S3 Ep13: Til Death Do Us Part

(It’s nighttime. Pierce steps out of the elevator.)

Pierce: Lucifer? Lucifer! Hello, Lucifer?

(From the bedroom, Lucifer appears with a revving chainsaw and wearing a welders mask.)

Pierce: If it were that easy to k*ll me, I would have been dead a long time ago.

Lucifer: Very well. Right, have you tried… – grenade down the throat?

Pierce: Yes.

Lucifer: Acid bath? Devoured by wolves?

Pierce: Yes.

Lucifer: Dropped into helicopter blades?

Pierce: I’ve been trying to k*ll myself since the Bronze Age. I have tried everything. Even jumped into a volcano once.

Lucifer: What, you survived molten lava?

Pierce: Yeah, it was a rough six months. Just, whatever I do, I just… regrow.

Lucifer: Like a blue-eyed, square-jawed tapeworm. So if I cut you exactly in half, would there be two Pierces?

Pierce: No. Only one side would heal. You see, I call it the the “master molecule” theory.

(Lucifer is skimming through books as they speak.)

Lucifer: Yes, yes, Wolverine rules. I get it. But… there must be some method that works.

Pierce: Lucifer, why do you care so much about this?

Lucifer: Because my Father laid a curse on you to live forever, so k*lling you would be an epic loogie in the old man’s eye.

Pierce: Well, you are the Devil. You must have something shockingly evil up your sleeve.

Lucifer: You mean… – something like this? Aah!

Pierce: Ouch! Thanks.

Lucifer: You’re most welcome. ‘Cause that little bad boy was forged in the bowels of Hell. Yes, demon steel. Can k*ll even me, so… time to say goodbye to Hollywood, Pierce.

(Pierce pulls a curved demon blade out of his back. Hands the blade to Lucifer and walks out.)

Pierce: Goodbye, Lucifer.

Lucifer: No, I… I don’t understand. How does this not work?

Pierce: I should have known that you wouldn’t be able to figure this out.

Lucifer: Well, I mean, the good news is we’ve got all the time in the world to do so.

Pierce: For me, that’s a bad thing. (groans)

(Elevator doors close on Pierce leaving the penthouse.)

(Chloe and Dan cross the yellow tape and enter the crime scene.)

Chloe: Hey, Dan.

Dan: Hey.

Chloe: (to the officer holding up the yellow tape) Thank you. (to Dan) I feel like I’m having déjà vu. This street seems so familiar.

Dan: Yeah, well, it should. We took a look at that house right there on the corner. Remember? Right after Trixie was born.

Chloe: Yeah. Great public schools, really safe neighborhood. Or not.

(Chloe now sees that there is a bloody wood chipper in the middle of the street with legs sticking up from the blades.)

Dan: June Lee, 34. Local chemistry teacher. She lived right down the block. Forestry service left the wood chipper here overnight, and someone took advantage.

Chloe: Did you get a chance to talk to any of the lookieloos yet?

Dan: Nope. All yours.

Chloe: Okay.

(Chloe approaches a group of people on the other side of the yellow tape.)

Chloe: Hello. I’m Detective Decker.

Woman 1: Who would do this to poor June?

Chloe: Well, I’m hoping that you all could help me with that. Um… did any of you hear or see anything out of the ordinary this morning?

Woman 1: No. I mean, I heard that wood chipper going, but… I didn’t know.

Chloe: And did any of you know anyone that would want to hurt June?

Woman 2: No. Everyone really loved her. She was very active in the community.

Woman 1: We just got manipedis together.

Chloe: Sorry.

(Lucifer is looking at a table of weapons Maze has brought.)

Lucifer: Thank you for your help, Maze.

Maze: No worries. This actually gives me time to brainstorm a little problem of my own. (picks up a hinged weapon) So, this is for anything with wings.

Lucifer: Ooh.

Maze: I grab them like this. And then I stab ’em with my blade.

Lucifer: Right.

Maze: (picks up a double-bladed sword) This beauty… This is for anything with horns.

Lucifer: Goody.

Maze: So I hook ’em like this.

Lucifer: Yeah.

Maze: And then, bam! Blade straight to the heart.

Lucifer: Right, I’m just gonna stop you there. Do these grisly struggles always end with you stabbing a victim with your blade?

Maze: My blades were forged in Hell. How else am I supposed to k*ll a celestial being?

Lucifer: Damn. I already stabbed him with one of your blades.

Maze: Well, I wish you would’ve told me that before I hauled all this out of the basement.

Lucifer: Nothing on Earth. Nothing from Hell. I mean, there must be some way to snuff this candle.

Maze: Well… Decker makes you killable, right? Why don’t you see what’s going on there? Rub some of that on Pierce.

Lucifer: Apples to oranges, Maze. What’s going on there is just a cruel joke from Dad.

Maze: And what’s going on with Pierce isn’t? Your Father is all about mind games and loopholes, remember?

Lucifer: Yes, perhaps you’re right, Maze. Maybe I should find out what makes Pierce vulnerable. Get inside his head. (Maze looks at the weapon she’s holding and smiles.) Not with the cranial saw. (Maze frowns.) Well, not yet anyway.

(Lucifer is wearing glasses and is seated at Pierce’s desk writing something when Pierce comes in.)

Pierce: Why is my couch in the middle of my office?

Lucifer: Good. You’re here. (Lucifer turns to face Pierce holding a pen and a notebook.) Please, take a seat. How are you feeling today?

Pierce: What are you doing?

Lucifer: Answering a question with another question. That’s called “evasion.” All right, and your body language suggests you’re quite upset.

Pierce: No, I’m just not a fan of your redecorating.

Lucifer: That’s awfully passive aggressive of you, Pierce. Why don’t you tell me how you really feel?

Pierce: Get out of my office.

Lucifer: Good, good. Anger. That’s called a breakthrough, yeah. Don’t worry. (Lucifer offers Pierce a box of tissues.) This is a safe place.

(Lucifer tosses the box of tissues at Pierce who doesn’t move and the box bounces off his chest and onto the floor.)

Pierce: Why are you doing this?

Lucifer: Well, how am I supposed to solve the mystery of how to k*ll you if I don’t understand you first? Your strengths, your weaknesses. Because everyone has a Kryptonite, Lieutenant.

Pierce: (Nods his head and picks up the tissue box.) So in other words, you still have no idea how to k*ll me?

Lucifer: But… this is the idea.

Pierce: I’m not a crier. I’m not a sharer. So unless you have something that’s case-related, we’re done talking. And turn my desk around.

(As he leaves his office, Pierce sees Chloe and goes to talk to her.)

Pierce: Decker. Please tell me you’re working on something interesting.

Chloe: Pierce. Lieutenant, you’re still here. does that mean you’ve decided to stay, or…?

Pierce: Yeah. At least for now.

Chloe: That’s great. That’s really, really great.

Pierce: Two really’s? Really?

Chloe: Yeah, just ’cause… I have a twist in my case, and I could use your help. So the suburban wood chipper victim, we recovered a finger, ran a print. Turns out June Lee isn’t June Lee.

Pierce: It’s a false identity?

Chloe: Our vic’s real name is Sandra Jang, and according to public record, she died three years ago.

(Lucifer shows up and joins the conversation.)

Lucifer: Fascinating. You know, the lieutenant has a lot of experience in fake deaths.

Pierce: You must mean because I came up through Missing Persons in Chicago.

Lucifer: Mmm.

Chloe: Great. We could really use your experience on this, then.

Lucifer: Yes, I, too, would love to learn everything about your experience.

Pierce: Sure. Decker, why don’t you pull the original death certificate. There might be something there.

Chloe: You got it. (Chloe leaves.)

Pierce: I know what you’re trying to do.

Lucifer: If you mean solve a mystery, then yes. And with you and I working on this case together, it’ll k*ll two mysteries with one stone? Emphasis on the k*ll, of course.

(The conference room table is strewn with photos and papers. Chloe, Pierce, and Lucifer discuss the case. )

Chloe: So if we can figure out why Sandra faked her death three years ago, it might point to her k*ller.

Pierce: In my experience, people who fake their own death are running from something or someone.

Lucifer: Right, something or someone that scares them, makes them feel vulnerable. Any experience of that in your own life, Lieutenant?

(Pierce hides that he is annoyed and ignore Lucifer.)

Chloe: Sandra definitely could’ve been running. Check her rap sheet.

Pierce: Possession of narcotics and distribution.

Chloe: For a g*ng called the Korean Power.

Lucifer: Not your typical gangbanger.

(Dan arrives and hands Chloe some papers.)

Dan: That’s ’cause she’s not a gangbanger. She’s some kind of a chemist. Tech unlocked Sandra’s laptop, found, recipes for synthetic chemical compounds all filed under the label “KPOP.” It’s a kind of music, – right?

Lucifer: Dear. Poor Daniel, so behind the times. KPop is a kind of Ecstasy. It’s one of the best kinds, actually.

Chloe: (shakes her head) Wait, so Sandra wasn’t dealing for the g*ng, she was cooking for them. I wonder if KPop is still on the market?

Lucifer: Well, it was as of last Tuesday. It’s wonderful stuff. Yeah, it makes your skin feel like a baby chinchilla.

Chloe: And as a nightclub owner, you might know where to find some?

Lucifer: Absolutely. Yes, and I’d be happy to guide you on your roll, Detective. Though I would wait till you have a day off to recover.

Chloe: I’m not…

Pierce: (to Chloe) You want to squeeze a dealer.

Chloe: Right, and work our way up the chain to the Korean Power, maybe find Sandra’s k*ller.

Dan: There are dozens of homicides tied to the g*ng.

Lucifer: Okay, one Ecstasy dealer coming right up. (indicating Chloe and Pierce) You two can meet me at Lux in an hour.

Pierce: Sure.

Lucifer: Right. Daniel?

Dan: Yeah?

Lucifer: You can stay.

(Maze is trying to find some bounty hunter work.)

D.A.: Here’s one. Some idiot named Ben Simpson. Absconded in a stolen ice cream truck.

Maze: Six five. Aggravated as*ault with a blowtorch. Snore. Don’t you clowns have anything challenging?

(Maze senses something when Charlotte walks by her.)

Maze: What is that? Do you smell that?

D.A.: (looking at her s*xually) Axe Body Spray.

(Maze pushes him out of the way to follow her senses. She comes across Charlotte in a nearby room.)

Charlotte: Hello. Do I know you?

Maze: Used to. I’m Lucifer’s… friend.

Charlotte: So… we’re friends?

Maze: Hell no. You were a monstrous b*tch and I hated you. We were mortal enemies.

Charlotte: Right. I get that a lot.

Maze: Yeah, but now something’s different. It’s… wonderful. And Lord knows I could use a distraction.

Charlotte: Well, I have been trying to make changes. You know, new leaf and all. Hasn’t been easy, but I’m glad it’s finally starting to… come through.

Maze: Something’s coming through all right. (Leans in and inhales deeply to smell Charlotte.) You smell incredible.

Charlotte: What, um, exactly did you say our relationship was?

Maze: Shh. Don’t talk. I’ve got to go hogtie a fugitive in an ice cream truck right now. But… I will definitely be back.

(Maze leaves. Charlotte is left disturbed and confused.)

(Chloe meets Lucifer at the top of the stairs.)

Lucifer: Where’s Pierce? He said he was coming.

Chloe: Well, he’s probably busy at the precinct. And if you’re worried about him being checked out, relax. He’s sticking around L.A. For a while. I kind of convinced him to stay.

Lucifer: Don’t be foolish. The man’s clearly staying for me. Turns out we have quite a bit in common.

Chloe: Right. So, back to reality, where we have a case to solve, where is this dealer you promised?

Lucifer: shouts over to bartender Two house specials, please.

Chloe: Lucifer, you know I don’t drink on the job.

Bartender: Here you go. Two house specials.

(The bartender puts a silver tray on the bar with two star-shaped pills on it.)

Chloe: (whispers to Lucifer) Your bartender is a drug dealer?

Lucifer: What, you think I hired him for abs alone?

Chloe: Where’d you get the KPop?

(Bartender looks at Lucifer who nods his head to say it’s okay for the bartender to talk to Chloe.)

Bartender: I get it from the Korean Power. Best “E” in town, or used to be.

Lucifer: Sad but true. Previously hangover free, but now in the morning, your mouth’s like Gandhi’s flipflop.

Chloe: What changed?

Bartender: Their cook. The g*ng used to have some genius lady chemist, but I heard she got greedy.

Chloe: She stole from the Korean Power?

Bartender: Yup. Big, powerful, scary, boss dude, and she pilfered right from under his nose.

Chloe: Huh.

Bartender: Pretty ballsy. I mean, not that I would ever…

Lucifer: Yes, yes, get on with it. So, the boss put a hit out on her, did he?

Bartender: Yeah, but her lab blew up before they could get to her. Freak accident.

Chloe: Accident? Do you know this boss’ name or where we can find him?

Bartender: Yeah. Brandon Hong. He likes to hang out at this one karaoke spot over on Irolo. But these guys don’t mess around.

Lucifer: Right, well… off we go, Detective.

Chloe: What? Off we go to where?

Lucifer: To the karaoke parlor, talk to a g*ng leader. Maybe do a duet if you’re feeling adventurous.

Chloe: We have to verify this testimony with Vice. We have to get a warrant, assemble a SWAT team. You know, actually plan to do a g*ng takedown.

Lucifer: Right. Is that the sort of thing the lieutenant would get involved in?

Chloe: No, Pierce will not get involved until we bring him a suspect.

Lucifer: Which is why we should just go to the parlor and skip to that part.

Chloe: Lucifer, this is a ruthless drug lord with who knows how many armed thugs? You can’t just walk in there with your three-piece suit and say: (imitates Lucifer’s English accent) “Hello, drug dealers.”

Lucifer: (acting shocked) I would never do that.

Lucifer: (Lucifer comes down the stairs and yells in Koren.) “HELLO, DRUG DEALERS.” (Then in English.) Come out, come out wherever you are.

(Suddenly a g*n is pointed at Lucifer’s face. Lucifer smiles.)

Man 1: And who are you?

Lucifer: I’m Lucifer. Morningstar. But don’t worry, I’m here alone. The police raid won’t happen for a few more hours.

Man 1: Police raid?

Lucifer: Yes. So as you can see, I’m in a bit of a rush. Could you point me to the bigger g*n? – Your boss?

Man 1: (to Man 2) Get rid of him.

Lucifer: What is it with people trying to avoid me today?

(A fight ensues with many assailants that Lucifer neutralizes. He kicks the last one through a glass wall which shatters. Lucifer walks through and addresses the Boss.)

Lucifer: I’m only trying to help.

Brandon: Help? Who?!

Lucifer: You. The lieutenant. I’m a giver, damn it. And now you are gonna help me.

(Brandon Hong and Chloe and seated at opposite sides of the table. Lucifer is leaning against the door in Brandon’s line-of-sight.)

Chloe: Mr. Hong, thank you for coming in. So, output of curiosity, what… how did you know that we wanted to speak to you?

Brandon: When you’re in my line of work, word gets around, you know?

Chloe: And what line of work is that?

Brandon: (Friendly and overly cooperative.) I run the Korean Power. We are a criminal organization specializing in extortion and drug dealing. And, yes. Sandra Jang used to cook our Ecstasy.

Chloe: And while you’re being so forthcoming about your felony distribution, you care to confess to m*rder?

Brandon: I’d love to help you, but Sandra’s death wasn’t our doing.

Lucifer: What, even though she stole from you and faked her own death to escape?

Brandon: Yeah, she was a smart cookie. I totally fell for the old my lab exploded and l died schtick. But then, like a voice from beyond, she called me.

Chloe: Sandra stole money from you to start a new life. Why would she get back in contact with you?

Brandon: To pay the money back, with interest. She was sick of looking over her shoulder, I guess.

Lucifer: The suburbs gave her a double garage and a conscience.

Chloe: Yeah, I find that hard to believe. You and your guys, you aren’t necessarily known for your kindness.

Brandon: (Chuckles. He’s touched and grateful.) Thank you. And you’re right. I never forgave Sandra. But not for stealing, for leaving. When I found out she was still alive, I begged her to come back, but she said no. Best cook I ever had. Our profits went down over 40% when we lost her formula.

Chloe: So she was worth more to you alive than dead.

(Lucifer makes a finger motion to tell Brandon to speed up telling Chloe everything.)

Brandon: Um… I’ve instructed my guys to cooperate. You know, alibis and stuff for the night Sandra was k*lled. Whatever the police need.

Chloe: Okay, you do understand that even if you weren’t involved in Sandra’s death, you have confessed to several felonies and we will be arresting you.

Brandon: Whatever it takes to bring Sandra’s k*ller to justice.

Lucifer: Right.

(Chloe knows something is going on between Brandon and Lucifer.)

(Chloe and Lucifer leave the interrogation room.)

Chloe: That was the most cooperative archcriminal I’ve ever met. Did you go to that club on your own? What did you do to him?

Lucifer: Nothing. Just made him a deal.

Chloe: Of course you did.

Lucifer: In exchange for his cooperation, I gave him the formula we found on Sandra’s computer. I mean, a few years in prison is just a small price to pay for doubling your profits with a superior product.

Chloe: You can’t just hand out random, illicit drug recipes.

Lucifer: Not random, Detective, the best. I mean, you don’t want inferior Ecstasy out there on the streets, ruining orgies and dubstep parties, now, do you? Rhetorical. My point is, I got us our suspect, so can we finally involve the lieutenant?

Chloe: We are not involving Pierce until we check Hong’s story. And if what he says is true, he’s not even a suspect. (thinking) There’s one way to find out.

Lucifer: There is?

(Chloe is opening an evidence box and takes out a hard drive and plugs it into a laptop.)

Lucifer: Well, what are we gonna find in there? We already know about Sandra’s criminal past.

Chloe: Yes, but what about her criminal present? Sandra paid cash for her house, then two years later, paid back the Korean mob, with interest.

Lucifer: Right. How’d she get that money?

Chloe: Exactly. You can’t do that on a chemistry teacher’s salary.

Lucifer: So, what do we think? She was hacking into banks?

Chloe: Or she decided to dust off her old skill of cooking Ecstasy.

Lucifer: Right.

Chloe: Okay. Now that we know what we’re looking for, let’s try to find proof that she was still making and now selling drugs. That’s weird. It’s not connecting.

Lucifer: Let me have a look at it.

Chloe: Lucifer, please don’t mess with it.

Lucifer: What does this do, anyway?

(Lucifer shakes the hard drive and then slams it on the table, breaking it in half.)

Chloe: Stop shaking it. You’re gonna break it.

(Small baggies of drugs and some scraps of paper fall out.)

Lucifer: You’re right, Detective. It does help to know what you’re looking for. Are those client lists? Ooh.

Chloe: Well, an angry one, maybe.

Lucifer: (reading off one of the pieces of paper) “I know what you’re doing. End it or you’re dead.” Ooh.

(Pierce, Lucifer, and Chloe discuss the case.)

Pierce: So, you can take the girl out of the Ecstasy biz, but you can’t take the Ecstasy biz out of the girl.

Lucifer: Well, actually, it’s not Ecstasy. It’s more sort of a homebrew Adderall. It’s very smooth.

Pierce: Did your partner just admit to snorting evidence?

Lucifer: The only thing I admit to is being very focused on this case.

Chloe: We think Sandra adjusted her product to her new environment. Type-A moms, high-pressure dads…

Lucifer: And all the Ivy League-bound brats in between.

Chloe: And if she was selling, these death threats suggest that someone didn’t want those drugs in the neighborhood. We think she was trying to determine who sent them.

Pierce: And maybe looking got her k*lled. All right. Get close to the neighbors. See who you can smoke out.

Chloe: Right. I had the exact same idea, and there is a house for rent on Sandra’s block. However, the owner will only rent to couples.

Pierce: Great. You and Lucifer are on it.

Chloe: No, I’d love to, but I canvassed the entire neighborhood. They know I’m a cop. Dan, too.

Pierce: So find another officer with knowledge of this case to go undercover.

Lucifer: Don’t worry. We already have.

(door bell chimes)

Anya: Hey, hey. It’s the welcome wagon.

Brian: Yeah, but not in the same way. We just want to be the first to say hi to the, new couple on the block. I’m Brian. This is my wife Anya.

Anya: Hey.

Lucifer: Thank you. That is so thoughtful. Honey! We have guests. Pierce begrudgingly walks over next to Lucifer. Right. Brian and Anya, this is Marc.

Anya: Hi..

Lucifer: All right.

(Lucifer is cooking. Pierce gets a package of plastic plates from cabinet.)

Lucifer: What, plastic plates? What are we, barbarians? Don’t we have any china in there?

Pierce: You know this isn’t real, right? I mea… You realize this is just for the case.

Lucifer: This is my chance to really get to know you. Pierce, I’m taking it seriously and so should you for our cause and for the case, obviously. So, let’s just get in there and put on a good show. Shall we? Just don’t give me your resting Pierce face.

Pierce: What face?

(Brian, Anya, Lucifer, and Pierce sit at the table. Pierce does not look happy.)

Lucifer: So, how did you two lovebirds meet?

Anya: We were high school sweethearts, actually.

Lucifer: Aw.

Anya: We were biology partners. He asked me out while we were dissecting a crayfish.

Brian: My wife. The stuff she remembers.

Anya: How about you? How’d you two meet?

Pierce: At work.

Lucifer: Well, um, actually, we met through my Dad.

Anya: So sweet.

Lucifer: Well, not really. My Dad’s a right b*stard.

Brian: Right, yes. Tough, right? When parents don’t approve.

Lucifer: It’s true. True. And my Father would definitely disapprove of this. Isn’t that right, Marky Marc?

Pierce: Well, let’s not start with that with these nice people, Luke.

Lucifer: I’m sorry. Marc loathes talking about himself. He’s shy. But don’t let that put you off. I mean, we are neighbors now, after all.

Brian: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Lucifer: Feel free to ask him… I mean, us… anything you want.

Anya: Okay. All right.

Lucifer: Shall we?

(Lucifer begins serving their guests. Pierce is barely able to play along.)

Brian: Yes.

Lucifer: All right.

Anya: Thank you.

Brian: Smells delicious.

(Dan and Charlotte are having dinner.)

Dan: I get it. You know when Chloe and I got divorced, I was so worried about Trixie. What she would think when I would see her. But I realized, it’s the quality of the time, not the quantity, you know?

Charlotte: I’m really glad we did this, Dan. You’re such a nice, normal guy.

Dan: Well, thank you, I think.

Charlotte: I meant that as a compliment. I mean, after the past few months, normal is exactly what I need in my life.

(Suddenly, Maze sits down at their table and leans in closely to Charlotte, looking her in the eyes.)

Maze: Hey, sexy. What’s up, Dan?

Dan: Hello.

Charlotte: You two know each other.

Maze: Yeah. We k*lled a guy together once.

Dan: Maze… No. What she means is, we had a k*ller time, together, once. Why are you here, Maze?

Maze: Isn’t it obvious?

(Dan shakes his head “no.” Maze looks mischievous. Charlotte is confused.)

Charlotte: The three of us? I’m sorry. Did we…?

Dan: No. No. No, no, no, no, we didn’t. No. Course n…But if you wanted to… um, now… whatever… you’re into. I have heard that it’s… Can be empowering ’cause I’vel’ve been reading this, feminist social…

Maze: Well, I’m into it. If she is.

Dan: It’s h*… hot. (to waiter) Can I have another drink, please? Thanks.

(Lucifer offers Brian and Anya a plate of cookies.)

Lucifer: Milano?

Brian: Ooh. There aren’t any nuts in there, are there? II blow up like a balloon.

Lucifer: Of course, allergies. Yeah. I didn’t think of that. What makes us vulnerable is often right under our noses. (to Pierce) Shellfish, maybe? Bees? Latex?

Pierce: You know I don’t have any allergies, sweetie. Let’s talk about this lovely community. You seem so tight-knit.

Lucifer: Yes, yes. It must have been devastating when that poor woman was found ground up like hamburger meat.

Pierce: Our Realtor told us.

Brian: Yeah, it was horrible. Huge loss. We’re… we’re kind of one big family around here.

Anya: Well, most of us, anyway. Some of the neighbors can be a little uptight.

Brian: Come on, babe, the guys don’t want to hear about that. Right? We’re here to welcome ’em.

Pierce: Hear about what?

Anya: The Neighborhood Watchdog. Someone has been writing notes and terrorizing the block. “Trim your hedges, or else.” “Stop using nonorganic weed k*ller, or I’ll make you drink it.”

Lucifer: This Watchdog seems rather preoccupied with gardening.

Anya: No. People have been getting notes for all kinds of things. Loud music, parking, holiday decor. It’s like Martha Stewart and the Terminator had a baby.

(Lucifer chuckles.)

Pierce: Any idea who this “Watchdog” is?

Anya: No, actually.

Lucifer: Well, I suppose we all have our mysteries. Don’t we? Speaking of, wouldn’t you two like to know more about this little enigma?

Pierce: Well, this has been nice. Um, but remember, we have to get get up early for that thing tomorrow morning.

Lucifer: No idea what you’re talking about, darling.

(Lucifer pours more wine. Pierce groans.)

(Charlotte is standing at the bar getting a large shot of something when Maze comes up to her.)

Bartender: Here you go.

Charlotte: (heavy sigh)

Maze: I thought you went to the bathroom.

Charlotte: No. I’m sorry, I just… needed a few minutes. Truth is, I’ve… been through hell lately.

Maze: (the pieces click into place for her) That’s it. No wonder I wanted you. That’s it. I can smell it on you. The pain, the torment.

Charlotte: What, it’s that obvious?

Maze: Girl, it is all over you.

Charlotte: I guess I thought I was doing a better job of covering it up. You see, um… I died recently, or… well, almost… died. And since then, it’s been a struggle to get my life back to some semblance of normal.

Maze: That’s what you want? Normal.

Charlotte: Yes. Please, God, yes.

Maze: Well, I am definitely not God. Or normal. So, guess I’m out.

Charlotte: Y… you are? I just… I just told you my deepest secret.

Maze: Yeah. Sorry. I thought it was you I was attracted to, but turns out, it’s just my old life. And I’m… not sure if I want to go back there. Hey, but Dan’s probably still into it, though.

Anya: Thanks so much for dinner, bye.

Lucifer: Bye, have a good one.

(Brian and Anya leave Lucifer and Pierce’s house. Chloe is sitting in her car outside talking to Lucifer on a walkie-talkie.)

Chloe: This Watchdog weirdo seems promising. And those notes sound just like the one we found in Sandra’s stash.

Lucifer: I just can’t imagine someone so obsessed with obeying the rules of suburbia. (to Pierce who is walking out of the kitchen) Where do you think you’re going? I cook, you clean, remember? Pierce stops, turns around, and starts rolling up his sleeves.

Chloe: Domesticity can have a strange effect on people. Question is, now, how do we draw out this Watchdog?

Lucifer: Well, don’t you worry about that, Detective. Trust me, no one’s a worse neighbor than the Devil.

(During the daytime, Lucifer is playing loud music and is partying with women in bikinis trying to be as disturbing to the neighbors as possible. At night, Lucifer is using a loud metal grinder in the garage with the door open.)

Pierce: (Entering the garage and yelling to be heard over the grinder.) Lucifer. What, are you building something?

Lucifer: Yes. Our reputation as the most annoying neighbors on the block.

Pierce: (He unplugs the grinder.) It’s 4:00 a.m. Maybe we can finish this in the morning.

Lucifer: “We”? You’re barely involved. You know, II… I thought this was supposed to be about you and I spending time together.

Pierce: No. No, no. This is about catching a k*ller.

(Out on the street, Chloe is watching the house from her car. She sees a hooded person walking and calls Lucifer and Pierce on the walkie-talkie.)

Chloe: Guys, someone’s approaching the house.

(They men are too busy arguing to hear the walkie-talkie.)

Lucifer: You just need to open up to me.

Chloe: Guys?

Pierce: That won’t solve anything!

Chloe: Guys, heads up. Someone’s approaching.

Lucifer: Everyone has their Achilles’ heel. We just need to find yours.

Pierce: Right now, mine is you.

Chloe: Guys. Damn it. (She gets out of the car.)

Lucifer: We’ve been through this. Feel like I don’t know you.

(Chloe draws her g*n and follows the hooded figure down the sidewalk.)

Pierce: What are you talking about?

Chloe: LAPD. Don’t move.

(The hooded person takes off running. Lucifer and Pierce run out of the garage and block the hooded figure’s path.))

Lucifer: Hello. Have you come for your casserole dish?

Chloe: Hands up.

(We now see the hooded person is Brian who puts his hands up.)

Brian: It’s not illegal to hold people up to our community standards. The police should be thanking me. I’m out there every night helping you guys.

Chloe: Helping? Is that what you were doing when you k*lled June Lee?

Brian: What? I di… I didn’t hurt June.

Chloe: I understand. You’re out there, you’re trying to keep your neighborhood clean. And then June’s there, dealing drugs.

Brian: Wait, you think I was trying to get June to stop dealing drugs? I was her best customer.

Chloe: You were buying her Adderall?

Brian: Uh. Yeah. Me and half the block. How do you think I had the energy to be out there every night, all night? I mean, June changed my life. I learned Mandarin. I built a deck around my… II lost 40 pounds.

Chloe: Okay. So you’re saying you didn’t write that threatening note?

Brian: No, that’s not even my handwrit… look, look at it. It’s so sloppy. Of course, what do you expect from someone clueless enough to put a whole body into a wood chipper? Wha… II mean, saw before you mulch. Everyone knows that.

Chloe: Thanks.

(Chloe leaves the interrogation room.)

Lucifer: Now, he would know not to put onion skins down the garbage disposal.

Pierce: You know, why wouldn’t I put onion skins down the garbage disposal? They’re garbage.

Lucifer: They’re compost.

Pierce: You know what? Thank God that this marriage is over.

(Chloe opens the door to the observation room.)

Chloe: Guys. Brian’s not our k*ller. But your cover is still intact and I have a new plan. You lovebirds ready to go back to suburbia?

Lucifer: Ah. Till death do us part, darling.

(Pierce is not amused.)

(Lucifer and Pierce are getting ready for a garden party. Lucifer is helping position hidden cameras while Chloe watches on a monitor from inside the house and helps him.)

Lucifer: Well, how’s this angle, Detective?

Chloe: A little to the right, and make sure you put the guest book where I can see it.

Pierce: Don’t worry, Decker, we’ll be checking handwriting as we go along, I just hope people show up after Lucifer’s antics.

Lucifer: I’ve simply piqued their curiosity.

(Chloe sees a mocked up photo of Lucifer and Pierce in Hawaiian Lays posing like a romantic couple. She puts it face down on the desk.)

(Guests start to arrive. A couple enter but only the man signs the guest book.)

Pierce: We… we’d like everyone to sign. Please. Makes it more personal.

(The woman comes back and signs the book.)

(Lucifer is at a nearby table looking at how things are arranged.)

Lucifer: Um, why is that hummus so far away from the crudités?

Pierce: What?

Lucifer: Everyone knows you put the snacks next to the dipping sauce. I… Why do I feel like I’m the only one putting any effort into anything?

Pierce: Probably because you’re making everything about you.

(Chloe is watching them argue on her monitor.)

Lucifer: Me? In case you’ve forgotten, I am doing this for you.

Pierce: Really?

Lucifer: Yes, really. And if you’re not committed, then there’s no point to us even being here.

(People are starting the gather to watch them argue.)

Pierce: The only reason I’m here is because I have to be.

Lucifer: Ah.

Pierce: Everything else is just an empty promise. You have no idea what you’re doing.

Lucifer: I beg your pardon?

Pierce: You say you’re a man of your word. But you’re not.

Lucifer: (scoffs. He looks and sees everyone watching. He walks away.) Can’t believe he just said that.

Pierce: (exhales in exasperation)

Lucifer: Excuse me!

(Lucifer leaves the party, goes to the front of the house, and starts walking away down the street. Chloe comes out of the house and runs to catch up to him.)

Chloe: (whispering) Lucifer. Lucifer. What the hell are you guys doing back there? This is a sting… you can’t just leave in the middle of it.

Lucifer: I just can’t be around him right now.

Chloe: Lucifer, sometimes when you go undercover, things get real, people get on each other’s nerves. But here’s the thing: You can’t change your partner.

Lucifer: Tell me about it.

Chloe: Okay… as hard as it is right now, I need you to stick it out until the job’s done.

Lucifer: (sighs)

Chloe: Pierce is never gonna be the guy who cares about where the hummus is, or whatever. But he does care about what matters. Like solving this case. He can’t do it without you, and he knows that.

Lucifer: Does he?

Chloe: Yes, he does. So, please, get back in there and get those signatures.

Lucifer: (He sees her logic, turns and goes back to the house.) Right.

(Children and playing and laughing. Lucifer sees Pierce rearranging items on the buffet table.)

Lucifer: You moved the nachos.

Pierce: Well, yeah, I didn’t want anyone to spill salsa…

Both: Into the macaroni.

(Stepping towards each other as they speak.)

Pierce: Wasn’t sure you were coming back.

Lucifer: I made you a promise. And I am a man of my word, no matter what you may think.

(The guests are watching Lucifer and Pierce and hearing their conversation.)

Pierce: I may have overreacted. I’m sorry.

Lucifer: Thank you. But… you were right about one thing. I don’t have all the answers. But I hope that we can find them… together. I mean, after all, you may be the only person on this planet who truly understands me. I’m not ready to give up on that.

All: Aw…

(Lucifer kisses Pierce.)

(Chloe watching from inside the house.)

Chloe: Wow. Cover officially restored. Okay, now can we please check the book for signatures?

(A little later, Lucifer is interacting with the guests to make sure they have all their signatures.)

Lucifer: Forgive me. Marcie, some words for the chef?

Marcie: (Caught with a hot dog in her mouth.) Ooh, I’ve got mustard on…

Lucifer: (raising his voice) Some words for the chef!

(Marcie signs the book.)

Lucifer: (with another couple) Lovely. Would you mind working the word “pervert” in there somewhere? (to a woman near the swings) Could you address it to “scheming wh*re”? to the woman’s son on the swings Just a little private joke for Marc.

(Lucifer tries to get Anya to sign the book.)

Anya: Brian said he signed for us both already.

Lucifer: Well, Marc and I would like everyone to write a little message, if you don’t mind.

Anya: Okay. (she takes the book and considers what to write) Let’s see.

(Brian dashes up and stops her.)

Brian: Actually, um, I think it’s… I think it’s time for us to go, dear.

Anya: But we just got here.

Brian: Yeah, I know, but we really need to go.

Anya: Brian, please. Whatwhwhat are you doing?

Brian: Just put the book down.

(Brian knocks the book out of her hands, takes her by the arm and pulls her away as she resists.)

Anya: Brian! Brian… Brian, please…

Lucifer: Just a little message.

Brian: No, no, no, I know what you guys are – trying to do here.

Pierce: Brian. Hey, Brian, just relax, okay. Just calm down. Take it easy.

Brian: (Picks up a pair of hedge clippers and starts snapping them at people.) Everybody get back!

Brian: Go on, get back. All right, yeah? Get back.

Anya: Brian. Bri…

Brian: We’re leaving. Thanks. It was great.

(Lucifer quietly asks Pierce.)

Lucifer: What about hedge trimmers?

Pierce: Tried it. Didn’t work.

(Chloe arrives in the backyard with her g*n drawn. Brian still is threatening people with the clippers.)

Chloe: Put it down, Brian.

Brian: I didn’t want to hurt anybody.

Chloe: I know. And I know you don’t want to hurt anyone right now. You’re not a k*ller, you’re just protecting one.

Anya: Brian, what is she talking about?

Chloe: (to Anya) You wrote the threatening note to June. We accused your husband, but he must have recognized your handwriting when we showed it to him. That’s why he didn’t want you signing the guest book.

Anya: (to Brian) You know?

Brian: How could you do something so stupid, babe?

Anya: I’m not stupid. I know that you and June were having an affair.

Brian: No.

Anya: I saw you sneaking around with her, and then you lost all that weight. I thought I would just write her one of those notes to scare her off, but then you still kept sneaking out every night.

Chloe: And then you went and confronted her.

Anya: Yes, but then she just kept denying it, and I got so, so angry I just… shoved her, and then she… she hit her head. But I d… I didn’t mean to k*ll her. I just… I just didn’t want you to leave me.

Lucifer: But he wasn’t having an affair. June was his drug dealer.

(Crowd gasps.)

Brian: It’s true. I was buying pills from her to help me lose weight. For you, so that I could go back to being the guy that you fell in love with in high school. I didn’t want you to leave me.

Anya: I’m so sorry I doubted you. I just… I don’t know what I would do without you.

Brian: Neither do I. Ah…

(Brian and Anya hug. Both crying.).

Chloe: Okay, show’s over.

Lucifer: Yeah, I suppose there’s some cold comfort in them being arrested together. At least they’ve got each other.

(Chloe puts Anya in handcuffs.)

(Pierce sadly walks away leaving Lucifer curious.)

Pierce: Yeah, they do.

(Dan is sitting at his desk when Charlotte approaches.)

Charlotte: Dan? Hey. I just wanted to come by and apologize about the other night.

Dan: (chuckles) You have nothing to apologize for. I absolutely, completely blame Maze. That girl is a freak.

Charlotte: She is odd. But she also made me realize some things about myself. Maze isn’t the only odd one. I’m a mess. All that talk about feeling normal again? (sighs) Wishful thinking. I have a long road ahead.

Dan: You know, whatever this is that we have, it has never been normal. And I decided that I just have to own that. (pauses) I like you, Charlotte. You are unlike anyone I have ever met. So if you need time to sort some things out, I can wait. You’re worth it.

(Charlotte smiles and looks happy and relieved.)

Chloe: So, I heard the divorce went through. What are you gonna do with your half of Lux?

Pierce: Very funny, Decker. What’s up?

Chloe: Some of us from the precinct are going down to the Paddock for beers after work, and I thought you might want to join, if you don’t have anything better to do.

Pierce: I don’t think I should.

Chloe: Yeah, no big deal. Just, like I said, a lot of people are going, so…

Pierce: Listen, Chloe, you and I, it’s not a good idea.

Chloe: I wasn’t suggesting anything romantic at all. I just…

Pierce: Listen, it’s just we deal with death every day, and… everybody’s gonna die. Someday you’ll die, and I just…

Chloe: Yeah. Losing your brother, it’s still really affecting you?

Pierce: Understatement of the millennia.

Chloe: I understand. I do. And about tonight, it’s not a big deal. But… just so I know that I’m not crazy, um… in the surveillance van, when I asked you to stay in L. A., we did have a moment there, yeah?

Pierce: We did share a moment. Which is why I had to tell you that I’m not relationship material.

Chloe: Well, for what it’s worth, it was a really nice moment.

(Chloe leaves the office leaving Pierce to ponder.)

(Pierce enters a darkened penthouse and calls out.)

Pierce: Lucifer, this better be good. I was really looking forward to sleeping far away from you tonight.

(Pierce finds Lucifer standing on his balcony having a drink and looking out over the city.)

Lucifer: It is good. I’ve finally got you figured out.

Pierce: Really?

Lucifer: Yes. You’re terrified of letting someone get close to you ’cause you know they’ll eventually leave you. You’ll outlive them. You want to die because you don’t want to be alone anymore.

Pierce: Yeah, well, duh. What’s your point?

Lucifer: If we’re gonna k*ll you… then we have got to do it together.

Pierce: Is that right?

Lucifer: Um.

Pierce: You see, I don’t think you’ve been spending time with me trying to figure out how to k*ll me. I think you want to spend time with someone who’s been screwed by your Dad as much as you’ve been. You are the one that doesn’t want to be alone.

Lucifer: I suppose one might call us friends now. And it is nice to have a friend who can relate. I get you.

Pierce: No, you don’t. But you’ve been on the earth, what, five years? You’ll see. It’s hard not to get attached.

Lucifer: Okay. Okay. So we both have some issues that we need to work through. But if we’re gonna get revenge on Dad, we’ve got to be committed.

Pierce: I’ve already married you. I’m not sure how much more committed I could be.

Lucifer: (scoffs and laughs) True. True. But there are so many things that we never got to try.

Pierce: Fine. Go get the chain saw.

Lucifer: I thought you’d never ask.

(Lucifer trots off. Pierce gives out a heavy sigh and shakes his head.)