What? (to Chloe) Who’s he talking about?

Chloe: Dan.

Lucifer: Oh. Right. Are you sure?

Chloe: (mutters)

Erik: Besides, JD’s life was pretty sad. I mean, I think his last gig was a barbecue. He even made up this sad story about a warm-up comic wanting to meet with him about a gig. (laughs) As if that’d happen.

Lucifer: Why? Is telling bad jokes before even worse jokes a coveted gig?

Erik: Are you kidding? You work an hour a day and clear six figures. Not to mention, you probably get a role in the show at some point.

Chloe: Oh. Really? Do you remember the name of the, uh, warm-up comedian?

Erik: Uh, Shelly maybe, or?

Chloe: Sheila?

Erik: Yeah, that was it. Do you know her?

Chloe: (motions to an officer standing against the wall.) We’re done here. (She gathers the paper off the desk and moves to leave.)

Lucifer: What? Detective, what did I miss? Who’s Sheila?

Chloe: Sheila’s the name of Bobby Lowe’s warm-up comedian.

Lucifer: Right.

(Lucifer and Chloe use flashlights to make their way through the dark rows of props and costumes.)

Lucifer: Detective, are you sure that Sheila’s here?

Chloe: Her roommate said that she’d be here working on new jokes, so…

Lucifer: Well, I still don’t understand. She seemed devastated when Bobby said he was a joke thief.

Chloe: Well, maybe she’s not pissed off about the theft.

Lucifer: What? Well, then, what else would she be angry about?

Chloe: (sighs) Let’s find out.

Lucifer: Okay. (sighs) As if these puppets weren’t creepy enough.

(As they walk past, one of the lion costumes moves. There is someone inside.)

(Chloe and Lucifer enter a hallway. Chloe goes in first.)

Chloe: (calling out) Hello? Anyone here? Hello? (sighs. She turns around, and Lucifer isn’t behind her.) Lucifer? (She turns back around and is surprised by a creepy clown mask. She yells, then laughs)

Lucifer: (in deep voice) Hello, Detective. (It’s Lucifer wearing the mask)

Lucifer: (laughs) Sorry. (Takes off the mask.) Well, don’t worry. At least I don’t have a g*n up my bum.

Chloe: If you’re not gonna take this seriously, then you wait here for me.

Lucifer: Okay.

Chloe: Okay.

(She leaves him there and walks down another hallway.)

Chloe: Hello? Anyone here?

(metallic clattering) (Chloe draws her g*n and proceeds towards the sounds)

(man groans softly) (groans) (Chloe pulls back a curtain and finds a man lying on the floor. It’s Bobby Lowe.)

Bobby: What, what’s going on? Is she still here?

Chloe: Who? She? Sheila? Did she do this to you?

Bobby: I told her I was gonna quit, and-and she freaked out on me, started screaming about everything she-she’d done for me. But I-I can’t take it any-anymore. My craft…

Chloe: Okay, midlife crisis later. How long ago?

Bobby: Uh, a few minutes maybe. We-we heard you come in, and then she hit me with the butt of her, of her g*n in the face!

Chloe: She has a g*n?

Bobby: Did-did you hear me?! I said, in-in the face! This is my moneymaker! Am I okay?

Chloe: (yelling loudly) Lucifer, she’s here!

Bobby: No.

Chloe: She’s armed!

(boards creaking. Sheila is creeping and looking around, holding a g*n. Suddenly Lucifer appears near her.)

Lucifer: Why did you do it, Sheila?

Sheila: Get out of the way! I’m getting out of here.

Lucifer: Well, once you answer my question, I’ll gladly let you past. Why k*ll and t*rture a man for this pretentious hack?

Sheila: Do you know how hard it is to crawl out of the stand-up world and get a gig like this?

Lucifer: But he’s a fellow comedian. Why would you k*ll for someone who stole jokes from one of your own?

(Chloe is now on the ground looking up at them. She sees a sandbag hanging from a rope.)

Sheila: So he stole material. Hell, he stole half my set, too. Who cares?!

Lucifer: (he keeps inching closer towards her) You should! It’s yours! One might say your very identity.

Sheila: Jokes don’t make a comedian. Everyone has an itchy butt joke. It’s all about what you do with it.

Lucifer: What you do with your itchy butt?

Sheila: With the joke!

Lucifer: Oh. So, what you’re saying is, it’s okay to steal someone’s work as long as you do it better?

Sheila: And take me with you? Hell yeah, it is. Oh – Now, if you don’t get out of my way, I swear…

(Chloe unties the sandbag and lets it drop. It falls behind Sheila and startles her, making her look back for a moment. Sheila gasps then turns back towards Lucifer, who punches her hard in the face. Sheila grunts and falls onto the boards of the catwalk unconscious. Lucifer sighs.)

Lucifer: Excellent work, Detective. Okay, (looking at Sheila’s unconscious body) so how do we get her down from here?

(Dan is sitting at his desk working when Lucifer walks up to him.)

Lucifer: Daniel?

Dan: You’re not gonna throw a tomato at me, are you?

Lucifer: Come now, Daniel. I only did that for the good of the case.

Dan: (sighs)

Lucifer: Also, I ran out, but more importantly, did you text me to come here? I didn’t recognize the number, so I assumed it was you.

Dan: You didn’t save my number?

(A voice comes from behind Dan.)

Marcus: It was me.

(Marcus motions for Dan to leave, and Dan obeys.)

Lucifer: Too much hard work to break into my penthouse again for a heart-to-heart?

Marcus: I did some digging, and you were right. The Sinnerman is here in L.A.

Lucifer: Oh, right.

Marcus: Are you not gonna take my advice from last night?

Lucifer: Most definitely not.

Marcus: I thought so.

Lucifer: You brought the Sinnerman’s murderous thug in.

Marcus: He’s all yours. I couldn’t get anything out of him. Maybe you can.

Lucifer: (laughing) Oh. Right. So, what, is this you passing the baton? Where are you running off to next?

Marcus: Nowhere. I’m seeing this through. But you need to shut your damn mouth about the Sinnerman. We need to play this carefully. Let’s keep it between us.

Lucifer: (scoffs)

Marcus: The less people who know about it, the less chance anyone gets hurt.

Lucifer: But the detective…

Chloe: Has a kid. She stays out of it.

Lucifer: (sighs) Very well. (chuckles softly then proceeds to the interrogation room)

Lucifer: Hello, Alonso. Let’s cut to the chase, shall we? I know the Sinnerman had you skewer Sam under the pier, so tell me everything.

Alonso: Who the hell’s the Sinnerman?

Lucifer: (laughs) Fine. Fine. Let’s play a little game, shall we? (using his power of desire) Look at me. Tell me. Why did you really desire Sam’s death?

Alonso: I didn’t want my girl to sleep with him anymore.

Lucifer: And?

Alonso: And that’s it. I got pissed. Went medieval on his a*s to send a message. No one touches my girl.

Lucifer: And what about the Sinnerman?

Alonso: Man, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Lucifer: Oh, you must know. Come on, Alonso. What about the Sinnerman?

Alonso: I don’t know.

Lucifer: (furious, Lucifer rips the chair out from under Alonso and throws it to the other side of the room) You must know!

Alonso: I don’t know anything, I swear.

Lucifer: (swallows hard) I believe you.

Lucifer: He was telling the truth. I mean, maybe the Sinnerman manipulated Alonso without him realizing it. Or perhaps he was just a deranged fellow who felt impaling a rival lover to death was the way to his girl’s heart. It’s a bit old-fashioned, really.

Dr. Linda: Lucifer, I want to talk about your wings.

Lucifer: Oh, bloody hell. They’re not out again?!

Dr. Linda: So they grew back?

Lucifer: They did this morning. Sneaky buggers.

Dr. Linda: You can’t keep doing this to yourself.

Lucifer: Oh, I agree.

Dr. Linda: You do?

Lucifer: Yes. It’s getting exhausting and quite messy. No, I need a new solution. Maybe I should hire someone to do it.

Dr. Linda: Or maybe your solution is to accept that, for now, you have wings again.

Lucifer: What, and let Dad win, or whoever it bloody is? I I don’t think so.

Dr. Linda: It’s easy to let external factors define us. (clock ticking) Especially the traumatic ones. But only if we let them.

Lucifer: (Lucifer makes a connection.) We all have itchy butts.

Dr. Linda: Excuse me?

Lucifer: No, it’s just something a woman said to me right before I punched her in the face. It’s not about the idea. It’s about the execution. It’s about how I use the wings.

Dr. Linda: That’s actually pretty wise.

Lucifer: Yeah. So I’ll just tuck them away and pretend they don’t exist.

Dr. Linda: Less good.

Lucifer: Someone else is giving favors. Who cares? I’m Lucifer bloody Morningstar! I do favors better than anyone else. Amongst other things, of course. Or at least, I used to. And I think that maybe it’s about time I got back in the game.

(At Lux, Lucifer interviews with people to get back in the game.)

(There is a line of people waiting on the stairs. At the bottom of the stairs, a young man with a guitar cautiously walks up in front of Lucifer, who sits as if presiding over court.)

Lucifer: Hello. So, tell me. What is it that you truly desire?